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So this is another crack at a journal thing. No one will read this.

 

I'm still looking for more "gainful" employment after getting a second college degree in May. I look about every day for a job and try to apply to one to three a day. I'm still working about 34 hours a week at my current gig. I train people and administer different fitness tests. It just doesn't pay enough. If our pay was based on performance, I'd be maxed-out. I run circles around the other people with the same job. It's not cockiness, it's just I've been there more than four years and it's the truth. It's no secret.

 

My hours were cut beginning in October and ending at the start of December because the city I work for didn't want to give us health insurance. To make up the money I started a second job one day a week in the same building. It's event set-up. It's not bad, but I don't think they like me there nearly as much as my main boss does. Short story long, someone wrote me a letter on my schedule saying to do a certain thing, the first I'd heard of it. The following week the schedule said there was nothing going on in that area, so I didn't do that thing because I had no other reason to be in that room. So they then left me a PRINTED note about it the following week, and I told them why it happened in a note. Four weeks later someone else writes me a note about the it again, though it hasn't recently applied to the current schedule. Basically it turned into the Office Space scene where like three times they tell him about the cover sheet. Yeah, I just forgot that one time. Crucify me. Why are we still talking about it this long after when it doesn't apply anymore? That's the rub, though. If you do a job well enough for long enough, people will always look ever-harder for deficiencies. That's a big, big thing I've learned. The exception is my main boss, who loves me. We really have grown closer in the last year or two. He's really the only person I've worked for that gets me I think. He knows I don't need or want to be smothered, and that I like to figure things out for myself. Yes, sometimes I'm a little distant and in my own head. But I get everything done and there's no one I hate or can't work with. I even began chatting with another guy's client that I really didn't like because he would talk bad about our staff, and now we kind of have this respect for each other that I never thought possible.

 

Other than that, things are what they are. My sister finally divorced her psycho man. My nephew turned three earlier this month. He is amazing.

 

I have a pen pal in eastern Europe. She's cute and really cool. Female version of me almost. We will never meet in person. Met her on a random chat site in mid-April last year on an evening of hopeless boredom (and haven't been back to that site since.) We email. Used to be daily now it's more like weekly as she's spaced out her replies over the last couple of months. I don't mind. I'm happy I've known her.

 

Ok ok. I know. (See attached)

 

 

Saw a good friend for the first time in months and months eight days ago. We took in a college game at his alma mater. Just like old times. And we got in free because he's head of the Varsity Alumni Association there.

 

I've been shooting basketball more lately and nothing is more therapeutic than that. I love the game so much. Gotta get best friend (my cousin) up to run some games.

 

Also on the health front I'm down to about 190 at 6-3 or 6-4 and feel better than I ever have truly. At my heaviest I was 215. I lost very gradually though. I was already down to 194 ish in the summer of 2012 and hardly anyone noticed. I've been at 190 for months and months now and people are just now noticing. When you're tall though, some will always say you look too thin. A co-worker re-assured me that I looked strong and that my shoulders and chest were big. She has a Master's in some health field. Let's go with her word. Women notice me more now that I'm more fit, but not enough to really talk to me if I don't already know them. That's kind of the old, "The more things change, the more they stay the same" type of thing. I try to just work out hard three or four times a week. The shoulders thing is funny because I don't really do much direct shoulder work. Just lifting my nephew to the ceiling when he's around.

 

So yeah. The job search kind of sucks because I feel like I'm a job away from really be squared away, though I know almost no one is content for long. The lack of a lady friend kind of sucks too, though I don't know how ready I am for dating due to my current financial situation. Probably no one would date me anyway. Kind of think this girl I work with is cute, but she's in a different area and we aren't really in the same place often. And when we are, she doesn't even look at me, (though she will from afar.) Friday she finally popped up where I am, only to ignore me for the hour she was there. Ok. Cool. Lots of people have effort problems. Or shyness problems. (Both?) I struggle with my own sometimes.

 

That's about it for now. Long and rambling, as is my custom.

Edited by imsuperman
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Shot some more baskets today before clocking in. Realized I'm better with my feet shoulder width apart on the release. Sometimes I let my feet get too far under me. If they're too close together, I shoot horribly.

 

While shooting, the same married co-worker who said not too listen to other people saying I was too skinny told me today that I sell myself short. Sigh. I think I'm worse at taking compliments than I am at taking criticism. I did admit to being very critical of myself. (I mean just because I don't boast about anything (in public))?

 

She also said I take a while to warm up to people. I've always been like that though. I kind of assume everyone I meet probably doesn't like me...so I'm a little distant. Then it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

Then she said I would make a good boyfriend again. I disagreed. She said "See what I mean! I know good men when I see them."

 

I think the thing with that is now that I'm older I know who I am, but I still don't expect anyone will like me as I am.

