I don't know why I have no positive feelings towards...

[flower888]

Dear all, this is probably my last thread to this forum. I will now confess my most inner feelings here, something I am not proud of, something I can't help and I don't know why.

 

Since young, from teenager to young adult, I have no feelings to babies or kids. Many times even negative feelings. I do not know how to communicate with them, have zero urge to. I have zero urge to hold a baby too. When I see kids or babies, I just want to go away.

 

When my brothers had babies, I couldn't run. I faced my nieces from baby stage to toddler to a child. I put in effort sometimes to buy the first niece gift. As more babies come, I am still the same. If I have a choice, I don't want to be near a baby or a child. When I didn't have a choice, I did my best of course, just because I have to, not because I want to.

 

I thought my mother instinct will kick in. I am now 40, I am lucky to have a responsible man now to have baby with me if I want. I know this is my last chance. I felt a bit of mother instinct a month ago, but it didn't last. I decide to follow my real personality, I don't want to deal with little human.

 

I don't know why I am like this, maybe I lack some hormones. I know part of it is also due to the unloving family background I came from. I don't believe in kinship, just like some people don't believe in love. I didn't see any loving and warm kinship in my family, I didn't experience it. I envy those in close family, siblings visiting each other, family dinner, support etc. my two brothers don't talk to each other, and not to me too.

 

All my uncles and aunties from both my father and mother's side had quarreled among themselves and not talking either. They used to talk, maybe 20 years or more ago.

 

I feel sad at this fact, but I had accepted it since I am given such. I had learnt to be independent emotionally, at least as best as I could. I now live in the states with no kin. I am ok, even happy as I had found my own lifestyle. A month ago I thought of having a child , but my nature takes over. I prefer to have none because I have no interest to take care of one.

 

Like I said I am not proud of myself about this, especially when I see my friends posting their kids pictures. Something I envy, but also something I don't want because I don't believe. I believe it will all turn sour twenty years later for me. ( I am not wishing anything bad for my friends, I am just saying it won't end up worthy in my bloodline.)

 

After this last time of letting out my feelings, I am moving onto a Christian forum. I will focus on my god instead, because I had been thinking about this and not getting me anywhere. It just makes me feel I am a bad person.

 

Any comments are welcome. I guess I am just looking for a little warmth here.

[Batya33]

So you don't want children and don't feel connected to children. No problem - why not instead follow whatever your passions truly are? It's good that you know yourself. Having a child, to me, means being into it at least 100%.

[Seraphim]

You don't have to want children you know. There is nothing wrong with you if you don't want one.

[flower888]

Thank you for your kind replies. But I do think there is something wrong. I feel that women should have natural mother instinct, throughout 40 years I don't have. I feel I am not as worthy as a woman. My present man has two kids from his ex marriage, lucky, if not I don't think he would love me as a woman who doesn't want baby by default.

[faraday]

It's not bad to want a child. It's not bad to not want to hold other people's children.

 

I didn't want children until my daughter surprised me...I love her more than anything now (however my pregnancy was riddled with self doubt and fear)....but I still don't like other people's kids. I think most children are obnoxious and gross.

 

Tbh, you're doing a good thing...the earth is over populated....and there are a lot of parents that have children that don't love them. Those children lose. You have the self awareness to know what's right for you and that's a great thing.

 

Follow your passions, your God...whatever fulfills you. There's nothing bad in that.

[Seraphim]

There are many women actually on this board that don't have a natural mother's instinct. There are many many women that don't have this.

[flower888]

Thank you, is comforting to hear. You know in real life, women who belong to this category cannot say it out, so it is easy to feel alone and unworthy especially the whole world seems to be having babies. Lol

[greta96]

You are not the only one who feels this way, I am exactly like you and I know many women who feel like that.

 

Some people are meant to be parents, some aren't. It's best to know what you want (or don't want), and to act accordingly, because there are too many women out there who have kids but are not able or willing to care for them, there are many women who have kids because they think that's what their "duty" as women is, even though they didn't really want them, and there is nothing worse than bringing a child into the world that will grow up unloved and uncared for.

