7 1/2 years and an e-mail...

[Brotherhood67]

To be fair, I don't really care for the outcome of their relationship - I was simply stating that seeing her now as unstable and an emotional bomb makes me feel less worthless.

 

It's selfish, I know, but it's real nonetheless. And it helps. As stupid as it sounds...

 

And moreover, wothlessness was my prime emotion after the break-up, it will probably be there for a while but my counselor (I followed some advice a few weeks ago about this) is a great help in getting myself back. I really changed a lot - both physically and emotionaly. For now, it's maybe more "fake it till you make it" but as days go by (and this conversation with my ex really helped me in this - I finally vented everything with her, which was really stunning - I talked about this with my counselor and he was impressed because he didn't think I would ever do so and was preoccupied by me keeping everything inside), I begin to really make it.

 

I feel good ;-)

[Brotherhood67]

Received a text today, to ask me about the state of my hand (I hurt myself pretty bad last week - had to go to the hospital). I told her I was fine.

 

Then, she simply sent me "Ok. I'm sorry for the way I acted"[/i] (!!)

 

I answered "I don't ask anything from you so I can't accept this. I'm sorry. I told you to think about what you've done and to ask yourself why and for what you want to apologize because, to be fair, the one you're providing me is useless. Be sincere and show it to me instead of simply talking and if you don't want to, then it's equally fine. I don't ask for anything anymore. Your behaviour destroyed my respect for you, my wanting to stay in your life and, in general, my care and my trust in you. So I don't really bother myself anymore with what you do, I don't care."[/i]

 

No answers.

 

Your opinion about her reaction ?? I wanted to be crystal clear...

[Brotherhood67]

Just a small rant for tonight. I can't shake but feel an atrocious feeling of pity towards my ex. I'll try to explain why.

 

I received all my stuff on monday and have since been working on tidying up everything. I discovered two things :

 

1 - She kept some stuff for herself, some small things (like videogames, some DVDs, some decoration), which I don't really care for but my god... It's so vile, so small, so pathetic... I feel so bad, I pity her for doing so. She is the complete opposite of myself on this - I am generous by nature, she is sooo selfish, it's embarassing... She played the "if he doesn't ask for it, I keep it"... Even some gifts she made me. It's pathetic.

 

2 - She only gave me MY stuff. None of the things we bought together. Again, I don't really care for material things but it shows once again how pitiful she is. I'm so embarassed when seeing this... No gift to remind me of our couple, no gift from her (not that I was waiting for something - mind you, but it would have been how I would have managed this kind of situation...).

 

She is so pitiful. So materialistic. It's ridiculous. I'm embarassed and ashamed to have lived with such a person for so long. I'm ashamed to realize how in love with her I was... How could I have been so blind ? How could I ever forgive her for her actions ? She killed everything... As a friend, as a lover, as someone I respected, as someone I cared for... She doesn't even realize that...

 

Again, it doesn't disturb me anymore on more than a superficial level - And here I thought that I would NEVER, EVER, emotionaly leave someone I cared for - may it be a friend, an ex or anyone...

 

And she is getting pretty close on making me realize that I'm doing it with her. Am I a bad person ? I don't know. I can't fight my feelings on this, I'm so disappointed by her, I never felt this way before towards anyone...

 

*sigh*

[Ms Darcy]

I think you should block her. She's your ex and there is no reason for contact.

 

At some point you will realize this lashing out at her isn't doing anything really. Not changing her. Not making you feel better long term.

 

Time and distance from her heals.

[Brotherhood67]

Unfortunately, I still need to contact her to take my motorcycles back. It will happen soon.

 

I know it won't change anything to tell her all of this, I just tried to tell her that I don't care anymore. I'm pretty sure she won't contact me again willingly so it's more a way for me to act out and tell her everything I have on my heart, just like on monday. It helped a lot to sream everything at her head. I'm feeling much better since then, especially since I kept everything inside before. It won't change anything for her, I do it for myself.

 

I have nothing to blame myself for in this break-up and not much in this former relationship so it's some kind of a catharsis. It helps, I have to say.