 

The work thing at the Tuesday job wasn't even an issue with the boss it turned out. She didn't even know about it. I apologized anyway and said I was an idiot about it. Because I was. I wanted to go ahead and get that clear. Me being paranoid about something that wasn't perfect...as usual.

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This evening, my nephew, age three, came up, and out of nowhere, in relation to nothing we were talking about, patted me on the chest and said, "You gotta be in charge."

 

Thought I'd share that

 

I also have a nephew that recently turned three! In December, actually. And I love it when really young kids say things like that. Some people just dismiss that kind of stuff as "things kids say" but... I think it's possible that young children just might be tapped in to something us adults don't perceive.

 

Anyway, guess you were wrong about no one reading this.

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I also have a nephew that recently turned three! In December, actually. And I love it when really young kids say things like that. Some people just dismiss that kind of stuff as "things kids say" but... I think it's possible that young children just might be tapped in to something us adults don't perceive.

 

Anyway, guess you were wrong about no one reading this.

 

Well you can suit yourself, but this is just gonna be me me rambling to exhaustion haha.

 

Yeah he turned three almost two weeks ago. I keep thinking about that and I agree. I think it's something I needed to hear. It really struck me because I've been thinking a lot lately on leadership and how I want to be better at it, but sometimes I waffle a little and I'm not bold or decisive enough.

 

It was funny. He was wearing a black cowboy hat and it was dark. He said it with the most serious expression on his face.

 

That and the above conversation with my friend at work really is a lot to chew on. I'm pretty fortunate, I get all this therapy I don't even have to pay for.

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"I started watching one but thought I may have an aneurysm so I stopped." -Me to my best friend/cousin, who asked if I'd seen our 13 year old cousins annoying Facebook videos that she uploaded today where she talks into her webcam and tries to be cute.

 

These last two Saturdays have been cool. Just watching a lot of basketball. Reading. My PS3 has been silent a few weeks now outside of a couple movies.

 

Ohio State's Ambien finally wore off and they beat Wisconsin in Madison. Craft was so clutch down the stretch. It was cool to see. At the start of the second half, he came out to mid court and did his ritual of squatting down on the balls of his feet and closed his eyes. I really hoped he'd figure it out today right then. Seven straight points late. Smart ball in the second half. Dumped it to Scott then got in the way of Scott's man so he could hit an uncontested three. Ran his defender into a screen and drilled one himself.

 

Might watch some Duke-Syracuse here.

 

A woman in my department may kind of like me. But she started dating some guy. She keeps checking to see if I have a reaction. I do not. She's probably the 200th woman that has tried this with me, and I'm still batting a thousand on not showing any jealousy or emotion. Why change the ideas she has already formed about me? I'll be what everyone wants me to be. Ice cold. I'm tired of everyone baiting me and then getting mad when I don't react. It's not really even a source of anger for me. Just disappointment and a little exhaustion.

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Body aches today. I've had the very slightest of throat soreness for the past two days, only on the left side and only when I swallow. Just feeling that worn down type of thing. Not even really sick, just feels like I've hiked several, several miles, rolled down a hill, and haven't slept in sixty hours. I've gotten a flu shot every year for the last several. I'm very rarely sick. I need a massage. Forever.

 

Usually my body aches begin in my neck and upper traps in my back. My friend at work and I call it Tall Man Syndrome. Today my arms ache too. My feet were earlier. Discomfort and exhaustion. I feel like I could sleep until Wednesday.

 

RIP Phillip Seymour Hoffman. Great actor. Capote is probably Top 10 for me and I'm a big movie guy.

 

The Super Bowl sucked. Also racists and jingoists came out to play over a TV ad. I was not happy. You wonder how some people manage to breathe.

 

Had a dream last night I was at a beach. But there was a water slide too somehow. Both sound nice.

 

[video=youtube;MW6E_TNgCsY] ]

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^ Thanks feel much better today. At about ninety percent. Nose is running a little, but I feel good and not completely worn out like I did last night. Worked out this morning. Will shoot some baskets before work.

Edited by imsuperman
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Was a little achy after shooting yesterday. Didn't shoot as well either. Made three NBA-range threes in a row at the end which made me feel like it was close to average for a shootaround. I willed the second one in by squatting down after I released it because I knew it would be close. I have a closing routine when I shoot basketball. I have to swish one jumper and then make a close-range shot that only touches the backboard and the net. The final three secured the first part, and I completed the second so I could quit.

 

Luckily I'm feeling better today.

 

Big snow coming tonight into tomorrow. 6 inches. Yay. Last year we had very little winter, so I guess everyone should have figured on this one not being fun. Last year it seemed like we only had accumulating snow like twice and it was in the 40s and 50s (Fahrenheit) most of the time.

 

As a side note, one thing I've really noticed since getting another college degree in May is that the days and weeks move very quickly now.

