This could get interesting. 30 year age gap....

[mhowe]

No! You say...do you mean John John ( the son)!!!

LMFAO

[teabee]

I have not read most of the replies. I'm in a relationship with a man 29 years older. I'm 24, been together for almost 5 years. It does sound shady and weird when looking at the ages, perhaps, but man oh man do I ever love him. He's a damn good man and exceptionally good for me.

 

Met when I worked in a coffee shop where he was already a regular and got to know him. I remember thinking the exact same thing: play it safe or GO for something, for once? Glad I went for it. I mean, dang, one life to live! And I fully embrace what they say about most regretting the things you didn't do. I can already feel that about my past. As long as we aren't talking about life-destroying drug use, crime or playing with people's hearts, take some risks! Live your life!

 

And it will revolutionize your conventional ideas about age and people. Truly matters not, as far as I'm concerned.

[teabee]

Oh, by the way, he is a fabulous lover too!

Endless energy, high sex drive, no erection issues lol

[The_Seeker]

I dated J. He was 23 years older than me. Ah, yes. LOL Funny story, in the summer he called me to spend time with him by having dinner and catch up. I said " Sorry, currently dating someone else." LOL

 

Anyway, he flirted with me at the bar. We had dinner. He was very handsome [James Bond] and mentally stimulating.

 

Anyway, we hooked up several times because we just liked spending time together. Then he started doing the last minute planning and then I had enough. I have low tolerance for not planning things ahead because it screws with my schedule.

 

I realized that he was around my parents' age. Then if I wanted to do things such as playing sports [running involvement] and hike, he wouldn't be able to. All he could play is golf. I hate golf because it's the most boring sport on the planet.

 

Then I realize, I would want a guy who likes fitness like I do, and exploring nature with me. I can't stand sitting in the house all the time when there's life outside the box.

 

 

I do miss his eyes. LOL If I ever do bump him in person, I prob give him a hug but that's it. He looks like too much James Bond though!

 

P.S. Had to google the name of the James Bond. He looks like Pierce Bosnan.

[Cynder]

I actually agree with a good portion of this. I thin 99.9% of the time this kind of thing is unhealthy.

 

WHF, this 21 year old, is she going to school/working? I think its one thing to just let a man take care of you versus accepting help while you get on your feet. If she is doing things outside of this marriage that expand her man, gain job skills, etc then IMO, there is a higher likelihood that the relationship will last and is healthy.

 

She works. They both have full time jobs but she's actually the bread winner of their house. She makes more then he does. They both work in hospitality.

 

She is originally from Israel, moved here as a teenager. I don't know hardly anything about the culture over there, but maybe that culture is a little more accepting of this? Idk... like I said before, as long as they are happy and not hurting anyone, who is anyone to judge?

[Moontiger]

Hey everyone. Quick update, I saw him today when I went to my volunteer thing. He was very respectful of me, did not push me or make me feel uncomfortable in anyway or bring up seeing each other outside of where we volunteer. We continued to work of the same project and just had a nice causal chat about some things that are going on in his life. Still on the fence on if this is something I will pursue. I think he is also hesitant. He mentioned a situation with a guy he knows (but is not friends with ) who is aggressively pursuing a woman almost 40 years younger then him. He used the word "lecherous" several times.

[MyNinja]

Hmm, I wonder why he brought up that situation about some guy he knew pursuing someone younger. Makes me think he's fully aware of what going on between you two and is trying to feel out the situation or bring up the subject of age gap relationships in an indirect way :smile:

[Moontiger]

Hmm, I wonder why he brought up that situation about some guy he knew pursuing someone younger. Makes me think he's fully aware of what going on between you two and is trying to feel out the situation or bring up the subject of age gap relationships in an indirect way

 

I don't want to get to specific but I can say this, the two people he spoke of are involved in a situation that effects him and has been going on for several months. The other volunteers and our supervisor knew the whole story and he was giving a general update to everyone. When we all went to do our work and he I continued to talk and he ask me about a few specifics in this situation for a female perspective.

[abitbroken]

What would bother me is he made himself very clear to you after just meeting you that he is interested in you. This isn't the age gap where a friendship has been built over a long time and you normally would not have considered eachother and then a few years later realize there is attraction and are hesitant about things - and then decide that the intellectual connection is undeniable. The fact of the matter is that he met a much younger woman and he zoned in.

 

could it be because your last boyfriend was very unmotivated that you are attracted to him because he is the opposite - older, the impression of responsibility and maturity, etc, unlike your last ex who didn't want to better himself?

