Brotherhood67 Posted February 9, 2014 Author Share Posted February 9, 2014 I have just read all of your story and I'm going through the very same situation – the relationship tough was alive for only 1 year and a half... I was cheated, she fell in love INSTANTLY for some guy, totally ruined my vacation with my family etc. And there's more: it also has to do with Berlin. Sorry to hear this, hang'on, it will get better... What was her name ? After all, she cheated on me twice, maybe a third time with you ? (Just kidding, of course... but regaining one's sense of humour is probably one of the best ways to get over something like as a break - up. ..) Link to comment
mariland Posted February 10, 2014 Share Posted February 10, 2014 And oh, some thoughts on your ex, after done some thinking about it (sorry if I write something wrong, English is not my first language). After being in a relationship for so long, people have a tendency to forget who they are. In her mind, I think your ex is trying to "make up for the lost adventure time". Is there a possibility that this French is her soulmate or something? Yes, and it's as big as 0,01%. During the LDR, as I could understand from what you said, you were the one with a goal. You knew what you want and was going for it. So, on a daily basis, you were working, making money for both of you, planning for the future. You had your share of problems to deal with and your objectives to pursue, you loved her and you knew it. Her, on the other hand, got lost in the process. A proof of this is that she is even changing countries and her job. She does not have a clue what she wants anymore. So, like a teenager, she's trying something to get out of her crisis, and the French is just a excuse to do it. The problem is, she was probably vulnerable, craving for attention, and any guy would do to take her out of her boredom. But this does not come without consequencies. She has lost you as friend, as a husband, and as something steady and true. And later on she WILL regret this immensely. At this time, crash and burn is the BEST thing that can happen to her. I know you are in pain – I am too – but she will be WAY worse than you are now later on. You have a goal – you know how to love and you know what you want. She's as blind as a bat right now and is doing everything in an act of despair and delusion. Link to comment
silversoul Posted February 10, 2014 Share Posted February 10, 2014 It is very dangerous to think that she is not knowing what she's doing. She chose to exit the relationship because she was unhappy. People don't leave when they are happy. She was selfish enough to leave the relationship, she will be selfish enough to ensure her happiness. I'm not supporting her actions but for the OP's sake and his healing it is important not to try to analyse what may happen to her. She may have a super happy relationship with her new bf and make kids. Rather than predicting her future failure, OP should concentrate on his life. Link to comment
mariland Posted February 10, 2014 Share Posted February 10, 2014 You are completely right, silversoul. I'm in a similar situation myself, so, I'm saying all that for me too. IM the one predicting that this will happen to my ex, and I just projected on brotherhood's story. I'm sorry for that. I'm lost and hurting a lot too, just tried to help but it ended up a mess. Link to comment
silversoul Posted February 10, 2014 Share Posted February 10, 2014 Oh common, I know what you mean and chances are that you are right, but it is possible that they may be happy after ever. So why set up myself for further pain and disappointment? I'm myself in this situation, I'm just imagining my ex getting married to his new gf and already having a kid Just makes things easier for me for some reason. Link to comment
Brotherhood67 Posted February 10, 2014 Author Share Posted February 10, 2014 To be fair, I think both of you are right but for different reasons. I think that what you wrote over there is absolutely true : she even told me more than once that she wanted to have a new life, to change everything and your theory about "making up for the lost adventure time" is correct. After all, she also told me that this man had nothing to do with her decision (delusionnal thinking - leaving someone for someone else is always easier than leaving for nothing in my opinion) and that she wanted to explore new horizons. And those horizons do not include me. She was unhappy with her job, our LDR and, overall, fed up with her situation without realizing, in my opinion, that overcoming those issues needs work, patience and the will to trust each other completely by communicating more efficiently. She did none of those actions and simply jumped on another boat, believing that she would be able to manage everything on her own and without support. In other words, she simply ran away very cowardly and that, my friends, has nothing to do with me, this new man or anyone else on this planet. That's her reaction when confronted with difficulties in general. And she will probably do the same if a similar situation ever comes accross her feet... Moreover, her whole plan relies on him. Everything relies on him and she is too dumb or stubborn to even accept it. Her bad. Seriously, would you even consider a woman or a man who tells you after 15 days that she/he wants to join you in your country, leave everything, dump her/his boyfriend/girlfriend and live on your financial support ? Doesn't that sound a bit... how can I say... DESPERATE AND IRRATIONAL ??? Personnaly, I would not, both for me and for the other person - getting to know eachother takes time and for good reason. There is too much at stake by exposing oneself to such non-sense after such a short period of time... Again, her bad. Lawyerly and rationally speaking without analyzing one ounce of her emotions that I can't pretend to know, her project is doomed from the start : immigration law in Canada is extremely selective ifyou don't work in specific fields. Her studies and profesionnal experience mean zip for canadian authorities. They are listed on what they call "extremely low priority", which translate in "you can't go in" unless you possess a job in Canada (really easy if you're not there...) or are married to a canadian... This could be a solution, marrying him... Yay for her after 2 months of mostly vacation time !! She will crash and burn, that's a fact for me, I second Mhowe and others on this topic. However, as Silversoul said, I'm also quite sure she won't regret being with me. She will probably feel a certain amount of nostalgia towards me, especially if things go bad in a few months but I'm skeptical about thinking that her selfishness will disappear. She will just reiterare her actions, i.e jump on another boat and somehow manage to stay afloat... And she can't have babies ;-) Link to comment
