Feeling really hurt and disappointed :(

[rebellefleur]

I met a guy at work (i know, i know, i know) and things started out okay. I didn't even really see him in a romantic light, but the first time we spoke on the phone we had such a long conversation, i felt as if i had known him forever. We even talked about personal things and he just seemed really down to earth. We texted for awhile, would talk casually, flirt, etc- and then out of nowhere he just stopped texting me and disappeared for about two weeks. Didn't see him, speak to him, nothing. I was kind of hurt and bugged over it but i'm used to this type of stuff.

 

Then, two wednesdays ago, he comes down to my floor at work and talks to me simply. He then texted me later and told me he sensed an "F U" vibe from me and i just explained that i was kind of peeved that he just disappeared without an explanation. He then got into this thing about how one day he almost anonymously sent me flowers and it freaked him out bc he realized that he cared about someone else so he pulled away. The next day we had to work a concert event together and i was up front with him, that i really liked him as a person and i loved talking to him but i wasn't looking for a hit and quit it type thing where a few of his friends and my coworkers warned me he isn't the "settle down type" but he wanted to prove differently. That weekend we spent an awesome night together. We went out with a few coworkers, had fun, as we were leaving the bar to go to another club he grabbed my hand and held it and was really sweet all night. I ended up staying the night and sleeping with him (again, i know.) Things were really nice though, he was kind afterwards and the next day and very kiss-y and cuddle-y. That saturday we spent the night together again but i didn't sleep with him bc i didn't want it to become habit, so we just hung out and cooked dinner, it was cool.

 

That sunday was the week of christmas, so he drove home to detroit for the week and while he was there he hardly talked to me at all. One day i texted him to see how his day was and he just flat out ignored me, but would post on twitter/instagram etc so he was on his phone. On christmas, he didn't even wish me a merry christmas, i waited half the day to see if he would say anything but nothing. We had very little conversation. So on thursday he came back to philly. I was worried he was disappearing again so i sent him a text and was very up front. I said "hey so i feel like you're disappearing a little on me again and i just want to make sure we're on the same page! i could just be overthinking it, i tend to do that a lot! but i do really like you!" and at that point he just flipped on me and told me how he "doesn't need this" and that he doesn't think we click, that we're fighting already and it's supposed to be nice in the beginning. He then said that he felt like i judged him (one example was because i commented on how his apt smells like weed bc he smokes all the time) and that i didn't even like him, that i didn't even try to like kiss him after sex or anything. I explained and warned him before that i have walls up and to not take it personally. He THEN went into a thing about his ex girlfriend (broke up 6 mos ago bc she cheated) and how she always judged him and made him be something he's not. This just upset me too because i felt like he completely was projecting her onto me. I always assured him that i liked him and liked who he was. He then just told me he wanted to stop this and just be friends and that we didn't click and i was stuck standing there like i had just been punched in the face. I am just so hurt, i felt like he really liked me by the way he acted that weekend, how he would tell me he was comfortable with me, and then he disappears and freaks on me when i try to talk to him.

[chr8st8na]

Havent you posted this already? Any way, you shouldnt have text him about him 'disappearing' on you. He doesn't owe you anything because you guys are not exclusive. You gotta start putting your emotions in check or they are going to make you very 'needy' with guys u like but only want 2 things fm you (sex and attention).

[ParisPaulette]

I'm sorry you had to go through this. Unfortunately you didn't recognize this guy to be one of those hot and cold types. And yes, they will play you up, then knock you down. Then when they show back up with no explanation and sense you aren't going to trust them quite so easily they pull the "I got scared of my feelings for you" card out. Which until you've been tangled with one of these guys seems kind of endearing and a bit flattering, you actually move someone so much they're overwhelmed with feelings for you. It isn't until later that you stop and think, "Wait, so do you run away any time anything good happens in your life," and "Normal, emotionally healthy people spend their time running towards things that make them feel good, me included, so the fact that you don't means something is wrong...with you." This applies to both men and women who play the hot and cold game.

 

Learn to spot that right away for what it is, a con job. He knew very well what he was doing and quite likely he either a) has someone else on the line and is running back and forth between you two if he doesn't have a woman somewhere else who is his long-term girlfriend or b) he does the hot and cold thing to basically manipulate you into accepting his behavior so that later on when he wants to disappear for whatever reason, another woman, boredom, he has to be accountable for his behaviors, he wants to go with the boys to a strip club yadda-yadda-yadda he is reassured that you won't raise the issue of his disappearing for fear he will fly off the handle at you and make you feel bad and guilty. But you never get an explanation for why he up and disappeared on you once and was getting set to do it again now did he? And you won't.

 

 

Don't look for any logic in this guy's actions because there aren't really any. He is impulsive and follows whatever sparks his interest at the moment at best, manipulative and a closet emotional abuser/player/narcissistic personality/other undesirable relationship material at worst. As this article states better than I can there simply is no reason to continue anything with someone who blows hot and cold and yeah, that's what this guy is doing. link removed

 

I've been there, got the t-shirt and I met my ex at work like you. He did the exact same things and he continued it for six years until I ended the relationship, such as it was. He still tries to contact me periodically three years later intent on keeping the hot/cold game going, but I refuse to play it now. A good rule of thumb is if you wouldn't do it to someone you're romantically interested in then don't ever accept it when someone else does it to you.

