Would You Say This is Abusive?

[anon5599]

Hello,

 

While in college (some years ago) I was involved in a relationship with an abusive, manipulative man.

 

I have long since struggled with feeling that I can really know and trust someone and appropriately spot red flags.

 

I have been dating my current BF for a little under one year and by all accounts it is a very happy relationship. My current BF is very loving and dotes on me and works hard to make me happy. He is very involved with my friends and family (spends a great deal of time with both). He respects my privacy and freedom and doesn't try to control my behavior or actions. He never comes off as jealous.

 

I do, however, have concerns about some behaviors I've seen displayed in fights namely around his temper. I am working on my own anger management as I can be a mean drunk. A few times we have had explosive fights after we both have been drinking (myself most heavily). During this time the following things happened:

 

I) My BF threw an empty water bottle to the floor

II) While I was insulting my BF pretty heavily he got very close to my face and shouted for me "to stop"

III) When I was ignoring him in a fight while looking at my phone he said (calmly, albeit) to get off the phone and pulled the phone out of my hand

 

I am having a hard time identifying if I am overly concerned about these things because of my past experience or because they are legitmate warning signs as the articles I have referenced mention throwing objects or getting in someone's face as major red flags.

 

I am currently in counseling for my own anger management and healing but am terrified of getting close to someone who could be too controlling or abusive.

 

I REALLY need some sound advice and appreciate any insights. Thank you,

[Seraphim]

No, I would not say he is abusive. I would say he's fed up. If you know you are a mean drunk and insult him when you're drunk it is probably good to not drink. If you know you have anger issues and like pushing his buttons maybe it is best for you to break up for now until you can control yourself.

[alli]

I also wouldn't call it abusive, but I would call it an unpleasant relationship and I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who behaves like either one of you. It sounds like things get most volatile when you are both drinking. The logical solution to me sounds like you both need to stop drinking. Please consider alcoholics anonymous or a similar program, or ask your doctor for guidance. I doubt either of you will have a happy and healthy relationship until you both refrain from consuming alcohol.

[abitbroken]

If you are a mean drunk, like you say, you have to work on that. Stop drinking. Go to counseling, AA, etc.

 

If someone was mean and drunk and wouldn't stop insulting me, I would get into their face and tell them to stop, too.

 

I agree that both of you need to reduce your drinking and find other ways to have fun aside from that.

[mmnyc5052]

I can relate to this at times. I don't think he is necessarily abusive, but it's not like he gets a gold star either. In each situation, you've noted drinking, and behavior on your part that would be considered "pushing buttons." I think you both need to sit down and talk about your styles of conflict resolution.

 

With my BF, whenever something comes up, or an argument occurs, his style of resolving things is "leave me alone, I need some time, we can talk later." Mine, on the other hand, has always been, "solve it right here, right now, talk it out, get it over with." So, in that discrepancy, I have pushed him and pushed him and tried to talk about things and gotten somewhat dramatic and he has gotten in my face before. I don't like it, and he always apologizes, but he says he knows I am pushing his buttons and he has told me before he just wants to be left alone. In cases with alcohol, I get very intense and I will admit that. So I can understand, not in the moment (that revs me up more) but afterwards how if he gets in my face and tells me to back off, It's warranted.

 

Things happen in relationships. It's not all sunshine and puppies and not all arguments are perfectly solved like they are in the movies. People are brought up with varying ways of dealing with things and when they're different from each other, you need to learn and grow and be compromising (BOTH partners need to compromise). With us, we have agreed to give it a few minutes to cool down to appease him but then talk about it to appease me. It isn't fail-proof, but there is a sense of "we both are doing this together while adhering to what we both feel comfortable with."

 

Communication is paramount. Tell him how you feel - make sure he knows your past relationship was a bit abusive and you don't want to feel trapped like that again and try to figure out a common ground where you both don't disrespect each other.

[mbee]

I wouldn't call his behavior abusive but you guys both have really negative ways of handling communication that will eat away at your relationship. It might be worth going to couple's counseling to find better ways to communicate. You also should be open with him about how his behavior seems inappropriate and how you BOTH need to make steps to change how you both resolve and communicate problems.

[pippy longstocking]

I) My BF threw an empty water bottle to the floor

II) While I was insulting my BF pretty heavily he got very close to my face and shouted for me "to stop"

III) When I was ignoring him in a fight while looking at my phone he said (calmly, albeit) to get off the phone and pulled the phone out of my hand

 

number 1 , throwing an empty water bottle on the floor is neither here nor there .

 

number 2 ...it was actually you abusing him and he got into your face to make you stop ..

 

number 3 ...I hate to say it ...but you just antagonise him ....you can see by his actions how frustrated he was ..if you want to ignore an argument then walk away .

 

 

good for you for sorting your own stuff out though ..thats awesome , I love it when people can stand up and say , yeah ..I need to sort this out .

 

I think this is a case of you both rubbing each other up the wrong way .

[metrogirl]

I wouldn't call it abuse. You certainly have a drinking problem, does he? I know you said you are getting help for your anger but are you getting help for your alcholism?

[Kendahke]

I think that if abusiveness is to be assigned, it needs to be assigned to you.

 

Him throwing a water bottle to the ground isn't abusive. Throwing it at your head is. That didn't happen.

 

Being blazing drunk and saying offensive things to someone when they ask you to stop says that you know you're a mean drunk and that you need to stop drinking.

 

Ignoring someone while pretending to read messages on your phone is called antagonizing behavior. You feed into your own created drama.

 

You neither communicate or handle conflict well at all... in fact, you're passive aggressive. Might not be a good idea to be in a relationship until you've resolved your anger issues and alcohol issues.

[mhowe]

Not even sure you are Passive Aggressive --- sounds like you are just plain old aggressive -- and alcohol makes it 10x worse.

[Snny]

There is no nicer way to say this: You are the one who's being abusive here. Its not him.

 

Insulting him is a form of verbal abuse. You fight him when you are intoxicated. By doing this, you are pushing him to the limit. I'm surprised he's still with you because you have pissed him off by a lot.

 

You need to stop drinking to get control of yourself. You are in anger management, but are you really helping yourself by choosing to drink and say nasty things to a person who cares a lot about you? If you are in therapy, this should be the first thing they tell you to stop doing. So why aren't you doing it?