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I am so hurt and will i ever recover from this heartbreak??


pinkocean

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Here is my story. Ive been with the same man off and on for 9 yrs. Im 41 and hes 38. Im black/jew hes Italain. I look spanish to tell you the truth. Starting from day one I was told his dad thinks there should be a license to hunt niggas! Yes i know disgusting! My chances of ever knowing his family would never be. Still I stayed and managed to have a good relationship withhim. We travelled,go fishing,dinners etc., Life seems to be good. As time passes I realize he is self absord,narcissistic,and an emotional abuser. He didnt even touch me unless we had sex. I mean not even hold my hand but shows interest in me in other ways. Yes I know crazy! By this point I am too invested and deeply in love. I tried ending things within myself with him but always failed and become weak for him. Its funny how he isnt even all that great looking and very short too. Fast fwd 4 yrs in. He grows cold and distant and just leaves me. I try for months to get answers but with no luck. It was sorry but you torture me emotionally and are too jealous. All of it lies!

 

I live with that and continue on with life in pain and no closure. I do a little digging and find out he is still in love with and ex. I broke into his emailed (i know that was wrong) and find emails of him saying she is the only woman he could ever imagine spending his life with. I am shocked and crushed. I had no clue she even exsisted. I soon forget and learn to be happy again. Almost 2 yrs to the break up with zero contact we reconnect. AND like a fool. I take him back. He never begged or pleaded to win me back either. I like a dum woman I just took him back. I do know now looking back in hindsight I made it easy for him. I still loved him in a way and just accepted him back and hoped for the best. Things are great at first but slowly the old him is creeping back. Keep in my I still have never met his family. Not once. And no he is not married and lives alone. We never lived together by choice. Ok' we now back together for 3 yrs and 7 months..Until this pass Aug he flat out dumped me again. Again he claims to be the victim of a "Torture gf" No warning no sit downs,it was just its over. I put blood love work into the relationship. I am kind,understanding,funny,and always gave him great sex. I am angry with myself for givng my heart and all to a man who has treated me like dirt.. yet inside I still love him.

 

I remem the great guy he use to be and the caring person he was. I know he didnt just leave me. He left me for someone else I am sure. To make matters worse.. He has turned his back on me while I am sick. I just find out I had cancer in my overies (doing well now after surgery thank god) but still he knows and has given me zero support. I do not hate him but I am startig too. I did do much and was always a wondeful woman. How can anyone do this to another human being? I feel so much pain and hurt inside. Why has he done this to me again? And for the record. I am not a nag and I am very attractive. My life will never be the same. I feel bitter but I am strong and was raised to forgive. But what he has done I dont feel like I can. Yesterday was the last time we spoke. I told him I was sick and he cursed me out and hung up on me. Still no word. I do not want him back for life. I know he is no good and will never change. I just feel like i need closure from him. Its like I need him to say sorry I hurt,you were a great woman,and I ed up. It would make such a differnce in my life. I know I was so good and that is what hurts me the most. I just want some help in trying to understand how could I still love a man like that who has hurt me so bad and doesnt even care that I am ill (but doing great). Please help me understand what is wrong with me!!

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Unfortunately, you may never get the closure you want - him telling you "it is over." Or h left you for another woman. Sometimes the closure we need is what we make ourselves. Start today. Its not that he left you, but its you who finally decided you will not allow him back. Do not answer his phone calls. Do things that are caring towards you.

 

Also, did it ever occur to you that he made up what his father says so you would not want to meet them? And he would have an easy excuse to not commit to you. You can't meet his family so he can never marry you. Or even if his father occasional says the ignorant racsist remark, he could have met you and really liked you or even thought you were hispanic, and then already started to like you and realized how dumb he was. I am not saying to go back to this guy but when someone is emotionally abusive or emotionally stunted, they like to isolate the one closest to them and racist comments is the way he set this up. if it wasn't about race, believe me , he would have figured something else out.

 

Please put as much time and space between the two of you as possible.

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Thank you for the kind words. And him saying his dad hated blacks was not made up. I heard his dad say to him over speaker phone on a few occasions he better not be with some or . Its def true what his dads views are on blacks etc., Also marriage is something neither one of us wanted. It wasnt some cute ploy to get me to think he would never marry me. We decided early on we did not want to get married. Even if it wasnt with him I still have zero interest in getting married at this time. But you are dead on. He would have figured something else out. The other guy posted forget him and move on. Its not about forgetting him its more about why he would hurt me like this in the first place and why the hell did I allow it to happen at all. I dont want him back ever! I just want to stop feeling love for that loser. Thank you so much. You words make sense.

