Johnny Utah Posted January 11, 2014 Share Posted January 11, 2014 Yes, you're absolutely right about it. I don't question thé fact that she has moved on and not hoping for a réconciliation. Our former relationship died with her lies and actions. Any kind of reconciliation would bring resentment and pain for the time being. I just don't understand why she cries also on the phone and keeps telling me such things. It's just like she doesn't realize how much pain she caused to me. I thought somebody already said it? To draw you in. To get attention that she doesn't get. To live in the drama and not deal with the real fact that it's over. That's why you don't accept it. Link to comment
H3nk1 Posted January 11, 2014 Share Posted January 11, 2014 Hi, Thanks for your question... Last 2 days were pretty tough, I had an interview with my boss about this little "accident" in court last thursday... he told me he understands and asked me to take some time for myself till next monday. I spent those days thinking about her and our history... I am Lucky since I really don't want or need to talk to her so keeping NC à reality is not a problem. That's something. On the other hand, I still can't understand how she replaced me so quickly in her life, making plans with this guy while saying that she cares à lot about me and That I'm one of the most important persons and parts of her life, past, present and future (present is somehow clouded by this guy, after now 4 weeks). Il drives me insane... And rightfully so You got dealt cards being a person capable of such an (to us) absurdly hurtful thing. It must be utterly incomprehensible. What will you do when she crashes? Would you ever be able to forgive? Link to comment
Brotherhood67 Posted January 11, 2014 Author Share Posted January 11, 2014 I thought somebody already said it? To draw you in. To get attention that she doesn't get. To live in the drama and not deal with the real fact that it's over. That's why you don't accept it. Yes, I understand. And, at the same time, she ignores me while being with this guy (somehow, I understand that) and doesn't want to be disturbed in her new and "perfect" little life... and thinking of me and what needs to be done is just downright "boring" to her. In fact, she doesn't take Any kind of responsability for what she has done and puts thé blame on me... my god, she is quite a mess of a person. I don't recognize the girl I fell in love with... Link to comment
Brotherhood67 Posted January 11, 2014 Author Share Posted January 11, 2014 And rightfully so You got dealt cards being a person capable of such an (to us) absurdly hurtful thing. It must be utterly incomprehensible. What will you do when she crashes? Would you ever be able to forgive? To be honest, I already forgave her. I find her behaviour utterly pitiful and as time goes by (quite slowly for the time being, to be honest...), this feeling keeps on reinforcing itself. I am slowly beginning to convince myself that I deserve better. Problem is : I am also capable to forget pretty much anything when someone I care for is hurting and showing it... "Emotional blackmail" works wonders with me but hey, what can I say ? It's the way I am... Link to comment
Brotherhood67 Posted January 11, 2014 Author Share Posted January 11, 2014 And just like my partner said yesterday : "stay strong, it could be worse. You could be specialized in family law..." Link to comment
Brotherhood67 Posted January 12, 2014 Author Share Posted January 12, 2014 Some news : I dealt with the papers regarding my divorce, she kind of agreed on my terms (I hope she won't change her mind). The car is taken care of and I'm currently planning my moving out. I'll simply send her some profesionnals in february. What a mess, people, what a mess... I'm still in NC though, I managed to do everything with the help of some of my friends. Thanks to them ! On a more positive note : everyday, it gets better. I think I'm moving on, thanks to her and her attitude, sadly... Link to comment
Brotherhood67 Posted January 13, 2014 Author Share Posted January 13, 2014 Last news : She returned to her job today and sent me an email... I give you the exact transcript : "Hello, How are you ? I just received your letter and the enveloppe came in pretty messy but It will do. My god, you didn't leave much room on your papers for me to fill in the blanks... See you, kisses X." What do you make of that ? She seems so happy about terminating our marriage it is almost insulting... She even is friendly... Pfff, here we go again, she messed another time with my head... Why in hell does she send me something like that, knowing she is with another guy and wants to follow in in Canada (4th weeks mark since they are "officially" together)... Still in no contact, though... Please, some advice ? Link to comment
Hoody Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 Havent been able to read all of this but from what i read i would email her telling her how you feel in the whole situation...that its not as easy for you as it apparently is for her and she could atleast try to handle the situation better. Link to comment
H3nk1 Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 She keeps it up I see... What a mess. Well, I read her mail as quiet before the storm behaviour. It is striking how her "easygoing" attitude is destined to fall victim to her way of ending your relationship. When it all comes falling down, her facade will crack. She might seem "happy" and what not, but she really is not - even though she has come to realise this or not yet. I am sorry friend, I would stay NC. Or, give her a true piece of your mind. It does not really matter - you can sit back and just watch it unfold.. Link to comment
