Feel pathetic after such a ridiculously short term relationship!

[RJB]

We were only together a couple of months. I'm 21 and she is 18. She ended it after a couple of arguments (is it really acceptable for a girl to dance with every guy in a club, grinding with them and getting very close when her boyfriend is in the same place and only gives him a quick kiss and cuddle all night?!) So yeah, we had a couple of issues. But when we were together, it seemed perfect. We were really close, could tell each other anything, couldn't keep our hands, bodies and mouths off each other (sorry for any bad images, just had to say it how it was!) but the only sexual thing was a bit of boob rubbing and sucking, so it definitely wasn't for the sex why we were together!!

 

She ended it last Sunday after I was a little upset with how she was in the clubs the previous night (it was one of a few different arguments we had). She said she really likes me, and said I am a great guy etc, but the arguments over the last week we were together had got her down and she couldn't handle it, so had to finish it ''for the best of both of us''.

 

She was stunning though. The most beautiful girl I've ever met, I'd never be able to attract anybody like her again (I met her after a work mate introduced us). Blonde, blue eyes, beautiful body, but because of this, the attention she got when out did always worry me a bit. But I am infatuated with her. I can't stop thinking of her, wanting to message her, I want to cuddle her and talk to her. She is all I think about and I've broke down so many times this week.

 

She deleted me on Facebook, BUT I can still message her, and I then wrote this following message, but didn't send it, but I really want too:

''Hey A****. Don't worry, I'm not the sort of ex to constantly message you and hassle you, I just wanted to check that you are ok? It's been a week since it all ended and so I just wanted to see how you are, no hard feelings and if I see you out in the future, I'd actually like to remain friends? xx''

 

I really do like her. She is in my dreams, and all I think about, even when I'm out with mates etc, I still pick up my phone expecting to see a text from her or a ''snapchat'' etc, but then I remember it's all over and will never happen again, and I break down. I feel pathetic, but I never was like this when my ex left me back in February and we were together over a year and I was madly in love with her (had even asked mum about having her move in with us as she had family problems etc, so me and her were serious!). I don't know how to resist messaging her (I haven't sent her one yet though, just been very close) or why I feel like this. Has anyone got advice please?!

[nutbrownhare]

It's very early days yet, and it's still going to feel raw for you.

 

Don't message her, unless you either want her to reject you, or to go through this whole pantomime again. You clearly have very different values and any continuing contact will only hurt you. If you get to the stage where it wouldn't bother you to see her grinding with another guy, THEN you're ready to be friends - otherwise it's just a thinly-veiled attempt to maintain some kind of relationship with her - which can only pull the scab off any healing you manage to do.

 

There's a thread on here entitled 'Post here instead of contacting your ex'. Use it!

 

(((HUGS)))

[Dragunov-21]

Do you think you could deal with the attention she gets while out? If you do it could be worth giving a second shot.

 

If not, you're just incompatible and while it's a shame it happens a lot.

 

Do you want to get over her or your jealousy?

 

Out of interest, what was with not having sex? Was it that it just hadn't progressed to that stage or that one of you didn't want to yet?

[Mesemene]

Agreed. Contacting her more will accomplish nothing except making you feel worse.

 

She may be a goddess in looks, and have a great conversational wit - but your ideas of what crosses boundaries on a date are too far apart, and she's not willing to compromise. And it's not something you can force yourself to be comfortable with. You could fake it - but that isn't going to help, just make it fester until you explode.

 

Use the thread instead of contacting her. At least you can be grateful for small mercies - you found out you had different values and boundaries before you'd invested months or years into this. It would have exploded sooner or later, and best for you (and her) that it's sooner.

 

Doesn't feel like it now - but I'm sure there are attractive girls who don't feel easy with bumping and grinding with every other guy in a club when they're with you.

[emma34]

Sorry you are going through this...how you saw the relationship and her is not the same way she felt about it. Your best course of action is to try to move on and not message her. Perhaps over time, like in a few months, you could revisit things with her...if you truly want to be with her, then that's likely your best route...give it time.

[Dragunov-21]

I dunno; I think that if you don't find the behaviour (dancing like that) inherently immoral or wrong but are just jealous then it's something that can be worked through (and it's a very important place to reach, I think).

 

I used to be very jealous/possessive (internally), of people I didn't really have any claim to (crushes etc). I'm still not completely pragmatic about it, but I'm a lot better and a lot of that was realising that I only want a girl who wants to be with me and if she's there with you, that's really all the validation you need.

 

Jealousy just eats at you and serves absolutely no purpose. You can figure out if someone seems like a risk without getting emotional about it, and if you don't have a problem with your girlfriend dancing with other guys as long as that's all it is, then I think anyone would be well served to try and lose their jealous instincts.

[pippy longstocking]

I dunno; I think that if you don't find the behaviour (dancing like that) inherently immoral or wrong but are just jealous then it's something that can be worked through

 

but she dumped him ...he can't work through it if she doesn't want to know .

 

basically op , she didn't like the bounderies that you wanted ...ie the grinding ..and I agree , it is totally acceptable to NOT want to stand in a club and watch your bird rub her vagina up as many mens hips as she can .... but she doesn't want those restrictions ...