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These commercials are always on ESPN.

 

image removed

 

-I don't like where this is going.

-That's a big (edited) teddy bear.

 

A workmate turned me on to these hot pads for your traps and shoulders...and OMG they work! I put one on last night and woke up and had no pain. Helps my working out and basketball.

 

I told a buddy, who is retired and from the south, the one thing that has annoyed me above all about my job search is that people think I'm doing something wrong in my applications. "Oh it's your resume or cover letter." He agreed with me that those thoughts are stupid, shook his head and said, "Yeah, that's b-------."

 

I really do hate that though. Do people think I don't pore over every word? I've been in the same education field six years and have two degrees. One in technical writing and one in business writing. I'm not going to send something off that says Insert Company Name here. Everybody good with that?

 

And other people wanna hear that you're just jerking off, have given up, or just flat-out aren't looking as much as you should. Now that I'm an older man I'm sick of feeling like so many look down on me without reason.

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Snowing more. Crazy winter.

 

I cut open and drained a random blister on the inside of my index finger, which may keep me from basketball this week. I don't bother if I know I can't shoot well, even though it's only me shooting alone. Don't know how that got there, but it seems like it got pinched in something.

 

I got my taxes done this past Monday. I'm getting decent money back, and I may buy a PS4 when it comes in this week.

 

A friend of mine said once as a Facebook status: "Be yourself. But is it reasonable?"

 

You get tired of trying to make things different.

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So the story with me and basketball is that I would play basketball like four hours a night in the warmer months as a kid. Usually alone. Sometimes with kids form the neighborhood. If it was too windy I wouldn't shoot. Everything had to be just right. My parents would have to call me in. I got pretty decent. I'm mostly a catch-and-shoot type.

 

There were a lot of one-on-one games with my cousin who was and is my best friend. He's a year younger. I beat him probably seventy percent of the time, but I admired his tenacity.

 

I played in my town's little league version in third through sixth grade. I was always on a crappy team. I rarely got the ball so I got bored. I got a couple of technical fouls. One time I leaned on a kid for an entire game and he started to cry. I said, "Oh come on." His brother tried to talk tough to me and I smiled even wider.

 

I began to become disenfranchised with the game by the time middle school rolled around. So...when we scrimmage, I score like twenty, during games and I don't get the ball? I went to three or for week-long summer camps around this time. Player of the week at one, second out of two hundred guys in the three point contest in another.

 

I was cut from seventh grade trouts and that was it for me in organized basketball. I viewed it as I didn't make the team because I wasn't popular enough. In high school I joined marching band because all my friends were in it. It was a great experience.

 

I played some pickup games at the local Y four or five years ago for a while. Those guys were too serious for me though so I stopped.

 

I hadn't played in years before I began shooting a month or two ago. It feels so good. Like being a kid again. I appreciate it even more now as an adult.

 

Three Great Basketball Memories of Mine

 

1. My first ever made shot in city league kid's basketball is on VHS tape. I was on the Suns. Third grade, so age nine. Orange shirts with purple numbers. My chili-bowl haircut was fly. Swished it from the elbow. My grandpa recorded it. He laughs, pumps his fist and says, "Yeaaaaah!" My parents and grandparents are my heroes. He would pass four years later.

 

2. We had a little walkway of concrete squares that led up to the front porch. The squares were my three pointers, since the rest was just the front yard at what would have been the top of the key. So one when I was eight I smiled after recognizing somebody walking by as being a local newscaster. Jay Crawford, now on ESPN, told me nice shot after I hit an NBA-range three. He must have lived in my neighborhood or the on next to it at the time. I thanked him. I was probably six to eight years old I would guess.

 

3. My mom would drill me on school and tests. She would go over definitions and vocabulary with me as a kid. I would have never made it through school without her. Once, in sixth grade, I had a health test coming up. I insisted she go over it with me outside so I could shoot Mom would give me the definitions and I would say the word. So it turns out I'm out there like: (Swish) "Vulva." (Dribble between my legs) "Testicles." (Layup off the backboard) "Clitoris."

 

So anyway, that's my hoops story and why I keep talking about something no one else cares about. Hopefully it was worth a read anyway!

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Work sucked today. Co-workers screwing up.

 

Single. I'm my own Valentine, so I'm gonna watch a movie and read.

 

People probably think I'm gay or something. I really do think that. I just let people think whatever they want. I like women only. Just don't know if I'm ready for one right now. Maybe. Maybe not. I just like doing what makes me happy.

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Truthfully, I miss the days over late spring, all of summer, and half of fall when my "pen pal" (as I call her) and I would write about daily. She's cool and pretty and I like talking to her. She kind of started dropping off in mid-November. It would take her a couple of days to respond, then a few days, now between three or four days and two weeks. One can expect that I suppose after about seven months of almost daily emails.