 

Seeing as she keeps on blaming me, getting angry, etc. makes me feel better - I see that she is consistent in her pathetic ways and I distance myself better by seeing this.

 

I'm pretty sure she apologized (for the first TIME) because, in some ways, she must feel that I can still be useful to her. For what ? I don't know and I don't want to know.

 

Backup plan ? Friendship ? Money ? Something. And something for her, just for her. As I said, she's consistent.

[Brotherhood67]

Hum, another post tonight.

 

Everything's fine in my life, I'm working on my book twice as fast as before this break-up... I'm somewhat really creative those days...

 

Just won a trial which I never thought I could win : My tone is more convincing than ever, my partners were impressed. A good thing.

 

As for my healing, I feel strange. To be fair, since last week, I'm still a bit angry and disappointed by her attitude and everything. Disappointed by her lack of remorse, lack of empathy, lack of capacity to take responsability, lack of goodwill, lack of shame and, maybe, her lack of respect towards me, may it be during our former relationship and after (She talked about me to all her new "friends" and, no doubt about that, played the "sad little girl against the stupid and mean boy", earning sympathy and facilitating her moving on... Like a teenager complaining about his parents...). I'm disappointed and, mainly, I'm sad to have lost 8 years with her. Sad to be and have been in love with such a woman...

 

Like someone said to me one day : "To love is not difficult. To stop loving is impossible. How can we live with such a paradox ?"... He was right. And, like a fool at this time, I told him I was in love with my wife...

 

Tired of all this but I don't suffer anymore. That's good enough for the moment

[Brotherhood67]

Yeah, I almost forgot something.

 

We called it quits with my new former girlfriend.

 

It was a really nice break-up, both of us sharing the same point of view for the time being. She and I went through some really tough times and none of us are ready for anything serious, really.

 

My heart is broken, it barricaded itself behind a brick wall so there is no point in pretending. Can't feel anything for anyone.

 

We also don't want to hurt each other by being hypocritical so we agreed to part ways romantically but still hang out as friends. I just cannot be in a meaningful relationship for the time being and I really don't know if anything will change in this regard for the next months.

 

I'll focus on my book, my work and the many possibilities now offered by my new single life. It's for the best, I think.

[mariland]

Hey man, I got you. I have followed your story since the beggining, because it was almost same time me and my gf broke up. It was a one year relatioship which, being completely realistic, had its own problems, but was going really good. I have changed countries to be with her. Last Christmas I came to Brazil some days before her to be with my family – I'm from Brazil, she's from Germany – and guess what? She found Mr. German, the right one. In one week. I was left here in Brazil, my vacation ruined – we're supposed to travel – and with an already bought ticket BACK to Germany. All my stuff were there, I had to go back there to get them. Since last week I'm back in Brazil – thanks God – but it's been a nightmare.

 

I have tried everything: meditation, self-help books, medication, alcohol, friends, talking about it until I got blue in the face, everything I could possibly imagine.

 

It has been better than the first week, of course, but it's still very difficult. I just can't connect with nobody else, no matter how I try. I miss her like hell.

 

When will this hell be over?

[Brotherhood67]

Yes, trust me, it will get better. Only time will give you closure on this, especially after what you went through... Which sounds extremely painful I'm sorry for you

 

I began this thread in order to find opinions and I found a large community of people dedicated to helping each other, through the distance, through the void of the internet. Post here if it helps, it worked for me immensely and I cannot be grateful enough. Now, my story is closing day after day and I hope that, somehow, this story can give some example to anyone who will feel the need to find answers. It's the least I can do.

 

I did find some, some others I did not find but, all in all, I never thought that there could be so many helping hands on the internet. So, in a way, don't feel alone in this because, really, you're not !

[FRDM]

Like I said before, you need to agree with yourself that you're going to take some time out from relationships. What's the rush? If you end up with someone you're not that into then you'll just have to drop them when someone good comes along (which will make you feel and jade what could have been a good relationship with the better person). I felt pretty apathetic for months and still do to an extent. It's one step at a time for me still. Just trying to focus on making new friends and spending a few years developing my life the way I really want it. I figure that now I have no commitments, taking control of my own life for myself will inevitably lead to me being happier with myself and therefore attract someone who I'm properly compatible with.

