For those whose first relationship was long and intense

[John John]

I haven't posted anything like this in a while...but here goes...

 

It's been over a year (and 11 months NC) since my ex of 5 years left me. We lived together for 3 of those years, and had pets together...so in some ways, it almost felt like a divorce. She was my first serious gf, from when I was 23 to when I was 28. I had other opportunities, but due to me being picky and just not wanting a gf in college, I never had anything serious until her.

 

I'm not sure if it's the fact that it's Christmas or also the fact that we started dating around the holidays (December 15th would've been our 6 year anniversary)...but she's been very much in my mind the last few days. I had a dream about her the night of December 15th, the first I've had of her in a while...and during the day, I didn't even realize that it was our "anniversary." And December 21st will be one year that the cat we had together suddenly died...it's just a weird time of year...I used to love the holidays too. I hope I will again someday.

 

Cognitively, I KNOW she was not right for me. My family and friends all felt that (at least towards the end), I was more into the relationship than she was. At Thanksgiving this year, a distant family member who only met her once said "I didn't like her because I felt she didn't have your back." And clearly, she was right. And my ex wasn't family oriented or a loyal person the way that I am...so for these reasons, I know we would never work and she would've broken my heart regardless. And yet...I still find myself missing her and thinking about our time together...our dates, trips, moving into the apartment I still live at, how the kitten I recently adopted looks like the one we had together (this was purely an accident, not intentional)...

 

Someone once told me that part of the reason the first cut is the deepest is because, since we have nothing else to compare it to...we remember EVERYTHING. And it makes it all seem more special, even though the first date (for example) with your future spouse is just as special. So while my brain has caught on to the fact that we were not right together...I guess I'm still having a somewhat of a hard time shaking these fond memories. But then again, maybe it's just the time of the year that's making it extra difficult.

 

I'm doing a lot better, and I feel that I've done all that I actively can in order to move on. I guess my question is...if any of you had a really long and intense first relationship...did you feel similarly? Maybe it's not that I miss her so much, since I'm well aware of her many shortcomings...but that I miss having that kind of a connection with someone...

[mhowe]

Your last sentence was the kernel of truth.

 

It isn't so much her you miss, as being in a relationship. And you remember all the good parts of being in a relationship, and not the crap. And even the crap,

there is something to be said not going home to an empty house.

 

So --- look forward to the future and cherish the present. Come a day when you will long for the quiet, empty house!!

 

And happy holidays!

[John John]

Your last sentence was the kernel of truth.

 

It isn't so much her you miss, as being in a relationship. And you remember all the good parts of being in a relationship, and not the crap. And even the crap,

there is something to be said not going home to an empty house.

 

So --- look forward to the future and cherish the present. Come a day when you will long for the quiet, empty house!!

 

And happy holidays!

 

 

I think what you said is spot on. Even though I do remember her shortcomings and the sh#%t she put me through...there is something to be said to not have to go home to an empty house (I have a roommate now, but it's not the same as coming home to my ex, even when I was pissed at her).

 

Thanks for what you said, and happy hoildays to you too!

[journeynow]

Yes, I felt similarly. Certain times of year are, or were, triggers, especially Valentine's Day, when we were first official, and our wedding anniversary. Right off I realized I needed a new celebration for those days, so I always plan a special something I enjoy. A trip, an event with friends, bodywork/massage, something that will feel great and circumvent reminiscing the good things missed.

 

Even though we know the shortcomings and flaws and reasons not to be together, we still have a connection to what we valued, because values are part of who we are. Note those qualities, activities, etc. that you value, give yourself for having them, and understand you will build on those in the future, and the things that didn't work are really about other values that are important and you'll want to build on those in the future, too. It's all a learning process, and everything is an experiment.

[journeynow]

By the way, this is the first year I didn't think I need to plan anything special around our anniversary date, since I'm over it (right?). In retrospect I was out of sorts for a week or more around the date and it inadvertently affected my interactions with some individuals. The out-of-sorts feeling felt so odd that I mentioned it to a friend, who made the connection for me with a light-hearted comment that transformed it into laughter. So, yes, your head can think one thing, but it helps to be aware that there is a deeper experience that might just need attention now and then to steer it in a new direction.

