Frustrations with Ex Husband

[t1lersm0m1]

I'm not really looking for advice. I'm just so aggravated by my ex husband. I know that man will never change, and we are divorced for a reason, but we have a 15 year old son together.

 

Ok, so ex husband is financially irresponsible. Has had 20+ jobs since I met him in 1995. Gets fired and laid off quite regularly. In 2004 he convinced me to build a home. Promised we could afford it, everything would be fine. He is a "Keeping up with the Jones'" guy but doesn't make the money to justify his lifestyle. (I'm not innocent in this, my instincts knew we couldn't afford the house, and I ignored them). Perfect example is he drives an Audi A4 but makes an average income (his second wife had a lot of money because her husband died and she collected the life insurance).

 

So I told my ex husband for years and years that I didn't love him and I was going to divorce him. He finally asked for a divorce in 2008 right before Christmas. (We had built our house we couldn't afford).

 

After we separated, his current wife moved in in September, with her three daughters (who she gets social security for since her first husband is deceased).

 

So my ex has instant family. Spends very little one on one time with our son. I talked to my ex many times about it (I am not a mother to talk badly about my son's father in front of him, although in all honestly every once in a while I say something I look back and realize I shouldn't have said). My son also tries telling his father how he feels.

 

So they decide to sell the home my ex hubby and I built and move to his new wife's home (which was being rented out after she moved in with ex hubby). They know for MONTHS ahead of time they are moving, but SUPER procrastinate and the house has just gone on the market even though they planned to move in July and ended up moving in August. My ex is from two hours away from me. That's where they move to.

 

Ex husband almost never calls or texts his son to ask how he is. While we were on vacation in July I ask my son if his father has texted or called to see if we made it OK or how he is enjoying the trip. I take my son on many trips, and ex hubby never gives him spending money.

 

So son was apparently told when he got his new phone his friends aren't to touch it. His gf posts on FB using his phone, ex hubby sees it and makes a statement on FB about this being a warning, which son takes as sarcasm and a joke. Son's gf posts again on FB, and his father magically calls that night (this is back in mid-September) to tell him his phone is being shut off because he disobeyed him. His phone remains off 6 weeks. A few days after the call from his father, my son calls him and says he doesn't want to come for a visit. Explains him that he has told him repeatedly he would like alone time with his Dad, and his Dad never called him to see how his first day of school went, but magically has time to call when he's angry. His father begins screaming and cursing, at which point my son puts the phone on speaker and I mouth the words "Hang up." He hangs up. His father later tells him that he and his wife feel he has an attitude that needs to be adjusted. While he was yelling at him he said things like "You know the phone works both ways and I work and I'm not just sitting here twiddling my thumbs."

 

Ok, so house is vacant since August (was originally supposed to be July), they never told me they were moving, my son finally told me. He is currently $2200 behind in child support. They live two hours away.

 

One more back story. The ex's new wife would constantly text me on behalf of my ex. It made me feel like she was a go between and my ex and I couldn't communicate. When we first separated/divorced I was very angry and B'y. However, I'm in a much better place emotionally. So one day in June the wife texts me that my ex wants to know if I can take my dog asap to be put to sleep because he is losing his bowels (I left my dog up there because it's a large house on 2 acres of land). I was so sick and tired of the whole go-between that I snapped. First of all, I'm at work when she texts me. Second of all, there was no tact. It was just "Can you pick up Caesar asap to be put to sleep". This was my dog and I loved him. I left him behind because my son and I moved into a small home with my parents who already had an old dog who didn't like being bothered. Well ever since then his wife doesn't communicate with me (in person, text or phone).

 

So my son says tonight "Becky wants to know if you can take me to Allentown tomorrow at 5:00 because she has to work til 3 and doesn't want to get George home too late for dinner." (George is ex hubby and new wife's 1 year old son). I told him no because I've been working 10 hour days this week and don't get home until 5:30ish. So he texts her back. She then asks what time I can meet. I tell my son after working 10+ hours I don't want to drive 2 hours (we are an hour from Allentown).

 

I'm just SOOOO angry! Ex husband never told me they were moving, which as a co-parent I feel he should have told me. He's months behind in child support. He knew they were moving and dragged his feet with putting the house we built on the market, and now he is expecting me to drive our son to Allentown because he decided to move two hours away? Not only does the wife want me to meet in Allentown tomorrow, but also on Sunday. I'm not the one who moved. I don't feel I should have to drive 4 hours round trip. Especially not when he is so far behind in support.

 

They moved in August and my son has only been down there 2-3 times. I love my son and do anything for him. But I'm so sick of hoping my ex will change.

 

On the positive side, my son has a bit of a cough and had a headache last night. I told him he should consider staying home because of his baby brother. (Last year my son told me that my ex asked me to make sure he gets a flu shot because of his new son).

[waffle]

I'm totally jealous that your Ex pays for your son's cell phone!!!!

