11 yrs togther, she strays, i win her back, now i have doubts..do i give up

[jon12]

Ok so ill try and keep this as short as possible, after 11 years we went through a bit of a rough patch and then suddenly out of the blue she throws me out over something very trivial, almost like she had been waiting for me to do something so she could do it, it turns out shes been "chatting" to someone who shes worked with for a while, we have a 2 years old daughter together who has a heart condition and I have also raised her 14 year old son since he was 3, we had just found out that its more then likely my daughter will have to have heart surgery so at the time we both a bit distant and trying to deal with it in our own way.

 

Anyway I believe nothing physical happened with this guy and he was more a shoulder to cry on then anything that got a bit out of hand, she said she just lost her head a bit after finding out about our daughter and she didn't know why she had done it, but she had cut him off and she was sorry. I accepted this and even though it had really hurt me I knew how much she was upset over our daughter and I didn't want to drag it out any more.

 

I stay at my rented apartment for the time being, visiting everyday, staying over the odd night during the week and just trying to get things back to normal, but over the course of about 6 weeks she begins to drift again, doesn't want me to come round, she doesn't say this in a blunt way but its always "im really tired im just gonna go to bed" or anything else that she can think of. So it comes to my 30th birthday and I go round, thinking we'll go out for some food or something, but instead I'm told she doesn't wanna argue with me but she d (oesn't love me anymore, this knocks me back a bit, but I keep my cool, try and discuss it but she instantly just shuts me down, I ask if its this guy again and she says she doesn't want to be with anyone she just wants concentrate on herself and the kids, I accept this and respect her wishes, thinking if I give her time and space we will work it out.

 

Anyway fast forward to a couple of days after Christmas, I take my daughter to see my parents for a couple of days (they live about 200 miles away), on the day im coming back I give her a quick call to let her know im setting off and that I will be back around 6 pm, she says that's fine and we leave it at that. I return at 6pm, shes not home, I try to call her but her phones switched off, my stepson is in though so I ask him where she is, he gets all nervous and says shes at a bar somewhere, I ask him are you sure and he then says he isn't and that she might be shopping, now at this point I know he knows where she is, but I don't pressure him but I know he feels like he has to lie to me so I know something is going on, anyway an hour later she turns up with the guy who she "cheated" on me with the first time, they've been at a bar all afternoon. Now I have to summon every ounce of strength I have not to flip out and go mental at this point which I just about manage to do. I leave with my head in absolute pieces.

 

So the day after I find out who the guy is and I call him, and I would be lying if I said I kept my cool, verbally I let him have it, but I get the information from him that they've been together for about 4 weeks, I lose my cool again and issue him with a few threats ( which I am not proud of in anyway, this guy wasn't really at fault as he didn't know that I had still been going round and stopping over etc ). Anyway he runs a mile once weve spoke, then she gets angry and tells me ive ruined her happiness etc etc, we have a pretty big argument and both say some nasty things...bear in mind its completely out of character for her to go out drinking when we have the kids around which is 99% of the time..anyway I digress, we have a big argument and then we don't speak for a few days.

 

We begin speaking again because I want to see my daughter and I have to contact her for that, we begin to be a bit more reasonable with each other, after about another week I apologised for the nasty things I said and she does the same, then all of a sudden she turns up at my apartment and just throws her arms around me, we hug it out and sit together for a while, we don't really speak but for that hour or so all of the sever depression and anger and every other emotion just disappeared and things briefly felt normal again.

 

we begin to talk more regularly and I have started going round most weeknights and stopping over a couple of nights again...but things are different.. I don't feel the love from her that ive felt all these years..its like she wants me there but when im there I don't feel the love like I used to..its hard to put in to words its just different to what im used to, now theres nothing I want more then for us to repair this mess, but now im having trust issues and I cant get out of my head who shes talking to etc etc and I know that's my paranoia and its hard to deal with because I feel like I could be in danger of becoming possessive and wanting to know what shes doing all the time...its like I need some reassurance off her that she does want me there and this isn't gonna happen again, because she worked with this guy she knows his mum and dad aswell and they keep messaging her, im finding it really hard to stop myself from ringing the guy and telling him to get his family to piss off basically, but I know that wont help...I just don't know if im doing the right thing, I want to fight as hard as I have to keep my family together, as no matter what shes done I still love her and somethings obviously not right for this to happen after all this time, but its like ive got my kids again and I can sit on the sofa and watch a film with her, but I don't feel like shes happy to be with me..maybe this just needs more time to repair and to take each day as it comes..i don't wanna give up on this but at the same time, I don't think I can do anymore then what im doing, all I can do is do it for longer and see what happens....If you managed to read all of this then well done and thanks..i just don't know what to do for the best anymore

[patterned]

You're doing your best to get through this. There are at least two things that are very heavy and have yet to be worked through. It's going to take time process like you say. But these things will need to be processed. Have patience with yourself.

[HeartGoesOn]

She betrayed your trust, and took with her the glue that holds a relationship together. In addition to that, you're beating yourself for having these thoughts which are completely normal, after what she did to you.

 

What happens from here is up to you, but keep in mind that trying to re-build trust is not a walk in the park. Take care of yourself and start directing your anger towards her, rather than the guy she cheated with, as this was her choice, and her choice alone.

 

All the best...

[SooSad33]

I dont think you can do anymore than you have.. am sorry.

 

Yes, it stings.. and you've tried- but it's killing you inside.. isn't it? It's all ruining you emotionally & mentally.

I think it's best for you to back off and start arranging proper 'set up' visitation times or when you can take the kids

to your apt... as I feel it's done, for the both of you.

 

Someone is now stepping into you spot.. and not a whole lot you can do to control that. This is why it's best for you to work on acepting and back off. For your own peace of mind...

 

This really hurts, I Know. It takes a good while to work on accepting it all and letting go- but sometimes we have to face it and not sit in constant 'denial'.

 

Do you think this can be repaired.. honestly? It kinda reminds me of my 1st ex. Was hard to walk away but we were done and I knew it. This is never easy...

 

tc.. of you.

[Clio]

The situation you are in sounds very painful. And it sounds like you haven't been able to identify the reasons that brought you to this situation. You both need to identify what is wrong in order to fix it. Unfortunately this doesn't sound like something that can repair and go away on each own. You need to try to make some changes. A good couple's councelor might help you identify what is going on and determine whether it can be fixed or not and how. If she won't come, then I suggest seeking professional counceling on your own. The situation you are describing sounds too much to deal on your own. May I suggest that you also have a look at this webpage: link removed

You are doing the best you can in a very difficult situation and that's all you can do really. Try your best to identify and fix your part in this and whatever happens at least you get to know that you did all that you could. Best of luck!