7 1/2 years and an e-mail...

[Brotherhood67]

I just got sick of the self focus, the irrational arguments...the cheating was the last.straw.

 

I never told you this... She cheated on me. Twice.

 

First time after 2 years,, second time 2 years later.

 

I forgave her. In retrospect, she used my kindness to make me feel guilty for it. I felt guilty because I thought I wasn't up to her standard. She never took any blame for it, just apologized very lightly and went upset when I wanted to talk about it with her.

 

What a dumb*** I was. So blind, so blind...

[Lonewing]

Relax, don't beat yourself up! This is a blessing, it will hurt, but a blessing nonetheless!!!

[Brotherhood67]

Relax, don't beat yourself up! This is a blessing, it will hurt, but a blessing nonetheless!!!

 

Yup... probably...

 

Some news : she kept on texting me this morning, mainly to blame me for a lot of things. I told her that I wanted to end everything very quickly and then cut all ties with her. All of them (Never told her I tested her last night... And what I really think of her condition...).

She insulted me even more but I stood up to her, finally "lawyer-ing up" and not letting my emotions towards her interrupt me... I was extremely cynical in my answers to her and she kept on texting even after I told her I wanted it to end.

 

Finally, I asked her "It's quite funny to see that you're not even able to answer such a trivial question as : "Did you really love me during those 8 years together ? Did you feel that I was your soulmate as I felt towards you ?". It says a lot about you..."

 

Her answer : "Yes I really loved you and yes, I felt that you were my soulmate, ok ?" It's pitiful how she is still trying to keep me on strings... She is extremely naïve to think that I'll trust her on this, her actions speak otherwise...

 

I just don't understand why she keeps on texting me, showing me this anger, even after I told her I want our paths never to cross again. I'm not useful to her anymore, I am ? Strange...

 

GREAT NEWS THOUGH : SHE AGREED ON MY TERMS FOR THE DIVORCE - MY BUDDY GOT HER ANSWER !!!! I'm so relieved. There's only my car left to take care of and my moving out... Fingers crossed...

[Lonewing]

Sweet - a Day and a signature at a time!!

[Brotherhood67]

One story about my last client, a very nice guy :

His wife left him after 6 years in thé same situation as me (another guy, she just left and bam ! She texted Him to announce it...).

She left for 6 months, he divorced. She agreed but never apologized for anything. And after 6 months, she came crawling back... he didn't know what to do and he is still in the same situation...

[acjigga]

One story about my last client, a very nice guy :

His wife left him after 6 years in thé same situation as me (another guy, she just left and bam ! She texted Him to announce it...).

She left for 6 months, he divorced. She agreed but never apologized for anything. And after 6 months, she came crawling back... he didn't know what to do and he is still in the same situation...

 

Brotherhood67, take this time to truly heal and review the reality of your marriage because she WILL be knocking on your door to come back. I'm not trying to get your hopes up but it's gonna happen.

[Brotherhood67]

Thanks for your support !

Knowing what I know from her at the moment, I just don't know what I would do if she comes back (which she obviously doesn't want to do now - she told me so : her quotes - I didn't ask for anything but she told me "I just don't want us to be together. Period"...).

Anyway, things changed so much for me since our break-up, it's astonishing... I feel kinda relieved, this LDR was really hard for me and my life is so much simpler now than it was with her in it... I think about her very often but not in the same way that I used to. It's hard to explain...

 

On the funny side, I HAVE ONE BIG PROBLEM : Since I lost 30 pounds, none of my suits fit me anymore !!! I think I'm soon going to go to Court in my shorts...

[Kimcwell]

She has already cheated on you twice and now this? Please, please never even consider taking this woman back even if she does come knocking on your door again. I understand the pain of rejection, believe me I REALLY do, but you deserve so much more than this.

[Lonewing]

Thanks for your support !

Knowing what I know from her at the moment, I just don't know what I would do if she comes back (which she obviously doesn't want to do now - she told me so : her quotes - I didn't ask for anything but she told me "I just don't want us to be together. Period"...).

Anyway, things changed so much for me since our break-up, it's astonishing... I feel kinda relieved, this LDR was really hard for me and my life is so much simpler now than it was with her in it... I think about her very often but not in the same way that I used to. It's hard to explain...

