Journaling my "personal growth"

[Deciduous]

@Deci

 

I don't really see how I'm "not ready". Heck, people are dating in their teens; how are they "more ready" than I am??

 

Matt,

 

My darling. I am going to be very hard on you here.

 

You are currently in a relationship with a fantasy woman. You chase this person endlessly, yet they cannot be captured. They are unavailable. They have affairs and relationships in front of you.

 

You strive to keep them interested, yet never capture their interest for long, before dance off with the next guy. The dynamics of this relationship, exactly match the dynamics of your parents relationship.

 

This is your template for a relationship. And yet to this day, you have not put two and two together. But you assure us you are ready for an emotional relationship.

 

Your relationship with your Mother has been severely damaged. A pyschological betrayal has happened. Yet you seem quite unaware of the devastating effect this has on your ability to form trusting relationsips with women.

 

You still haven't put two and two together.

 

my own mother (who I was always very close with as a child) is a selfish, greedy, two-faced liar, she emotionally abuses my father, and she's obsessed with sex, and sleeping with as many guys as she can before she dies. I don't even really know what a happy healthy relationship looks like, to be honest.

 

Your first role-model betrayed you. (As your subconscious sees it) But you assure us you are ready for an emotional relationship. You have fears about sex that haven't been analysed or explored, you But you assure us you are ready for an emotional relationship.

 

Let me put this in a language that you will understand. There are two sides to the psyche. "Conscious side" and "Unconscious side." Unconscious side makes 90% of the decisions, without any input from the conscious mind.

 

And so far, you have toed the Subconscious line. You have obeyed it's every order, which leaves you lonely. Subconscious Matt says "A woman will betray, cheat, lie and humiliate you. Keep away from them. Don't fall for their lies."

 

The unconsciousness is like a dictatorial mute five year old child. You can tell it any old thing and it will believe you without reference to logic or sense. It doesn't ask questions, it doesn't do research, it simply absorbs and files away.

 

I say mute because it rarely shares this information with the conscious adult, who has the capability of abstract reasoning and rational thought. Oh dear me no, yet nevertheless it still likes to call the shots, directing the show like a tiny invisible tyrant.

 

And for the most part this is highly beneficial. So much data thrown in its direction, that if conscious adult had to classify and analyse every piece, we'd never have time to leave the house or have the ability to respond rapidly or instinctively to danger.

 

(I'm sure you know all this any-way, but bare with me, as it directly feeds into this dialogue.)

 

Problems start when it mis-files large amounts of information and makes links between events and information, that aren't necessarily quite accurate.

 

This why you don't form real relationships. There's a lot of subconscious information which has been filed away - and remains unchallenged. You have had your trust in women utterly destroyed at a subconscious level. It's completely gone. Your subconscious isn't going to allow you to have a relationship. It believes it is protecting you. And what is interesting, Matt, is that you have so little interest in having a dialogue with it.

 

Essentially, that is what therapy is. Conscious Matt having a conversation with Subconscious Matt Therapy will look at the subconscious beliefs that stop you from having a relationship.

 

And reading post #70, there are number of issues that need to be resovled and mourned at a conscious level. The loss of a Mothering figure would be where I would start.

 

Re-read post #70. Would you say that this is a person that is emotionally, physically and mentally ready for a relationship? Wouldn't you say that there is some work to be done before that point is reached?

 

 

 

Deci

[MattW]

Would you mind giving some concrete examples of this?

 

One of the issues I believe you are facing is that you perceive yourself very differently than other people do, thus you might want to explore where those differences of view come from

 

How do you mean? Not really sure what "concrete examples" for intelligence/ maturity would look like.

 

As far as intelligence goes, I kind of base that off of things people tell me. I never try to "show off" my knowledge, or anything like that, but people frequently indicate to me that they think I'm a very smart person. I know I'm a very logical, analytical person. That's how I tend to approach things and see things. I'm also very punctual and well-spoken. I tend to learn how to do processes (like for work, interning, or class) pretty quickly.