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Do you like the woman you have to become in order to have this moron in your life? Do you even love yourself? Why do you feel you deserve the treatment? It can't be because of the sex.

 

He's done this to you again and will keep on doing it as long as you keep letting him back into your life.

 

Apparently, you're hell bent on punishing your self for some reason and you do it through being involved with this jerk.

 

Forgiving isn't about him. It's about you and what you're doing is not forgiving---you're brushing his BS behavior under the rug because you don't feel you deserve to be treated better than this and what he offers supports that belief.

 

You would be very well served by talking to a therapist about why you've placed such a low value on yourself. To even be bothered with a man who will not put distance between himself and someone who would probably do harm to you or your children if he could get away with it is beyond the pale. How could he ever incorporate you fully in his life when he's got a father who is saying this reprehensible mess? What a reprobate! Both of them.

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He hurt you because you allowed it. You knew his father was racist and you decided to not let that be a dealbreaker. You were okay with never meeting his family rather than telling him early on that you wanted to find someone where you would be welcome with their family and leaving him before a relationship really started. I am not "victim blaming" - i am saying you knew what he was about, you accepted it, and later the things that were questionable in the beginning have hurt you the most. I guess what i am saying is this guy never changed his behavior. He didn't turn into someone different than he started out as - its just that the good times can no longer fix the bad times and you are tired and spent.

 

I was in an abusive marriage so know what hold someone can have on you - even though things seem very straight forward "on paper" to others. We can analyze why he does things 100 times and for 100 years but what matters is that you are out from under this. It doesn't take time to physically leave, but to rid oneself of the mental scars - its ging to take a little more time.

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>>I put blood love work into the relationship

 

OK, you could put your heart and soul into a relationship with Hitler and he'd still be Hitler and a bad guy no matter how many feelings you have for him.

 

You have a fundamental misconception about how love/life works. You can love someone to death, but if he doesn't have those same feelings in return and isn't a nice person, it won't change anything. In every relationship, there are really three things, you, him, and the relationship you create together. So you can't control him and make him love you or make him be the person you want him to be. That is all on him. and the strength/quality of the relationship will be based on what you and he put into it. So if he's 'missing' in the relationship, or bad or checked out or not in love, the relationship will be skewed and not a good one.

 

You are hanging onto the FANTASY of who you hoped he'd be, and the HOPE of a great relationship, but you already know who he really is it shines through time and again. He's not a nice person, and he's not really committed to you. You've basically already outlined that in your post. He's not a nice guy, he's from a racist family, he's had 9 years to propose and he still hasn't done it, he's chasing other women, cheating with other women, dumping you again and again etc.

 

I know this is harsh, but i think you are and have always been his 'backup plan' or Plan B. He'll stay with you until he sees someone else who attracts them, then he's off like a shot. And if she doesn't work he, he falls back to you, Plan B, again. But he's really not 'back', he's only hanging out with you yet again until he meets someone he perceives might be a better long-term partner (i.e, fit in with his family better etc.).

 

So you're chasing another fantasy, that he'll say some magic words and it will give you closure. It won't. Closure is something you must give to yourself, as in working really hard to see the relationship (and him) for what it really is. He's had 9 years to propose and hasn't, and is in fact busily communicating with an ex behind your back telling her she's is one true love. But she's not available so he hangs out with you until either she becomes available or he meets someone who makes him feel like she did. It's not your fault that he doesn't love you the way you should, but you can't ignore that because it is a reality. And reality is your friend because it prevents you from holding on to a relationship that is not right for you, with a guy who is long gone.

 

Don't throw any more good years after bad... he's not going to mutate into your prince charming, and all the closure you need is that he's not enough in love with you to marry you, and he's not enough of a nice guy to treat you right, so you're wasting your time and need to stop that and put him behind you. You could talk to him for 2 weeks trying to get 'closure' and he's still not going to turn into the man you need to have a good life. You need to quit stoking the fires of this fantasy and just see you're not a good fit with him, and he's not very nice to you, and he's not interested in making you a permanent parthern, so you need to drop this pursuit and find someone who is.