 

In mid-June, I think she was kind of hinting at wanting some form of er...adult online extracurricular stuff, (she very vaguely said, "Tell me when" out of nowhere in one of her emails, to which I asked for farther clarification, then she kind of said never mind and didn't bring it up again...of course.)

 

She also hasn't sent me a picture of her in a loooong time despite me asking. She's still nice in her emails, but I'm thinking of just stopping talking to her completely. I appear to have outlived my usefulness. It's frustrating. I'm not like sad or depressed about it, but it's more of an eye-rolling "typical me" type situation.

 

Only I could get friendzoned by someone six thousand miles away.

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Played in my first pickup game today before work. 1 for 3, but both misses were close. The basket was a nifty little turnaround. One rebound, one steal. Only gave up a bucket to the man I was guarding.

 

Probably guys around my age to 50-ish. It's a humbling experience to learn there are 50 year old guys running games starting at 5:30 am, and they are in better cardio shape than you are, despite your lifting.

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Last night I had a dream starring one of my assistant marching band directors. Some years after I graduated he had a run-in with the law that involved alcohol and was fired.

 

He was always my favorite. We would have won every competition if he was our main director. He got things done. Kind of our own version of Bob Knight. You knew he was likely certifiably insane, but he knew what work was and what being a leader was, and when the main director was off, we had some amazing practices. If someone would complain, he would put his finger and thumb together and say he was playing the world's smallest violin like in Reservoir Dogs.

 

In concert season (after marching/football season was over) he was our director in the middle band. We'd have these silly "tryouts" for like the more prestigious band or whatever. I straight up told them I was happy with where I was because this guy was our director. One time he kicked me out of class when all I did was say thank you to someone for picking up a piece that fell of my trumpet, and I didn't even argue with they guy. It was my last period of the day so I was just like, "Cool." Then I realized I couldn't leave because I had to wait to take my sister home too.

 

So in the dream me and this other trumpet player were like hanging out with him and we were gonna be assistant directors in his directing comeback with a new band.

 

So anyway today I friended him on Facebook.

 

EDIT: Today is the 29th anniversary of Knight's chair throwing incident.

 

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Edited by imsuperman
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The first move I made with my tax return money was to have my resume re-done professionally. It should be finished sometime next week or early the following week. It was a lot of money but after the return I had much more than enough, and I figured it would be good use of it. Has anyone ever done that? Was it worth it? I'm hoping mine will be.

 

As I've said before I'm sick of my job hunt after nine and a half months. I thought it would be a good idea so I start getting more interviews. I'm working at it every day but it is frustrating trying to make the jump into the corporate world.

 

My sister divorced in December and may move out of my parents house to live with her new boyfriend (are they still FWB? I don't know) soon. I knew someone and helped her get a job as a bank teller in August. She has had a difficult time of it at that job. They asked her not to come in today apparently because she was out three hundred dollars last night. I wish I never would have helped her out with that, it's been so rough on her and I feel bad. I would never in a million years be a bank teller.

 

I pity her even though she is incurably lazy and can be mean sometimes. I know she still thinks I'm our parents' favorite and that must be hard on her, it would be on anyone. She asked my mother about it like a week ago and mom said she loved us both of course, but said that she (my sister) had caused her the most heartache with her decisions. Even still, my sister is really good to me nearly all of the time. She hugs me and brings me lunch unannounced more often than she should.

 

She says she wants to go to school for business. I hope she gets her two year degree, the most inexpensive route, and I want nothing for her but the most complete success possible. But she hasn't been in an academic environment for so long, and I don't know if she has the work ethic to complete it. I just want everything to work out for her.

 

I want everything to work out for both of us.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Brown Rice

Black Beans

Chicken

Tomatillo-Red Chili Salsa

Sour Cream

Cheese

Lettuce

 

Thought since I've had nothing to report lately, I'd report the burrito I get at least ninety percent of the time.

 

Just had one. It was so good.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I took yesterday and today off to watch hoops. This is the first time I've gotten off for work in a while. yesterday was nice. I watched basketball for about twelve hours straight. Mys sister's drama started creeping in today and it hasn't been as calming.

 

Went to the comic shop today and got the latest three issues of a Superman story arc that I hadn't read yet. Time to get caught up! I wish the owner there looked like Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons but he's just a normal-looking dude like me.

 

Luckily that's over for the evening. I'm also ahead currently in my work pool in a four-way tie for first out of forty seven entries.

 

I've been slacking on this journal. Not much new to report unfortunately. Getting my newly re-designed, professionally-done resume out as much as I can. So sick of my current job.

 

Glad winter's over. The only bad thing about that is Jehovah's Witnesses and other solicitors coming to the door. I don't even answer if I don't recognize people.

 

Other than that, I keep trying to make positive changes. Something will break my way soon, I think.

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