[SooSad33]

I feel he is not ready for you or anyone else at the moment, seeing how he's bringing up the past- damages of his ex. Obviously he's still not over her OR dealt with what occurred between them.

His hot/cold tude is also as a result. He is NOT ready to move on comfortably into another relation any time soon.

 

For the better for you anyways.. best leave all alone and respect him with distance. NO more contact nothing, other than work. (Yes, sadly it had to occur within your work)...

[Ms Darcy]

Different day, different guy, same situation.

 

I don't know why you do not seem to learn from similar experiences. And it is clear you know you did the wrong stuff.

 

I think you should consider seeing a therapist.

[Komal]

u did nothing wrong. if he cared for u he would say some valid reason what is going on instead of start a fight.

 

next time, make sure the guy commits to u before u get so emotionally involved that u have to check on them with a text.

[browneyedgirl36]

and then out of nowhere he just stopped texting me and disappeared for about two weeks. Didn't see him, speak to him, nothing. I was kind of hurt and bugged over it but i'm used to this type of stuff

 

This, that I quoted above, is the crux of the problem: This guy disappeared on you for two weeks, made very lame excuses for doing so, and you gave him another chance. You jumped into things (sex, in particular) rather quickly with him (after he disappeared on you), and then became really attached to him after the sex (understandable -- it happens to a lot of us) when he wasn't nearly as attached to you, hence his knee-jerk reaction when you poured out your feelings about wanting to be on the "same page" in that text you sent him. You weren't on the same page, and he felt crowded/pressured by that text. This isn't your fault -- clearly he has no problem sleeping with someone and not having it mean anything significant. However, you have a responsibility to yourself to 1) See the red flags and not dismiss them; 2) Not give additional chances to someone whose past behavior has been questionable; 3) Treat yourself with care and respect -- having healthy boundaries and keeping them; 4) Not rush intimacy thinking it will secure a relationship; 5) Not get attached to someone so quickly; and 6) Recognize patterns in your relationships and relationship behaviors so that you can stop repeating the same patterns over and over.

 

This guy disappeared for two weeks because, while he may have liked you, ultimately he wasn't interested enough to make a concerted effort. All this stuff about being freaked out by his feelings? B.S. People are freaked out by their feelings all the time, but if something or someone is worth it to them, they'll push through that fear. It was just a convenient line he fed you so that he wouldn't look like a creep.

 

Anyway, I agree that therapy is a good idea -- to talk out your patterns in relationships (like the ordeal with your last ex, who treated you horribly but you kept going back for more) so that you can get out of those patterns and find a healthy relationship when you're ready.

 

Edited to add: The last part of the quote I included above is very telling: That you're "used to this kind of stuff" is not a good sign. Being treated like you don't matter to someone isn't normal by any means, and it's not something you should get "used to" or come to expect. You need to work on valuing yourself more so that others -- men in particular -- will see that you are not someone who will accept shoddy treatment.

[rebellefleur]

Thank you all for your advice on the issue. Especially Paulette & browneyedgirl- you both gave really great, helpful, hard hitting advice. I definitely do see a pattern in the type of guys i am drawn to and there has to be a reason for that, i'm assuming. I just can't figure out why. I tend to dismiss a lot of red flags because i want to believe in people and give them a chance when i suppose i should learn to be more strict with things so my heart isn't in jeopardy every time. It just really sucks how it always happens and then that person makes it seem like it was me- that we didn't click or i did this or that- and then i'm left slightly more cracked (and confused) than before.

 

Thanks all- you've been really great. It's honestly hard to break the pattern and it's not like these guys have giant warnings stamped on their foreheads, but i guess that's where therapy comes into play.

[Ms Darcy]

I have been hearing that a lot ... "I dismiss red flags because I am such a good person I think the best of people."

 

I think the truth is quite the opposite. I think you know what it means when a man disappears. And with his reentry you became desperate and hopeful. Hopeful to hook him with a fun time and sex. Disappointed that what you had to offer could not hook him.

 

No you don't make the same mistakes because you are naive. I think it is because you are cynical and do not have the confidence to believe that taking it slow and not sleeping with with a guy before a commitment is the best way to find the lasting connection you so want.

[rebellefleur]

I have been hearing that a lot ... "I dismiss red flags because I am such a good person I think the best of people."

 

I think the truth is quite the opposite. I think you know what it means when a man disappears. And with his reentry you became desperate and hopeful. Hopeful to hook him with a fun time and sex. Disappointed that what you had to offer could not hook him.

 

No you don't make the same mistakes because you are naive. I think it is because you are cynical and do not have the confidence to believe that taking it slow and not sleeping with with a guy before a commitment is the best way to find the lasting connection you so want.