 

On the funny side, I HAVE ONE BIG PROBLEM : Since I lost 30 pounds, none of my suits fit me anymore !!! I think I'm soon going to go to Court in my shorts...

 

You must get it through you that you DO know what you will do when she comes crawling back - because If she does, it's pretty certain at this point that she will run away again too!

 

So you figure it out now, and protect yourself later!!

[Brotherhood67]

She has already cheated on you twice and now this? Please, please never even consider taking this woman back even if she does come knocking on your door again. I understand the pain of rejection, believe me I REALLY do, but you deserve so much more than this.

 

Thanks for your support. Thanks to you all. You've helped me a great deal. I know you're right, I really do. I'm just fighting against my love, emotions and memories. I'm so tired of this...

 

Anyway. All hope is lost today, if there ever was.

 

We texted many times yesterday and today, and she made a final point, after me asking for some details about what she still wants from me.

 

She told me this : "Yes, your letters moved me and I was happy to see that you changed. You're someone who will always stand apart from the others for me. Not as a friend, not as a close friend but as someone I loved and will always have affection for".

 

Cried a lot by reading this. Really hard.

[Doofus]

Are you in a situation where you may become a partner in your firm? If so, you're at a critical juncture in your career. Throw yourself into your work. Buy new suits that fit. Make time for exercise; that will help with the sadness. You need to get yourself to a place where you're financially set. While you're doing that, you'll also be recovering from this - without even knowing it. Date or not, but don't get serious about anyone for a while. In just a few years, this will all be a distant memory for you and you will be relieved that you are not involved with her.

This is how it works for everyone. It is how it will work for you. Promise.

[Brotherhood67]

Are you in a situation where you may become a partner in your firm? If so, you're at a critical juncture in your career. Throw yourself into your work. Buy new suits that fit. Make time for exercise; that will help with the sadness. You need to get yourself to a place where you're financially set. While you're doing that, you'll also be recovering from this - without even knowing it. Date or not, but don't get serious about anyone for a while. In just a few years, this will all be a distant memory for you and you will be relieved that you are not involved with her.

This is how it works for everyone. It is how it will work for you. Promise.

 

You're right. I made plans this year to achieve a GMAT score and prepare for a MBA next year. I'm going to invest in my career instead of her, which I have done for the past 3 years... It will get better...

 

Her last message, which made me cry a lot but also gave me some kind of closure. I asked her to tell me when exactly she would leave for Quebec in order to see her one last time. Her words :

 

"Yes, I'd like very much to see you. You know, I know it's hard for you. But I'd like things to be good between us. I have a ton of affection for you, even if I made this decision. I don't want to erase those years together or to erase you from my life. I'll respect your choices regarding that."

 

*sigh*

 

On a positive note : it is a big day tomorrow, I'll get my bonus Time to take some time off in order to relax...

[H3nk1]

Your story is indeed moving forward! Good to see the formal stuff is underway and that you are starting to see her true colours a bit clearer at least. Even though you are hurting.

 

Her last message showed a hint of humanity. But then again, more importantly, she remains oblivious to her own actions..

 

Have you been open with your "date" about the (emotional) situation you are in?

[Brotherhood67]

Your story is indeed moving forward! Good to see the formal stuff is underway and that you are starting to see her true colours a bit clearer at least. Even though you are hurting.

 

Her last message showed a hint of humanity. But then again, more importantly, she remains oblivious to her own actions..

 

Have you been open with your "date" about the (emotional) situation you are in?

 

Hi !

Yes, it shows some kind of humanity but she wants her cake and to eat it too very much... That's something I'm not going to give her, it's pretty obvious she wants me to stay on the side but I made abundantly clear that after having taken care of my car and my moving out, I'll cut contact for good. She chose between me and someone else and wants to follow this new choice in life so I won't be there to hold a candle.

 

She discarded me like a piece of junk in the process and obviously thought that after a while, I would be ok and start to see her again. She probably thought it would be easy after a while... She won't have any kind of remorse for what she did, I'm pretty sure of it, but I'm also pretty sure of the fact that she is beginning to miss me, even now that she is with this guy. After all, SHE maintained contact, I just answered her questions...