 

And as for maturity, well... I like to think that relates to how I treat people and the world around me. I try to give respect to everyone I come accross (at least until someone shows me that they don't deserve my respect, then I pull back on that for that particular person), I don't bicker or argue about things with people or act childish when I don't get my way. I'm completely turned off by the idea of "partying", getting drunk, and whatnot. I don't objectify women, I'm more attracted to women based on their personality as opposed to their looks. Overall, I try to be as much of a "gentleman" as I can be.

 

@ Deci

 

Yeah, I mean, I can see how big of a problem my issues are. I just don't have much confidence that I can work through them in a relatively quick amount of time, and I'm sick of having to keep waiting longer and longer to date and find love. I don't want to just be starting to date at age 40, 45, 50... Honestly, I always kinda hoped I'd get married some time between ages 28 and 30, but clearly there's no chance of that happening by now. I wanted to be able to have the chance to experience "love" and "passion" while I'm still young and am at my peak physically. If I'm having to work through my issues all the way until I'm 45, 50, my life will almost be over.

 

I don't really know what I can do about the way things are in my life. I can't stop my mom from being the way she is, I can't stop my dad from being the way he is, I can't stop my family from being the way they are, and I can't just be okay with the stuff that's been going on in my family. What am I supposed to do about any of it? I want to get out, get away, but I just don't have the means to get out on my own. Once I start working a "real" job, though, that's the first thing I plan to do, is find somewhere to live by myself, whether it be an apartment, or whatever. But who knows how long it'll take me to get to that point? Could be another year or two before I find good work.

 

I will admit, though, it's crossed my mind many times that I would potentially have difficulties trusting a partner, and not being jealous of other men in her life. But that begs the question once again, what am I supposed to do about that?

 

In a way, my "fantasy" tends to be that I find a great girl, and I'm able to separate myself entirely from my family and my past issues and just be "normal", and she and I "run away" together, away from my past, away from my family, away from all of it, and we just be happy together.

[Deciduous]

Hi Matt,

 

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Who's talking about going into therapy for 15 years???? What the heck would you be doing in that room? Redecorating? I was thinking 18-24 months.

 

Therapy isn't about stopping people from being the way that they are. You aren't entering into therapy to change the whole MattW family. It is about examining hidden emotional issues and understanding how they have affected your life.

 

It is about coming to terms with them, grieving them and then letting them go. When you understand your pain at an emotional level (not a logical level) and understand it's effects on you - your behaviour will automatically begin to change.

 

You are thinking about this with your logical brain. What happens in therapy isn't necessarily logical. Because the subconscious isn't logical.

 

It is about airing deeply held beliefs and pain, that has never been heard. You won't be forcing change, it is going to happen naturally. A lot will come out that you have no idea is buried in there.

 

There are bits in this thread that you had no idea was buried in there, and this is just a tiny, tiny fragment.

 

When you start sticking a light on the subconscious and questioning it consciously, it's begins to reform. It recodes. That automatically effects behaviour - which then goes on to effect your experiences. You can't help that process from happening.

 

So stop assessing, with your logical brain. It is a creative experience designed to pull down walls and that is what is going to happen. I can't tell you the exact route you'll take - or the eventual outcome. Just as I can't predict the route of this thread - and what will be its last post.

 

So let us stop with the logical hypothesis (as written in your post above) Unfortunately you cannot quantify therapy in this manner.

 

At best, you can write down what you hope to get out of it. And that is a very, very good place to start

 

Take care

 

Decixx

[MattW]

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Who's talking about going into therapy for 15 years???? What the heck would you be doing in that room? Redecorating? I was thinking 18-24 months

 

Heh, well, I didn't necessarily mean I'd be in therapy that long, just that between therapy, becoming "ready" for a relationship, and actually finding someone I like that will have me, I'm probably looking at a long time of loneliness ahead of me no matter what. I just don't want it to be that long. It bums me out as it is that my ideal timeframe is not at all possible, and even more so that the actual timeframe is going to be way longer than I would've hoped.