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I do not like the woman I have become. And no you were not harsh in words. Until I started reading it in black and white. What you wrote is exaclty what I have always known and felt to some degree. Yes I did feel like I was the back up plan. If he loved me he would have never treated me that way to begin with right? I stayed knowing who he was. But like you stated. It was that fantasy thinking. I kept wanting to believe he would change-we both know a leopard never changes his spots. I digress...I allowed it all to happen. At anytime I could have walked away. Instead I kept hoping it would get better. As for the blood work. I really did try to make it work but I know now it was only me doing the work. I cant go back and undo what I did. I can only grow from this point on. You have actually made me feel better than I have in months. Its like a lightbulb just went off when I read PLAN B ETC., I have always been in good healthy relationships. I dont know how allowed this to happen to me. But it has and right now in the moment I want to heal. Whereas before I just kept asking why. I dont think I need therapy. I see now that I am not a victim. I just made bad choices concerning him. I should have absolutely ran the other direction when he started in with what his hateful dad has to say. I really believe even though I am not looking to get married,I just might have been married with some kind loving man who adored me,rather than spend wasted yrs with someone who didnt care if I even breathed. Unreal! What was I thinking? I guess I wasnt. I really do thank you for your postive and strong words. It is helping me more than you know. I am better than what I allowed. I think tonight is the first night I will be able to sleep uninterupted. I might even dream Thanks for giving it to me straight. I will kept you posted.

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Remember that you control your own life and mood... so don't let a man who hurt you and is long gone continue to hurt you by dwelling on him. He's really just a ghost in your head now, and wishful thinking won't bring him back or turn him into the man you need. So try not to live in your head so much (i.e., don't live in fantasy or regret or too much thought about him). The sooner you banish him from your head, the sooner you'll feel better! So be kind to yourself and try to start doing some fun things that you enjoy rather than letting him haunt you. Get out and re-discover yourself!

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Not harsh at all. the truth is the truth. I should have ran when I got the chance. I am realizing all of this right now in this moment. He is/was the same person he has always been. You are right-I am tired and spent. I no longer want to have a sit down with them in asking for closure. Closure is the gift I learn to give myself. As you said..the hold someone can have on you can be powerful. I keep thinking back to all of the good times,and not enough on the bad. I feel much better reading what you have to say. Every litte bit counts. I still wish I didnt have to go through all of these crazy emotions. I miss the old me that never let anything get her down. It has taken a toll on me for too many years and I want peace with this. I know I am the only one who can give that to me. Its a slow process but believe me. Today is the first time in months Im actually feeling a little better. I know I am not the victim,I knew who I was dealing with I just didnt deal with it very well. Hopefully I will be feeling great about myself real soon. Thanks.

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Its like I need him to say sorry I hurt,you were a great woman,and I ed up. It would make such a differnce in my life.

 

Having once been involved with a narcissistic emotionally abusive guy on and off for six years, who sounds an awful lot like your ex, I am going to tell you that a) you will never get an apology from him that means anything. Why? Because he is a narcissistic emotionally abusive, cold person just as you described. Wishful thinking is just that wishful thinking, but you know exactly the type of person he is and has been all along and you do yourself no favors by hoping he will magically become good. And b) it won't make a bit of difference. I know, because my ex did apologize to me and say those things several times--always right before I foolishly opened the door and let him back into my life to yet again use and then leave me. It was a ruse, because if the apology had ever been sincere he would have changed his behavior but never did. So never attach importance to an apology coming from someone that you already know by past behaviors won't really mean it or will mean it only to trick you again.

 

Having been through this myself the only advice I can offer you to is to focus on getting yourself emotionally healthy and well, going NC and deciding you are done with the hurt for good, and deciding to yourself that a thousand apologies will never be enough for what he's already put you through and would happily continue when and if it suits him. Sometimes we get addicted to things and people that aren't good for us and although we know it the addiction is there we fool ourselves to keep that drug of choice within our reach. When you reach the point where you've had enough though you treat this as you would any other addiction and you get clean and sober so to speak. I did that and it helped, reading up on love addictions. I'd already seen my own father beat alcoholism and so I applied a lot of those same tenants to my ex when I was ending things, because really he was my drug of choice to escape from a lot of other issues. Not big ones either, but they were making me unhappy and as long as I stayed tied to him I didn't have to deal with those things, just focus on him.