Brotherhood67 Posted February 11, 2014 Author Share Posted February 11, 2014 Moving out is finally scheduled : february 28th. On march 4th, we would have celebrated our 8th year together... Guess it's a sign. I talked with her many times throughout the week-end and don't feel anything special for her while doing it. I know I still love her but to be honest, my mourning has come to an end. 2 Months was a long time but, in a way, a satisfying one. My life changed quite a lot during this time, my clients are amazed, my family is amazed, my partners equally so... Changed my style, gone to the gym quite a lot, lost 30 pounds... Amazing. I am no longer angry or sad when talking to her (though I never showed my anger), I'm just preoccupied by her well-being, even after all this. I won't do or tell anything to her regarding this but honestly, I just want her to be happy nonetheless. I still care so, in a way, she hasn't lost me. And I think she knows it. Bwah, life goes on. My new date is extremely promising, : for the first time since our break-up, I feel genuinely interested in someone. Could be a rebound or not, I do not know. What I do know is that she is an interesting and charming gal and who could ask for more for the time being ? I'm taking things as they come for the first time in years, without having to plan anything, schedule or look forward to something. It feels good. LDR was indeed killing me slowly, like some kind of poison. This poison was more effective on my ex, that's all ;-) Link to comment
undergirl Posted February 11, 2014 Share Posted February 11, 2014 congrats! i wish i could get over my break up this quickly as well...just as i thought i was feeling better i started feeling like i'm back to stage 1 again...keep it up and good luck with this new date Link to comment
Brotherhood67 Posted February 11, 2014 Author Share Posted February 11, 2014 congrats! i wish i could get over my break up this quickly as well...just as i thought i was feeling better i started feeling like i'm back to stage 1 again...keep it up and good luck with this new date Healing after a break-up is a roller-coaster ride : one day you'll feel okay, the next day like cr** and cry a river over your past relationship... Trust me, it will get better. I felt the exact same thing during about two months - sleeping like a baby and eating well one day, standing awake and no appetite on the other... The only thing I could tell you in order to "accelerate" the process is to focus on something which does not imply your ex in any way, like taking a class, volunteering, etc. in order to reinstate in your mind that you do not need your ex in order to find happiness. This doesn't necessarly imply dating others (trust me, I dated 3 women since our break-up, it was horrible until this new girl... Made me return to stage 1 each time...) but simply to initiate something in your brain which will grow in time and leave your ex behind... Link to comment
Brotherhood67 Posted February 19, 2014 Author Share Posted February 19, 2014 NC for almost two weeks, it feels quite good. I will receive all my stuff on march 3rd, on the exact same day (I checked, I believed it was on the 4th initially) of our 8th birthday or should I say, the "8th birthday" of our dead relationship. It's really ironic. After this date, I won't have any more reasons to contact her and, to be fair, I feel wonderful in knowing this. I can't wait to get past this date, even if tears will probably come to my eyes on this day when I'll realize that now, everything is really formally dead... On the joke side, she did make contact. Yes, she did. To ask me for money in order to "repair" my car that she broke - a headlight. I was really amused to see this mail today. I guess nothing's changed on her side... She contacts me and begs for 300 dollars complaining that she is broke and, at the same time, signed up for a permanent residenship in Canada. More than a thousand bucks. Lol PS : My birthday is on 22nd of this month, can't wait to see her forget about it. it will give me even more closure. Life's good ! Make the most of everything ;-) Link to comment
Brotherhood67 Posted February 21, 2014 Author Share Posted February 21, 2014 Even more contact yesterday, she sent me two emails (one at work and one on my personal account - both were sent on those two addresses) and one text. BAM, after two weeks NC ! Emails were about knowing how I am and if my book was still on due course (I'm currently writing a book)... Text was "hello You just HAVE to go and see this *** exhibition ! It's wonderful !!" Can't stop laughing. I know that if I ever answer to them, next thing would be "ok, so, did you see my last email about your car's headlight ?".... What is she thinking ? that I'm completely dumb ? Link to comment
Mordechai Posted February 22, 2014 Share Posted February 22, 2014 Well, happy birthday, Brother I didn't have much to do today except cleanning my appartment and self-loathing, so I checked out your thread (as you suggested in mine), read the whole thing and it is truly AMAZING how far you've come since the first page! Keep on moving, sometimes the journey is truly the destination And a quick thought on the sociopathy thing: We live in a time when the phrase "many fishes in the sea" is mentioned more often than anything considering relationships, so it became some kind of a standard to use relationship as a mean to reach our selfish goals. So, in reality, if a person is able to set himself aside for the sake of his/her relationship and real deep love, isn't he/she the real sociopath? Link to comment
