kinders

Day 6 (kinda) He called me yesterday but I missed it, tried calling him back, no reply. Left a text asking him what was up, he didn't reply. Strange one. Usually I would call and call and see what he wanted. But I'm trying not to be so desperate. That wouldn't be nice for either of us. I miss him. So many exciting things are happening at the moment, I wish I could share them with him. I hope he's ok...

Day 4 Had a busy day today. Achieved a lot. Something important happened to me today, I thought I would text him about it, but I didn't! Proud of myself for not doing it. I hope he is ok, I do miss him.

Day 3. Feeling confused. I don't like how we went into NC. Im proud of myself for deactivating FB. Its helped. Tomorrow is an exciting day for me and I was planning on sending you a photo but now iim unsure. Ive been at day 3 of nc before and it hurts. Ive got to keep myself distracted...

Finally hit me. 2months after our break up. I can't be friends anymore. The story: Day 1 it is...

Do you miss me?

Day 3 Took my antidepressant last night and quickly managed to sleep. Dunno how tonight will turn out as I'm pretty wide awake and its late already. Woke up early and thought of him, like every morning. One morning I just want to wake up without that sinking feeling in my tummy. Had a full day of uni today which kept my mind occupied. Met some nice girls who have been through breakups too. We only chatted for 15minutes but I felt like they helped a lot. It was nice seeing other people on my course and getting to know them today. My usual group didn't have to come in today. During the first break I felt completely lost, the university was sooo busy and lately I haven't been able to cope with crowds. I felt trapped. I just wanted to text him. My phone felt like it was burning in my pocket. I was going to stay at uni for an extra hour once we had finished to catch up on some work but I didn't feel in the mood. I came home and watched "Forgetting Sarah Marshall". It was a great "break up" movie. Then I uploaded some of my holiday photos on to fb (some of them had him in them)...made me sad that only a month ago I was that happy girl in the photos...Then I decided to clean out my emails, I had loadsss. Saw lots from him with "I love you" messages. DELETE. Kinda bummed me out. Still feeling a bit down. I've left one message from him, its an e card of his family doing silly dances. I still love his family and they are best friends with my family so I'm going to send it to his mum around xmas time. So. Where am I at right now? Sad, lonely, regretful, confused, betrayed. Not the feelings I want to feel when I'm just about to try and sleep. I'm off uni tomorrow so Its not a huge deal if I get to sleep quite late. Bring on day 4!

Day 2 What a night. I had decided to try and not take an antidepressant to see if I could sleep without one. I was awake until 4am. I started having strong suicidal thoughts and took one. I thought I was over those thoughts... Woke up around 10am and lay in bed thinking about the bad night. My sister invited me out to the pub which was very busy due to a football game. I don't enjoy this type of environment. I don't drink and it was too crowded. My sister got drunk and made friends with some random people. We later met up with her friends and partner and went out for a late dinner...the first thing I had to eat all day and last thing. I love my sister, dont get me wrong. But I am starting to get sick of the sight of her. I know live with her and see her ALL the time. I hear the same stories over and over. Also she has totally different interests to me. I want to be alone. Even with my partner...we were both quiet people. I cant go out to these bars, put on a brave face and smile. Its not me. I dont like bars.... I miss my nice quiet life with my ex Uni tomorrow, thats a nice break from my sister and i enjoy it..

Day 1 (Again) euggh... I saw him yesterday. It was nice. We watched our favourite tv show and talked about our weeks and had a good time. He took me shopping for food too. Then we parted. No physical contact. No tears. Just a bye... Now im back here. Back at the start of NC. Today was ok. I went out with my with my cousin who I haven't seen in a while. She is single and its nice to have another single person to speak too! All my friends and family seem to have partners. Then I had a nice quiet night in. Starting to feel a bit down about having to live with my sister. I love her but she is getting married soon and I don't want to be in a martial home with them two. I feel like such a dead weight. A little black cloud floating around making everyone miserable. I want my own place, but I can't afford it. Blah... Lets see how I feel tomorrow....

Day 2 Today is the morning of day 3, but I'll tell you about day 2 as I had no desire to talk about it yesterday. Day 2 was worse than day 1. I had a horrible anxiety attack, couldn't breathe and really scared myself. I asked my sister for my medication but she got angry and said I was stronger than this. She is currently keeping my meds as I tried to O.D last week..The refusal of my meds made me more anxious, I thought I was going to die. Eventually she gave in and gave me one. Later me and my sister had an argument about the meds and her wedding. I said to her I don't know if I can make it through the day without being a blubbering mess. She got angry with me. I needed someone to talk to that wasn't going to be angry with me so I called my best friend (unfortunately this is my exs sister). She came over and we sat and had a chat before heading out for dinner and then the cinema. I had a nice evening. It distracted me. When I got home I said hi to my sister and her partner and then quickly headed to bed. I went out like a light but woke up at 4am but soon went back to sleep until 8. Today I woke up and noticed he had posted a lyric from a sad song about being alone on his facebook. Obvious breadcrumbs... Anywho, dunno what today will involve as I have no plans what so ever and everyone else is at work. Might just sleep all day. x,x

Day 1 So today was rather hard. I went back home where we are both from, where we grew up together. There was a big event happening in my town in which everyone visits. I didn't want to go, I thought of staying in the city but my sister twisted my arm. Also I think staying in the apartment all day would drive me crazy. So I went....and it was tough. Constant reminders of us everywhere, our childhood together...People asked me if I was okay and I teared up a few times. Had a nice chat with my Dad about life and he is such a great listener. I was tempted to text me ex so many times with "hey, remember when this happened...." or send him some photos of the place. Then my phone went crazy, turning itself on and off. Then it reset its background cover to a picture of him and I nearly cried. Back home in my city now, today has been long but I'm proud of myself for dragging my ass out and facing my fears of visiting our old haunts and not contacting him once. One step at a time....