 

It is about coming to terms with them, grieving them and then letting them go. When you understand your pain at an emotional level (not a logical level) and understand it's effects on you - your behaviour will automatically begin to change.

 

I still don't really understand how I could ever come to terms and move on from these things. It's always going to be there, you know?

 

Besides, I feel like we're getting ahead of things here. Yeah, these issues could pose a problem once I'm in a relationship, but I can't even find a girl that I share a mutual attraction with. What good does it do to focus on "step 5" when I can't even reach "step 1"?

 

At best, you can write down what you hope to get out of it. And that is a very, very good place to start

 

I really don't even know, to be honest. I just wish I could be "better". I wish I could be normal, I wish I could have the things I want in life, I wish I could actually have friends, I wish I could find an amazing girl that I like, a girl that likes me back, I wish I could be a part of a family that actually loves each other and is happy and healthy.

 

But it all just seems so unrealistic to me. I can't picture it, I can't imagine it for myself, all I can see is how everyone else around me has these things, has had them for a while, and will continue to have them, and I just feel bad knowing that I'm so far from "normal" that I'm almost 25, completely alone and alienated from everyone, with no real prospects or things to actually look forward to.

[blueidealist24]

You made the comment that you should be considered ready to date because a lot of teens date.. well, I can tell you at least 50% of those teens shouldn't be dating either, considering the dramatic, silly ways they often conduct their relationships in. Heck, this is mostly an older board but some of the threads on here are good examples of people who aren't emotionally ready to date going ahead and doing it anyway!

[jenny_mcs]

Dude. Nothing anyone on this thread or any other is going to help you. I almost wish all these well-meaning women (I think the guys abandoned this ship a while ago) would just stop responding, because it is not helping. YOU ARE DEPRESSED. Your depression is clouding every single thought you have. It’s a devil that sits on your shoulder and hisses a constant stream of crap into your brain. It tells you that life sucks, there is nothing interesting to see, nothing interesting to do. That you are nothing, and no one will ever love you. That nothing will ever change that. Things that help other people don’t apply to you.

 

And I know what your response will be before I ever see it. You’ll give one of your self-depreciating “Eh. This is why XYZ isn’t true.” Depression has been described as a disease of “Yeah, but….”—meaning that for EVERY single suggestion, the depressed person will come up with a “Yeah, but…this is why that won’t work for me.” This describes you, exactly. I think you get some small satisfaction from shooting down each and every thought and suggestion that people offer. Because depression is the "Yeah, but...." disease.

 

Maybe it will be comforting, maybe it will terrifying---- but you are not some special snowflake with a completely unique set of circumstances that can never be helped. No. You are one of millions of people who are depressed. You need therapy and medication. This is what will help you.

 

DEPRESSION is why you are secretly cutting yourself with razor blades. DEPRESSION is why you feel isolated and alone. DEPRESSION is why you have no social support and cling to the memory of the one person who engaged with you and showed you some kindness.

 

You need to continue with your therapist, try to follow her suggestions, and be open to going on medication. Depression is an insidious disease and you need that support to begin to get better. Good luck.

[Deciduous]

Absolutely agree!

[MattW]

Hey, I'm not saying I believe you're wrong, jenny, I just wonder what treating said depression would actually do for me. I'm pretty sure my depression is reactive; I don't think I always had depression. It's come about because of my situation. Say I treat my depression and get better; if, after that, my situation remains the same, I'm still alone and alienated, and all that, I'm just going to become depressed all over again.

 

Treating depression might help in the short term, but I'm not so sure about the long term. Treating my depression isn't going to make me find more women attractive, and it's also not going to make me a more interesting exciting attractive person to anyone else. It might make me feel better internally for a little while, but if the world around me doesn't change, it's not going to matter, and I'll just end up back where I started.

 

I don't personally believe depression is why I can't find anyone. I think I have two fatal flaws that kill any chance of attraction.