 

Congrats with the work though! Keep that up!

[Brotherhood67]

Like I said before, you need to agree with yourself that you're going to take some time out from relationships. What's the rush? If you end up with someone you're not that into then you'll just have to drop them when someone good comes along (which will make you feel and jade what could have been a good relationship with the better person). I felt pretty apathetic for months and still do to an extent. It's one step at a time for me still. Just trying to focus on making new friends and spending a few years developing my life the way I really want it. I figure that now I have no commitments, taking control of my own life for myself will inevitably lead to me being happier with myself and therefore attract someone who I'm properly compatible with.

 

Congrats with the work though! Keep that up!

 

Yes, you're probably right...

 

3 months mark after BU today.

 

Tonight, I'm feeling quite lonely in a way and feel some kind of nostalgia towards this woman who I loved so much, towards this woman who I cherished above all else in this world, towards this woman with whom I shared so much yet so little in the end. I strongly believe I will love again some day but I don't believe I will ever find someone like her again, even with what she has done...

 

What does remain ? A few memories which I'd like her to feel also (WHY ?) but I think she completely turned the page, both romantically and emotionaly. In a way, it's for the best, even if I have to stay strong and cave in and if I'm the only one suffering.

 

In some months, she won't even remember my name anymore. That's just the way she is. And, in the end, I can't really be happy with someone so extreme, I know that. It doesn't hurt much anymore. I simply miss her. Yup. I loved her that much and she didn't even realize it and, seeing how she reacted, I also believe she never loved me that way. She simply loved how her reflection in the mirror of my eyes made her feel. That's all. And yes, when you're selfish and when you stare in someone's well of undying love, it makes you stick around for this sole reason.

 

And that's what I think she did.

 

When I told her to think about what she did, the pain she put me through, to reflect on herself and her behaviour (maybe, her responsability) and to think about telling me why she feels sorry and why she really wants to apologize, I somehow knew she would not understand and dismiss everything. She said she would to it, as usual, but that was 2 weeks ago. I'm not disappointed, I'm just sad to see that she doesn't give two fu*** about hurting people who she pretended to care so much about.

 

Keyword is "pretended'. I know.

 

Sorry for this melodrama, I like writing a lot ;-)

[mariland]

You are not alone in this. I'm just some days behind my 3 months after BU too. I also feel lonely today, and for the last couple of days I thought a lot abou my ex too... I just miss her. Your words described exactly how I am feeling today. Took for granted and forgotten.

 

Were half the world far from each other, but somebody down here in Brazil feels the same, buddy.

 

Maybe these type of feelings at this time after BU are just missing the person? Does it mean were healing in some way?

 

stay strong!

[Brotherhood67]

You are not alone in this. I'm just some days behind my 3 months after BU too. I also feel lonely today, and for the last couple of days I thought a lot abou my ex too... I just miss her. Your words described exactly how I am feeling today. Took for granted and forgotten.

 

Were half the world far from each other, but somebody down here in Brazil feels the same, buddy.

 

Maybe these type of feelings at this time after BU are just missing the person? Does it mean were healing in some way?

 

stay strong!

 

Hi,

 

Stay strong, 3 months mark is symbolic but it will comme to pass, too. Everything will come to pass...

 

Missing the other person and missing him/her only is maybe the path to true and deep healing but I will say this to you : I don't want to see her ever again. She hurt me in ways that obliterated my will to share ANYTHING more with her, even knowing how she is. She closed her heart, her brain, her emotions (if there ever were there...) on me with a snap of her fingers and I will simply do the same, although we are not equals in this : I force myself to do it but it's getting better day after day - My disgust towards her grows everyday. And that's a good thing.

 

After all, I told her this and I told her everything. So it's pretty clear she won't contact me anymore I think.