 

It may well be the same is what happened to you. The good news is you are free now. Keep a journal and I would also recommend you sit down and write a list of all of the bad things he said did and was. Keep it nearby and any time you start to have that "Oh, maybe he wasn't so bad, I really miss...." pull it out and read it. Say to yourself "this is who he really was" and then go do something that brings you pleasure no matter how small. That can help change your way of thinking, which has probably gotten locked into a pattern of convincing yourself things weren't as bad as they were. A lot of moving on from any bad habit/addiction is to learn to recognize patterns of behavior and bad habits and to break them. The good news is you can indeed do that and you will get past this. You may even find a good love in the future like I did once you're healed and have had some time and space and changed things within yourself to accept and love who you are first. Good luck and come here often to post, vent and just know that others out there before you have gone through what you're going through and survived and come out stronger and better for it.

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Thank you so much. I am going to start doing just that. He is a ghost and I am the one allowing him to still haunt me. I robbed myself for far too long and have wasted so many years on him. I want to be happy,feel alive again but starting with me "Rediscovering myself" on a calm level. I think if I can accept the past for what is was,than I can look forward to a brighter future for what it will be. Rome wasnt built in a day,so getting my emotions in order wont happen overnight. Stumbling upon this sight was the best thing that happen to me! I am so grateful for the support of strangers on this sight

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I am sorry you had to go through the same things as I did. Glad you are in a better place. Im still fighting my way out of that dark place I was in. A contant cloud hung over my head with him. Still I did not end it...I waited until he up and left me again. I did not recog his narcissism until a few years later. I always thought his anger stemmed from lifes challenges. I was not prepared for the diaster to come concerning him. It seem to all happen so fast. I noticed he never said sorry for anything. And usually everything was always my fault. I was caught up in that fantasy thinking of 'Its okay hes great but just stressed out" Friends/family begged me to end the relationships. You can lead a horse to water but you cant make it drink. I stayed like a fool. He was very cold,aloof,self absord,distant and emotionally detatched. He would never touch me or say anything nice only during times of intimacy. When I got tough and fed up and curse him out,he'd laugh and say things to trick me. It was "thats why I love you bc your so tough",or what would I ever do with you,and where am I going noone will love me like you. It was like a thrill to see me get so upet over him...meanwhile he cared nothing about me. He has destroyed a part of me,but I gotta accept that I allowed it. I was weak for him. In this moment I feel stronger than I ever have. I know this time Im never go back. That man has never loved me and if he ever tries coming back I will show him the same harsh cold ways he showed me. I will not answer or entertain him ever again. I dont even think I love him right now. I think I was in love with the idea of being in love with the fantasy of what I thought we were..if that makes any sense. I have survived the worse! All that is left is to stop allowing him to haunt my thoughts and memories. One thing is for certain. It is a damn ruse. And he was like a drug to me. Getting treated so bad became a way of life. Its all Ive ever really known with him so I didnt know how to cope. Well I am coping now! The first step to accepting and trying to heal is reaching out for help. And those of you ppl who reached out to me are helping me so much. I send big thanks to you all. And yes I will continue to post to others. I already have. Right now its min by min. If I have made it this far,there is no reason why I wont go all the way!! For teh record. Once he left I never asked for him back. I would only ask him why did he do this to me. His reply...Its all your fault so thank yourself. Typical emotional abuser/narcissitic style. True to themselves always huh..lol thanks!

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Typical emotional abuser/narcissitic style. True to themselves always huh..l

 

Truer words were never spoken. But the fact that you want to leave the crazy far behind is a huge first step for you. I can tell you healing won't come all at once, but it does come if you let it. Just decide though to shut the door and keep it shut even if he shows back up. My ex would do the same thing, always be the one to contact me and ask me back, and he's tried it several times since the final time I ended things. I just am not willing to go there ever again, so I never respond and block him. It gets so much easier over time, my only regret is not doing it years before I did. Only I can now acknowledge that I would never have done so and it's pointless to dwell on the past when we only have the present and the future. So make your present and your future count and leave the past to the one role it has left to play--providing wisdom and a blueprint for how to do things either the same or differently.

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