Journaling my "personal growth"

[penelope13]

Look, instead of watching tv, you could have decided to read through your old threads and extract any of the suggestions that were given to you. Or you could decide that you are starting to make a list of things that you want to work on/ challenge yourself to/ things you would like to tackle in the next week.

 

My point: you can start making a chance any time, any day - starting with this very moment. Stop procrastinating.

 

but whatever I say (or anybody else) you have decided not to do anything anyway and just keep complaining about the state of your life.

[Deciduous]

What am I going to do tomorrow? I'm going to go to class in the morning, then I'm going to have a quick snack and leave for work.

 

I'll be working tomorrow with the girl I'm completely crazy about, so I'll spend the entire time thinking of ways to put a smile on her face, while at the same time, wishing so badly we could be in each other's lives, wishing I could date her, spend time with her, kiss her...

 

Then work will be over, I'll get myself some dinner, come home, watch something, and then go to bed.

 

Hello there Matt,

 

I could really hear the depth of despair, when I read the above. It is a torturous situation. A part of me wonders why this massively, painful issue hasn't been highlighted before.

 

Something like this encapulates where you are at emotionally. For us, it is key to understanding where you are at, right now. Your feelings for this girl has magnified your feelings of despair. And the futility of hoping for love.

 

Basically she embodies every fear that you have about not being worthy of love.

 

What has happened so far with her? She is big part of this journey and a big part of your emotional thoughts. Lets start with this.

 

How can we look at changing your perceptions, when you are dealing with a heartbreak and a massive sense of rejection. I feel we've started this thread in the middle of the movie - and we need to go back a bit.

 

There are very real feelings of hurt here. And yes, I'm curious as to why you haven't expressed yourself, to the depth that you've expressed in the post above. Here we are post #52.

 

This is also where you need to start with your therapist. Did you mention this situation to her?

 

Deci

[penelope13]

^ you may want to check out his previous threads, he has written in detail about this girl

[Deciduous]

^ you may want to check out his previous threads, he has written in detail about this girl

 

Many thanks penelope13,

 

I hear what you are saying, but hopefully Matt can give us a potted history, on his journal here - because a key part of the narrative is missing.

 

That situation ties directly into his current sense of despair. And that particular situation is on-going. It is current. You cannot treat one issue (his sense of despair) without looking at the other (unrequited love/rejection) I don't see how that is possible. Matt, do you feel that is it possible to feel confident about love whilst simultaneously experiencing a sense of rejection on a day to day basis.

 

This is all part of your emotional journey. - Deci

[MattW]

I was gonna say, like penelope did, that I've written quite a lot about this girl over time. But I'll catch you up to speed, Deci.

 

This girl and I started kindling something last year, over the summer. We hit it off amazingly well, and I discovered that she was everything I ever dreamed of in a girl (but never thought I'd actually find). It really seemed like there was mutual interest there, and that possibility gave me enough confidence to overcome one of my biggest fears before I asked her out. But when the time came for me to ask her out, she turned me down. We still work together, and since then, I learned of two other coworkers she dated in the past (one before I liked her, one at the beginning of this year). Both ended up cheating on her. Things between me and her have been up and down since she turned me down. They had started going downhill after I asked her out, and they hit rock bottom when she started dating the other guy. When she broke up with him, she started being nicer to me, and we've gotten back on better terms. But she's become super close with the other ex, the one that still works with us, and I suspect she may even be seeing him again.

 

It's been a roller coaster of emotion for me. Prior to her, I had given up on finding anyone, and then there she was, the best girl I could've ever hoped for. And then she didn't want me. And then I've had to sit by and watch her mingle with guys that end up cheating on her and/ or mistreating her. I've gotten brief flirtatious little moments with her that always leave me wanting more, but I know that that's not an option. I have such a great time around her, but deep down, I'm always wanting more, wishing we could be more than just "coworkers". On top of that, I have to deal with the fact that, in the next few months, there's a very good chance one or both of us will find a new job and leave, and we'll never see each other again. I guess this will help me "move on" a little better, but it also makes me extremely sad, because out of the last several years, this is the only girl that's come along that I've REALLY felt a connection with. I'm romantically "starved", and the world teased me with the finest "meal" I've ever seen, but I couldn't have it. Now I have to go back to having nothing with anyone, and living with the fact that it'll probably be years before I meet a girl I like even half as much as this one, and who knows if that rhetorical girl will be any more receptive to dating me than this one was?