 

 

I can agree with parts of this. There is definitely a sense of disappointment when i can't hook him, but it's disappointment on me personally- that my personality/me as a person couldn't hook him- not the sex.

[browneyedgirl36]

I can agree with parts of this. There is definitely a sense of disappointment when i can't hook him, but it's disappointment on me personally- that my personality/me as a person couldn't hook him- not the sex.

 

Ok, so here's a one key to why you keep getting into the same situation over and over: You feel unworthy -- even if you don't realize it consciously. You tell yourself, "If he could only SEE how great I am, he'd want to be with me!" hence getting really attached, being overly attentive to a guy right away, having sex too soon, etc. The thing is, you shouldn't have to try so hard to prove your worthiness to others. You should just be able to BE, and that should be enough. If it isn't, then it isn't the right person. The fact that you feel that you aren't "enough" to "hook" someone -- that's about your feelings of unworthiness.

 

I've been there. It's how I got completely messed up over my last ex. I twisted myself into all sorts of pretzels to "win him over" and ultimately, none of it was "good enough." The truth is, he has trouble maintaining any healthy relationship in his life -- even with colleagues and family -- BUT...I was equally -- if not more so -- to blame for my own suffering because I latched on to a guy whose approval I had to try to "win" instead of finding someone who would accept me just for me without me having to knock myself silly to "hook" him. It took me awhile to figure it out, but after much soul searching I realized it's what I've been doing my whole life -- feeling "not good enough" and thinking I had to win people over -- that if I was just "good enough" that people would love me. It took me a long time to realize that I was just setting myself up for frustration and disappointment. The thing is, I have LOTS of people in my life who love me just for me -- I don't have to try to "make" them love me -- and it should be the same with a man.

 

I really think therapy would help you -- really talking it out with someone and trying to get to the root of your choices and learning to make better ones.

[ParisPaulette]

I tend to dismiss a lot of red flags because i want to believe in people and give them a chance when i suppose i should learn to be more strict with things so my heart isn't in jeopardy every time. It just really sucks how it always happens and then that person makes it seem like it was me- that we didn't click or i did this or that- and then i'm left slightly more cracked (and confused) than before.

 

This is the crux of the matter and I too have been that girl. The problem in part is we aren't taught to be thinkers when it comes to love and attraction, we're taught to leap because of emotion. Unfortunately that leaves us wide open to the worst in humanity sometimes. I've learned that yes, few people are going to get my seal of approval. Many acquaintances that I exchange pleasantries with I will do fine with, but when it comes to letting people into your life who are closer to you I say be picky, very picky. By that I mean learn what are red flags and be ruthless about applying them. Learn to draw your own boundaries about what you find acceptable before you ever start dating or going out to make friends and the moment someone trips into one of those boundaries and doesn't immediately show remorse and good manners and grace at fixing them, bounce them. Yes, you will say goodbye quite regretfully to a man or two, yes you'll get the tearful "you're a b***h" speech from a new "friend" who wants to borrow your most treasured possession after she's trashed hers when you say no then stop taking her calls.

 

The good news is you'll stop finding toxic people in your life who trash you in return. I'm sorry, but that really is the best advice I can give you. That and I know I'm gonna be labeled the Ms. Manners of enotalone, but good manners really mean and say alot about a person's character. They guy who thanks the waitress on your date, who brings you a cup of coffee without even asking, the girl friend who shows up with an extra ticket to a movie after she broke up with her BF and needs someone to share a good time with, the neighbor who lays roses on your doorstep as a thanks for you hauling their car out of a ditch--those people are golden. Keep them in your life and cherish them whether they are friends or become something more.

 

That's who you want. Anyone else can go toss in the wind for all I care although yes I will and do help that stranger too. Just not necessarily becoming fast friends with them until I know they're cool too. You are worth it and you have to adopt that position and tell yourself that every single day until you believe it. Affirmations really do kind of work that way and I'm the last one who once would have said that. So you had a bit of fun with a guy who wasn't worth it, dust yourself off, rejoice that you've still got and move forward ala Diane Lane in "Under the Tuscan Sun". You'll be fine.

[chr8st8na]

Very good points... also this unworthiness feeling can mess with your head if you actually find someone who wants to be in a relationship even tho u know u dont really like him or can ever be 'in' love him. You think your unworthy and you stay with this person not truly knowing if you are leading them on because for the sake of having a relationship or in hope that u can fall in love with them. Either way, its still a game and if you are like me, you start acting uninterested and may even have bouts of anger at yourself but take it out on the guy just to give yourself an excuse to get out.

 

You really need to adopt a more rational thinking when it comes to relationships... dont let your emotions take hold of you when your dating or seeing someone even tho i know its hard. Know your boundaries, let them know your boundaries if they need to be told, and respect your boundaries. Don't put a guy you are seeing or dating on a pedestral ever... most guys will never do that to a lady they are seeing or dating. Just say hey, when he starts treating me like an invaluable person more than an object, ill put him on a pedestal. Dont settle because you feel you are not good enough. When you think about it, you are good enough. There are just a lot of emotionally immature guys out there.