Journaling my "personal growth"

[blueidealist24]

Do you live in an unsafe city, or are you generally afraid of wandering around by yourself? Just wondering, because I thought I remembered you mentioning that you lived in an urban area, but you also said you'd be afraid of driving at one point too..

[blueidealist24]

*er, you WERE afraid of driving

[MattW]

You just don't want to put in any work for making changes, so you come up with every imaginable excuse under the sky

 

What excuse? I mean, I'll give you for the volunteering thing, but I said I was looking into purchasing a treadmill, when it comes to the whole "exercising" thing. How is that an excuse? That's more me looking for an alternative way to do something.

 

Hi Matt,

 

I'm confused. Are we going for the emotional castration or are we veto-ing it? One way to start the process, is by limiting your emotional interactions, with humans. The less you socialise, the less possibility of emotional interaction.

 

You've already put some of those steps in place.

 

What are you asking here? How to ramp up that strategy? Or the benefits and pitfalls? The upshot is emotional safety. The downside, loniliness. It depends what your priority is. Emotional safety or human interaction.

 

The only issue is, these types of people always seem to end up going beserk in McDonalds, which is why society discourages isolation. Always seems to work out bad for us in the community.

 

I guess, if "Emotional Isolation" were a drug marketed by a pharmceutical company, it probably would have been banned, due to the unfortunate side-effects of;

 

Depersonalisation

Diminished language skills

Psychosis

Suicide

 

Etc, etc, etc

 

Matt, if you are looking to cut your emotions, why are you in therapy??? What do you hope to gain. There seems to a contradiction here. You don't want to feel, yet you go into therapy. You don't want to interact and socialise with humans, yet you start a blog here.

 

To me, seems you do want to connect, (your actions state as much) in fact, you are desperate to connect, but lack the life skills to do so. However, if you are serious about disconnecting, you can also use your energy to hone this skill.

 

Either can be learnt at this point in your life.

 

Your choice does not affect any one of us here. So I am willing to teach you either.

 

Deci

 

Honestly, I'm very "confused", in general. I guess I don't really know what I want. Let me lay it out like this:

 

I want, so badly, to be able to find love, as well as have some semblance of a social life. However, I'm completely convinced that neither of those things (especially the former) are possible for me. On some level, that only makes me want them more. On one hand, I want to "fix" myself and be able to have those things, but I believe so strongly that that's not possible, that I can't help but contemplate whether I'd be better off by simply "turning everything off".

 

Do you live in an unsafe city, or are you generally afraid of wandering around by yourself? Just wondering, because I thought I remembered you mentioning that you lived in an urban area, but you also said you'd be afraid of driving at one point too..

 

A mix of both, I guess. Heck, a few years ago, the mailman that had delivered the mail for the past ten or so years was shot and killed just a little ways down the street I live on.

 

The driving thing, I'm not really sure what that is. I think it was just a combination of being terrified of car accidents, and of the responsibility of operating a large mechanical contraption. Either way, I'm glad that's in the past.

[Deciduous]

I want, so badly, to be able to find love, as well as have some semblance of a social life. However, I'm completely convinced that neither of those things (especially the former) are possible for me. On some level, that only makes me want them more. On one hand, I want to "fix" myself and be able to have those things, but I believe so strongly that that's not possible, that I can't help but contemplate whether I'd be better off by simply "turning everything off".

 

Hi Matt,

 

If you believe without a doubt, you will be unable to secure a romantic relationship or friendship - then it has become a fact. It will be your reality. This will undoubtedly happen. So I will ask again. Do you want to hone your skills to learn how to cut yourself off emotionally? Or do you want to learn how to connect with humans?

 

They are equally difficult. They take hard work.

 

Each skill will take time to learn - and be comfortable with. Each one will take determination to master. So which one would you like to master? Each have positives and each have pitfalls. Which one would you like to give your time and effort to?

 

You also have the choice of staying exactly where you are, (which also has benefits and pitfalls) If this is what you wish (which is absolutely your right) then let us state that.

 

A decision needs to be made between the three choices. Wouldn't you agree? For the benefit of the folks on this blog, which one would you like to commit to.

 

a) Stay as you are

b) Learn skills to emotionally disconnect

c) Learn skills to emotionally connect

 

 

Deci

[MattW]

I really don't know, I'm afraid. Like I said, I'm very confused as to what I want. v_v

[Deciduous]

I really don't know, I'm afraid. Like I said, I'm very confused as to what I want. v_v

 

Okay, Matt,

 

Let's go back a bit. When you set this journal up...