 

I did briefly touch on this subject with the therapist, but it was really a fairly quick overview.

[Deciduous]

Hi Matt,

 

Many thanks for your honesty. In other words, this young lady (and for gawd's sake, please give her a codename, cause I'm sure she will be appearing a lot) has become the poster child & logo, of the rejection from love you are feeling inside.

 

She is not the cause (those feelings were there before) just an outward manifestation.

 

So in terms of healing and repairing your belief in love, I honestly don't see how that will be possible whilst you remain in such a pain-filled excruciating situation. We can't look at the internal, because there is such a massive and absorbing external issue going on. It gives you no room to grieve and reflect, because the situation is on-going.

 

How do you see it?

 

In regards to doing your walks and gratitude mantras, I think that is rather like moving the deck chairs on the titanic, whilst simultaneously keeping on route for the iceberg. (Yes, it might be a good idea to shift the deck chairs, if they are blocking corridors, but we definitely need to deal with the ice-berg as a priority.)

 

I'm romantically "starved", and the world teased me with the finest "meal" I've ever seen, but I couldn't have it. Now I have to go back to having nothing with anyone, and living with the fact that it'll probably be years before I meet a girl I like even half as much as this one, and who knows if that rhetorical girl will be any more receptive to dating me than this one was

 

...And whilst your nose is pressed against the window of this particular restuarant (one that refuses to serve you) it become impossible to check the other bistros on the same street, in time.

 

I do not mean to diminish your feelings for this girl. They are very real and very strong. You are in love with her. She is unavailable. A fact you are reminded of every single day you walk into work.

 

How would you advise a person to proceed in these circumstances?

 

Deci

[bulletproof]

Many thanks penelope13,

 

I hear what you are saying, but hopefully Matt can give us a potted history, on his journal here - because a key part of the narrative is missing.

 

That situation ties directly into his current sense of despair. And that particular situation is on-going. It is current. You cannot treat one issue (his sense of despair) without looking at the other (unrequited love/rejection) I don't see how that is possible. Matt, do you feel that is it possible to feel confident about love whilst simultaneously experiencing a sense of rejection on a day to day basis.

 

This is all part of your emotional journey. - Deci

 

That's fine, but rehashing something countless times can also prolong the feelings associated with an unhealthy obsession. While it may be related to the sense of despair the o.p. feels, it is not the cause of it.

[Weeblie]

In regards to doing your walks and gratitude mantras, I think that is rather like moving the deck chairs on the titanic, whilst simultaneously keeping on route for the iceberg. (Yes, it might be a good idea to shift the deck chairs, if they are blocking corridors, but we definitely need to deal with the ice-berg as a priority.)

 

Except, he's not on the titanic and she's not an iceberg, not even figuratively.

 

@Matt, have you started the walks and nightly lists yet?

[Deciduous]

That's fine, but rehashing something co

untless times can also prolong the feelings associated with an unhealthy obsession.

 

Very true, Bulletproof.

 

But the route to healing - and change - is not to supress the issue and ignore it. Unhealthy obsessions are a result of not discovering the psychological causes that lie beneath. One remains on the surface of the issue, (focusing on the external manifestation) going round in circles.

 

Or one tries to supress those feelings. How does this support healing? How does one heal what one does not feel? I am interested to know your views. I'm not being snide, just talk me through this.

 

While it may be related to the sense of despair the o.p. feels, it is not the cause of it.

 

Very, very true. Which is why I wrote in my last post;

 

"She is not the cause (those feelings were there before) just an outward manifestation. So in terms of healing and repairing your belief in love, I honestly don't see how that will be possible whilst you remain in such a pain-filled excruciating situation. We can't look at the internal, because there is such a massive and absorbing external issue going on."

 

 

Except, he's not on the titanic and she's not an iceberg, not even figuratively

 

Interesting you say that. I think she is, figuratively speaking. In the same way, 10% of the ice-berg is on the surface - and 90%, underneath, this is precisely what she represents.

 

She is the outward manifestation of the problem. Which is why she is relevant. We need to look at the 90% that is going on under the surface, which is connected to the 10% that is her.

 

She is a reflection, a mirror of the deeper problem. I do not believe that deep and lasting change can be effected by avoiding the issue. This unrequited crush has come about because of what is occurring internally.