[John John]

Thanks journeynow. That's an interesting experience that you shared in your second post, and one that I can certainly relate to. I've been thinking that I'm ok and over things...and yet, this past week has been hard. And at first, I didn't even realize why...until I had that dream and it dawned on me that it had been our "anniversary" that day. I suppose there is a deeper experience like you say. Good to know I'm not the only one who felt like this.

[hrdcore1337]

My first relationship ended recently and I completely feel you man.

 

She and I had the connection I NEVER had with anyone else, she was my first everything (lover, best friend, date, kiss, holding hands, etc).

 

She lives 3 minutes away and yet, she's so far away.

 

I recently went no contact to try to heal, but your first will always be your first, I'll remember her forever.

[kinders]

Thanks for your post. Got me thinking a lot.

 

Me and my ex first met at highschool, together for 8 years, lived together for 7years. He left me 4months ago for an older woman (who also had a partner...and a child!) who he met at work. I didn't see it coming, it happened so fast. I was an emotional wreck, still am in many ways. I didn't eat for a week, taken to hospital, put on anti-depressants....took an O.D, saw a counsellor. I've never experienced heartbreak before, he was my first boyfriend and I assumed he was going to be my life partner.

 

Our "anniversary" is coming up soon in a few days. I will be at home with my family so I plan on distracting myself as much as possible. We've been in NC for over a month now and its helping I think. It will be strange not having him around for the holidays. I will miss his family the most though. He can't even go home to see them for the holidays because he can't handle it apparently. They are all pretty pissed off for what he did.

 

I agree, the first cut is the deepest. I look forward to the future, finding someone better for me. The idea of falling in love again is scary but exciting at the same time. I do miss being a relationship, especially during the holidays. But I suppose its time I actually experience what being single feels like. Unlike him who has jumped ship...I hope one day he gets to experience the loneliness too.

[John John]

My first relationship ended recently and I completely feel you man.

 

She and I had the connection I NEVER had with anyone else, she was my first everything (lover, best friend, date, kiss, holding hands, etc).

 

She lives 3 minutes away and yet, she's so far away.

 

I recently went no contact to try to heal, but your first will always be your first, I'll remember her forever.

 

Sorry about your breakup man. Funny...my ex lives one train stop away from me. The weird thing to me (still) is how we went from being best friends to total strangers. Sometimes I wish I could just erase her from my memory as if we never met. It's been a year, and I understand my reality...but it's still weird to me in some ways.

 

Thanks for your post. Got me thinking a lot.

 

Me and my ex first met at highschool, together for 8 years, lived together for 7years. He left me 4months ago for an older woman (who also had a partner...and a child!) who he met at work. I didn't see it coming, it happened so fast. I was an emotional wreck, still am in many ways. I didn't eat for a week, taken to hospital, put on anti-depressants....took an O.D, saw a counsellor. I've never experienced heartbreak before, he was my first boyfriend and I assumed he was going to be my life partner.

 

Our "anniversary" is coming up soon in a few days. I will be at home with my family so I plan on distracting myself as much as possible. We've been in NC for over a month now and its helping I think. It will be strange not having him around for the holidays. I will miss his family the most though. He can't even go home to see them for the holidays because he can't handle it apparently. They are all pretty pissed off for what he did.

 

I agree, the first cut is the deepest. I look forward to the future, finding someone better for me. The idea of falling in love again is scary but exciting at the same time. I do miss being a relationship, especially during the holidays. But I suppose its time I actually experience what being single feels like. Unlike him who has jumped ship...I hope one day he gets to experience the loneliness too.

 

Kinders - I am very sorry for what you are going through. You know just as well as I do, the first cut is by far the deepest. Your best best is to stick with NC...it's been the only thing that has made this horrible experience survivable for me. I know if I were still in any kind of contact with her, I wouldn't be as better as I am now.

 

As far as still thinking about her during this time of the year...I think what makes it worse (for me) is that I'm extremely sentimental, a hopeless romantic, and very loyal. I know we had our problems and I know now she wasn't right for me...but I was loyal to the point where I was willing to make it work. I only hope the next woman I meet is like that.

[sophi3]

As far as still thinking about her during this time of the year...I think what makes it worse (for me) is that I'm extremely sentimental, a hopeless romantic, and very loyal.