Brotherhood67 Posted January 13, 2014 Author Share Posted January 13, 2014 She keeps it up I see... What a mess. Well, I read her mail as quiet before the storm behaviour. It is striking how her "easygoing" attitude is destined to fall victim to her way of ending your relationship. When it all comes falling down, her facade will crack. She might seem "happy" and what not, but she really is not - even though she has come to realise this or not yet. I am sorry friend, I would stay NC. Or, give her a true piece of your mind. It does not really matter - you can sit back and just watch it unfold.. I'll stay in NC, that's not a problem for me (hopefully). Honestly, I don't even know what kind of answer to make to that and I'm not interested by any kind of "small talk" with her for the moment. It's just like she wants me to be as happy or easygoing as her in this situation and can't understand it's just IMPOSSIBLE. Even this mail is completely useless when one consider that our relation is "strictly business" since day one of our break-up... She just can't realize that. This is exactly the kind of email she would have made when we were together (exception made for speaking of divorce Is she playing me ? Don't understand why she would do so, there is not much at stake, especially since I took care of everything... Will she fall down ? I don't know. She seems so enthusiastic and madly in love with guy, dunno if it's a facade but, in some way, her reaction is so strange it doesn't make any sense. We are not friends, she willingly rejected me after all and she keeps on acting like it's no big deal. What a mess... Link to comment
H3nk1 Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 Some things are too absurd to be "true". Her behaviour in your situation is just that. She is indeed playing you. But I do not think she knows. She is not lacking in intelligence or emotional maturity in a general sense is she? I guess no, since you both married and loved this woman. The point is this: Every sane and grown up person would understand YOU in this situation. Especially her. She clearly does not, which makes is highly likely she is up for a unpleasant awakening when she returns to reality after infatuation.. Link to comment
Brotherhood67 Posted January 13, 2014 Author Share Posted January 13, 2014 Some things are too absurd to be "true". Her behaviour in your situation is just that. She is indeed playing you. But I do not think she knows. She is not lacking in intelligence or emotional maturity in a general sense is she? I guess no, since you both married and loved this woman. The point is this: Every sane and grown up person would understand YOU in this situation. Especially her. She clearly does not, which makes is highly likely she is up for a unpleasant awakening when she returns to reality after infatuation.. I don't know. She lost me there... A facade it is, probably, though if she wanted to keep me on the friendly side, this is probably the worst possible and conceivable way to go. WTH ? I am making all the efforts (and I am the dumpee and suffer considerably for it !) and I just REAAAAALLY love her... I think one could really make her life miserable with what she's done and, hopefully for her, I won't ever do this to someone I love and care for so deeply... *SIGH* Link to comment
H3nk1 Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 I don't know. She lost me there... A facade it is, probably, though if she wanted to keep me on the friendly side, this is probably the worst possible and conceivable way to go. WTH ? I am making all the efforts (and I am the dumpee and suffer considerably for it !) and I just REAAAAALLY love her... I think one could really make her life miserable with what she's done and, hopefully for her, I won't ever do this to someone I love and care for so deeply... *SIGH* Sigh The cost of taking the high-road, eh? We are only human. And you are suffering through hell. I guess you have TRIED to explain this to her? Link to comment
Brotherhood67 Posted January 13, 2014 Author Share Posted January 13, 2014 Sigh The cost of taking the high-road, eh? We are only human. And you are suffering through hell. I guess you have TRIED to explain this to her? Ooooh, yes. Don't forget I cried for one hour one on the phone wishing her to be happy and remembering all the good times we had together. But, to be honest, she just listened to me and was a bit affected but her mind was soooo far away at that time... I think her email is indeed some kind of facade - who on earth is capable of ending a relationship of 8 years like this and not stand affected ? She probably wants to show me that she is sooo over it that it doesn't affect her at all (which may sadly be the case for real - terrifying to think of). Is she lying to herself and wanting to show me how strong she is ? We are talking about approving a document about our divorce - if it is the case, it can only mean that she lost her love for me for a VERRRRY long time but it is unlikely - things went really down in last october I think... Link to comment
H3nk1 Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 I think her email is indeed some kind of facade - who on earth is capable of ending a relationship of 8 years like this and not stand affected ? She probably wants to show me that she is sooo over it that it doesn't affect her at all (which may sadly be the case for real - terrifying to think of). Is she lying to herself and wanting to show me how strong she is ? Well, she might THINK this is the case for now. I do not think she is lying on purpose. My guess is a defense-mechanism. Because no one is capable of acting like her without shutting of her emotions completely. Not only that, her choices now are so DRASTIC. And those so often fail when made in infatuation... You poor soul. Link to comment