 

Not the other way round.

 

If you shut this course of dialogue down, (and have the OP going on healthy walks) it does not mean you've automatically relieved the core problem, the real "money" issue.

 

You've simply driven it underground. Like I said, "you can't heal, what you can't feel."

 

However, this is Mattw thread and what he says, goes.

 

I am willing to abid by that.

 

Deci

[bulletproof]

Very true, Bulletproof.

 

But the way to healing is not to supress the issue and ignore it. Unhealthy obsessions are a result of not discovering the psychological causes that lie beneath. One remains on the surface of the issue, (focusing on the external manifestation) going round in circles.

 

Or one tries to supress those feelings. How does this support healing? How does one heal what one does not feel. I am interested to know your views. I'm not being snide, just talk me through this.

 

I didn't say he shouldn't discuss the feelings associated with the situation. I said it's probably not in his best interest to rehash the factual details of the story over and over again on this message board or anywhere else. In my opinion, his telling the story reinforces his status as victim in his mind, because he will find one person willing to indulge him in it. What she said or he said or how they met is irrelevant at this point.

[Deciduous]

I didn't say he shouldn't discuss the feelings associated with the situation. I said it's probably not in his best interest to rehash the factual details of the story over and over again on this message board or anywhere else. In my opinion, his telling the story reinforces his status as victim in his mind, because he will find one person willing to indulge him in it. What she said or he said or how they met is irrelevant at this point.

 

We will have to agree to disagree. I hope the OP keeps us posted.

[MattW]

See, I think the "ongoing" nature of this definitely makes it a lot harder to not think about and move on from. Seeing her and talking to her at least a couple times a week ever since I fell for her last year is enough to keep me "holding on" to her. Every time I talk to her, I'm constantly reminded of why I fell for her in the first place, and I can't just not talk to her. Regardless of how much I work on my issues, as long as this girl has a presence in my life, I just can't see myself being able to let go of my feelings for her.

 

It's hard enough as it is, because (and I know I say this a lot, but it's true) she's so much of what I've always wanted to find in a girl. There's only ever been one other girl I had very intense feelings for, and to be honest, you can't even count that first girl, because I didn't like her for who she was (I liked her for who I wanted her to be, in my imagination). With this second girl, I've adored her for who she is, and that's a big deal to me. It really feels like I found my dream girl. It would be one thing if I met her, got rejected, and we went our separate ways, but to meet her, get rejected, and continue to know her for more than a year, while also having to watch her date other guys, that's like never-ending torture.

 

And on the other hand, the idea that she could find a new job at any time and just be gone completely, that terrifies me. I'm going to miss her more than I've ever missed anyone. What are the odds I'll ever find anyone like her again, let alone any time soon? And what are the odds I'll do any better next time? Every time I "scope out" women (even before I fell for this girl), I just never really feel a personal attraction. That's not to say I don't meet good women, but I just tend to not meet any that are good for me. We don't connect, our personalities don't mesh in that way, and I feel no attraction. Then there's this girl, who I connect with on pretty much every level. And now that I've met, it's going to be THAT much harder to NOT compare women to her in the future. Now that I've met my dream girl, I just can't look at women the same. I want someone like her, someone pretty much exactly like her, and I've known that even before I met this girl. I can't force myself to be attracted to something else, and I also don't want to end up settling for someone I don't really WANT to be with.

 

I don't disagree that this girl, herself, isn't the root of the issue. But I can pretty much tell you what the root of the issue is. Due to what I've seen, I've come to believe that the amount of women in the world that I can connect with on a more than platonic way is incredibly small, much smaller than that of the average person. This means I can go years without finding a girl I even want to go on a date with. And then when I do find a girl I'm attracted to, I'm not "good enough" for her, for one reason or another, and she doesn't share my attraction. I then have to wait several more years to maybe meet someone else, only to repeat the cycle again. Meanwhile, I grow more and more lonely and frustrated, and the desire to find love and mutual attraction becomes stronger and stronger. I met who I consider to be the perfect girl for me (within reason, of course), and I couldn't attract her to me. Now I have to sit by and be friendly with her while wishing I could have more, sit by and watch as she gives herself to other guys, sit by and wait for her to drift out of my life once and for all, and leave me wondering if I'll ever be able to find a girl that's even half as amazing as she was. It's just not a very good feeling at all, but there's really no way around it; that's the reality of the situation, and I just can't change the way I feel about any of it.