 

glad i met people here who feel the same way. some of my relatives and family dont understand that it's not easy to move on and think positive thoughts, especially when it was my first relationship and i was so sure that we would eventually get married and have kids and grow old together. will i find the same level of connection with anyone? i dont know, it just feels so special.

[Eideaux]

I'm kind of in the same boat as you. I recently divorced my wife in October (caught her cheating on me) and although I do not regret divorcing I can't help but miss her from time to time (lately most of the time right now because of the holidays).

 

I know I have triggers that set it off too (maybe you have the same):

 

1. Driving home - I think that just 5 months ago she was home waiting for me and excited to see me when I got home from work

- Funny thing is no matter what route I take to this house it always kills me.

2. Thinking about our dogs and missing their companionship triggers me missing her companionship

3. Anytime I walk into the house and it's empty makes me feel like there's no life in that house anymore (I recently moved out to sell it) and it always makes me sad.

4. Since we've been together for 6 years there's really no place that I haven't taken her and it's difficult trying to escape the thought of her in these places.

5. Sometimes being alone makes me miss her and sometimes its refreshing.

 

This woman was everything to me. Don't get me wrong she wasn't my first girlfriend but she was the first girl that I fell head over heals for. She was my longest relationship and the first girl I brought home to introduce to my parents. I know that I made the right decision with the divorce and I would never take her back (she has a laundry list of short comings too). So a lot like you I know I deserve better.

 

I want to commend you on something. Not once in your posts have I seen you talk about meeting someone else. It's refreshing to know that you're not one of those people who get into a relationship to get over one. I've never believed in that.

 

One thing I can tell you is that it helps to keep yourself busy and be in the company of your friends (coupled or not). Try and make new friends too because getting to know new people can be refreshing. Who knows maybe somewhere down the road a new friend or a friend of a new friend could be your soulmate.

 

That always cheers me up.

[testcase]

Things do get better with time. I just honestly believe different people deal with these things differently. I came to this board years ago when my ex of 6 years left me. It took me at least 2 years after that to start dating again and having fun. Sure I've had relationships since then... but unfortunately I haven't fallen for someone quite the way I fell for my first love. I'm not sure when it'll happen again... but I truly believe that's just an issue with me.

 

Of course your first real long relationship will stick with you. I think a lot of us were young then and didn't have so many worries / apprehensions. There weren't as many pressures when the relationships started as I'm sure there were when it ended. I guess that's why people grow apart. Still there's someone out there for everyone.... when you're ready you'll find them!

[LoveSoDeep]

I was thinking about this the other day. My first real lasting relationship was in college. We were together over 2 years...which wasn't that long looking back on it but it seemed forever at the time. It ended so badly that it was easy to not look back. I found out that he had lied to me and everyone I knew about his age for the entire 2 years we were together and to top it all off my grandmother died a few days later. The lies came out when my father offered to pay to fly him to a family wedding which was 5 days after the funeral and I had to go through that whole trip with a broken heart....but I still missed him.

 

The connection I think I will always feel was with my ex that brought me here...we were together for 3 years then were off and on for another year. It's been 3 years since all that ended. He was my best friend. I cherished that more than anything and we tried to remain friends but his new gf (who he left me for and who is 11 years younger than us both and a completely irresponsible mess) is too jealous of me to let him be a part of my life even though it's clear he wants to be. For a while he contacted me regualrly and we even had friendly dinners...but that was way too much for his new gf. Now he still contacts me occasionally(once he even dug up my number from an old cell phone he hid in a drawer at work!)... he asks about my dog and my family...just like an old friend...then she finds my number in his phone (I'm convinced she prank calls me for weeks after each time) deletes it and I'm sure a fight ensues. I do miss him as a person...and I miss the connection we had just that feeling of not being able to say his voice with out a smile making it's way to my lips. It was his birthday last week so I texted him a birthday wish and we ended up texting all day...friendly chit chat about family and jobs.....I miss that the most. Not that I don't have it with other people in my life but with him it was different....deeper and more meaningful. Holidays and anniversaries are always the hardest in any loss. Keep busy...get out there and make some new friends....that's what I'm going to do.

[John John]

Wow man...I'm sorry to hear what your ex-wife did to you. That's horrible. It's great to hear that you have the strength to not only end the marriage but stick to your guns and know that you deserve better. But still, I know it doesn't make it any easier...I've been there. Even after all my ex put me through and despite clearly seeing all her shortcomings, it's still hard sometimes.

