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Can't quite pull the trigger


elle12

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So I've been dating this guy since November and it started getting more serious (for him) last month. He's already started talking about marrying me and getting a house together and he told me he was starting to love me. I'm usually the one who falls faster so it kind of freaked me out that he said that stuff so early on in our relationship. He's also four and a half years younger than me - he's 23 and I just turned 28 - so I'm not even sure he really wants to settle down like he keeps saying.

 

Lately I've just stopped feeling the spark we had at the beginning, and he's done a couple of fairly disrespectful things. He's shown up at my apartment uninvited after I've already let him know I was going to bed and that we could hang out the next day, and he also showed up at an event I had that I specifically told him he shouldn't come to. His reasoning was that he had had a bad day and needed to talk to me RIGHT THEN, and that he figured I probably "didn't know what I wanted" and that I secretly really did want him to be there.

 

So yes. I am thinking it's probably about time to break up with him. But I'm scared because we have mutual friends and someone's already started calling me a "c***" and a "terrible girlfriend" because he's been telling them untrue stuff about me. I know I shouldn't care what they think, but I'm having trouble getting up the courage to actually do this.

 

Not really sure what I'm hoping to get out of posting this, but I guess I just wanted to vent about it.

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He is needy, insecure --- and blatantly disrespects you. You secretly wanted him there????? Seriously!!

 

Just tell him it isn't working out. I imagine your mutual friends can see that the problem is him.

He is already bad mouthing you ---

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These are red flag behaviors.

 

Someone who escalates quickly -- who tries to up the stakes by pushing engagement or moving in together -- and doesn't respect your clearly-stated boundaries.... is someone who a year or two down the line could become abusive.

 

I recommend checking out some sites for early warnings signs of abusers.

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As much as I hate to admit it, I think you might be right, Sharky. I was engaged to a guy who was verbally and emotionally abusive and eventually physically abusive and a lot of the stuff the new guy does reminds me so much of that ex.

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Elle I think you are making the right decision with breaking up with him. Since he is already badmouthing you to his (and your) friends that is a huge red flag to me. In the end, if they are truly your friend they won't judge you and they will actually support your decision, if you break up with him maturely. Just be prepared for an outburst on his end, but do not get worked up yourself, try to keep as calm as you can and things will work out in the long run

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He is expecting way too much from you too soon, for a start. Demanding to see you because he has had a bad day means he has a clearly delusional view on what your "role" is as girlfriend. It means he can't take the word "no" seriously, because "no" doesn't exist when you are his girlfriend.

 

And for the record, "c***" is a disgusting word and whoever is using that against you as well as the other judgemental blabberings needs to be cut out as well. Absolutely ridiculous and vile people - better off without all of them including your boyfriend.

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This is textbook psycho behavior and you need to drop him today before he causes more grief and damage. As for your friends, anyone who is your real friend and a sane person is not going to buy his bs. The rest are not your friends. However, if you don't act and get rid of him fast, you might find yourself without any friends at all. Not only is he disregarding your wishes and essentially stalking you, he is also actively ruining your social life and trying to isolate you by badmouthing you to anyone who'll listen. This is not sane behavior from a bf. Don't walk run and run fast.

 

Also, in your shoes, with someone who is this unbalanced, I would avoid doing it in person. Dump him over phone or e-mail and be prepared for him to go nuts on you. Since he has already shown that he doesn't take no for an answer, don't be surprised if he continues to deny the breakup and try to continue to force himself. You will need to stay calm, strong and crystal clear that you are done with him.

 

In the future, try to recognize crazy faster and nip it in the bud even earlier. Remember that your well being comes first, so don't tolerate men who are coming on too hot and heavy and steamrolling you. Step away quickly.

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I think I'm going to email him tonight so I can go to bed and let him rage while I'm not awake. He just said something about not ending a story he was telling me so he can "get me to come over to hear the end." Blech.

 

ewwwwww.

 

I hope he doesn't have a key to your place! Lock the doors before you go to bed!