 

Don't let yourself suffer, you're better than this. Better than her, better than someone who is capable of acting in such ways. We are better than this and deserve better. You deserve better.

 

Sometimes, I think that all our emotions have a purpose in life, especially after a break-up. We should embrace them as they come because humans are the most resilient specie on the planet (we share this with cockroaches... Interesting ? ;-) ) and these emotions help us go through those dark times. So, in the end, I simply stick to my emotions everyday even if they fluctuate between sadness, angriness, hate (rarely), love, nostalgia because, in the end, the result will be an indestructible will to overcome this.

 

I'm not quite there yet, but results are already shining in ;-)

[mariland]

Feeling a little bit better this week... it was my bday, she sent me an email but I stayed strong and haven't replied.

 

Any news about you, brother?

[Brotherhood67]

Those last two weeks were exhausting. Too much work, I wasn't able to post in here because I didn't know what to do. I sincerely need your opinion on this.

 

I received an email, the day after her birthday (march 24th).

 

Before I begin to transcribe everything, I'll simply tell you that I don't feel like I want to reply to it. Your advice is welcome.

 

Here are her words :

 

"Hi,

Well. Here are the results of my thought process. I send you an email. I don't know if I should have used a traditional mail, I maybe would have preferred to tell you everything in person, not by phone but this will do.

I wrote many times, erased many times... Well...

 

I have been thinking a lot those last weeks or maybe months. On me. On us.

 

First of all, I don't reject our years together. They were wonderful on many levels. Our last three years were tough though (NB : LDR). I probably made some errors, like you, but I think there is no point in discussing this anymore. I think I made a fundamental error, not voluntarly, in this : I accepted sooner that I suffered from the situation. Not like you, who suffered from separation and distance, things I managed better than you, but from our arguments and the fact that I had the impression that I couldn't live my life even if you were suffering. I don't blame you (NB : Thanks...). I maybe took your suffering on the light side, undermining its importance. I'm sorry about this. Me, I suffered a lot from feeling restrained, even if it wasn't what you wanted to make me feel, far from it. Well, that's the way I felt about it. We didn't understand each other on our respective situations. I believed that by making those efforts I made, everything would be better in the long term. That it would solve itself. I stuck on us but the wrong way, I see it now.

 

I believed that, back in november, I cracked. Completely. I didn't want to hear or see you anymore. I wanted time to reflect on this, on us (NB By sleeping in another's man bed...) but, instead, I locked myself completely. I take full responsability for this. You should not have had to get through this, to suffer through this.

 

I'm really sorry for making you suffer so much, it's true. I sent everything flying off and particularly you, and that's not fair. It simply happened and I wasn't able to cool down, to reflect on this on the spot.

 

I understand why you hate me and I won't ever be able to repair all the damage I caused. I should have tried tried to explain all of this to you I just wasn't able to, I didn't want to, I didn't manage to do it.

 

That's it. I'm not looking for excuses for my behaviour, I'm sorry. Deep inside, I didn't want all of this.

 

I hope you'll understand this message. I'm being honest and direct. Once again, I'm not looking for excuses, simply to explain to you how I felt and why I acted the way I did. Even if it wasn't right.

 

Once again, I'm sorry.

 

V."

 

Well. I'm quite stunned...

 

She needs redemption after all... How touching...

[Indifference]

Dude, I still cant believe she just left after 7 years makes me angry just thinking about it! TBH i think she'll be back in some form when things get rockey its only a matter of when, mark my word she'll never forget about you ever.

[Doofus]

Eeek!

First, is this literally what she wrote? Is she a native English speaker?! "I sent everything flying off"???? I don't know what in the heck that means, but it seems that the gist of this email is this: She understands that she was callous and cruel. That's it. It's a rewording of what she's said before. Of what she doesn't have to say because you know it already.

 

I'm really sorry that this happened to you. It sucks. Be glad that she's out of your life and that this wasn't complicated by having had children with her. And don't reply. No matter how much you talk to her about this, you're never going to get a satisfactory explanation. She's not capable of giving you one. I know that sucks, but sometimes we have to accept the fact that we can't explain everything.