 

Number one, I simply don't know how to be "interesting". I've never been good at selling myself. Going places and doing things, alone, does not automatically make someone more interesting. It's all about selling it to others. Someone that spends all their time at time could make themselves seem interesting to others if they know how to do it. Heck, I've had interesting stories and anecdotes about myself that I told people and the stories would completely fall flat because I'm unable to present them in a way that piques anyone's interest. No matter what amazing things I have going on in my life, it wouldn't matter to anyone else if I can't "sell" it to them.

 

Secondly, and admittedly less of a problem, but still a factor nonetheless, I have physical flaws that make me physically. Nobody wants to date a guy that looks like a child. Even short girls don't want a guy that's as short as I am. I'm small, I have the face of a child, I offer a girl no physical protection or security, I have zero sex appeal, I'm pretty much completely useless in this area.

 

Look, I'm not people to respond to my topics, but I'm lonely, I'm completely alone, I have no one to talk to, no social circle to support me and be there for me. If you guys want to stop responding and start avoiding me like the plague, I understand, but I don't think everyone walking out on me would help me any. The point of this journal is to confine my topics to one spot; instead of constantly making topics elsewhere, the idea is to keep it all here, for however many months, years, etc. it takes me to make progress, assuming I make any at all.

[Deciduous]

You are going around in circles. No new thoughts are appearing. You're thinking is caught in vicious circle. How would you break that?

[MattW]

I dunno. If I knew the answer to that, I probably wouldn't be here anymore.

[Deciduous]

I dunno. If I knew the answer to that, I probably wouldn't be here anymore.

 

Matt, matt, matt,

 

Post #83 went round in circles. Your thoughts seemed to get faster and faster and faster. They were like a runaway train. By the time I'd finished reading I was practicely having palpatations. I was nearly forced to take my heart medication

 

There was a lot of anxiety there. That was a causal loop of sci-fi proportions. (We were well into a mental paradox there) It just round and round and round. Faster and faster.

 

So what steps can you take to bring your thoughts out of fourth gear, down to second gear - for one moment. Just for a minute to give yourself space.

 

When you feel yourself going into a mental loop, you will probably feel it in your body also. You will feel yourself tighten up. That is your cue to slow your thoughts down, to gain clarity.

 

Are you with me. Some people do the rubber band trick. They put a rubber band on thier wrist and when ever they find themselves going into the mental loop, they flick the rubber-band a couple of times.

 

Others say "STOP" aloud and then take 10 slow deep breaths. Some people (when at home) lie on their bed and start counting backwards from 1100.

 

What routine would you like to put in place, whenever you feel yourself becoming overwhelmingly anxious? You may have your own ideas. Remember there is absolutely no benefit whatsoever in going into a mental loop. You can't think straight and it puts an enormous strain on your body.

 

Deci

[Deciduous]

Another question...

 

Is the counsellor you are seeing a therapist or a liscensed Psychiatrist? Which have you signed up for?

[MattW]

What routine would you like to put in place, whenever you feel yourself becoming overwhelmingly anxious? You may have your own ideas. Remember there is absolutely no benefit whatsoever in going into a mental loop. You can't think straight and it puts an enormous strain on your body.

 

I guess it makes sense that I have some sort of "anxiety". To be honest, I've always been a bit of a chronic "worrier". I can rarely live in the moment, as they say; I'm always thinking about what's coming next, and typically preparing myself for the worst. Whenever I go somewhere or do something, even if it's something I've done a million times (like work, class, interning, going to the store, going to get a haircut, watch a movie, read a book, play a video game, etc.), I always initially feel "nervous" about it. It's like I constantly think "What if this happens, what if that happens, am I wasting time doing this, should I spend this time doing something else, am I going to be able to get this other thing done today...?" and so on and so forth. And when I'm not thinking about those things, my mind is racing back and forth through my loneliness, my desire to be out with friends or out with a girlfriend, my feelings for this girl, my frustration over why she likes other guys instead of me, my crappy family situation, how hopeless I feel about the future, etc. I mean, it's not a problem in the sense that it doesn't stop me from focusing or concentrating on whatever I'm doing, it's just that all this stuff is constantly racing through the back of my mind, so it's difficult to really enjoy anything because in the back of my head, I'm wondering if the thing I'm doing at the time is a waste of time, or I'm thinking about how lonely I am, or I'm wondering what the girl I like is doing right now and wishing I could be there with her, or whatever.