 

Thanks for what you said...but honestly, I think I'm at least partially guilty of trying to find a new relationship to get over her. I know now that it doesn't work that way...but that was where I was earlier this year. Now I'm at the point where I feel like I'm healed as much as I'm going to be, and the remaning memories/loneliness won't go away until I'm with someone else.

 

 

 

 

 

Sorry to hear about your breakup man. 6 years is a long time...one year longer than my relationship with my ex! Yeah...it's hard to believe I'll ever feel as strongly about anyone ever again. But I think my problem is that I just don't have anyone else to compare her to. And the holidays have made it extra hard for various reasons: we started dating around the holidays, used to decorate the apartment together, go into the city together...and just the holidays in general and knowing everyone else is with someone makes it sucky.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks LSD Geez...I'm sorry to hear what you went through, I didn't know your whole story until now. It's nice to hear that you and your ex have at least remained friendly, even though his current gf has gotten in the way. I'm not sure I could just be friends with my ex...I don't think I could or will ever fully forgive her for what she did to me, especially in the way that she did it.

 

I agree about getting out there and making new friends...see you next week!

[Nivram]

Yeah, my ex and I were together for over 3 years, and we were best friends for a year before that. She was my first and boy did she leave an impact on me. I guess it's mainly because we don't have other experiences to compare it to, having spent a large portion of our time with just one person. It's gonna take awhile to completely move on from this, but I believe we all will.

 

I guess a good way will be to build new memories with new people, so that the old memories you had with her won't be the only ones prominent in your mind. Down the road you'd just think of her as a chapter in your life that you had to close for a new chapter to begin after. I'm still in the process of moving on 9 months post break up, and December used to be something we really enjoyed together. We got together the night after christmas so the past years were all spent together as an anniversary.

 

You don't necessarily have to find someone else to get over your ex, all you have to do is live your life to the fullest. That special day you had all those years ago is not just any other day, so don't sit at home and beat yourself up for it. Go out and have some fun, and who knows, a new and more pleasant memory might take that place! Stay strong

[LoveSoDeep]

Thanks LSD Geez...I'm sorry to hear what you went through, I didn't know your whole story until now. It's nice to hear that you and your ex have at least remained friendly, even though his current gf has gotten in the way. I'm not sure I could just be friends with my ex...I don't think I could or will ever fully forgive her for what she did to me, especially in the way that she did it.

 

I agree about getting out there and making new friends...see you next week!

 

I appreciate your empathy, but believe me when I say I am not sorry it happened to me anymore. Everything happens for a reason and it wasn't all pleasant but I wouldn't be who I am without every experience...good and bad that these people brought to my life. I wouldn't give up the good for anything and although it wasn't fun the bad is just as important. Someday you will be able to forgive her...usually that takes time but I'm sure with time no matter what she did you'll be able to work past it. Remaining friends or even pleasant doesn't work for everyone...it didn't work for most of my exes. But hey she's only one person in Millions....you have so many other possibilities as long as you're not wasting time with bitterness and hate (and it doesn't seem like you are) you're doing just fine.

 

Yeah, my ex and I were together for over 3 years, and we were best friends for a year before that. She was my first and boy did she leave an impact on me. I guess it's mainly because we don't have other experiences to compare it to, having spent a large portion of our time with just one person. It's gonna take awhile to completely move on from this, but I believe we all will.

 

I guess a good way will be to build new memories with new people, so that the old memories you had with her won't be the only ones prominent in your mind. Down the road you'd just think of her as a chapter in your life that you had to close for a new chapter to begin after. I'm still in the process of moving on 9 months post break up, and December used to be something we really enjoyed together. We got together the night after christmas so the past years were all spent together as an anniversary.

 

You don't necessarily have to find someone else to get over your ex, all you have to do is live your life to the fullest. That special day you had all those years ago is not just any other day, so don't sit at home and beat yourself up for it. Go out and have some fun, and who knows, a new and more pleasant memory might take that place! Stay strong

 

You know I don't think anyone ever replaces memories of exes....even if you make new memories with new people they will still be there making you who you are. So go and cherish them all the good the bad and even the ugly they make you who you are so really it's just another step in loving yourself.