 

As for a "journal entry" today, the work day soured for me pretty fast. The ex of hers that still works with us (the one who she and him have been hanging all over each other for the last few months) came in on his day off and stayed for roughly two hours, talking to this girl in private. At one point, when I had a chance, I got a little nosy and asked him why he was hanging out at work on a Friday night on his day off (just in a casual way, not confrontational, or anything), and he gave me a reasoning that seemed legit enough, but still, I feel like he was there way longer than he needed to be. Once he finally left, the jealousy in me started to wind down, and I got to mingle a little bit with her, myself. Aside from me and her, there were two other employees working with us tonight. After the store closed, she allowed two of the three of us to leave, and I didn't mind staying, so she and I left together at the end; while walking to our cars, I casually asked her if she was doing anything fun tonight, and she said no, just working on stuff for her other part time job. I really wanted to suggest us grabbing something to eat, or getting drinks, or something, but I kept that to myself.

 

I really wish I could get her to hang out with me, even in just a platonic way, maybe lunch, or drinks, or whatever, but I'm just too scared to try for that, because I really have no idea where she stands. She has no problem getting lunch, drinks, whatever, with others, even her ex, but with me? I dunno. Back at the beginning of the year, when she had came to me about how things were weird between us, I had suggested to her that I wanted to have some sort of friendship with her outside of work, and she said that would be too weird (although, at the time we had this discussion, she had a boyfriend, who was apparently aware of things between us, but I didn't know she was seeing anyone when I said this to her). I don't know if that's changed or not, and I don't know how to find out. I just wish I could say "Hey, want to go get something to eat?", or whatever, and her to say "Sure", even if it's not a "date", or anything like that. I just wish I could have something with her.

 

That's fine, but rehashing something countless times can also prolong the feelings associated with an unhealthy obsession. While it may be related to the sense of despair the o.p. feels, it is not the cause of it.

 

I didn't say he shouldn't discuss the feelings associated with the situation. I said it's probably not in his best interest to rehash the factual details of the story over and over again on this message board or anywhere else. In my opinion, his telling the story reinforces his status as victim in his mind, because he will find one person willing to indulge him in it. What she said or he said or how they met is irrelevant at this point.

 

It's not that I don't see what you're saying. But this is a very difficult situation, and it's a situation I've never had to deal with before. I'm not proud of myself for being so attached to this girl, and I'm not happy with the fact that I feel like this girl was my "peak", so to speak. But having to see her again and again, and having to deal with the same scenarios with her, and her ex, again and again, that creates even more of a challenge. It's absolutely gut-wrenching to have something so great just dangling in front of your face constantly, but it's always just out of your reach. I just don't know how to deal with these feelings, I don't know how let go of this girl and move on, how to find other girls I can have the same connection with.

 

Matt, have you started the walks and nightly lists yet?

 

I haven't started walking, but I'm still very interested in investing in a cheap treadmill for home use, and I'm thinking of trying to see what I can find at a store on my day off on Sunday.

 

I've been trying to do the nightly list thing, but I've been having difficulties thinking of good things that happened throughout the day. The first couple days I tried this, I really had to stretch to come up with three good things from throughout the day. And for the last couple of days, I've been struggling to come up with even one or two good things that were worth thinking about. I'll probably be going to bed in another hour or so, and at the moment, I can't even really think of anything good that happened today to think about.

[Weeblie]

Kudos for getting started on the list. It doesn't always have to be something major. Like you could write down that you had your favorite cereal for breakfast or that you got to sleep in a little bit that morning. It gets easier the more you do it.

 

As for walking, maybe while you're researching treadmills, you could find other places to walk in the meantime. Like on your lunch break, you could walk around the area for 20 minutes or split it up and do 10 during your break, then 10 after work before going home. I'm sure there are many other ways you can come up with to get this done.

[Angler]

What are the odds I'll ever find anyone like her again

 

Very high.

 

let alone any time soon?

 

Higher than you think.

 

And what are the odds I'll do any better next time?

 

See below.