 

I realized I didn't want kids of my own quite a few years ago, and my parents warned me that there would come a day when I regretted my decision. Well, I still don't regret it. Like you said, I feel that I'm missing those hormones that make a woman crave being a mother. I never had a biological clock ticking, and I have no maternal instincts. I never wanted to hold babies (except for when I was 4-5 years old), I don't go all "goo gaah" when I see one, and in restaurants I try to sit as far away from kids as I can. It's not selfish, it's a preference. Just like some women prefer to be surrounded by all kids, have many kids, teach kindergarten... It's all normal, just different types of normal.

 

So don't let anybody tell you that you're selfish for not wanting to have kids. If anything, you're being smart, because you know deep inside you won't be able to give everything a mother should give her child, so you acted accordingly, so no kid is going to have to suffer. Personally I think selfish are those women who have kids just to say they had kids and been through motherhood, but they neglect their kids, yell at them constantly like they are nuisances and leave them alone for hours and hours, because they just don't have the time or desire to spend time with them.

[happpybear]

There is nothing wrong with you, there are plenty of woman out there that do not want to have kids, and do not have that maternal instinct. I have several friends that are totally anti-children, but they are also totally normal, smart, sweet caring woman, they are not monsters because they don't want to pop out a bunch of babies.

 

I myself love kids, but made a decision long ago that if children would ever be in my future they would be adopted (take care of what we have here first), though, I will admit that I came to a compromise with one of my exes about this, we talked about the possibility of children and decided that we would adopt one (to please me) and I would bear one (to please him). The relationship didn't work out, but I was in love with him at the time and was ok with that decision. At this point, I likely won't agree to that sort of thing again though, I'm older now so..

 

I was listening to this radio documentary a few months ago that dealt with this topic and the researchers found that most woman who don't want children were highly educated, career focused and when they were little girls they never had an interest in playing with dolls or playing house. They discussed the overwhelming pressure placed on girls and woman to follow social norms of child rearing, especially when woman get into their early twenties, and then again when they are in their mid-to late thirties (if they are still childless). It was really interesting hear the views of real woman that don't want kids and to hear how they deal with the pressure. If I can dig it up I will PM you the link, you might enjoy listening to it

[Cheetarah]

Nothing wrong with how you feel, honey. Lots of ladies actually feel the way you do. Nothing is broken inside you.

[mhowe]

Thank you for your kind replies. But I do think there is something wrong. I feel that women should have natural mother instinct, throughout 40 years I don't have. I feel I am not as worthy as a woman. My present man has two kids from his ex marriage, lucky, if not I don't think he would love me as a woman who doesn't want baby by default.

 

Well...just because your opinion is that women SHOULD...doesn't make it true.

I love babies, toddlers...but I don't want one! And never had any. It doesn't make me a bad person. It just makes me...not a parent.

[flower888]

Thank you ladies for your replies. They meant a lot to me. No one talks like this in my real world, they all gave me the disapproving look whenever I said I don't intend to have kids, like I had done something so wrong, and not worthy to be in this world and made me feel like an outcast. That's why I enjoy myself better staying without kin in a foreign country. And I do make my own living and love my small business.

 

Except for the baby thingy, I am a sweet partner as a woman, I take care of my body, love fashion and cook for my man.

 

I always avoid this topic, perhaps I should face it and maybe find a bit more like minded support online, so that I know I am not abnormal.

[Seraphim]

You are not abnormal at all.

[pippy longstocking]

I agree ..loads of women feel like you , it's ok

[Batya33]

Thank you ladies for your replies. They meant a lot to me. No one talks like this in my real world, they all gave me the disapproving look whenever I said I don't intend to have kids, like I had done something so wrong, and not worthy to be in this world and made me feel like an outcast. That's why I enjoy myself better staying without kin in a foreign country. And I do make my own living and love my small business.

 

Except for the baby thingy, I am a sweet partner as a woman, I take care of my body, love fashion and cook for my man.

 

I always avoid this topic, perhaps I should face it and maybe find a bit more like minded support online, so that I know I am not abnormal.