H3nk1 Posted February 23, 2014 Share Posted February 23, 2014 Happy belated friend! How did your birthday turn out? All the best Link to comment
Brotherhood67 Posted February 23, 2014 Author Share Posted February 23, 2014 Thanks for your posts ! Birthday was pretty nice : a somewhat big party with my friends, no stress, everything was really nice and relaxed. Many laughs, I felt really good. All in all, I didn't think of my ex one bit. Never thought I could ever do so until about some weeks ago... She actually thought of my birthday - she sent a message "Hi ! I wish you a happy birthday ! I do not know if you received my other messages but I hope you're well and that your book is well under way. Have a good time and a great day !" To be fair, I'm quite disappointed : I never thought she would actually think of it but Bwah, whatever... I didn't answer, of course. I didn't even flinch when receiving it. Those last days, I realized something really important, which allowed me to move on even further. I took a look on my other friends, my really close friends. They were with me on my birthday. At the beginning of our post-break-up, I thought that I never could be her friend because I was still in love with her. To be fair, it was correct at the time. Today, however, I think I won't be able to be her friend because she doesn't share fundamental similarities with my other close friends : persons who I can trust, who are not egoistical maniacs, don't lie, are there for me when I am down and persons I care a lot about, persons who turn towards me because they know they can rely on me. All in all, she showed me that she is a damn liar, someone who will always think of herself before anything and anyone else. I don't want to be emotionaly involved with such a person. Period. And that's even more profound than my love for her. Too bad for her. She just doesn't deserve my care and this deep love I felt for her. Link to comment
H3nk1 Posted February 24, 2014 Share Posted February 24, 2014 Today, however, I think I won't be able to be her friend because she doesn't share fundamental similarities with my other close friends : persons who I can trust, who are not egoistical maniacs, don't lie, are there for me when I am down and persons I care a lot about, persons who turn towards me because they know they can rely on me. All in all, she showed me that she is a damn liar, someone who will always think of herself before anything and anyone else. I don't want to be emotionaly involved with such a person. Period. And that's even more profound than my love for her. Too bad for her. She just doesn't deserve my care and this deep love I felt for her. Hear hear, I hope you can return to this more and more. Link to comment
Brotherhood67 Posted February 26, 2014 Author Share Posted February 26, 2014 Some news : I got my car back ! My friend managed to get it back in one piece. Next and last stop : my stuff back. Everything will arrive on schedule, on march 3rd. I don't understand my ex : she told my friend (who got the car back) that she is leaving in june for Montreal as planned and that she is happy because we were talking again (which, btw, is wrong - I don't answer her numerous texts - see my last posts), that she wants to remain in good terms with me, that she cares for me, that we both share the blame for the end of the relationship (which btw, SHE NEVER, EVER, EVER TOLD ME - She rejected everything each time on me and never apologized for anything) and BLAH BLAH BLAH... What a damn b****. My friend, who knows the details, was stunned to see her tell him all this... Hopefully, he stayed cool and got the car back. Relief ! Why this BS people ? Is she delusional ? For me, as I already wrote, I feel fine. Didn't really care about the car and don't want to talk to her anymore. She is dead to me, she acted like some kind of treacherous b*** and I suffered too much. Resilience is finally kicking in... FINALLY. Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 26, 2014 Share Posted February 26, 2014 She isn't delusional --- she just cannot accept responsibility for what she did. Link to comment
Brotherhood67 Posted February 26, 2014 Author Share Posted February 26, 2014 She isn't delusional --- she just cannot accept responsibility for what she did. Too bad for her. I gave her numerous occasions to talk and to get things straight but she just ignored them and left me to rot in my grief. Just like me, it's time for her to learn some lessons. Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 26, 2014 Share Posted February 26, 2014 Grab a cigar and enjoy the show! Link to comment
Brotherhood67 Posted February 26, 2014 Author Share Posted February 26, 2014 Grab a cigar and enjoy the show! I'm already smoking, my lady ! Martini's up ! Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 26, 2014 Share Posted February 26, 2014 It is only 10am where I live --- there shall be no martini's at this hour!~ Link to comment
Brotherhood67 Posted February 26, 2014 Author Share Posted February 26, 2014 It is only 10am where I live --- there shall be no martini's at this hour!~ Hum, just have to wait a bit... It's really amusing to see how many times she reached out to me during those last 7 days. More than in three months time when I was asking her to talk. Funny. Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 26, 2014 Share Posted February 26, 2014 Her addiction of choice is "attention" and you have stopped. Link to comment
Brotherhood67 Posted February 26, 2014 Author Share Posted February 26, 2014 Sure thing. You're right as usual. This makes me think about the rest of your messages about her "future". Think that, in time, you shall be proven right once again... Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 26, 2014 Share Posted February 26, 2014 It is both a gift and a curse Link to comment
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