Brotherhood67 Posted January 13, 2014 Author Share Posted January 13, 2014 Well, she might THINK this is the case for now. I do not think she is lying on purpose. My guess is a defense-mechanism. Because no one is capable of acting like her without shutting of her emotions completely. Not only that, her choices now are so DRASTIC. And those so often fail when made in infatuation... You poor soul. Well, I decided to answer her email and made it clear that I am not her friend. She asked me how I was nevertheless because "It's not because you're not my friend that I cannot be preoccupied by your well-being" and I answered "Hum, your guess ?" She then became angry and said that if I wanted to do thing this way, then it would be this way. She then asked about some stuff at our appartment (sharing) and the divorce. I answered this (I am not expecting an answer and I am not gonna have one I think) : "I believe you don't realize some things which are pretty clear in my opinion : 1-You made me suffer like I've never suffered before because I loved you from all my soul; 2-You didn't want to work together in order to solve our couple's problems and not to throw away 8 years together without even giving me the opportunity to express myself ; 3-You left for someone else; 4-What is "good" for you is not good for me. The only things that preoccupy you are material and trivial things, not me, stop pretending. I am the dumpee and I am kind enough to make it work and find solutions in order to make you happy even today and I make an effort to forget everything because I love you, ! This is proof of my love and actions but it is quite clear for me that you just can't stop being angry and to keep on hurting me. Put yourself in my shoes and ask yourself this : How would you have reacted if I dumped you for another girl after 8 years, made her move in with me and asked you to come over and take away all your stuff ? You would have all the reasons in the world to tell me to go to hell with it and I wouldn't be surprised by your reactions ! Get your eyes out of your ass, damnit !" What do you think ? Link to comment
H3nk1 Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 I liked it. Perhaps others here disagree.. I just love how SHE got angry beforehand. No reason not to speak your mind in this situation! Link to comment
Brotherhood67 Posted January 13, 2014 Author Share Posted January 13, 2014 I liked it. Perhaps others here disagree.. I just love how SHE got angry beforehand. No reason not to speak your mind in this situation! Yes, and anyway, I wanted my answer to focus on facts. I already told her everything. I just wanted her to stop with this BS and stop pretending like she cared for me. I will stay kind till the end cause I still love her but I had to show her what kind of effort I was putting into making this divorce as painless as possible, especially after what she did to me... Moreover, this is not an aggressive answer, is it ? Link to comment
H3nk1 Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 It was aggressive per se! But taken in context it is very much understandable and even more so called for, given her messed up behaviour. Now, if she "understands", I would be surprised. This whole ordeal seems like her being out of touch with both herself and reality... Let us know if she finds her eyes Link to comment
Brotherhood67 Posted January 13, 2014 Author Share Posted January 13, 2014 It was aggressive per se! But taken in context it is very much understandable and even more so called for, given her messed up behaviour. Now, if she "understands", I would be surprised. This whole ordeal seems like her being out of touch with both herself and reality... Let us know if she finds her eyes Oh boy... Here's her answer. Thanks to her, my healing process is gaining speed by the minute... "1- I didn't leave you for another guy; 2- I think you should stay fair with me and not leave me in a financial mess while we are still married. That's why I don't understand. Will you give me some financial aid until we are divorced ? And sorry for telling you this but it is in my own right not to be willing to return to you. And I'm not putting you on a rush like telling you that I will put your stuff on the sidewalk because you're not getting them instantly so stop the BS about this. SO, can you tell me how to deal with our divorce financially ? I can't pay for everything on my own for the moment. And stop telling me I'm only interested in material things, I just don't want to be in a financial mess. We need to talk about it". Seriously. SERIOUSLY ! How can I even read this thing with a straight face ?? I began to laugh people. To actually laugh... Link to comment
H3nk1 Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 What the actual ****. Eh, uhm, yeah, so, right. Was this woman EVER emotionally healthy? Link to comment
Brotherhood67 Posted January 13, 2014 Author Share Posted January 13, 2014 What the actual ****. Eh, uhm, yeah, so, right. Was this woman EVER emotionally healthy? I still love her to death but my god, I don't recognize her. Is she mad or what ? She is absolutely self-centered and doesn't care a bit about me, or does she ? Her mind seems completely messy, absolutely and completely messy... Link to comment
mhowe Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 So....are you going to support her while she sleeps with another man? Pay for her move to Montreal? Throw a going away party? Link to comment
Brotherhood67 Posted January 13, 2014 Author Share Posted January 13, 2014 So....are you going to support her while she sleeps with another man? Pay for her move to Montreal? Throw a going away party? Yes, with some champagne, cigars and all her family... Seriously, the only thing I want to do now IS TO GET THE HELL OUT OF THIS MARRIAGE ASAP. What a development, what a relief... I feel so much better now that I see who she really is and how much she really cares about me... I still love her to death and it will stick but I'm no fool... Link to comment
mhowe Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 You love your "original" perception of her. THIS woman is really not very lovable! Link to comment
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