 

I don't think you need to share your preferences with others unless you think the person would be supportive of your decision. I wouldn't share it just to see what reaction you get. If someone asks you or makes assumptions about your not having children you simply can say "thanks for asking -my reasons are personal" and leave it at that.

[catfeeder]

Thank you, is comforting to hear. You know in real life, women who belong to this category cannot say it out, so it is easy to feel alone and unworthy especially the whole world seems to be having babies. Lol

 

Not true that we can't say it. You'd be surprised. I'm not ashamed or embarrassed that I feel this way, and whenever I allude to not enjoying screaming kids, I'm trumped by someone who fully leans into the shared sentiment--and we laugh!

 

In my 20s I exited the realm of many of my friends once they went neck deep in diapers. Showed up for birth coos-and-cahhhs, attended baptisms, gave many a good gift, sometimes lasted for first birthdays, but over time, I faded out.

 

Well, big surprise was on me after a few years when some of these friends reentered my life once kids got into school or day care. These people were perfectly sympathetic and understanding about the boredom that comes from trying to converse with someone who's in constant chaos and cuts off mid-sentence to tend to whatever-baby-demands...

 

I never complained, but I just let go and allowed our divergence as part of natural cycles in the lives of everyone. Nobody I've ever known has stayed tied to my hip over the course of a lifetime, but rather I have shared blocks of history with many only to resume again when our interests are common again.

 

No biggie--why not just be true to yourself? If you believe in God, then trust that you were created as you are for very good reason. Doesn't the world need and deserve plenty of 'support' people who don't need to procreate?

 

Hah! Doesn't your God make perfectly valid and wise and worthy people who can tend to other stuff in the world? (Mine does ; )

 

Hold your head high, and enjoy fully what you DO enjoy. There's nothing 'wrong' with you other than your belief that you must somehow be wrong. You are in excellent company, and you are rightfully entitled to love and be loved in this world as you see fit.

[flower888]

Once again, thank you for the encouragements. I feel stronger now with my own preference and I respect otherwise too as I always had. I will continue to pursue my other passions and one would be to form a stronger relationship with my God.

 

( Catfeeder: I assume you like cats. I like cats too, I have one and love her dearly )

[Batya33]

"the boredom that comes from trying to converse with someone who's in constant chaos and cuts off mid-sentence to tend to whatever-baby-demands..."

 

So it's not ok for people to judge women who choose not to have a baby but it's ok to stereotype mothers in this way? When I was working full time I was often in constant chaos and had to cut off people mid-sentence to tend to my mentor and other colleagues in my office. Sometimes my job now as a full-time mom requires the same but just like that situation in no way summed up my career it doesn't sum up -or even come close to -what being a parent is like.

What I think happens is that when friendships change because one of the woman starts an intense career or graduate school program it's not viewed the same as when a woman's lifestyle changes because she becomes a mother. I can think of many (unfortunate) reasons why this is so. Likewise I think it's completely unfair to assume that a woman who chooses not to have a child is free of responsibility or not as committed to family or to other people.

 

In my life -one that was filled with many friends and acquaintances when I became a mom at 42- I found little correlation between those friends I stayed in touch with and whether they were moms or otherwise (and at my age many of my friends had grown children and had not experienced parenting a newborn/small child in many years - it depended on many other factors. I am sure that the women who assumed I was in constant chaos and neck-deep in diapers and therefore walked away without trying to stay in touch were probably not women I needed in my life long term anyway. Very few in that category thank goodness.

[Iwouldbetheone]

There is absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting to have children or not having that maternal instinct. There are a lot of women like that out there. Honestly, I think I'm one of them and I'm almost 40.

[SooSad33]

If you have ANY doubts, don't go there... worst thing to do is have a child YOU didn't want.

I have a sister who, forever didn't 'want' kids in her life. She's now almost 30 and things have changed for her. She's actually enjoying the lil ones my brother has recently fathered.

 

Never anything wrong with not wanting kids. Not all do. That's okay, don't punish yourself for it.

[solamente]

you've heard it all already, but i am another one who doesn't have kids and never really wanted any.