 

Another question...

 

Is the counsellor you are seeing a therapist or a liscensed Psychiatrist? Which have you signed up for?

 

Yanno, come to think of it, I'm not entirely sure. Looking at her business card she gave me, after her name it says "MA, LPCC, NCC", but I don't really know what any of those things mean. Is there a difference, either way?

[Batya33]

Yanno, come to think of it, I'm not entirely sure. Looking at her business card she gave me, after her name it says "MA, LPCC, NCC", but I don't really know what any of those things mean. Is there a difference, either way?

 

You can do the research on that -but it sounds like she's a therapist. A psychiatrist is a medical doctor who can prescribe medication. She probably cannot.

[Deciduous]

I guess it makes sense that I have some sort of "anxiety". To be honest, I've always been a bit of a chronic "worrier". I can rarely live in the moment, as they say; I'm always thinking about what's coming next, and typically preparing myself for the worst.

 

Hi Matt,

 

Good. I'm glad you recognise that. So what actions can you put in place, when you are feeling particularly overwhelmed. How will you slow the train of thought in future?

 

Yanno, come to think of it, I'm not entirely sure. Looking at her business card she gave me, after her name it says "MA, LPCC, NCC", but I don't really know what any of those things mean. Is there a difference, either way?

 

Actually there is. Therapists are able to provide counselling but not medication. Whereas, Psychiatrist will be able to assess mental health issues and prescribe medication where necessary. (At least that is how it works in the UK) This is really something you need clarify with your therapist.

 

When are you meeting next?

 

Deci

[MattW]

Good. I'm glad you recognise that. So what actions can you put in place, when you are feeling particularly overwhelmed. How will you slow the train of thought in future?

 

Good question. I haven't had much luck finding anything that can have any effect on me that way, and my mind is constantly working that way so often that I'd need to be resorting to that action all the time, really. Listening to music can kinda calm me down, but A) I can't listen to music all the time, and B) often times, song lyrics will remind me (sometimes even in the most subtlest, dumbest ways) of one or more of the thoughts/ feelings that live in the back of my mind, and that creates a bit of a domino effect in my mind.

 

When are you meeting next?

 

I don't know yet. She told me she only really has availability on Mondays and Thursdays; tomorrow morning, I have to take my mom to a doctor's appointment, then I have to go to work in the evening, and Thursday, I have class in the morning and I'm interning in the evening. Personally, I'd still rather find a new person to go to, but it's so tough to find someone and know whether or not they're generally reputable or not.

[penelope13]

- What do you have to lose by giving medication a try? - You don't have to understand how it works, just know it's helping millions of people

 

- even if you don't believe that therapy and/or medication could help you for ever - isn't a temporary help more attractive than remaining in this misery? Each day that you would be happy is one day more than currently of no happy days.

 

- I think you are hiding behind some labels without critically questioning yourself if those labels are applicable, so that you don't have to make any changes.

 

Some examples:

- you call this girl 'the perfect' girl, although she is oscillating between exes who may not be the 'nicest' characters.

- you perceive yourself as logical: I assume your thought patterns make sense to you, but I fail to see the logic in not making any changes, but miraculously hoping for a different outcome

- you go to your first therapy session (great), but you are not even aware if it's a therapist or a psychiatrist - that is not a smart/mature way to go about something that potentially can make a huge impact on your life

- 'overthinking' and 'analyzing' are 2 entirely different things (although many people seem to think it's one and the same)

 

Listen, I'm not trying to talk you down. But you have to be a bit more self aware and you have to stop with rejecting every suggested advice 'because you can't see how it might help'.

 

We have been over the reasons of why you should do something different a thousand times. Nobody can make that initial decision and commitment to change except YOU.