 

1. What did you want this journal to be about?

 

2. You talk about personal growth. In fact you call it "Journalling my personal growth." Talk us through it. How do you see that growth? What does that mean in practical terms.

 

Deci

[MattW]

Well, of course I WANT the most optimal result for myself, I WANT to work through my issues and become a better person and have the things I want to have. I made this because I hoped to chart that progress. Yet, I still just simply don't have faith. I don't have faith in myself to become that better person, I don't have faith in myself to find people I connect with, I don't have faith in people that they'll have mutual interest in me, I don't have faith in the world to give me the "right place, right time" moments I need. That lack of faith is what makes me question what's really worth my time. This disconnect is why I'm perpetually stuck in this "limbo" I trapped myself in.

[Batya33]

My suggestion -cut out the abstractions and describe your personal growth in very specific concrete terms. For example "today I walked briskly for 20 minutes and felt confident about a conversation I had with a co-worker".

[Deciduous]

This disconnect is why I'm perpetually stuck in this "limbo" I trapped myself in.

 

And bingo...we already have made progress...

 

stuck in this "limbo" I trapped myself in.

 

Already you have taken ownership. Angels are singing, harps are being played, Sprites are dancing. We on move to stage two. Next question. What are you willing to give, what are you willing to do...to bring yourself out of limbo. Let's forget about faith, belief, positive thinking, the baby Jesus, etc - for a minute.

 

I'm not that bothered if you don't believe in it all. To be honest I'm just interested in your actions.

 

Today, tomorrow, this week...what are you willing to put in. If this answer is "Nothing," then say nothing. Say, "It's a waste of my time and therefore, I commit nothing."

 

Which you are perfectly entitled to do. The Ambition Police will not drop through your ceiling demanding you you go on a strict march of personal improvement. You will not be incarcerated. Like I said, nobody cares...nobody will force you.

 

And if this is the case, then congratulations, you would have made a choice. You will be choosing door number a)

 

a) Stay as you are

b) Learn skills to emotionally disconnect

c) Learn skills to emotionally connect

 

 

What ever you do, it is a choice. There is no such thing as a non-choice. Doing nothing is a valid choice. Heck, many people go with that choice everday and good luck to them. "Doing Nothing" takes an inordinate amount of commitment, faith and drive. It requires an enormous amount of focus and energy to Do Nothing. It only seems easy after a bit, because it has become a habit. But make no mistake, it takes dedication. You have to be absolutely committed to dodging opportunities which may take you away from this goal. You have to have faith in that choice.

 

In other words, you have to have faith in your "Lack of Faith" You have to focus on it, you need to meditate on it. You need to live it. It needs commitment. All three of these choices need commitment, in terms of your actions. So what would you like to choose for the next 7 days? What actions do you intend to commit to? a) b) or c)

 

Remember. Every choice is absolutely valid and of no consequence to any-one else. Nations will not crumble.

 

Deci

[penelope13]

I agree: you should reduce all your thoughts to the question: What am I going to DO TODAY?

 

Anything else (including plans of action in the future without having taken steps today to put them into action) are excuses for not having taken any actions today.

 

People can waste years with planning without any follow through

[MattW]

The thing is, I just don't know what action to take, what I could be doing day-to-day to get what I want. Okay, go on walks, think of good things that happened in the day, that's fine and dandy, but stuff like that just doesn't make me feel like I'm getting anywhere.

[blueidealist24]

 

A mix of both, I guess. Heck, a few years ago, the mailman that had delivered the mail for the past ten or so years was shot and killed just a little ways down the street I live on.

 

The driving thing, I'm not really sure what that is. I think it was just a combination of being terrified of car accidents, and of the responsibility of operating a large mechanical contraption. Either way, I'm glad that's in the past.

 

It's too bad about where you live. Being a bit afraid every time you go outside can't really do wonders for your psyche.

[penelope13]

The thing is, I just don't know what action to take, what I could be doing day-to-day to get what I want. Okay, go on walks, think of good things that happened in the day, that's fine and dandy, but stuff like that just doesn't make me feel like I'm getting anywhere.

 

Really? After all the advice you have received you continue to say "I don't know what to do"?

 

You do understand that change will not happen overnight, that it is a process to which you must fully commit if you hope to succeed one day abd that it is not an easy process? Rome was not build in a day.