 

As far as him moving, it should have been stipulated in your divorce agreement that 1) he has to notify you of change of address, and 2) location restrictions, if any (and there usually are location restrictions, as in, they have to get it OKd with the court before moving), and 3) who is responsible for dropping off and picking up? If you have none of this in writing, you need to go back to court because all that stuff is pretty basic.

[alli]

I definitely think that the adults are lacking communication in this situation. Perhaps you could be the first to offer an olive branch or five to start mending this situation for the sake of your son. If you are cordial and civil once it probably won't make a difference. But try to be civil to them for a period of time. Like 3 months. And see if that makes a difference. Is your ex normally this late in child support? That would be my biggest concern.

 

Okay, so procrastinating on the whole moving and selling the other house thing is annoying. But how is it your problem? You will drive yourself nuts getting irritated by things like that that really don't affect you. Unless of course, the reason he hasn't paid is because he doesn't have money because he hasn't sold the house. That warrants irritation.

 

The phone thing sounds dramatic to me, but he WAS paying for the phone and he can put any restrictions on it that he wants. If your son doesn't like it he doesn't have to have the phone. Maybe it's a stupid rule to you and your son (and seems a bit dumb to me, too) but that was the deal, take it or leave it.

 

My parents have been split up for as long as I can remember. They are both remarried. I moved away with my mom to live with my stepdad (her new husband at the time) when I was in 8th grade. Even though my mom was the one who decided to move, my dad and stepmom picked me up. They did at least half of the driving. They may have even driven me back at the end of the weekend; I don't remember. They could have gotten irritated and said it was up to my mom to do it since she was the one who moved away, but they didn't and I am glad. That would have put tension on everyone. Especially me, the child in that situation.

 

I think everyone needs to grow up here and stop communicating through the kid. Your ex may be an idiot but in the interest of your son, I think you should be the bigger person and be the first to step up and smooth things out.

 

I remember which parents were more mature in this situation. I remember who said bad things about the other, while the other never said a negative word about the first. I remember tense situations where one side was screaming and the other was responding back in words instead of screams. I still love all of my parents. But guess which ones that I respect for how they handled themselves and who I model myself after?

[abitbroken]

Go get your dog and don't put him to sleep. have the dog checked by a vet. Unless his bowels are protruding (which can be fixed) what is a little poop if the dog is happy otherwise. The dog will be happier with you in a small place than unloved with your ex.

 

Is your son at an age where he can choose if he sees dad or not? Also, I would go to the courts for the child support and don't communicate with them unless they talk to you directly. Is your son in counseling? And what about taking him off of dad's plan and getting him a prepaid phone so the tie is cut there?

[abitbroken]

if he sells the house, doesn't he owe you half the profit on top of child support, not in lieu of?

[t1lersm0m1]

Ok, to address the items you guys replied to:

 

1. The house irritates me because the mortgage is in my name. It has gone into foreclosure before, and I'm afraid it will again. As of now, because they procrastinated, they are paying two mortgages. That's not to guarantee if they put the house on the market sooner it would have sold, but I know if I had to pay two mortgages I would have done everything to sell the first house. Side notes: the new wife has more money invested in the house than I do, so she has even more to lose if the house doesn't sell, since she spent the life insurance she was supposed to raise her daughters with and now has to work. Second side note, although the mortgage is in my name, the deed is in both. When we got our construction loan, both names were on it. When we converted to a conventional mortgage, my credit was better, so only my name is on the mortgage. Paying two mortgages is why I'm not getting child support.

 

2. The cell phone doesn't irritate me because of the cell phone. It irritates me because now that my son is older he is starting to see who his dad really is. LIke I said, when we went to TN in July I asked my son if his father had called or texted to see if we made it ok and how the trip was going. I also asked if his father ever calls or texts, and he said no. They only speak when its his weekend to see him. So when his father called him to tell him his phone was being shut off, it made him realize "Wow, Dad has time to call if there's a good enough reason, but just saying hi isn't a good enough reason." Also, when he spoke to his father about it, his father cursed and screamed at him. When I told my son NEVER to allow ANYONE, not even his father to speak to him like that, he said he does it all of the time, and even screams at his younger half-sisters and curses (one is 12 and there are twins that are 9).

 

3 I left this part out, but whenever anything is going on with our son, I convey that info to my ex. So I fully keep him aware of his son's life. But they never communicate anything with me. Perfect example is the fact I had to find out from my son they were moving two hours away. They specifically told my son not to tell me. But then when he said to me one day "Dad's stuck in Downingtown" and I asked what his dad was doing there he had to tell me he was working there and about the move. He told me this because we were on our way to his spring chorus concert and I said I"m sure you're dad will be there with Becky and the kids.

