Opinions please?

[indea08]

I have a 3 mo old daughter. She's my first, and I'm a young mom (23 yo). My mother's side of the family is pretty close, and consists of my mom, her three sisters and their husbands, seven cousins (including myself), and my grandparents. I'm a fairly private person, but my mom and her sisters feel that anyone's business in the family is everyone's business in the family.

 

When I was still pregnant, I made it known that I did not want visitors at the hospital, nor did I want to entertain company the first week I came home with baby. I was sore, swollen, tired, and wanted to spend my energy bonding with my baby. My aunts still showed up anyways, unannounced to me. They asked my mom for permission to come visit, who failed to even warn me. I felt completely uncomfortable and out of control.

 

Weeks passed and I am much more comfortable in my role as "Mom" but I still get a little uncomfortable allowing others to hold my daughter. I'm MUCH better than I was at first, but still working on it. After a few family functions where I allowed an aunt or cousin to hold the baby, and they walked off with her or attempted (unsuccessfully) to soothe her for 15 minutes while I had to listen to her cry, I quit letting anyone else hold her. I was tired of being uncomfortable the entire time, and having to nurse her to calm her down, particularly because my family didn't understand that nursing was a PRIVATE thing and spectators were not welcome. As I said, I have improved and I think I'd be able to handle letting the close family hold her for awhile, but we haven't had a small family gathering recently. We had a goodbye party with our family, plus extended family and another family. I was not going to play "pass the baby" with all of these people so I just kept her to myself. After one of my cousins was incredibly pushy about holding my baby (the minute she walked in the door), I pretty forcefully said NO. Since then, my family tells my mom they aren't comfortable asking me to hold her.

The problem: Today I learned they want to wait until they know I've let my mom watch her and then ask my mom if they can come see her behind my back. This is also sort of my mom's "solution". I'm beyond offended. Not once in the beginning did ANYONE in my family ask ME if (or when) they could come visit, they asked my mom. They intruded on what should have been private, especially when I had only been a mom for a week or two. And now, they think it's okay to bypass me and come visit without my permission when I'm not around. I understand why they are afraid to ask me to hold her, but mostly why I'm so against it is because I've felt invaded and disrespected from the start, and this just adds to my feelings of disrespect.

 

I suppose if I start offering to let them hold her more often, but be able to say "I want her back" before she gets upset to the point of needing to nurse to calm down, that'd be a start. I'm just so angry that they think it's okay to work around me that I don't even want to meet them in the middle.

 

Opinions on this situation? Any other moms deal with overbearing family members? Advice on handling it? Am I just being a "crazy first-time mom"?

[Seraphim]

Why are you afraid to let them hold her? Or is it that you are mostly angry about being disrespected? Those are two entirely different issues. I can understand being nervous as a mother especially when you have a new baby. But the way I felt about it was the more people who loved and cuddled my baby those people were a benefit to him.

 

Also too though you cannot control who your mother has over at her house. It is her house after all.

 

Obviously your family no longer feels comfortable asking you if they can hold and visit the baby. That is why they have gone to your mother.

 

I think rather than hinting and guessing you should make things very clear. Actually talking to people will probably make things better.

[Jennifer89]

You need to loosen up some, these are your family members, they are the ones who will take care of her if something happens to you, who will have your/her back if there is a crisis, who would gladly come over and keep you company if you asked. Babies are exciting and they want to be around the new one. They want to build emotional bonds with her that will last a lifetime. I am assuming they would gladly help with dishes and laundry in a situation where you are feeling overwhelmed... I wish so badly that my mom had raised me around my family, I never got to go to grandmas after school or grow up with cousins, and I really wish I did.

 

They are and have been disrespectful to you, and you do need to address that. Tell them that they need to call before coming over because she may be sleeping or you may be busy. Tell them that they need to ask to hold her, but meet them halfway. When you are with them, tell them to wash their hands and sit down if they want to hold her, and to give her back if she gets fussy right away and you will take care of it. Especially if they have bought her gifts and sent cards etc, it is not fair for you to refuse to let them see her. Maybe I'm only saying this because I'm the supportive friend/family member and not the mom, but you will be happy to have someone who you can let her hang out with when your mom is not available, who she will feel safe with.

[SooSad33]

I suggest you have a heart to heart with mom. Ask her to inform them, IF they would like to drop by there for a wee visit, to say, "I dont know what she's up to, why dont you ask her?"

 

They should all calm down a bit and hopefully soon realize and understand that this IS new to you and wee one.

Btw- I was same age when my first arrived too.

 

tc and Congrats

[Seraphim]

But yes ,I would lighten up a little bit these are family members not strangers off the street. They are obviously excited to have a new family member.

[jenny_mcs]

 

Am I just being a "crazy first-time mom"?

 

Yeah, you kind of are. People love babies, babies make people happy, and a lot of people like holding babies-especially new members of the family. I think it's really sad that you won't let anyone hold the baby. Are you feeling a lot of anxiety about other things too?

 

And honestly, the whole "going behind your back"...I can understand it. They want to hold and interact with the baby, and you've forbidden it, so they will wait till your not around. It's not a good situation all around, and I think you need to really try to relax and allow your family to hold and cuddle your baby. It will be OK, I promise.

[catfeeder]

Yes, you're being a bit nutty--and hostile.

 

You may want to consider the advantages of being less brittle, more flexible in your interpretations and dealings with your family. Consider also the disadvantages to your baby and your own head if you continue to cultivate hostile relationships within your own support system.

 

If you're not careful, you'll drive yourself nuts--and you'll drive everyone else away. Isolation isn't great for kids, especially when a family warmly embraces all other cousins. Your child will grow to recognize the differences in treatment and later resent YOU for it.

 

Lastly, you may want to consider counseling and an assessment for potential depression.