 

I honestly would steer away if you work/volunteer together right now if the situation with teh 40 year gap with another couple is such a big scandal there adn i would gradually get to know him in a work relationship.

 

the things about kids and being a caretaker really are important to note.

 

And just because there are no 25-35 year old guys in front of your face at the moment, doesn't mean you won't meet someone in the next few months. You might have to put yourself out there - but they are out there.

[Moontiger]

I think motivation, responsibility and maturity are certainly qualities I am looking for in an SO. I'm going to keep getting to know him and see how things pan out. Not sure if it matter but I feel I should mention that when I say he made his interest clear it was more along the lines of "I would really like to get to know you better" not "Hey, wanna come over and see my Etchings?"

[Fudgie]

I want to add, it's possible that his "lecherous" comments about the story were a way to gauge your reactions. That's just a gut feeling of mine. If he really felt it was "lecherous", I don't think he would spend much time talking to you or even making ANY interest known. People say weird things to gauge reactions out of people. Actually, most people do it. I do it with people I don't know to get a sense of who they are and what offends them. LIke, if the TV with the news is on or whatnot. It's how I gauge a patient's personality and volatility, trying to find what makes them tick as I will usually be stuck in a room with them for several hours keeping them company so they don't try to hurt themselves/others.

 

 

Just a thought.

[blueidealist24]

I've gotta say, I'm not really sure what he said or did which made it clear that he was interested in you besides just being friends..

[Moontiger]

I want to add, it's possible that his "lecherous" comments about the story were a way to gauge your reactions. That's just a gut feeling of mine. If he really felt it was "lecherous", I don't think he would spend much time talking to you or even making ANY interest known. People say weird things to gauge reactions out of people. Actually, most people do it. I do it with people I don't know to get a sense of who they are and what offends them. LIke, if the TV with the news is on or whatnot. It's how I gauge a patient's personality and volatility, trying to find what makes them tick as I will usually be stuck in a room with them for several hours keeping them company so they don't try to hurt themselves/others.

 

 

Just a thought.

 

Hey Fudgie, I haven't read your PM yet but I'll get to it sometime today.

 

I think your right about him feel out my thoughts to a certain degree. As I said I cannot get into specifics about what he told me but it seemed to me he felt this guy was a jerk. The younger woman is married and works with this guy.

 

I've actually been playing my cards pretty close to the vest and will continue to do so as I feel out this guy. I won't be seeing him next week as I have to work the day I normally volunteer.

[Live-N-Learn]

I am 52 and have been in a relationship with a women that is 29 for the past 18 months. TBH, I have more reservations about moving forward to marriage than she does. I know for a fact that this women loves me with all her heart and would marry me if I asked her. We are very open and talk a lot about our concerns. Here are a few of mine.

 

1. What happens when I retire and she is still working for another 20 years.

2. What if I get sick or very limited in my ability to be active, will she still stand by my side or become unhappy and either withdrawal or leave.

3. Obviously, I will need a prenuptial so that if she decides to leave she won't leave me destitute. We have talked about this and she would sign it and understands.

 

We both have 2 kids each. Mine our 9,13 hers are 4,7. Good news is that neither of us want more kids and are both fixed. So beyond just loving each other we both must decide if we want to parent 2 more children and love them as our own.

 

We must both decide if we want to deal with the ex's cuz there is no getting around it.

 

It takes a lot more than just love for a relationship to work out. But if you both go in aware of the pitfalls and have talked it through then it can work. Don't underestimate what your relationship may be like in 20 years, especially if you want kids with him.

 

Best of luck

[pl3asehelp]

Wow, it's disappointing that you would even consider this.

[mylolita]

Hi Moontiger,

 

I have seen your advice on enotalone many a time and I value your opinion hugely!

 

What I would like to add is that our instincts / gut feelings and first thoughts on a situation are normally the most honest.

 

What I would want to ask you is, how do you really feel about this guy as a potential lover and partner, age aside? Are the sparks flying? Do you feel an amazing connection pulling you both together? Are you head over heels?

 

When I'm reading your comments I feel like you are maybe looking for a relationship and due to looking, have come accross a pleasant, maybe a potential candidate, but in my opinion thats not how chosing a partner should be, I don't even think thats how chosing a date should be! You should feel compulsively drawn to them, if not, it seems as if you are talking yourself into this or maybe just curious about this guy but not on a serious level?

 

Please correct me if I am way off here!