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I think I'm going to email him tonight so I can go to bed and let him rage while I'm not awake. He just said something about not ending a story he was telling me so he can "get me to come over to hear the end." Blech.

 

Yeash and yuck.

 

Just be ready for him to swing in either direction or both - rage and all out charm, flowers, apologies, trying to brush things off as misunderstanding and he'll do better going forward, (why didn't you just speak up instead of break up....a subtle it's your fault guilt trip) and the infamous "I want to be your friend, I just can't be without you in my life". I hope for your sake that he goes away quietly, but guys like that rarely do that. So brace yourself and don't cave, especially not to the charm or the friends thing. Remember that whatever he throws your way, at the heart of it, it is all about gaining control over you.

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It was after he showed up at the event I'd asked him not to come to - it was actually a performance (I'm a musician) and I was already very stressed out about all the logistics. I told him I was sorry to ask him not to come, but that I needed to focus on the performance and that he should come to another one in a few weeks. That's when he drove an hour to show up at it anyway. Then he was apparently really upset when I wasn't happy to see him and TOOK OFF BEFORE I SANG without texting me or telling me he was leaving. So when we were arguing about it later, he told me how hurt he was that I hadn't smiled him and greeted him like I was glad to see him and that it had made his bad day worse. Like...really?

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It was after he showed up at the event I'd asked him not to come to - it was actually a performance (I'm a musician) and I was already very stressed out about all the logistics. I told him I was sorry to ask him not to come, but that I needed to focus on the performance and that he should come to another one in a few weeks. That's when he drove an hour to show up at it anyway. Then he was apparently really upset when I wasn't happy to see him and TOOK OFF BEFORE I SANG without texting me or telling me he was leaving. So when we were arguing about it later, he told me how hurt he was that I hadn't smiled him and greeted him like I was glad to see him and that it had made his bad day worse. Like...really?

 

He had a bad day and then came to complain to you? As in, he wasn't even coming to support you playing - he was just planning on calmly waiting for your break so he could come and rant to you? Unbelievable

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It was after he showed up at the event I'd asked him not to come to - it was actually a performance (I'm a musician) and I was already very stressed out about all the logistics. I told him I was sorry to ask him not to come, but that I needed to focus on the performance and that he should come to another one in a few weeks. That's when he drove an hour to show up at it anyway. Then he was apparently really upset when I wasn't happy to see him and TOOK OFF BEFORE I SANG without texting me or telling me he was leaving. So when we were arguing about it later, he told me how hurt he was that I hadn't smiled him and greeted him like I was glad to see him and that it had made his bad day worse. Like...really?

 

And without even knowing this ---- I made my "guess" that he will not "hear" the break up!!!!

 

Good luck.

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These are red flag behaviors.

 

Someone who escalates quickly -- who tries to up the stakes by pushing engagement or moving in together -- and doesn't respect your clearly-stated boundaries.... is someone who a year or two down the line could become abusive.

 

I recommend checking out some sites for early warnings signs of abusers.

 

My thoughts exactly. Bullet. Dodge it.

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My thoughts exactly. Bullet. Dodge it.

 

Yeah.

 

When I began to read this thread and I saw "loss of spark", I *nearly* rolled my eyes and said "end of the honeymoon!"...and then I read on about all of his behavior.

 

Holy crap.

 

I'm all for the "communicate and try" to save any relationship without dealbreakers, but this kid is piling them up.

 

Sharky had it correct right out of the gate about his clingy and potentially abusive behavior.

 

Talk of escalating the relationship and commitment so soon? Not respecting your personal boundaries?

 

It's neat to be romantic and show up announced sometimes...but not when you've been explicitly told not to show up...and certainly not with the excuse that you secretly wanted him there.

 

I hope you don't have to resort to a restraining order on this one, but this behavior is completely cray-cray.

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Thanks to everyone for confirming what I already thought - I don't feel like I was the crazy one in those situations anymore. I'm sending a breakup email tonight before I go to bed because he's going to be out of town tomorrow.

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