nbr Posted October 26, 2013 Share Posted October 26, 2013 Well, It's been 15 months since my wife decided to see how the grass was. Divorce is filed (by me). Living apart since April (I moved out). She seems happy enough (with the guy she left me for). I have a date. It is my first date (and with a "just a friend" gal). Last time I went on a date I was 16, I'm 37 now... Dinner and mini-golf (no movies she wanted to see, and this affords more interaction). Any advice? I woke up at 4:45 this morning, nerves. -nbr Link to comment
sharky988 Posted October 26, 2013 Share Posted October 26, 2013 Why are you taking someone who's just a friend out on a date? Link to comment
Hangin Thread Posted October 26, 2013 Share Posted October 26, 2013 Just keep it fun. No expectations. Congrats on moving on...I know its a tough road. Im 38 and starting over is terrifying - hope to be in your place someday. Link to comment
Cheetarah Posted October 26, 2013 Share Posted October 26, 2013 Aww. I had a 'non date' a few weeks back after over a year and a half. I just kept telling myself it was that, I think I was in denial - haha. But it did do wonders for my nerves! No expectations, for sure. Dinner and mini golf sounds fun and casual! And if it feels weird - Like strange guilt or you come home feeling mopey - It's not the time for dating. I knew I was good to go when I just really enjoyed myself and didn't have my ex in the back of my head, wasn't doing any weird little comparisons. Some months prior I flirted with a person and then felt funny when I got home, so I knew it was the wrong time still. Anyhow, it really demonstrated the emotional disconnect I have from that relationship even though we've still got a tie together. Just focus on getting out and having a good time. Keep your mind on the conversation, the atmosphere, stay in the present. Link to comment
laninaperdida Posted October 26, 2013 Share Posted October 26, 2013 Why are you taking someone who's just a friend out on a date? Agreed. This is the biggest waste of time. I understand hanging out wit a friend, but to place just a friend into the dating category is extremely toxic. Link to comment
nbr Posted October 26, 2013 Author Share Posted October 26, 2013 Honestly, if this turned into more than friends I wouldn't complain, but I'd be surprised. She said it's time for me to get out and is the one who initiated. She's also been coaching me on what's too cheesy, too over the top, and what's just right. Link to comment
bulletproof Posted October 26, 2013 Share Posted October 26, 2013 You are not even divorced yet, and have been living out of the house for only six months. Given the intensity of your past situation and the length of your marriage, do you honestly feel like dating is in your best interest? Have you had time to even regroup or figure out what went wrong in the marriage and how to make sure your next relationship is healthy? Link to comment
sharky988 Posted October 26, 2013 Share Posted October 26, 2013 I don't think it's fair to date anyone else until you're really recovered from the breakup. No one *intends* to hurt anyone or get into a rebound situation.... but you need to be aware that just "going along with no expectations" isn't really the best choice for you at this point. When you're really ready for something substantial with someone new.... then you'll know you're ready to start dating again. Link to comment
annie24 Posted October 26, 2013 Share Posted October 26, 2013 i think you should just go tonight and have fun and relax. enjoy the minigolf! Link to comment
Cheetarah Posted October 26, 2013 Share Posted October 26, 2013 Hmm yes nbr, I see from a recent thread you are still experiencing turmoil and feelings of being stuck.in the grief response. This is not the way out of it. It might provide short term relief but it will not serve you well in the long run. It does a disservice to both you and the people you choose. But I don't think dating ultimately needs to lead to commitment and you're not ready until/if you want that. I do believe however that no matter which route you take, whether it's casual dating, long term commitment or something in between, going into any of that still grieving is an unhealthy choice. Link to comment
sharky988 Posted October 26, 2013 Share Posted October 26, 2013 Hmm yes nbr, I see from a recent thread you are still experiencing turmoil and feelings of being stuck.in the grief response. This is not the way out of it. It might provide short term relief but it will not serve you well in the long run. It does a disservice to both you and the people you choose. But I don't think dating ultimately needs to lead to commitment and you're not ready until/if you want that. I do believe however that no matter which route you take, whether it's casual dating, long term commitment or something in between, going into any of that still grieving is an unhealthy choice. Agreed! On the other hand.... any woman stupd enough to date someone so soon out of a marriage sort of deserves what she gets. Link to comment
laninaperdida Posted October 26, 2013 Share Posted October 26, 2013 Agreed! On the other hand.... any woman stupd enough to date someone so soon out of a marriage sort of deserves what she gets. Lool. Again, I agree. Link to comment
