7 1/2 years and an e-mail...

[Brotherhood67]

Hi,

Just wanted to share my story with you because I'm still confused about some details... Opinions wanted !

 

On November 14th, my wife (LDR, I had a career opportunity in another city) told me that she wanted a break, not knowing if she still had feelings about me. I was absolutely stunned by this, cried a lot and asked her about this decision. She refused to give me a reason, saying she was confused etc. I then asked her if she met another guy and she told me that this wasn't the case ("I don't need this break in order to go and see another man"). After 4 days of her fleeing from me and me asking for a reason, I left.

A month went past, with litte to no contact (three or four emails from her) and I wrote her a letter declaring that I was aware of some difficulties in our relationship (LDR for 3 years is always tough I think... And leads to break-ups...), wanted to work on it and that I still loved her and respected her decision. No begging, no "I love you"s every 5 sec., no texting etc. There was no answer to it but, really, I didn't expect any.

 

Exactly one month later, she emailed me that she wanted to break up and was sure about her decision. I answered in a non-devastated manner and simply said that while I respected her decision, I was still in love with her and didn't want her friendship because I would feel bad about it. She even thanked me for this answer...

 

Long story short, I went NC from this point after one last email in which I made some kind of summary about what I realized about our relationship, about me and about my regrets (very nice email btw). No answer.

 

5 days after this break up, I learned from a mutual friend (he thought I was aware of it...) that she was already with another guy and went to Montreal with him for Christmas (He lives there). Excuse my french but she never did have the b**** to tell me this and, officially, I'm not supposed to know... I stayed with NC after one last text for christmas (nothing special, "merry christmas" - she answered). I never told her about what I know of her new relationship (which is quite a bit, thanks google god ! ;-) )

 

This was on december 25th.

 

10 days later, she wrote me two friendly emails (4 days between them) asking about me and my holidays (which, SURPRISE !!! sucked) and asking me to forgive her for not communicating before ("too busy"... you bet !!!)... I don't understand why she does this (I still have my stuff in our former appartment, I know, and my car...) and, remember, I'm not supposed to know about the other guy... I'm pretty confused about it and stay in NC for the moment...

[mhowe]

File for divorce. She wants to fool.around...the long distance has broken your marriage.

[Brotherhood67]

In fact, I already did... I'm a lawyer ;-)

She will know about it on monday I think

[mhowe]

Good for you. There is no trust left...though I am sure you are devastated none the less.

[Brotherhood67]

Yes, I am. I'm really in love with her and tend to regret that this LDR ruined everything...

I'm especially bitter because she never told me aout this new guy... I tend to believe that communication is paramount but, really, some people don't believe in this...

One last point : we are in our 30's, I'm 30 and she is 37... So we had some "experience" before getting together...

[mhowe]

She knew exactly what she was doing...and yes, communication of problems/issues instead.of jumping into bed with someone else.would have been a better alternative.

[Brotherhood67]

I agree...

I also think she communicates with me (those two emails) in order to initiate contact and "plan" my future moving out (or maybe out of guilt, who knows ?) ... I'm becoming paranoid !!! (after a LDR, quite a paradox...).

I'm honestly terrifiied by what she did, I would never do this to anyone... Especially not after 7 1/2 years together...

[mhowe]

It would appear that something about her has changed...mid life crisis?

[Moontiger]

Good for you. And good that you are a lawyer so she won't be able to pull much, if any, legal BS.

[Brotherhood67]

Maybe...

She met a new crowd of friends a few months ago (who are about 10 years younger than her) and she essentially does with them all the things she used to do about ten years ago (when we met, I was in law school then). She never had the opportunity (or wanted to...) to present them to me due to our LDR (I work about 7h from her city).

I feel sad about this story because she has diabeetus and nearly died 15 years ago (heart problem). She cannot have children (I was OK with this, essentially because I didn't want to break up for such a reason)

I want her to be safe and to be by her side and now I feel completely rejected. That's pretty difficult for me, I still love her a lot...

[beesknees910]

Brotherhood,

You seem to be doing all the right things for your health. I'm sure it's very difficult. I can't even imagine to know what you're going through. I hope being here on ENA helps in whatever way you need. My Thoughts are with you

[Brotherhood67]

Thank you,

I never post on any forum and feel that ENA is somewhat different. I was impressed by many posts and read a lot about other stories so I wanted to share mine.

I feel much better, thanks to NC and what I read here...

I know that my story is quite depressing but thanks for your support !!!

[H3nk1]

I admire your composure friend, you seem strong in the midst of this trauma.

