Ex trying to contact through mutual female friend - how to handle?

[jonyyy]

So Ex of 9 years cheated and dumped me for someone else. I'm in NC for over 3 months.

 

A very good mutual female friend, although very supportive with me, kept being super friends with Ex (going out, partying, excited to meet the new guy etc). I was unconfortable with that and told her I would go away for some time, but I would eventually get back in contact, so I cut contact with her too. During this time she sent me a couple short emails asking for me and tried to call. I never replied.

 

Now she sends me a long email with a type of conversation that I now is my Ex trying to get some info on me. What do I do?

 

1. I don't want to be rude with the mutual female friend, she has been a good friend, yet she hurt me by continuing being super friends with Ex.

 

2. I think I did things right, I told her I was going away for some time, for her not to worry etc. I didn't force her to choose.

 

3. What do I do in order to a) don't be rude to my friend; b) don't give my Ex the satisfaction of hearing news from me?

 

I don't want to reply but she threatned to stalk me, knocking on my door, going to my family jobs and asking for me etc. I don't want this type of drama!

[sharky988]

I don't want to reply but she threatned to stalk me, knocking on my door, going to my family jobs and asking for me etc. I don't want this type of drama!

 

If you don't want to reply, don't. I wouldn't assume this girl is going to really follow through on any of her stalking threats. If she does follow through, you can deal with it then.

 

If your ex ever has anything important to say to you, SHE'LL say it -- herself, not through someone else.

[Kendahke]

1. Tell her that you will not reply as it's none of his business what is going on with you.

2. Swear out a restraining order against her if she chooses to take things to the point of stalking you.

 

Or maybe, have your lawyer write her the response after showing him her threats to stalk you if you don't respond to her demands of information she's not fit to know.

 

She is the one pushing this.

 

 

She ceased being a good friend when she chose to hurt you by being besties with your ex. You owe her nothing now. She had no loyalty or allegience to you.

[DancingFool]

Hate to tell you this, but she is not your friend and hasn't been since you and ex split. When you two split, she did take sides, your ex's side to be exact and you got demoted. I think you acted correctly by distancing yourself and stick to it. There is no reason for you to respond to her because she is not reaching out to you as your friend. As for the threats....what kind of a friend does that? I'd ignore her and if she does act out, as said above, handle it IF it comes up. I doubt it will unless she is completely nuts. It sounds more like her and your ex knowing how to push your buttons.

[nutbrownhare]

Was she joking when she said she'd be stalking you etc? That this was her way of letting you know she really wants to hear from you?

 

It can be very difficult for mutual friends when couples split up, how to get the balancing act right between maintaining contact with someone you like and care about, and upsetting one partner or other by maintaining the friendship with the other person. In fact, it's one of those scenarios which you're almost certain to get wrong. So I'd view her contact in that light.

 

If I were you I'd respond to the email in a pleasant, chatty way which gives nothing away about anything which is important to you. What is it that makes you so certain that it's your ex 'speaking' in the first place?

[lavenderdove]

I think it is time to cut her loose permanently, as you did your ex. She sounds like a pushy busybody and you don't need people like that in your life...

 

What you need to do with people like this is send them one clear and firm message in email, as in: "Please respect my wishes. As we discussed previously, I am not interested in maintaining any connections with my ex, and you have chosen to continue your close friendship with my ex, so I think it is best if we just cut off this friendship and move on. I wish you well, but please do not contact me again or harass me or my family members or work."

 

Then go about your business. Do not answer any email or texts from her, and if she does show up, do not engage and walk away and tell her that if she doesn't move on and let you be, you'll contact the authorities. No one should have bullies in their lives who don't respect your privacy and right to choose who you will and won't talk to. Don't let her bully you.

 

btw, there is nothing wrong with forcing her to choose! People get divorced and break up all the time, and the friends usually get split up in the same way the couple does. So your friends do have to make a choice, and if they choose your ex, then you don't keep them as friends and you know where their loyalties lie, and those loyalties are NOT with you. There are some very respectful people you can trust to not talk about you to the ex and hence could keep both of you as friends, but if you think she is 'best friends' with your ex, then she's not an appropriate friend for you because she will spill all to your ex. The world is full of people for you to be friends with, and it doesn't have to be her just because she wants to bully her way into your life and spy on your for your ex!