FindingClarity Posted October 26, 2013 Share Posted October 26, 2013 Agreed! On the other hand.... any woman stupd enough to date someone so soon out of a marriage sort of deserves what she gets. ha ha yeah - and did I ever find that out the hard way. Very sound. Link to comment
sharky988 Posted October 26, 2013 Share Posted October 26, 2013 ha ha yeah - and did I ever find that out the hard way. Very sound. You and me both, sister! Link to comment
t1lersm0m1 Posted October 26, 2013 Share Posted October 26, 2013 That makes three of us! And it sucked! He was with her 22 years, separated 10 months when we started dating. I didn't realize until later that two months prior to meeting me he was trying to reconcile with her. Being the rebound sucks. You and me both, sister! Link to comment
nbr Posted October 26, 2013 Author Share Posted October 26, 2013 Ok to clarify, i haven't been trying to reconcile for about 10 months now. There are no expectations beyond a night out from either of us. Link to comment
nbr Posted October 26, 2013 Author Share Posted October 26, 2013 You are not even divorced yet, and have been living out of the house for only six months. Given the intensity of your past situation and the length of your marriage, do you honestly feel like dating is in your best interest?i am tired of sitting home alone too. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted October 27, 2013 Share Posted October 27, 2013 I would avoid dating until you are divorced. Link to comment
sharky988 Posted October 27, 2013 Share Posted October 27, 2013 i am tired of sitting home alone too. You don't have to sit home alone, you can go out with friends. You can enrich your life in other ways. But it's too soon for dating and romance and all that stuff. Unless you find yourself a FWB, any woman who comes into your orbit in any meaningful way is going to end up getting HURT -- no matter how unintentional, no matter how lightly you want to keep things. Dating women is the worst thing you can be doing right now -- how about not putting yourself first, and putting THEM first instead? Read through some of the many threads here posted by people who have fallen into rebound situations, not intending to hurt anyone..... but doing it nonetheless. You have the rest of yor life to date around and meet someone special. You don't need to rush into meeting people just 6 or 7 months after moving out of your marital home! Link to comment
nbr Posted October 28, 2013 Author Share Posted October 28, 2013 We went out, had a blast. She's not looking for a romance at all. It's really a friends (not FWB) only situation. It was fantastic. Not how I expected it to go at all, went way better. She's been there, done that, been and had the rebound, so she's holding the reins there Link to comment
sharky988 Posted October 28, 2013 Share Posted October 28, 2013 Holding the reigns on what -- a friendship? Sounds like she deserves what she gets! Link to comment
nbr Posted October 28, 2013 Author Share Posted October 28, 2013 not going into relationship territory. Actually part of the night was a refreshingly frank discussion on how to handle boundary incursions by an ex, and other random stuff. We have a common circle of friends, talked about setting up some more group stuff with them (parties, get together, whatever). Link to comment
sharky988 Posted October 28, 2013 Share Posted October 28, 2013 not going into relationship territory. Actually part of the night was a refreshingly frank discussion on how to handle boundary incursions by an ex, and other random stuff. We have a common circle of friends, talked about setting up some more group stuff with them (parties, get together, whatever). Then why call it a date? This is about as romantic as you're ready to get with anyone -- and as far as this poor woman is concerned, I'd assume that even if she's not saying so yet, she has an interest in you. There's really no honorable way to proceed in any kind of "psuedo-friendship" with any single woman when you're just 7 months out of a 20 year marriage. Link to comment
nbr Posted October 28, 2013 Author Share Posted October 28, 2013 Yes, it is as romantic as I'm ready to get. She knows that too. I know what she wants out of it, and I'm good with it. She wants a guy that can go out with her, won't try to take advantage of her, can have fun, but stay sober (AA for the win hahaha), and is ok with her dancing with other guys too because her "date" isn't a romantic interest. She wants to go out and have fun but doesn't want to be in a relationship or alone. I want to get out, but am not ready for anything. So far it's perfect. As to why call it a date? what else is it? you made an appointment with another person to go out and have fun, is that not a date? (Or is my Aspie ass missing something here?) -nbr Link to comment
sharky988 Posted October 28, 2013 Share Posted October 28, 2013 Exactly. When you go out with your platonic friends -- male or female -- you don't call it a date. When you and your guy friends go to a football game, are you on a date? A date has a romantic intent, or a sexual one. Friends just go hang out. There's a big difference, and when you're going on something you're calling a "date" with someone of the opposite sex..... you want to get your terminology straight so no one gets hurt! Link to comment
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