 

I've come to believe that the amount of women in the world that I can connect with on a more than platonic way is incredibly small, much smaller than that of the average person. This means I can go years without finding a girl I even want to go on a date with. And then when I do find a girl I'm attracted to, I'm not "good enough" for her, for one reason or another, and she doesn't share my attraction. I then have to wait several more years to maybe meet someone else, only to repeat the cycle again.

 

By your logic, you have YEARS to get your life in order before the next opportunity comes around.

 

Do the work. Don't leave this to chance. Don't be a victim in 5 years of your inaction TODAY.

 

Don't let yourself be in this position with the next girl.

[MattW]

Kudos for getting started on the list. It doesn't always have to be something major. Like you could write down that you had your favorite cereal for breakfast or that you got to sleep in a little bit that morning. It gets easier the more you do it.

 

Yeah, I just tend to not have a very big capacity for remembering little things, and I tend to be more focused on the larger things.

 

Very high.

 

 

 

Higher than you think.

 

Based on what, though? I mean, in my almost 25 of life, I've only met one girl that I felt a personal attraction to based on who she is as a person. That statistic doesn't exactly do wonders to make me optimistic that there's something just around the corner for me.

 

By your logic, you have YEARS to get your life in order before the next opportunity comes around.

 

Do the work. Don't leave this to chance. Don't be a victim in 5 years of your inaction TODAY.

 

Don't let yourself be in this position with the next girl.

 

And taking walks, and thinking about three good things that happened during the day is going to get me there?

 

See, I think you guys have this perception that I'm not willing to work at anything, and that's simply not true. It's just, my brain seems to work in a different way. I put in work to things that are tangible, to things that really make sense to me. Let me give a couple fairly recent examples.

 

Earlier this year, for fun, I wanted to start my own YouTube channel. Early on in the process, I decided that I wanted to produce a large amount of content in a short span of time, so I made it a goal to make 100 videos within the span of 20 weeks. Finding the time to record and edit that many videos in that short span of time was challenging, but I knew exactly what I was working towards, and I put in the work, and actually, I ended up accomplishing my goal at 15 weeks, instead of 20. Albeit, my channel has been on hiatus ever since, because I've been unable to find the time to produce content for it lately, but I plan to get back to it eventually.

 

Example #2, last year, when I overcame my crippling fear of driving. Prior to last summer, I had only ever driven maybe twice, just around the block, between the ages of 16 and 23. I was absolutely resistant to the idea of learning to drive. Then I found motivation in the form of my developing feelings for the girl I worked with. I renewed my learner's permit, and saw that I had to wait at least a week before I could take the driving test, so in that week, I practiced driving every chance I got. When it came time to take the driving test, I passed the first portion, but failed the maneuverability portion, and had to wait at least another week to retake that part. I was disappointed, but the light at the end of the tunnel was that I could ask out the girl of my dreams (and at the time, I believed there was a very high chance she would agree). So for the next week, I continued practicing maneuverability, and it was frustrating, but I knew exactly what I was working for, and come the following week, I retook that portion of the test and passed, got my driver's license, and the first thing I did afterwards was drive on up to work and ask out that girl.

 

I'm not a "lazy" person, it just takes certain things to motivate me and keep me on target, though, admittedly, I'm not quite sure what those "things" are.

[Batya33]

"Based on what, though? I mean, in my almost 25 of life, I've only met one girl that I felt a personal attraction to based on who she is as a person. That statistic doesn't exactly do wonders to make me optimistic that there's something just around the corner for me."

 

The statistic is meaningless because you're ignoring your role in that situation, your responsbility, your actions/inactions that created most of that situation. If you factor all that in perhaps you'll find that it's statistically unique that with all your self-created roadblocks and sabotage you were still able to find that one girl.

[MattW]

The statistic is meaningless because you're ignoring your role in that situation, your responsbility, your actions/inactions that created most of that situation. If you factor all that in perhaps you'll find that it's statistically unique that with all your self-created roadblocks and sabotage you were still able to find that one girl.

 

Yes, but like I've been saying, it's not like I've had little to no opportunity to meet people. High school, 40+ classes in community college, working retail, the school I'm at now, interning, is that not a pretty large amount of "groups"/ "activities" I've been involved in to meet a lot of people?

[Deciduous]

The statistic is meaningless because you're ignoring your role in that situation, your responsbility, your actions/inactions that created most of that situation. If you factor all that in perhaps you'll find that it's statistically unique that with all your self-created roadblocks and sabotage you were still able to find that one girl.