 

My advice to you would be, the age gap won't even come into any consideration if the sparks fly enough. Age will and should be secondary if you fall in love, because I think at the end of the day, you can't help who you're attracted too, and it's wrong to keep yourself apart from someone you have strong feelings for.

 

My impression is you don't feel this way about this guy, hence I would leave it. You seem to get on very very well as friends, and maybe thats where it should stay?

 

As others have mentioned, age gaps can bring hard issues up like children and biological ticking clocks. You need a huge love for each other and a mega strong relationship to survive some of the complications a gap can bring - if you don't have a gut feeling that you two have this (or could develop it), I wouldn't go there.

 

I also say this from being in a 6 year long relationship with my fiance who is nearly 10 years older than me. I met him when I was 18 so the age gap was a little more obvious back then. No one could have told me he was wrong for me and to be straight, I was so head over heels he could have been 40, it wouldn't have mattered.

 

Search your heart and ask yourself is this what you really want? Maybe the fact that you're even asking the question is the answer it's self?

 

Best of luck!

 

- Lolita

[BigKK]

I can't offer much, except a story of a close family friend.

 

This guy is an artist, dean of engineering, very athletic, charismatic. I really like him. He's 60+ I believe 66 now. I used to play volleyball and table tennis with him. (he'd destroy me in table tennis)

 

 

Anyway, this 29 year old foreign girl fell head over heels for him. This girl just finished her PHD, and met him at school. She didn't know much about it, but they dated a short while and got married.

 

Mind you this is all my own opinion and observation, and there is always "two sides" to a story.

 

What happened after they got married?

 

She shouldn't get a job, since he makes enough.

 

She doesn't need many friends, unless he accompanies her out.

 

She doesn't need a car, since they live in a great place.

 

She shouldn't leave the house without his approval.

 

 

Basically this girl is a prisoner to this guy, even though in my eyes I thought he was "perfect" as a role model for a man, boy was I wrong.

 

I don't know what the deal is, but I've met her at parties a few times...she's miserable now vs. when they first got together. It's like a different person. I'm confused why she doesn't just divorce and leave...but I know one of the reasons is because she might lose her citizenship? I am not sure...

 

Anyway... this is ONE example, but there is always SOME kind of flag raised when dating a huge age gap. People can still fall in love, but keeping your cards close to the vest is a good idea with this one. Interested in what becomes of it. Good luck MoonTiger

[mandy86]

I totally agree. The insecurities that older men have when dating a younger woman is very complex for both parties involved. My ex was 20 years older than me and what Live-N-Learn is saying is quite true. Most of his concerns would revolve around his insecurities - his main insecurity was if he got sick or old, would I withdraw my companionship. From my experience it is really difficult to maintain any relationship even more so with such a large age gap.

 

If you asked me would I do it again. . . I probably wouldn't. I would rather someone my own age (I am 27). The age gap was not the reason we separated. We were prepared to get married but he turned out to be very abusive.

It can work though, it depends on the individuals involved.

 

However, you cant help who you fall in love with. This has only been my experience, yours may be different.

[Moontiger]

Hey all!

 

I wanted to give a quick update and was very happy to see people are still reading this! I did not see this this guy (Let's call him A) last week as I was had other plans the day I normally volunteer. I sent an email to him and others letting them know I would not be in. Since then I have not contacted him. I wanted to take some time completely away from him to see if these feelings cooled, intensified, or changed in anyway.

 

I answer a few question/comments:

Pl3asehelp: I understand your reaction. I would like to point out that I am jumping into this like a love-sick teenagers. I am weighing everything carefully.

 

Live-N-Learn: All of the concerns you are talking about of things I am thinking about. I'm not saying IF I start dating this guy it will lead to marriage but I think its wise for everyone involved to sign a pre-nup in these kind of situation.

 

Mylolita: You are so sweet! When I was younger I tended to get into relationships very quickly after meeting someone. I am trying to avoid that this time around because I honestly think its not the healthiest thing. What I know so far is I like talking to him, he has a good sense of humor, he has many interest that I share, and there is an attraction.

 

BigKK: I feel so sorry for that woman. If any man told me any of these things they would be drop faster then a hot rock in H-ll. I would never put up with something like that. I remember when I was in college it was a hot day and was wearing a skimpier shirt than normal. My BF at that time run up to me and said, "You need to change!" I gave him my (censored by ENA) face and was about to go off on him. Luckily he saved himself quickly, he said, "My mom just showed up and wants to meet you!" His parents were very conservative and I had never meet them before. He NEVER asked me to changed what I wore ever again.