 

So, unless you want to start discussing what you are trying to do different and how to go about it -I'm not engaging anymore in the rehashing of the old stuff anymore. You can just read through your threads.

 

Continuing in this vicious cycle of going over the same things again and again is just giving you a false sense of a social life instead of you trying to start connecting with people in real life

 

Good luck with everything

[blueidealist24]

Treating your depression (which is actually more anxiety, I think, judging from your later post) maybe won't make you find more women attractive but it may make more women find YOU attractive. If you're more happy people will just be drawn to you and most importantly, you'll be able to sell what you DO have to offer in a better way. You won't seem as "boring," if that is really how people see you now. Granted, I know you have those few physical flaws, your height can't be helped, although I wouldn't describe you as looking like a CHILD from the pic I saw. But you can change what you can change. I have to admit, your height may have had something to do with the fact that the girl from work rejected you (IIRC, you said she was 5'5"), but there are quite a few girls out there who are 5'1" or less. I know you said you won't be attracted to very many of them, since you're not attracted to very many girls at all, but by becoming more happy and then naturally selling yourself better as a consequence, you're at least widening the pool of women who might want to date you. I'm not someone who thinks medication is the best for everyone and I actually think it's overused these days, but you definitely should continue going to this therapist and taking her suggestions even if they seem lame and silly at first.

[MattW]

- What do you have to lose by giving medication a try? - You don't have to understand how it works, just know it's helping millions of people

 

Well, I'm embarrassed to say this, but I cannot swallow pills. I don't even take aspirins, or stuff, because I just can't swallow pills. Beyond that, I think it would kinda bother me to know that I have to rely on medication to get by.

 

- even if you don't believe that therapy and/or medication could help you for ever - isn't a temporary help more attractive than remaining in this misery? Each day that you would be happy is one day more than currently of no happy days.

 

"Temporary" good usually only leads to more intense bad later on. Case in point, I spent the last several years not thinking about dating, not getting close to anyone. Then I allowed myself to fall for the girl from work because I thought I had a real shot with her, and in that brief time period, I felt better than I've ever felt. Then after she turned me down, all I've been able to think about is how lonely I am and how much I crave intimacy with another person. I went from feeling indifferent and unattached, to completely elated, to feeling worse than I've ever felt, and I haven't recovered. In this case, that temporary happiness wasn't worth it. I almost wish I never met this girl to begin with. So, if anything, I feel like "temporary happiness" would only lead to me feeling worse once it ends.

 

Some examples:

- you call this girl 'the perfect' girl, although she is oscillating between exes who may not be the 'nicest' characters.

 

When I say that, I'm talking about qualities that I find personally attractive. In a lot of ways, she and I are like "kindred spirits". That's what I want in a partner, I just can't ever seem to find anyone that gets even close to that. I won't deny that she has her share of flaws and possibly her own set of personal issues that cause her to make questionable choices romantically, but still.

 

- you perceive yourself as logical: I assume your thought patterns make sense to you, but I fail to see the logic in not making any changes, but miraculously hoping for a different outcome

 

Well, yeah, I wouldn't disagree with that. My "logical thinking", though, tends to look ahead and attempt to be predictive. It's less about refusing to change and more about me having analyzed rhetorical situations in my head, and knowing exactly how I would behave in those situations. For example, people have occasionally suggested I try link removed; in my line of thinking, this is what I see: I find an event to attend on link removed, and I go, but because I don't know anyone there, I just keep to myself. I sit by myself, I'm just kinda "there". I'm not the type of person that can just dive into a group of strangers, and walk up to some random person I don't know, introduce myself, and start a conversation. Assuming nobody approaches me (and why would they?), that's exactly what would happen if I attended an event through link removed. That's not me refusing to try something new, that's me knowing exactly how I'll behave in that situation (negatively), and arriving at the conclusion that it wouldn't be worth the time and effort if I don't get out of it what you're supposed to get out of it.