[AutumnBorn]

Brother, I recommend you get a copy of Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships. It's a very difficult to read (painful) sociology book on the universal "how" of breakups. It can really open your eyes to the clues and momentum of the goodbye.

[Brotherhood67]

I admire your composure friend, you seem strong in the midst of this trauma.

 

To be honest, I'm pretty devastated. My world turned upside down in a matter of seconds... I lost 25 pounds in 2 months, which speaks for itself...

 

I never showed her this because it would be like throwing gasoline on a fire - I think that no good can come out of saying or acting desperate or by following our own sorrow... I always need to "cool down" before acting, that's something we need to learn fast as lawyers and hopefully, it serves me well in this situation. Never show anything and stick to your own true ways... And in this case, my own and only true way is love.

 

I think that, in a relationship, love tends to change with time, going from this "honeymoon phase" to something more deep, more profound which I can only call "unconditional love", a way of loving and caring for our counterpart knowing they aren't perfect and that we should be fine with it. Love cannot be explained nor rationalized - even if the circumstances of this break-up, her lies and other false truths could very legitimately bring me to the sad conclusion that I should move on and never turn back, I simply can't.

 

I know, deep in my heart, that I love her with these faults. After all, I'm probably the man she loved the most at one point in time and for the longest time yet...

 

This doesn't mean that I could live with her after all of the events if we ever were to consider a reconciliation but I cannot forget those 7 1/2 years, I cannot forget how happy she made me feel, how she helped me when I was down (early lawyer years are quite difficult and mind-boggling). For all of those reasons, I just want her to be happy, I just want her to stay safe and in good health, even if it means seeing her with another man. I love her too much to react in a different manner. That's why I stood still with her, formaly accepted this break-up and never told her I was aware of the new guy.

 

It's quite simple, I think... I love her so much that I'm willing to sacrifice what I solely want (namely, being with her...). Knowing that she smiles, laughs, spends good time with this guy or her friends contents me. She lost me and I lost her but I will never forget her. I'm sure she knows that. And, somehow, that gives me some kind of inner peace. Strange, isn't it ?

[Twidom]

Honestly, I salute you. This kind of behavior is beyond my understanding. Don't get me wrong, I still love my ex and I'm glad for the happy times we had together, but wishing to see her happy after the way she broke up with me is just...She was completely coward and like yourself, did not give me a solid reason for the breakup.

 

I do have my guesses and I'm pretty sure there is another guy involved but I honestly don't want to find out for sure...I wish you all the best in the world. Keep your head up.

[SooSad33]

Wow- so mid life crisis can hit so young? In yer 30's? fps...

 

Hi Brother,... sorry to hear of your loss.

 

Loss of weight etc is due to anxiety. I had very much the same, months ago. Lost fifteen in 6 weeks. I felt so awful

I'm onto month 9 now *sigh*- as it has been a rough go.

 

You are very correct with how love goes re: the honeymoon phase. But, in due time don't be surprised if you do end up with some emotions such as resentment, anger, confusion, lonliness etc. It is common in this situation.

 

I understand your 'thoughts' towards her re: the deep love & hoping she is happy etc. Very kind of you.

 

But, many around here do understand your pains. This is NOT easy to cope with, for a while. A good few months.

You will have so many emotions as you work on trying to 'accept & heal' from your loss.

Give it time.. one day at a time.

 

tc

[Johnny Utah]

I feel the same as you Brotherhood.

 

Only difference is you have experienced much more than me, and for longer. I do believe that love means wanting them to be happy more than you and you should leave relationships better for having known them. I try to live this every time.

 

It's the high road but is often very very difficult to actually accept.

[Brotherhood67]

Honestly, I salute you. This kind of behavior is beyond my understanding. Don't get me wrong, I still love my ex and I'm glad for the happy times we had together, but wishing to see her happy after the way she broke up with me is just...She was completely coward and like yourself, did not give me a solid reason for the breakup.

 

I do have my guesses and I'm pretty sure there is another guy involved but I honestly don't want to find out for sure...I wish you all the best in the world. Keep your head up.

 

I understand what you are going through.

I went from feeling sad, angry, depressed in a matter of days, even hours and I know it's difficult. I know you're probably feeling betrayed or worse and no one but you can work on it and move on.

I can only tell you this : yes, my wife was a coward, yes, she lied, yes, she probably had an affait before leaving me BUT, honestly, the best way to move on is TO FORGIVE HER. After all, I'm not in her head and don't know what her real motives are, nor will I probably ever know. We all are humans and make mistakes, suffer, tell lies in order to achieve peace with each others and this isn't different. The only difference is that we chose to live together with our exes, to share those feelings and cannot expect to be on the same page everytime with them.