 

Bang on target!

 

Matt,

 

The interesting thing here is not, that you fell for this girl - It is the fact that you have choosen to hang on - and continue to feed that passion. Again this goes back to choices.

 

This girl is unavailable to you. Emotionally, physically, mentally - in every way possible. And therein lies the real attraction. That is why you have choosen her and continue to choose her every day.

 

It is not a terrible coincidence, a wretched twist of fate - It is the very point of this crush.

 

Most of us have had unrequited crushes, but at some point our desire for real intimacy and sex forces us to move on. This hasn't happened in your case. And there are very good reasons for that.

 

Usually when a person remains stuck in a fantasy relationship, it is because they have massive reservations about real intimacy and putting their trust into some-one. When we can't cope with real relationships we clung onto fantasy ones to satisfy our desire to love.

 

This is deliberate.

 

It is a decision made at a subconscious level. Which is why you are not consciously aware of it, yet. Matt you can continue to focus on what is going on externally, or you can start digging internally to work out why you made this decision.

 

Why would you fear having a real co-interdependant relationship? Why don't you trust real relationships?

 

Deci

[penelope13]

Yeah, I just tend to not have a very big capacity for remembering little things, and I tend to be more focused on the larger things.

 

Anything 'big' is comprised of many small components .... thus without the small little things, you will hardly have something larger to focus on.

 

Example #2, last year, when I overcame my crippling fear of driving. Prior to last summer, I had only ever driven maybe twice, just around the block, between the ages of 16 and 23. I was absolutely resistant to the idea of learning to drive. Then I found motivation in the form of my developing feelings for the girl I worked with. I renewed my learner's permit, and saw that I had to wait at least a week before I could take the driving test, so in that week, I practiced driving every chance I got. When it came time to take the driving test, I passed the first portion, but failed the maneuverability portion, and had to wait at least another week to retake that part. I was disappointed, but the light at the end of the tunnel was that I could ask out the girl of my dreams (and at the time, I believed there was a very high chance she would agree). So for the next week, I continued practicing maneuverability, and it was frustrating, but I knew exactly what I was working for, and come the following week, I retook that portion of the test and passed, got my driver's license, and the first thing I did afterwards was drive on up to work and ask out that girl.

 

So what can you learn from this?

 

If you put your mind towards it and keep PRACTICING - you can overcome any fear

 

As for motivation: replace 'this girl' with "I want to be in a relationship with an awesome person and thus want to be an awesome person first in order to attract her" - this should be ALL the motivation you require.

 

 

 

As to the purpose of the walk and finding 3 things to be grateful for:

 

a) walk - increase in your hormone and physiological balance towards a higher energy state. That's biology 101. You don't have to believe me, you can read it up if you require proof. But this has been studied extensively by the scientific community. You claiming that 'you don't see the point of it' is quite arrogant (IMHO). Nobody expects you to know everything, but you should be able to recognize when other people know more than you.

 

b) finding things to be grateful about:

this is aimed at shifting your negative brain pattern towards a more positive one. The brain has a feedback mechanism, i.e. if you feed it negative energy/thoughts - it's going to produce negative thoughts --> thus you need to start retraining your brain.

 

This is also not some random thing your therapist has thrown out, but has been shown to be effective throughout eons. Regardless if you want to believe in science, or some other philosophical outlook - they all are based on the premise than you can train your thoughts towards positive energy.

[MattW]

The interesting thing here is not, that you fell for this girl - It is the fact that you have choosen to hang on - and continue to feed that passion. Again this goes back to choices.

 

This girl is unavailable to you. Emotionally, physically, mentally - in every way possible. And therein lies the real attraction. That is why you have choosen her and continue to choose her every day.

 

It is not a terrible coincidence, a wretched twist of fate - It is the very point of this crush.

 

I have to question the notion that I'm attracted to this girl because she's unavailable to me. I was highly attracted to her before I asked her out, because of her personality, her mind, everything, and prior to asking her out, I really felt like she had at least some interest in me. I thought for sure she would say yes, and that was a big reason I pushed myself to ask her out.