 

although i love love love love love babies and children, i guess i never could wrap my head around the responsibility of it all. had i met a man to marry and share responsibility perhaps things would have been different.

 

i have to admit, i do have moments of regret because once those children had grown and begun to have families of their own i would have babies (grandchildren and great-grandchildren) to enjoy the heck out of now and for years into the future.

 

but, alas, it wasn't meant to be. i believe we are all given a certain journey to complete and for some of us that does not include having children, and that categorically does not mean there is something wrong with us.

[catfeeder]

"the boredom that comes from trying to converse with someone who's in constant chaos and cuts off mid-sentence to tend to whatever-baby-demands..."

 

So it's not ok for people to judge women who choose not to have a baby but it's ok to stereotype mothers in this way?

 

Not a stereotype of 'all' mothers, but a simple statement of my own experience with 'some' mothers. And I think your comparison with those who are equally as absorbed by their jobs or grad school is valid--and that's exactly why divergence with any given friend over time is a natural occurrence, and nothing at all to be offended by.

 

It makes reunions all the sweeter when they occur with those who mattered then, and still have more mutual ground to cover at a later date.

 

This isn't about 'judging' in the sense that anyone is 'wrong' or 'right,' it's about allowing for life to take us all down different lanes.

 

It's no insult to anyone when a parent wishes to focus on his or her child--or when a childless person wishes to focus his/her primary energies on self development or jobs or studies or extended families or friends who are equally focused. This doesn't mean 'all' childless people, and it doesn't imply 'should,' it's a just a 'live and let live' point of view that doesn't seek to make anyone guilty for the road they've chosen.

[Batya33]

"It's no insult to anyone when a parent wishes to focus on his or her child--or when a childless person wishes to focus his/her primary energies on self development or jobs or studies or extended families or friends who are equally focused. This doesn't mean 'all' childless people, and it doesn't imply 'should,' it's a just a 'live and let live' point of view that doesn't seek to make anyone guilty for the road they've chosen."

 

I think close friends should continue to make time for each other whatever life's circumstances even if the timing has to change. I think you can focus on your child or your career and still focus on close friendships.

[catfeeder]

[...] I think close friends should continue to make time for each other whatever life's circumstances even if the timing has to change. I think you can focus on your child or your career and still focus on close friendships.

 

That's a 'should' we're each entitled to decide for ourselves--and we're not able to impose it on our friends. We can do our best to uphold our own efforts, but if over time we notice that the investment isn't really reciprocal, we can opt to keep huffing it for the sake of tradition, or we can accept that our friends' focus is absorbed by child rearing. And that's okay.

 

Not every parent is entirely thrilled with an implied obligation to include their single friends in everything, either. For those of us who've faded away from parent friends, it's often because we've already noticed that the fade itself is mutual. It doesn't mean we don't love these people anymore--sometimes it's just a private decision to no longer spin our wheels to hold onto inclusion in situations that we don't find all that rewarding.

 

All relationships being voluntary, we're allowed to let go. Those who don't want to don't have to, but there's no such thing as a blanket 'should' for everyone.

[Batya33]

Never said there was. I think there is something wrong with a person who chooses to focus on childrearing (or a career, or a hobby, whatever) and chooses to give up close friendships entirely just because the person had a baby. Certainly in the case of childrearing that decision likely will lead to the sort of imbalance that's not great for a child. I don't think there is any implied obligation towards single people and of course there are married people, people in relationships who don't have children- big deal. I don't include my single friends in child-centered activities unless I really think they want to be around my child -I wouldn't want them to be bored and I don't want to be too distracted when I am the full time mom of a very young child. I find other ways to remain in close touch and I don't think of them as "single" nor do I think of my parent friends as "parents" -they are my friends, they're individuals.

 

The difference for me also was that my way of keeping in touch before I became a mom had almost nothing to do with "girls' nights out" or even staying out late - because I was 42 when I married and became a mother.

 

I'm sorry if you've had close friendships fade just because the friend had a baby. I don't think that has anything to do with marital or parent status -just that individual person, her priorities about friendships and her decisions.

 

Obviously all relationships are voluntary - I don't find that that adds anything to this particular discussion.