 

To be honest, all I can see in my story are her weaknesses. I am even beginning to feel some kind of pity for her, telling myself that chosing the easy way out (lying and going out with another guy) is proof enough that she just couldn't deal with a more "direct" break-up. And there's always a reason for this, don't you think so ?

[Brotherhood67]

I feel the same as you Brotherhood.

 

Only difference is you have experienced much more than me, and for longer. I do believe that love means wanting them to be happy more than you and you should leave relationships better for having known them. I try to live this every time.

 

It's the high road but is often very very difficult to actually accept.

 

Yes, it's the high road and I think, maybe the only one to use in order to achieve real inner peace. The other roads all lead to bitterness, resentment (so true !!!), etc.

It's also the most difficult to follow, without a shadow of a doubt...

 

As for being more experienced, it's my first time as a dumpee so you could say I'm quite a newbie in this matter ;-)

Before knowing my wife, I dumped my fair share of girls and I can finally see why they felt so awful after that (even if I never left one of them for another...). The tables have turned !!

[NoIdea2013]

This is such an excellent post- I would rep but on mobile.

 

It's also the mindset I'm trying to have with my most recent break up. I think it's the healthiest way to go about it long term.

 

Keep doing what you're doing man. Stay strong,keep your head up. I think a guy like you will find happiness again.

[H3nk1]

I am also in a state of devastation these days.

 

And now I admire you even more. That was a beautiful post.

 

I hope to arrive where you are myself. I think I am on my way too.

[Ms Darcy]

How often did you two see each other? Were there plans to move closer after the three years? How was the relationship overall?

 

 

Sent from my MB612 using Tapatalk 2

[Brotherhood67]

How often did you two see each other? Were there plans to move closer after the three years? How was the relationship overall?

 

 

Sent from my MB612 using Tapatalk 2

 

First of all, thank you all for your kindness, it really helps.

 

To summarize our relationship, I would say that we had 4 time periods :

First one, the honeymoon phase, which lasted for about one year. We moved in together after 6 months. Everything was perfect : she found a job, we were deeply in love and I was on my way of finishing law school.

 

Second one, which lasted for about 3 years, we lived together and were really happy, making plans about the future (after my graduation, etc.). No children involved (she can't have any), we travelled a lot together and were fine.

 

Third one, my first departure : I finished law school and got a job in another city. We talked a lot about this and agreed that I should leave in order to achieve greater financial security and allow us to be together in the future without worries. Moreover, she wasn't able to follow me because her job is quite rare (she works as an assistant-curator). I always wanted her to be happy in her career so didn't want her to follow me just for the sake of following me : she would have had to quit her job and friends and that would have been too hard. She asked me about marriage before my departure. I came back to her as many times as I could, considering financial problems (I still paid for our former appartment in which she lived and for the new one) and lack of time (lawyer...).

 

Fourth one, which lasted for about 6 months (June 2013 - December 2013) : great financial problems, many hiccups (seeing each other only once or twice a month) and lack of communcation. She met new friends (see my other post on this) and I slowly felt her drifting away from me. Couldn't do anything (too far away) about it, which made me very sad. And finally, our final break-up and this new guy (who, btw, lives in Montreal - he's French - so about 10 hours from her home).

 

Overall, it was a great relationship (we survived more than three years of LDR, which tends to prove our love) which was, in my opinion, destroyed by our financial and lack of communication problems. We had many plans (travels, buying a house, finding a new job for her in a new city with me - if all goes well, I will have a good salary boost next year, she knew about it and we were planning on taking this opportunity to reunite together) and were deeply in love in my opinion - we are extremely different, she is more hot-headed than me (I truly loved that about her ;-) ) and tends to act before thinking. That's why I was very skeptical about her asking me for a "break" in november because she never really hesitates a lot... She told me that she was adamant about her decision, which tends to prove this point... And can't understand why she sent me those emails, knowing that she is with this new guy (emails asking about how I am, quite sweet but nowhere as sweet as when we were together).

[Brotherhood67]

It's pretty hard today.

She was quite nice with me through those two emails (she is probably with this new guy and asked me if we could find some time to speak - don't know about what) but I cannot answer. Don't feel strong enough. I noticed she asked if we could speak during the day and not the evening, I think I know why... *sigh*

Moreover, I'm quite afraid of her reaction because she will know of my filing for divorce tomorrow. I wrote her a letter which will be with the notification, simply and nicely stating that I wanted to end things peacefully and rapidly... Don't know how she will react...