 

Looking back, I think I knew all along she was someone I was attracted to; I actually worked with her and knew her for about an entire year before she and I REALLY started talking to and getting to know each other. Yet, I remember when I first met her, and even other little sporadic times over that first year, there were times where she caught my eye. I always just wrote them off and never put much thought into them. As a matter of fact, after she and I started connecting last year, I sort of internally freaked out and wanted to stay as far away from her as possible, because it kind of scared me how well she and I got along, and how easy it was to talk to her about anything, and the pessimist in me told myself "Stay away from her, she's just going to reject you". But she was pretty persistent with trying to get to know me and spend time with me, at the time, and that gave me a lot of "gusto", so to speak. I stopped listening to the pessimist in me and was able to tell myself "You have a great girl right in front of you, you really hit it off with her, and she seems to like you; don't pull away from her!", and that confidence pushed me to eventually ask her out. And then I realized that the pessimist in me was right all along.

 

Yeah, I obviously still have lingering feelings for her, and there's a part of me that still wants to be with her more than anything. But over the last year, my thinking has centered more on the logic behind it all. Why couldn't she be attracted to me? Why was she attracted to the guys she did choose to date? Why does she continue to prefer to mingle with guys that are more likely to cheat on her or otherwise mistreat her? What's so great about those guys? Why would a smart, mature girl like herself see in guys like that, that she couldn't have in me? Everyone says you can't apply logic to attraction, and that what one person is attracted to is different than what someone else will be attracted to. But to an extent, I disagree; I think similar minded people tend to be attracted/ unattracted to the same type of people. Ergo, if I do happen to meet another girl like this one, I'm unlikely to be attractive in her eyes, and she'll instead want a guy similar to the guys this current girl wants.

 

Even before this girl came along, I've had a hard time finding girls personally attractive; that's not a new side effect of me being overly attached to this girl. I have no problem being friendly and a little playful towards girls, and it's not that the women I meet are "bad", or anything, I just never really hit it off with them in a meaningful way. That romantic "chemistry" just isn't there, and I can often determine whether or not I feel that for any given girl pretty quickly. People say it's a big "numbers game" and that you have to "play the numbers" to find someone, and that line of thinking is just so unappealing to me.

 

I don't want to go out on tons of boring dates with girls I'm not attracted to, and settle down with the one that I can tolerate the most. That's such a dreary image of dating, to me. I want to find a girl I connect with, a girl I can really talk to and be myself around, a girl that can be my best friend and so much more. I don't want to have to ask out every single female I come accross, power through a few "blah" dates with each of them, just to find a girl that's more "okay" than the rest. That doesn't seem very fun or exciting at all to me.

 

Why would you fear having a real co-interdependant relationship? Why don't you trust real relationships?

 

I can think of several reasons why I may have some unhealthy perspectives and thoughts about relationships. For one, my family history is awful. My family is filled with divorce, unhappy marriages, and bad relationships. My family is filled with cheaters, liars, manipulators, and people who just make each other miserable. Hell, I discovered a few years ago that my own mother (who I was always very close with as a child) is a selfish, greedy, two-faced liar, she emotionally abuses my father, and she's obsessed with sex, and sleeping with as many guys as she can before she dies. I don't even really know what a happy healthy relationship looks like, to be honest. All I've seen is the bad. And as much as I want someone in my life, I'm mortified at the thought of ending up like everyone else in my family.

 

I also have, I guess, unhealthy (or at least, odd) perspectives on sex. It's funny, because I was never raised in an environment where sex was discouraged, or anything like that (if anything, it was a fairly open topic), so I don't know where it comes from. On one level, I have what I consider to be a healthy interest in and desire for sex as anyone else in my demographic. But at the same time, I feel extremely bad and guilty for it. I never "check out" girls, because that just feels wrong to me, and to be honest, my basis for attraction is more about personality than looks, and always has been. I never talk about sex at all with people, and when it comes up, I often get very flustered and embarrassed. I never purposely "touch" girls, even though people generally say you should find little ways to do that in order to build up sexual interest; that's just not something that feels natural, to me. In a way, I think I've been conditioned by certain factors over the years to believe that I'm so unattractive and unappealing that expressing sexual interest in women in even the littlest ways would be "offensive" to any and all women. Not to mention, the actual activity, itself, kind of scares me; perhaps I'm just overly paranoid, but I do not trust protection, birth control, etc., at all, and honestly, I don't know how so many people get away with having sex and not getting pregnant, STDs, etc.

 

That's really the best way I can easily summarize the way I see things.