[Brotherhood67]

Eeek!

First, is this literally what she wrote? Is she a native English speaker?! "I sent everything flying off"???? I don't know what in the heck that means, but it seems that the gist of this email is this: She understands that she was callous and cruel. That's it. It's a rewording of what she's said before. Of what she doesn't have to say because you know it already.

 

I'm really sorry that this happened to you. It sucks. Be glad that she's out of your life and that this wasn't complicated by having had children with her. And don't reply. No matter how much you talk to her about this, you're never going to get a satisfactory explanation. She's not capable of giving you one. I know that sucks, but sometimes we have to accept the fact that we can't explain everything.

 

Ahahah, no she is not : she is French/German ;-)

 

I think she tried to tell me that she rejected everything by acting the way she did.

 

To be honest, I don't want to reply. I don't need any kind of explanation. As someone definitely wiser than me once said : too little, too late. Everything is broken anyway. In fact, I think she seeks redemption but Bwah. I'm tired of this.

[sharky988]

Meh. Poor baby.

 

That was probably written on her birthday, too. Sounds like she was throwing herself quite the pity party that day! Or maybe she's remembering kind things you did for her on birthdays past, and feeling that nagging sense of guilt...

 

Some people just can't stand to see themselves as being the bad guy. Lying, cheating -- doesn't matter what they did, deep down they still believe they're not *that kind of person* and won't rest until they've convinced everyone else as well.

 

So, she's feeling a guilty twinge. And she wants to make herself feel better. Reassure herself that there were valid reasons and explanations behind her actions, however self-centered they might seem.

 

Does she really care if YOU feel better after reading her email? Doubt it. This is about vindicating herself, not helping you to heal. My ex was great at doing that -- as if apologizing and explaining 8 million times and saying how bad he felt (while meanwhile having fun with his new girlfriend) somehow made him HONORABLE. "Hey, I treated you terribly -- but I feel awful about it, so it's all good!"

 

Whatever.

 

If she wanted to be REALLY honest and address what she did, her message would've sounded more like "Sorry for being so shallow and self-centered that I just decided it was easier and more exciting to hop into bed with someone else than to work things out with you. My bad."

 

Personally, I agree with you and wouldn't answer her lame self-pitying little missive.

 

You might consider sending her a box of Kleenex, though!

[mariland]

Well, I agree with everything that sharky wrote, the guilty stuff etc. But I think even this email is better than nothing; at least she realizes SOME of the damage she made you go through. In my case, the only explanation I got from the bucket of **** she threw at me was: "I fell in love for somebody else". As if falling in love was an explanation for everything.

 

But I also think you should not reply. Let her talk to the wind, from now on.

[FRDM]

Actually, to me this sounds pretty genuine and I'd love to have received something like this from my ex. Sounds to me like things may have got to her and she's only starting to realise that this other guy was nothing more than a catalyst. If you feel the urge to reply I'd say give it a while at least. Take any emotion out of the situation and keep going strong.

[sadpuppie]

Some people just can't stand to see themselves as being the bad guy. Lying, cheating -- doesn't matter what they did, deep down they still believe they're not *that kind of person* and won't rest until they've convinced everyone else as well.

 

My ex was great at doing that -- as if apologizing and explaining 8 million times and saying how bad he felt (while meanwhile having fun with his new girlfriend) somehow made him HONORABLE. "Hey, I treated you terribly -- but I feel awful about it, so it's all good!"

 

Haha...i think you just described my ex!

Thinking he has done nothing wrong and by feeling bad (even though banging another girl) he thinks he is being honorable and fair to poor little me!

[Brotherhood67]

To be fair, I also wholeheartedly agree with Sharky.

In my opinion, this message is nothing more than a self-centered way to ease her guilt before leaving for Canada and making the big and real jump into her new life. Schedule is coming fast (June) so things are probably getting tough on her side (planification, money, etc.) so she wants to settle scores before leaving I believe.

That's my opinion.