 

I hope this helps clarify a few things for everyone. Anywho, over this week of not talking to him I have found myself still thinking about and and smiling when I do. I spoke with several friends about this. One is a person I have known for years, she and I know each other very well. She is a free spirit type person: tattoos, short hair, very artistic. She is also in a very stable relationship with a guy several years younger then her (they are engaged and have lived together for several years now). The other person I talked to is the opposite. She is the one religious person I know but is very sweet and open-minded. Both told me the same thing: "Just see where it goes. If there is a connection then go with it."

 

Please keep the thoughts and opinions coming!

[Mesemene]

While it's not as big a gap as you're looking at - I'm almost 10 years older than my husband.

 

We were at similar "life stages" - both had kids (he a young son and my two were teens.) Overall, we're well matched - we've been married almost 10 years.

 

As the older one, I'd probably say my biggest point of irritation is his work schedule, which leaves me to single parent his son more than expected and do much of the dealing with his ex. Both my kids are adults now though my son still lives with us (and helps out tremendously with his younger stepbrother.) I think it's a big deal for me because my ex was military, so I've been there and done that with the single parenting already, and while I was ready and willing to be a parent partner again, I didn't expect this.

 

I can live with it. It's just a bit frustrating at times.

 

And I expect, if your relationship progresses, there may be some things you just can't really plan for that may arise. I guess I'd just anticipate that you really can't plan for everything that being in slightly different, or greatly different, generations can complicate, and just agree to take them as they come, one at a time.

[trolleycar]

I think you have to ask your self does this man interest you at all. At this point do not even think about the age gap.

If he was in the age group as your self would you have interest in him. Cause a Fellow the you have interested in weather he be your age or thirty years old if there is no feeling the age does not matter. As they say age is just number. I am in a AGR/LDR with a gal from the UK and the age gap is 36 years. And today is my 73 birthday. And we fave together for all most four years. And age gap having any thing to do with our relationship lasted only a week or two and that was on my part. my Girl was fine with the deference right the beginning. But now we do not even think about age at all. We are just two people in love. and we are the best of friends , when things are not going right we sit down and talk thinks out to come up with an answer that works. I hear so many women say they do not want a friend, This I do not know why. To me before you can become lovers . In the romantic sense and not the just to Jump into bed and go at it. I think your should be friends.

I own a travel service That makes it fairly easy to travel to the UK two do Business with Suppliers over there and to see my gal. So on the weekends I visit her at her home.about four times a year. and I bring to the states twice a year and she stays for around a month. And in the next two weeks she and her daughter will be moving to the states full time.

I think that older men treat younger women better the men there age. I do not see what your problem is with a relationship with an older man is. If it is that the older person will die first. Remember life is a crap shoot.

My gal first was killed by a car then he crossed the street and they were only were married three years.

As I said Remember life is a crap shoot. sometime you roll snake yes. Live is just short to worry about the small stuff.

Try it we mat just like it.

[woodentop2009]

I have had relationships with women older than me and much younger than me (19yrs) and when it comes down to it they are all ..... relationships. It you are looking for Mr right to spend the rest of your life with then you need to think through all the issues carefully but if you just want to go for it and see where it goes why not? There seems to be a taboo about large age gaps in relationships but I am sure it is all about convention rather than feelings.

[Moontiger]

Well, I haven't seen him or emailed him in three weeks. I'm still considering seeing where this goes. Interestingly some people I know (they do not know about this older guy) are trying to set me up with a guy who is 30. He also seems nice and like we have a lot in common. Its going to come down to who I connect best with.

[babylove]

Hi moontiger, I am currently in a relationship with a 30 year age gap, I'm 20 and my boyfriend is 50. Before I started flirting with him he never looked at me in "that" way even in a joking way, and he doesn't have money or anything I'm after, and I think that proves that not every relationship with this big an age gap has some sort of agenda to it. He has four kids the oldest of whom is my age, and they and all his friends are OK with everything and have befriended me, I think that proves there are people out there whose love for you will overcome whatever misconceptions or doubts they had beforehand. It's all just a matter of chance I guess. And don't listen to people who tell you, "well your sexual life will suffer" or "the older one won't have energy to go out" or "your kids will suffer", because love does away with all that. I hope everything works out!!

[Live-N-Learn]

There in lies part of the problem. There are no guys my age in around me that have potential.

 

Wrong motivation to consider him as a partner. You have a lifetime ahead of you, wait for one that does have potential. Sounds like you might be settling based on the statement above. That's not fair to either of you.