 

It's pretty incredible to see that when we talk, she never talks about him, she even told me that meeting him had no role to play in her choice, which is obviously wrong (at leat for him to be some kind of catalyst in order to leave), but it's also pretty depressing for the guy himself... She confessed to the obvious : the fact that she met him before leaving me. It took her 2 months to do that... After all, she is ready to leave with him and told me that she fell head over heels for him (because I asked - I'm pretty sure she would not have talked about him if I didn't ask...) but, at the same time, that her decision to leave me had nothing to do with him... That would be pretty tough to hear for this guy in my opinion !

 

Regarding my date, she is a nice woman who I met during law school. Having heard that I was single, she immediately decided to come to see me in order to "comfort" me... In fact, I always knew she had her eyes on me and this was no different. She came to my place and we had a good time but again, I would have felt like an hypocrite if I had done anything with her... My mind is someplace else and I'm definitely not avalaible for dating for the moment. So I made it clear for her and she accepted it. She then left 3 days later.

 

And you H3nk1 ? Making progress ?

[Brotherhood67]

Some news, I'll use this post like a journal for now in order to maybe help some of you who have to go through such an excruciating pain...

 

My last and final text with her this week-end was to tell her that after getting done with business, I would cut off all contact with her. I thanked her for comprehending my pain (such irony, I think she doesn't even realize how much she hurt me...) but I also told her that I've suffered from her decision and actions like I've never suffered before. I even told her that the loss of my father this year could not compare to this... She said that even if she made this decision to break-up, she would very much like to see me and to keep me in her life. I told her that she made a decision to de facto remove me from her life and that she has to face the consequences of it. She seemed ok with it...

 

I then went NC again, which is getting easier each time because talking to her really hurts me but also gives me some kind of closure. Besides, we had to talk a lot about our business together so I had to answer her.

 

I'm really afraid of my reactions towards her. As I told you before, I still love her... How the hell can I still do that ? I'm pretty sure she wants to use me or to keep me on the side (cold shoulder or whatever) and as much as I would like to cut all emotional ties with her and tell myself that she mistreated me greatly, I'm really afraid because I know I would be capable to take her back if she ever comes back.

 

I'm just hoping she won't and that I won't have to do it but that's a pretty weak argument...

 

One other thing revealed itself this week-end when talking to her : she isn't feeling any kind of guilt for what she has done. NOT ONE BIT. In fact, it's quite the opposite : she is convinced she made everything right and told me many times that she wanted things to be good between us and that she was putting much effort into the end of our relationship. In fact, she blames me for being too "cold" and too "lawyer-ish". I'm quite convinced that if I had not been taking care of our divorce and papers, things would not have moved one bit. She took no initiative whatsoever and like a dumb***, I rushed things to get out of this relationship AND to facilitate her life... And she doesn't even comprehend what it is to do all this stuff while being some dumpee in pain. She is Miss PERFECT with this break-up and tells me so everytime. It's surreal. She is not capable of feeling any kind of empathy towards me or whoever crosses her life and she doesn't feel any shame or guilt...

 

She just doesn't realize anything. She lives on another planet for the time being. A planet of excitement and incredible projects - dead-on-arrival projects in my opinion, especially regarding Montreal -... How long will she continue to destroy everything around her by doing this ? God. Her behaviour downright scares me...

[Lonewing]

You are in a similar situation many dumpees are in, and she is in a position many dumpers are in. As callous as it may seem, this is what makes it so easy for them to move on as if you never existed. You have to take strength form this revelation, though, and reinforce your position that no matter what, you cannot afford to step back in time with her, because if you do, you will simply re-prolong the end of this disastrous relationship.

 

I have no doubt you'll retain feelings for her for a long time, but you MUST get them resolved and then numbed out so that you are no longer responsive to her drives. Getting the paperwork done is one step, NC for life is the second step. Yes, she wants to play friends, but you know this is not possible - you want a relationship, not a friendship!

 

I've heard dumpers complain about this coldness from the Dumpee before, but I believe it comes down to refusing to let these people having their cake and eat it too. It may be ideal for her, but it's not fair to you, and you cannot explain any of this to her.