[MattW]

As for motivation: replace 'this girl' with "I want to be in a relationship with an awesome person and thus want to be an awesome person first in order to attract her" - this should be ALL the motivation you require.

 

I do see your point, it's just that my brain tends to crave something more specific; the hope that I might meet and connect with some girl I don't know at some random point in the future, that's so vague that it provides almost no motivation at all, to me.

 

a) walk - increase in your hormone and physiological balance towards a higher energy state. That's biology 101. You don't have to believe me, you can read it up if you require proof. But this has been studied extensively by the scientific community. You claiming that 'you don't see the point of it' is quite arrogant (IMHO). Nobody expects you to know everything, but you should be able to recognize when other people know more than you.

 

I would say it's less arrogant, and more me not really understanding that biology stuff. Either way, like I said, I'm looking to invest in a home treadmill. I still wonder why the physical activity I do do isn't relevant to this, though. Like I said, I'm always on my feet at work. Let's say I work 3-4 days a week, at roughly 5-6 hours per shift. At least 80% of that time (if not more), I'm moving around, even if it's just pacing around the front end of the store. On days where I'm not at the front end, I'm also moving around stock, lifting heavy boxes up and down a ladder, including fairly heavy furniture pieces. I'd say I do get a fair bit of physical activity. I guess I just question more what an extra 20-30 minutes of walking around per day would really do, on top of that.

[Deciduous]

Hi Matt,

 

Do you see why you have brought this 'Fantasy Relationship' into your life. It means that you don't need to deal with any of the issues and fears, listed below.

 

 

 

In other words it keeps you Safe. And that's what this fantasy relationship is about. It is about ensuring your safety. You don't need to put anything on the line with this girl. You don't need to take any risks. She is unavailable. She was always unavailable. She will forever be unavailable. Is it any mystery, why you regard her as perfect for you?

 

At some point Matt, you will need to make a decision. (I'm not saying right now, because these issues need to be thoroughly explored and resolved)

 

You will need to decide whether you want to continue committing to the "fantasy relationship." Or whether you want to commit to therapy (and this journal) to heal your ability to have a real relationship, with a real person - (who may cheat, who may, who may steal) But this will be a risk that you will be willing and emotionally ready to take.

 

Currently, you are not emotionally ready to experience a real relationship. The question is, do you want to be? Given all the hard work that you will need to do to change emotional paradigms (set by your Mother) is it worth it to you.

 

Because therapy is probably going to be rather painful for you. There is a lot to untangle here. It will require hard work and really rubbish moments. But there is an end goal. The chance to have a real relationship.

 

These are the questions you will need to ask yourself over the coming weeks. Is it worth it to you? How badly do you want this?

 

Deci

[Angler]

Why couldn't she be attracted to me? Why was she attracted to the guys she did choose to date? Why does she continue to prefer to mingle with guys that are more likely to cheat on her or otherwise mistreat her?

 

A common theme in all your posts is that your main quality is that you would treat her well. Obviously good behaviour, not cheating etc. are vital things, but forget those for a moment, and let's forget the current dream girl too...speaking of a hypothetical girl in your future:

 

What else are you bringing to the table?

[MattW]

@Deci

 

I don't really see how I'm "not ready". Heck, people are dating in their teens; how are they "more ready" than I am?

 

A common theme in all your posts is that your main quality is that you would treat her well. Obviously good behaviour, not cheating etc. are vital things, but forget those for a moment, and let's forget the current dream girl too...speaking of a hypothetical girl in your future:

 

What else are you bringing to the table?

 

Well, this all applies to this current girl, but to be honest, this is how I want it to be with any girl I'm attracted to:

 

I consider myself to be smart and mature; for those I connect with, I like to think I can carry good conversations with. I'm constantly thinking of ways I can make her laugh or just put a smile on her face. In other words, I like to think I can stimulate her mentally. I would drop everything in a heartbeat to be there for her. I'm supportive, and I want to make her happy any way I can. I'd hope that once I finish my education and start making headway towards a career, I'll be pretty financially stable.

 

I dunno, I mean, what else do I need to be?

[penelope13]

I consider myself to be smart and mature

 

Would you mind giving some concrete examples of this?

 

One of the issues I believe you are facing is that you perceive yourself very differently than other people do, thus you might want to explore where those differences of view come from