 

However, my mom contacted me yesterday about her. Normally, she isn't the kind of person who interferes into personnal matters but she wanted to tell me about something.

As you may recall, I had to take back my bikes and motorcycles (last things I still had in our former house) so I sent a friend to do it. He accepted on the spot. That was on thursday. However, since I had to move them into a garage, my mom told me that I could put them in her garage for the time being. I accepted. She joined my buddy over our former house and she saw my ex.

 

She told me that my ex was devastated when she saw my mom. She knew (my ex) that my mother is not the kind of person to blame anyone so she didn't ask about me or anything. Since my mother liked her a lot, they simply exchanged a few words and, pretty soon, cried together without saying anything. My mother took pity on her so much they stood together in front of our former house during for 20 minutes and cried. My ex simply said that she regretted everything.

 

After my buddy was done, my mother left. And she called me on friday, simply to tell me this.

 

Man, I think that if something like that had happened 2 months ago, I would have run to my ex. And now, I feel nothing. Lack of feelings, lack of anything. It makes me even angrier to know that she cried in front of my mother this way.

 

Pffff...

 

Maybe she was honest with her message but my god, it's so little and so late it's embarassing...

[Brotherhood67]

Some of you will probably blame me for doing so and rightfully so but I had to do it.

 

I had one last ordeal.

 

Before my ex broke up with me, I bought a present for Christmas which is of no use to me anymore. I sent it to my ex for her birthday 2 days ago, with a small card and my engagement ring, which I don't want to see or keep anymore.

 

I simply wrote her that even if our paths will never cross again, I hope that she wil be well and that I will always remember her. I concluded with "good luck for your new life and happy birthday".

 

She got it and sent me an email.

 

It says :

"I just received your package.

I'm very touched and moved by your attention. It makes me happy and brings back a lot of nostalgia. So many memories !!!!

Know that even if this break-up is my own act and that I won't go back on my email but didn't act the way I should have in this, You'll remain the most important person for me, someone with whom I spent those 8 years, and they won't simply go away.

If you ever decide to make contact with me and stay in contact, even later, I will be there.

 

I'll take great care of your ring."

V.

I felt terrible by receiving this message and still feel terrible but I had to do it. I had to get closure on this. A new life hopefully begins.

[Brotherhood67]

Already got proof of her lies in this last message.

 

Only 3 days later, nice record ! ;-)

 

Out of giving credit to my theory about her egoistical nature (even more proof, wow), I asked her if she was okay with completely shutting down contact and what she really would like to do with me (mind you, keep in contact, staying friends etc. not getting back together - so no pressure, especially since I don't want to ;-) ).

 

She took three days to give me half-assed answer : "I'm currently in your city so I didn't have time to answer, I don't want to give you an answer when I'm busy with going to see exhibitions at the musems and going to bars. I'll answer tomorrow". So much for the "most important people in her life", hunh ? Not giving 1 minute a day for him, that's really someone important, that's for sure ;-) In other words, she simply lies as usual, giving herself some slack by pretending to feel or think what she thinks I'd like her to feel. Doesn't explain her first message though but it clearly shows that she is just a self-centered and empty shell of a woman.

 

How could I ever have found something in her ? It's like I'm finally seeing her the way she really is. Why didn't I react sooner, why didn't I dump this girl a while ago ? I suffered through 3 years of LDR, through sadness and pain and I just realized : SHE was the one making me sad, by acting the way she did when we were together... Now it's soooooo easy for her to come to my city with her new toy-boy and back in the days, it was always "difficult, expensive, bla bla bla".

 

Damn, if she gave 10% of the effort she is giving to her new relationship to our former couple, we would probably have gone to the moon together !! And all she did was always making a big deal of coming here, planning week-ends together etc. She was making me unhappy and never felt anything for me. And now, she is just playing games while giving herself completely to this new guy. And I stuck with her, like an idiot. Like a prisonner loving his jailor.

 

It makes me laugh. Sadly, I spent 8 years with her and I probably lost at least 3 of them. That's quite stupid and probably the hardest pill to swallow...