 

If you stay in her pot any longer, you will be cooked frog.

[Brotherhood67]

In fact, I told her that it was too much pain to stay in contact with her and she said "I'll respect what you'll want to do, even if I don't want to erase our years together and you from my life". So she's ok with it... It makes me sad.

 

To be honest, a part of myself wants to rub the consequences of this decision in her face but let's face it : it's selfish and I hate myself for thinking that, and moreover, there are strictly no consequences, alas : how is it even possible that she misses me while being with this guy and staying adamant on her decision ? ... Wishful thinking on my side...

 

I am scared of her reactions, even if she signed the papers. I know deep in my heart (and she knows it too, I'm sure of it) that I would take her back if she ever comes back and that it's the worst decision I could make...

She would do the same after a while, she is borderline sociopath in my opinion...

 

In fact, the only thing I truly want is that she never forgets me and our years together and that, somehow, she misses me for being her soulmate... That's what I felt during these years, that's what made me endure this horrible LDR, that's what gave me strength to move out and follow my career. Now, I have to rely on myself and I'm doing a good job in my opinion but telling myself that these years were in vain and that someone with whom I had so much in common (apart from the emotional side, ahem...) is just not replaceable just downright kills me...

 

And yet, she replaced me and tells me that this guy is not even the reason... So, I'm the reason, I'm not her "soulmate" and she probably never loved me the way I loved her. That's what make me feel so down...

 

*sigh*

[justletgo07]

In fact, I told her that it was too much pain to stay in contact with her and she said "I'll respect what you'll want to do, even if I don't want to erase our years together and you from my life". So she's ok with it... It makes me sad.

 

To be honest, a part of myself wants to rub the consequences of this decision in her face but let's face it : it's selfish and I hate myself for thinking that, and moreover, there are strictly no consequences, alas : how is it even possible that she misses me while being with this guy and staying adamant on her decision ? ... Wishful thinking on my side...

 

It makes you sad because you told her you were going NC as a threat. It was more about her reaction to it and less about you. Hopefully you'll stick to it, or it'll just look like empty words. You're looking for ways to control or undo the situation (Maybe she just doesn't realize what she's done?), and I'm afraid to say there aren't any...and I think you know that.

 

It hurts, but it gets easier. Your ex made what she felt was the best choice for her. You shouldn't be mad at her or hate her for that. In the end you might agree with her decision. Allow yourself to go through the motions and let yourself feel what you feel. Just don't look to her for comfort, or for answers, or for anything. For now, that door is closed. Re-opening it will only cause you pain and disappointment.

[Brotherhood67]

Not really as a threat but it makes me realize that she doesn't give two ***** about me and not staying in contact and anyway, not enough to make her change her mind. It makes me realize I loved her much more than she actually loved me.

 

And that hurts.

 

Remember that she left me for another man, even if she tells me it has nothing to do with her leaving me. She just rejected me and our relationship. Plain and simple. That hurts even more.

 

We shared something incredible, a real bond, which she broke for selfish reasons and because of her incapacity to communicate (and LDR). I have my faults too but we were in some kind of vicious circle in which I suffered from this LDR, I told her about it and told her about the necessity to spend more time together in order to make it through, she didn't care and chose to drift away from me and we slowly shared fewer and fewer things, which made me suffer even more etc. I'm so mad at this, god !

 

I can't believe one can replace such a bond in life. It was too deep. All my relationships and her relationships from now on will be compared to this one and trust me, it doesn't look good for me. In fact and to be honest, falling in love is extremely rare for me, I always dumped my other exes at one point or another because I didn't feel such a bond, which is able to transcend everything : we had the same hobbies, same goals in life, same interests, same point of views on mostly anything, same sense of humour and were terribly attracted to eachother... Hot damn, one cannot simply snap a finger and find something like this... Or she didn't feel the same way towards me... But I have my doubts on that : we survived 3 years of an exhausting LDR, barely seeing each other and I think it takes an incredible faith to go through this, faith mostly generated by our deep connection level, by our deep bonding...