[Deciduous]

The thing is, I just don't know what action to take, what I could be doing day-to-day to get what I want. Okay, go on walks, think of good things that happened in the day, that's fine and dandy, but stuff like that just doesn't make me feel like I'm getting anywhere.

 

Hi Matt,

 

Excellent! So already you have made your decision for the next 7 days.

 

In other words, you have to have faith in your "Lack of Faith" You have to focus on it, you need to meditate on it. You need to live it. It needs commitment. All three of these choices need commitment, in terms of your actions. So what would you like to choose for the next 7 days? What actions do you intend to commit to? a) b) or c)

 

A decision needs to be made between the three choices. Wouldn't you agree? For the benefit of the folks on this blog, which one would you like to commit to.

 

a) Stay as you are

b) Learn skills to emotionally disconnect

c) Learn skills to emotionally connect

 

You are going with a) Take ownership of it.

 

but stuff like that just doesn't make me feel like I'm getting anywhere.

 

If stuff like that doesn't make you feel like you are going anywhere - then don't do it. Remember, you have to work hard at this goal to stay the same. The best way to do this is to do exactly what you have been doing for the past three years.

 

You've made your choice, so now let us make the commitment. You can you do it, Matt? Are you up for the challenge of staying the same, by doing exactly the same things that got you here.

 

This is what you have choosen for the next 7 days and we shall support you in this endeveour. Are you ready to get started?

 

Deci

[Weeblie]

My suggestion -cut out the abstractions and describe your personal growth in very specific concrete terms. For example "today I walked briskly for 20 minutes and felt confident about a conversation I had with a co-worker".

 

+1

And get started already.

[MattW]

Really? After all the advice you have received you continue to say "I don't know what to do"?

 

To be honest, it's been so long, and there have been so many posts, I can barely even remember any advice beyond the standard "Go places, do things, be an interesting person!" advice, but if I knew how to do any of those things, I wouldn't be where I am right now. "Going places" and "doing things" don't help me much when I don't know where I'd want to go or what I'd want to do, and simply going places and doing things won't necessarily make me more interesting to others. I'm socially inept. Even if I knew where to go or what activities to do, that still doesn't make me less inept.

 

Why do we constantly gloss over the fact I presented before, that I've been in more than enough scenarios to meet people, make friends, and date, over the last several years? It's not like I've been living under a rock all my life. High school, 40+ different classes at community college, the school I'm at now, working, interning... My issues clearly have nothing to do with the amount of people I come into contact with, it's just me.

 

You do understand that change will not happen overnight, that it is a process to which you must fully commit if you hope to succeed one day abd that it is not an easy process? Rome was not build in a day.

 

Yeah, I know. I'm trying to keep that in mind, believe me. It's just very frustrating. I'm at a point where I'm so very eager for the results, that having to wait longer, and take little tiny steps towards them is hard to keep in perspective.

[penelope13]

To be honest, it's been so long, and there have been so many posts, I can barely even remember any advice

 

 

the advantage of ENA is that YOU can reread all threads and posts.

 

Please - don't expect other people to do all the work for you. People have given you multiple times very concrete step-by-step pointers of what you can do, but you just gloss over those things (to use your own phrase), because you just want to continue your song of 'I'm so miserable, I don't want to make any changes, why am I still not successful in my endeavors?'

 

Go through your threads, copy and past the posts which give you concrete guidelines into a separate document- and start with ONE of them.

[Deciduous]

Hi Matt,

 

Yeah, yeah, yeah, blah, blah, blah. Honestly it's like talking to a politician. Cut to the chase. What did you do today?

 

Did you do

 

a) The same things as always (i.e. no change in activities and thought processes)

b) A change in routine to facilitate emotional growth (the walk, the gratitude, conmited journelling on here to reflect on your feelings and thought processes etc)

c) A change in routine to facilitate emotional shut down (went out of your way to avoid interaction with people)

 

Just pick. No long winded story. Was it a) b) or c)???

 

 

Deci

[MattW]

the advantage of ENA is that YOU can reread all threads and posts.

 

Please - don't expect other people to do all the work for you. People have given you multiple times very concrete step-by-step pointers of what you can do, but you just gloss over those things (to use your own phrase), because you just want to continue your song of 'I'm so miserable, I don't want to make any changes, why am I still not successful in my endeavors?'

 

Go through your threads, copy and past the posts which give you concrete guidelines into a separate document- and start with ONE of them.