 

- you go to your first therapy session (great), but you are not even aware if it's a therapist or a psychiatrist - that is not a smart/mature way to go about something that potentially can make a huge impact on your life

 

I've told you guys again and again that I don't understand how any of that stuff works, and clearly, I didn't even realize there was a difference between "therapist" or "psychiatrist". How was I supposed to know? Everyone just keeps pushing me to seek professional help, but why did no one think to help educate me at least a little bit on the matter? I didn't even know there was anything to educate myself on or do research on. I just assumed it was all the same.

 

So, unless you want to start discussing what you are trying to do different and how to go about it -I'm not engaging anymore in the rehashing of the old stuff anymore. You can just read through your threads.

 

I do want to, I just can't figure out anything I can do differently that I can actually see working for me.

[penelope13]

I've told you guys again and again that I don't understand how any of that stuff works, and clearly, I didn't even realize there was a difference between "therapist" or "psychiatrist". How was I supposed to know? Everyone just keeps pushing me to seek professional help, but why did no one think to help educate me at least a little bit on the matter? I didn't even know there was anything to educate myself on or do research on. I just assumed it was all the same.

 

Seriously? You are blaming people for not educating you?

 

You claim to be a smart, analytical person - use those skills, read, google ,make yourself knowledgeable, or ask questions.

 

You are an adult, the responsibility is with you to find out and figure out what there is to know. You can ask questions, but don't expect anyone to hold your hands and do the thinking for you.

 

 

And btw: people DID tell you there are different types of therapist, styles of therapy etc. many people told you that it might take some time to 'shop around' till you would find the right fit with the right therapist and the right style - long before you even went to your first session.

[MattW]

Sorry. I didn't mean for that to sound as "rude" as it did. All I meant was, people talked about the different styles of therapy, but as I understood it, that was just something the therapist/ psychiatrist would figure out with you once they're working with you. I just never got the impression from anyone here that there was a significant need to research it, or anything like that. I apologize for sounding as though I was blaming anyone for not helping me, but at the same time, I think it's a tad unfair to put me down for not having done more research when I wasn't even aware there was a need TO do research.

[penelope13]

You have to stop assuming that you have all the knowledge in the world and start researching things even when you believe you know it all. The internet makes it really easy to gather information, so there are really no excuses (sorry to be harsh!).

 

I'm not trying to put you down, but to wake you up from your complacency and your eternal throwing up your hands in the air and playing the victim. This is YOUR life, so start taking responsibility for it.

[bulletproof]

 

 

It's less about refusing to change and more about me having analyzed rhetorical situations in my head, and knowing exactly how I would behave in those situations.

 

That's not me refusing to try something new, that's me knowing exactly how I'll behave in that situation (negatively), and arriving at the conclusion that it wouldn't be worth the time and effort if I don't get out of it what you're supposed to get out of it.

 

No, you are refusing to change. That is one truth we can establish here. You can deny it all you want, build illogical circular arguments all you want, but in the end, you are refusing to change. At the very least admit that, because I'm not sure you can go much further in terms of healing yourself if you don't.

 

If you know how you plan to behave, you have the chance to change it. Your passivity is monumental. Life is not just "happening" to you. You are making all the choices that influence what type of life you have, to an extraordinary degree. That is not to say that life does not sometimes throw a curve ball, but even those situations can be manipulated.

[MattW]

No, you are refusing to change. That is one truth we can establish here. You can deny it all you want, build illogical circular arguments all you want, but in the end, you are refusing to change. At the very least admit that, because I'm not sure you can go much further in terms of healing yourself if you don't.

 

Eh... Fine. I won't deny that there's at least a part of me that is extremely resistant to change.

 

I have to say, though, I think I don't really understand what, exactly, needs to change, and what the best, most effective way to carry that change out would be.

[Deciduous]

Eh... Fine. I won't deny that there's at least a part of me that is extremely resistant to change.

 

I have to say, though, I think I don't really understand what, exactly, needs to change, and what the best, most effective way to carry that change out would be.

 

Your not serious...