 

One cannot simply snap a finger and find this at another time in life. We can find something different, for sure. But what's rare is the most valuable in my opinion and should be heavily-cherished.

 

But again, my point of view...

 

Anyway, if she's a sociopath, I could also say that she just used me during those 8 years, showed me what I wanted to see and that's all. But I can't really believe such an explanation : after all, 8 years is a long time and seeing her as impulsive as she is, I don't believe she could have stuck together with someone else.

 

It worked because it was ME and she doesn't realize it. All she realizes is that it failed because it was me and that is, for sure, also true...

 

*sigh*

[Brotherhood67]

One thing makes me kind of laugh, though :

 

When I'll read this topic in one year, I know it will feel strange... Gives hope !

[silversoul]

Brother, let me tell you that I'm in a similar situation but I'm a bit at a different stage than you. I too felt all these emotions, heck I still have them, even today I'm hurting but I'm starting to realise that his love was not good enough for me if he could leave me when a different girl appears. Don't we deserve someone who will love us 100%, who won't leave us? I sort of don't want his love anymore, because it is not real if he was able to break up with me. Do you know what I mean? It is sad that they didn't love us as much as we did but now we know they didn't, therefore we can look for someone who will. When we are ready. We'll be fine. Like you said, in a year, we are most likely to be healed. Stop all contact with her so you can really start to heal.

[H3nk1]

I think that you in some time might very well see that your deep bond with this run-away, emotionally stumped and destined-to-fall woman can indeed be found, replaced and even exceeded with someone else!

 

Think about it for a second, would you really prefer to live the rest of your life with an emotionally unhealthy woman?

 

Myself, I am not bad. Trying to take care of myself (therapy and medication) while slowly reconciling. It is difficult, but I am doing what I can and remain positive

[Brotherhood67]

I think that you in some time might very well see that your deep bond with this run-away, emotionally stumped and destined-to-fall woman can indeed be found, replaced and even exceeded with someone else!

 

Think about it for a second, would you really prefer to live the rest of your life with an emotionally unhealthy woman?

 

Myself, I am not bad. Trying to take care of myself (therapy and medication) while slowly reconciling. It is difficult, but I am doing what I can and remain positive

 

Hi ! Thanks for your support and let me tell you that I'm really happy to see you making some progress with your ex. Do not hesitate to share your news if you want to !

 

Last time I talked with her through text was last sunday... 5 days of NC and I'm not willing to break it for any reason...

 

However, I feel myself slowly drifting away... I know I should look at this woman and tell myself that she hurt me willingly and without any kind of remorse but I can't forget her last texts about the fact that I'm special to her and that she wants to see me again very much... I know I should not trust her and give her that, I know. But I can't help myself : my feelings for her are still there, our bond was indeed really deep...

 

I think she is most certainly extremely immature (37 years old, she could be a teenager when I realize what she has done...).

 

During the last months of my relationship, I wasn't happy and it showed, no doubt about that. However, It's mainly because I felt completely abandoned by her and in the end, I was right...

 

What should I do ? I can't do anything, she's with someone else and madly in love with him... I feel so betrayed, so bad...

 

I'll have a cigar *sigh* 5 per day these days...

[Lonewing]

You get back to those things you like doing, before you met her, or find new things you like doing, and stay busy - it's YOUR life once again, not what you let her dictate what your life would be. Fake it until you make it!

[Brotherhood67]

You get back to those things you like doing, before you met her, or find new things you like doing, and stay busy - it's YOUR life once again, not what you let her dictate what your life would be. Fake it until you make it!

 

Yep, exactly... There are many things that I'm actually doing to prevent myself from thinking of her but I can safely say for the moment that it doesn't quite work the way I'd like it to...

She left such an impression in my soul, It will be difficult to let it go or even erase her... But I have to.

 

I stay busy all the time and rediscovered many of my former hobbies but my mind has not quite recovered yet. I wish I could do what she is doing...

 

I dated 3 girls since our break-up in order to move on but it really hurt everytime. I think I'm not ready, I need to stay single and focused for the time being, I believe. I cannot do what she's doing at this very moment, I just can't forget her the way she forgot and erased me from her life.

 

Single and focused. The way to go !