 

I didn't mean it like that, I just... If somebody had said something that would've resonated with me, seemed like something I felt like I could do, I would've remembered it.

 

Hi Matt,

 

Yeah, yeah, yeah, blah, blah, blah. Honestly it's like talking to a politician. Cut to the chase. What did you do today?

 

Did you do

 

a) The same things as always (i.e. no change in activities and thought processes)

b) A change in routine to facilitate emotional growth (the walk, the gratitude, conmited journelling on here to reflect on your feelings and thought processes etc)

c) A change in routine to facilitate emotional shut down (went out of your way to avoid interaction with people)

 

Just pick. No long winded story. Was it a) b) or c)???

 

I guess if you want to get technical, I guess you could say C. I planned to intern today, but decided to just stay in, instead. Although, it wasn't about avoiding people, specifically, I just didn't feel like it, didn't really have the energy.

[Angler]

I didn't mean it like that, I just... If somebody had said something that would've resonated with me, seemed like something I felt like I could do, I would've remembered it.

 

I guess if you want to get technical, I guess you could say C. I planned to intern today, but decided to just stay in, instead. Although, it wasn't about avoiding people, specifically, I just didn't feel like it, didn't really have the energy.

 

I think at this point, the suggestions don't really need to resonate, because your mindset is so discordant with your apparent goals. It doesn't have to make sense...if you're able, do it. Just do something, anything, different.

 

Did you leave home today? Did you go for a walk?

[MattW]

I think at this point, the suggestions don't really need to resonate, because your mindset is so discordant with your apparent goals. It doesn't have to make sense...if you're able, do it. Just do something, anything, different.

 

Did you leave home today? Did you go for a walk?

 

I went to class, then I drove somewhere to get myself some lunch. That's about it.

[Deciduous]

I guess if you want to get technical, I guess you could say C. I planned to intern today, but decided to just stay in, instead. Although, it wasn't about avoiding people, specifically, I just didn't feel like it, didn't really have the energy.

 

Bloomin 'eck, luv. You caught me off guard there. I honestly didn't think you would answer the question. Okay, good, at least you owned it. You took responsibility for the choice you made. I can respect that.

 

It's when people say that these things are magically happening to thier lives, that I get bored.

 

You made a choice. Today it was option c) Fair enough. After a few weeks we are going to see a pattern. That is the point of this journal. It helps us acknowlege patterns and the overall path we are taking.

 

 

a) The same things as always (i.e. no change in activities and thought processes)

b) A change in routine to facilitate emotional growth (the walk, the gratitude, conmited journelling on here to reflect on your feelings and thought processes etc)

c) A change in routine to facilitate emotional shut down (went out of your way to avoid interaction with people)

 

That pattern will probably be a good indicator of where you will be this time next year. You've called this thread Journalling my "personal growth" Already there is growth, because you are becoming aware that you are making decisions. And you are acknowledging what the decision is.

 

Each morning the clock resets and you start with a choice. To me it doesn't matter which choice you make. I make no judgement. Who am I to judge you? This is simply a mirror, that leads to a bit of self-knowledge. (If that is what you want) What you do with that information is entirely up to you.

 

You started this journal on the 28th

 

11-28-13 - Option A

11-29-13 - Option C) with a bit of b cause you journalled your thoughts and day here.

 

So what is the plan for tomorrow?

 

11-30-13.

 

It doesn't matter if you stick to it. I just wondered how you are planning it in your head right now. And tomorrow we will see if you are right. How do you see the day unfolding? I also wondered whether you were on medication for depression or have ever been diagnosed with clinical depression. (If so, then that will obviously need to take precedent over this journal - If you are currently dealing with a mental health issue, then this is not the time to start journalling. That illness will need to be sorted out first)

 

Deci

[MattW]

What am I going to do tomorrow? I'm going to go to class in the morning, then I'm going to have a quick snack and leave for work.

 

I'll be working tomorrow with the girl I'm completely crazy about, so I'll spend the entire time thinking of ways to put a smile on her face, while at the same time, wishing so badly we could be in each other's lives, wishing I could date her, spend time with her, kiss her...

 

Then work will be over, I'll get myself some dinner, come home, watch something, and then go to bed.

[penelope13]

what are you going to do with the rest of your day?

[MattW]

I... pretty much laid out what I'm going to do with my day tomorrow. I'm not sure what you're asking?