[jonyyy]

What strikes me the most is that the tone of her email is almost like she is offended by me not talking to her over these last couple of months.

 

I did a draft replay more or less like this:

 

I told you I would be away for some time, for you not to worry. And no I'm not in a purgatory, isolated from the world like you are saying. I'm focusing and reinventing myself. My old self didnt take me anywhere and made me trust in the most coward and hypocrite person around. You knowing what she did and still being friends with her made me unconfortable so I need to be away for some time. If you really care for me you'll respect my decision and be ok with it.

 

But after reading the replies in this thread, yeah I think she's not that good of a friend, at least she doesn't have the same core values that I do. It's so frustrating, she's a great girl and we've been great friends for many years and now I have to cut her because of this atitude from her Yet another disapointment. My God I've surrounded myself with all the wrong people during all my life.

 

Was she joking when she said she'd be stalking you etc? That this was her way of letting you know she really wants to hear from you?

 

It can be very difficult for mutual friends when couples split up, how to get the balancing act right between maintaining contact with someone you like and care about, and upsetting one partner or other by maintaining the friendship with the other person. In fact, it's one of those scenarios which you're almost certain to get wrong. So I'd view her contact in that light.

 

If I were you I'd respond to the email in a pleasant, chatty way which gives nothing away about anything which is important to you. What is it that makes you so certain that it's your ex 'speaking' in the first place?

 

I think she'll probably stop by home or former job asking for me. Not like stalking hardcore but just to know whats going on.

 

She asks me something about the new year's celebration that only my ex would know.

[jonyyy]

So I replied to her with what I wrote in my post and she sent me another long email which boils down to this:

 

A person is not just one attitude (the cheating and dumping), it's a set of attitudes, and it's in this regard that I'm friends with her (my Ex).

 

So what to do? Just cut her too, right? I don't think I can't cope with the way she thinks.

[AutumnBorn]

So I replied to her with what I wrote in my post and she sent me another long email which boils down to this:

 

A person is not just one attitude (the cheating and dumping), it's a set of attitudes, and it's in this regard that I'm friends with her (my Ex).

 

So what to do? Just cut her too, right? I don't think I can't cope with the way she thinks.

 

 

Maybe you need to just say, "yeah, I agree. I hope you're well, and I'll be in touch with you when I'm feeling up to it. Take care." No discussion, no defensiveness, no debate - just a simple, straightforward response.

 

Your friend is right, you know. She's not condoning what your ex did by continuing to be her friend. We don't have to let go of every person in our lives who do something we don't agree with. And you don't have to be in touch with her until you want to. That's something she's going to have to face.

[jonyyy]

Maybe you need to just say, "yeah, I agree. I hope you're well, and I'll be in touch with you when I'm feeling up to it. Take care." No discussion, no defensiveness, no debate - just a simple, straightforward response.

 

Your friend is right, you know. She's not condoning what your ex did by continuing to be her friend. We don't have to let go of every person in our lives who do something we don't agree with. And you don't have to be in touch with her until you want to. That's something she's going to have to face.

 

I guess that varies from person to person. For instance I had a childhood friend who treated girls like trash when he started dating. He had the opinion that women are just tools to have fun with, if you take things serious you'll get hurt. So he treated his girlfriends like trash, cheated them etc. I walked away from him when I realised he consciously hurt his girlfriends and I didn't even knew the girls.

 

Personally I'm not confortable being friends with someone who hurts and does horrible things to other friends of mine. IMO this is being hypocrite. But to each its own.

 

I replied this:

 

"Well IMO in R/S world when two people break up due to one of them doing terrible acts, you can't be Switzerland. You're right, people are their attitudes and people change. She might say she's terrible sorry and disapointed with herself etc but those are words, not attitudes/actions. I can't trust or be friends with someone who knows some of the horrible things she did to me and still kept the friendship with her.

 

If you can be friends with someone who has attitudes against your own principles/values and those attitudes have tremendously hurt someone you care for, it's up to you. I respect you but I disagree with that way of thinking. Maybe one day I'll be ok with that who knows. Until then please do not contact me further."