 

4. Unfortunately my dog was 13 years old and he was part golden retriever. He had horrible problems with his hips and was in constant pain. When I was up there and I saw that in the spring, I offered to take him to be put to sleep (I don't think an animal should suffer). So her texting me at work was in reply to me offering. I didn't mean to leave that part out. So he was actually put to sleep months ago. What I didn't like was the fact that she knows I work days and she texted me during the day, and her text said "Dave asked me to text you and see if you can get the dog asap because he is losing his bowels and it's unsanitary for George since he's crawling". It was the whole fact that ANYTIME info was conveyed to me, it was from my ex THROUGH his new wife. It was just irritating.

 

And yes, if the house sells and doesn't foreclose, I will be entitled to half the profits, plus my back child support. Thankfully for my son, I can give him a good life (also thanks to my Mom since we live with her) whether his father pays support or not. We travel and do activities all of the time.

 

I just really needed to vent!

[abitbroken]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I hope the house sells so you can have him out of your life in a financial way. And after that I guess your son can decide if he wants to see his dad or not. It is so rotten that he treats the new family as a "replacement" family and does not include your son. Also, to me if the mortgage is in your name, I would evict their sorry butts. I think you can do it if your ex is not on it. That is what I would do and I would sell it. Hopefully, the end of the tunnel is coming soon!

[t1lersm0m1]

I hope so too abitbroken.

 

I just don't get him. I try to inform him of anything that is going on with his son. My son is my life. Even if I one day remarry and have more kids, I'm not going to let the love of any one child overshadow the other children.

 

I've even told my ex.....your stepdaughters live with you and get to see you EVERY DAY. Your flesh and blood son only gets to see you every other weekend and you spend NO alone time with him (the girls' father is deceased, in case anyone missed that in the first post). It's like would it hurt him to take him bowling or to dinner or something. Not even every other weekend when my son goes down there, but once every few months.

 

I have to remember that not everyone shares my morals and values.

[alli]

That is pretty immature of them to ask your son not to tell you they were moving. They are putting him in a tough spot and essentially making him pick a side. No matter what he did in that situation he probably felt he was disloyal to one of his parents. And WHY would they not want you to know anyway? Obviously you are going to find out eventually, especially if they want you to drive several hours on the weekends to pick up/drop off your son with them!

 

On the bright side, your son is 15 and will be considered an adult in just a few years. Well, you probably find that sad because everyone feels sentimental when their babies grow up, but at least it means the times of dealing with your ex will be tapering to an end soon. Hopefully that house sells soon and he catches up on child support.

 

I get what you were saying about the cell phone situation now. He doesn't have time to call his son and just catch up with him or see how he's doing, but has plenty of time to call and tell his son what he is doing wrong.

[t1lersm0m1]

Hi alli...yes they just are horrible with communication. All they had to do is say "Leigh can we talk to you?" and then say For XYZ reasons we are moving to Downingtown, we wanted to tell you. And then call me last week and say "Can you meet us in Allentown". Instead of texting my son to ask me if I can do it. If she had called me and said "I have a situation. I have to work until 3 and I don't want to get George dinner too late, so would you be willing to meet me in Allentown with Tyler?" I would have gladly done it.

 

My son actually wasn't feeling well (cough and sore throat) and they are very protective of George with colds etc, so I had my son text them about his symptoms and they agreed he should stay home (he was coughing so hard Thursday morning he triggered his gag reflex and nearly threw up).

 

Again, I just have to realize that because I would handle situations a certain way, I can't expect them to handle them that way. They don't communicate with me. I've been separated nearly 5 years. I doubt it'll change at all in the future. And you're right, my son is nearly an adult. 2.5 years he'll be 18.

[Mesemene]

Is Allentown the halfway point?

 

Is it easier for you to meet halfway twice (going and coming) or to just make one complete round trip?

 

I would figure out which is easier for YOU and present them with a plan for the upcoming weekends.

 

I have to deal with a very flaky mom of stepson. This is the kind of crap she pulls. I've learned over the past several years that if I want an arrangement that suits me - expecting common sense and common courtesy is a lost cause. We have to ask everything. If we want to know moving arrangements, we have to ask. If we want to know when I'm picking up the boys? I have to call to check.

 

She's the queen of last minute. The last time I didn't call days before the weekend, I got a call Friday to let me know school got out early "around 12:15pm." This was at 11:15am. And fortunately, since it wasn't on the school calendar, I called the school to verify, because they got out at... 11:45am. I was racing out the door to get there in time.

 

So I've abandoned what "should be" in favor of making my life easier. I call on Thursdays to verify arrangements. I expect to have to follow up with the school to check on times, cost of field trips, events. And frustrating (aggravating, irritating, annoying, infuriating) though it is - it's LESS frustrating than a series of FUBAR events I can't control.

 

So make a list of things that bother you, and put 'em in two columns. Things you can make a plan to control - do it. You shouldn't need to of course - but if it's that or being constantly upset and frustrated - grit your teeth and do it. It's only for a couple more years.

[t1lersm0m1]

Yes, Allentown is the halfway point for us.

 

It's sad we hve to do so much work when all it takes is a bit of communication from the other end. But I realize with them it'swhat I'm going to have to do, just as you haev to do it as well.