 

I think it is pure infatuation and losing out on having the arm candy ..you will get over this horrible bit and look back and see that it was only infatuation , and that she likes the attention , and that wont change , not at your ages .

 

don't message her , don't kid yourself that the mail is ok , ... hold your head up high and walk away . You need time and space to really see if you want to start mailing her . sorry you are in pain , hugs x

[Dragunov-21]

but she dumped him ...he can't work through it if she doesn't want to know .

 

Sure, but it sounds like she was into him but just couldn't deal with the incompatibility. If he's willing and able to address that, I can't see why a simple "Hey, I just wanted to say I'm sorry about the arguments we had, I think I need to loosen up a little bit about stuff like that, if you're still interested, hit me up in a few weeks" (or whatever) couldn't be worth a shot. OP, be sure that you can (and just as importantly, want to) lose the jealousy rather than just wanting her and trying to ignore principles/hangups that aren't going to change anytime soon.

 

They're young, more likely to be a passing thing than "til death do us part" and if he wants to lose the jealousy and can, there's nothing wrong with ten-point arm-candy

[RJB]

Thank you for the replies so far. It's hurting real bad this morning. I would have been taking her out for dinner this evening so instead I will be sitting around doing nothing just thinking of her. To the person who was asking about sex, she is a virgin (I've been with one girl before) and so she wanted to take things slow. I told her I respect that and would wait however long it took her to feel ready. As I said, there was a lot of boob holding/rubbing/sucking etc, but nothing else. We were very passionate with the kissing aswell (would be kissing for 15 minutes straight, tongues etc) whenever we were together, which I really miss aswell, my other ex(Who I was with for over a year was in love with me but never seemed that passionate when it came to kissing etc, but this one really was). I keep dreading going clubbing in the next few weeks (I go out most weeks with a couple of mates, not to pick up girls, but just to have a good laugh with my mates, and very rarely even talk to a girl as I'm too nervous/shy), but I am dreading seeing her in there with all the guys all over her, knowing she was mine and now I mean nothing too her. Honestly, I keep seeing her in my mind. Hearing her laugh, seeing her princess like face, beautiful body and feel her cuddling me and hear her telling me she really likes me etc. And now, it's all over and I just hate it, even when I'm busy with mates, I can't think of anything else except for her. I hate myself for feeling like this, but I can't help it. I certainly can't see myself with anybody else for a while, I don't know how to meet anybody! (I met my first online I hate to admit, and the second via a work mate, so I have never actually been able to go out and meet anybody!)

[RJB]

This is going to sound ridiculous I know. But it's even at the point, where, I'll be listening to the radio and some new song will come on or a 'club' track will be on, and all I do is imagine her in a club dancing with a guy to it, kissing him, grinding with him, it makes me feel sick even thinking about it. I hate the thought of her with other guys, getting close to them, acting like I never even existed in her life, and yet all I do is think of her, I can't help it!!

[simplexity]

hmmm. .. virgin and yet doing those grinding and dancing with with other guys .. that's kinda odd .. oh well ..

anyways, please think why you guys broke up -- it's because she doesn't like the fact that you're making a deal about her dancing with other guys -- which is of course rightly so for you to get mad at..

So if let's say you wanted her back or talk to her , would that mean that you'll be ok with it, because that's how it will gonna played out if you do the initiative to come back to her instead of the other way around and letting her realize that it's a wrong thing to do.. it's your call OP ..

[Ms Darcy]

This was a very immature relationship which is normal for your ages. I think you are missing her as a bit of a trophy ... how pretty she is and her body. I think as you mature then you will start to seek and value women with similar values.

[RJB]

I broke the No.1 rule Tonight, after really fighting the urge not too.

 

I messaged her Tonight and we spoke for a while about things. She just said she couldn't stay in a relationship she wasn't happy in as it's not fair on either of us, and she kept telling me to move on etc. I am heartbroken and told her I'll never be able to meet a girl like her again and I love her as a person etc, and really want her back, but she said she can't. She said I'm a lovely guy and can be happy again, but I don;t see how right now! I miss her tonnes, and am not coping at all, even though deep down I know we weren't right for what each other needed/wanted, but I don't care, I like her so much. We ended the convo and agreed to never contact each other again, and I just burst out crying! I hate myself for arguing with her, but I know she acted wrong! It's torture right now, All I think about is her, I can't imagine myself finding anybody else, and don't even know how too, but I need to move on somehow?! I am dreading seeing her in the clubs/pubs in the near future, with all the guys all over her etc, and I told her this, and she just replied with something like ''well you're free now, why don't you go out and get the girls, flirt with them, have fun, move on, you can and will meet somebody better than me and will forget all about me soon, I know you will, you're a great guy, stop putting yourself down and worrying so much. We had our problems, but I like you and I know you will be happy and make someone happy in the future'' but I really don't see how I can!

[Ms Darcy]

She was actually very kind and mature in the way she handled that conversation.

 

Listen, you know you weren't right for each other and you know you don't love her. Hang on to those thoughts!

[Dragunov-21]

She really didn't. And she's right.

 

Unfortunately the two of you are fundamentally incompatible and that hurts a million times more because she's the most beautiful girl you've been with and you almost had her within your grasp. I understand. But it's not her fault any more than it is yours and the problem dividing you to is (very apparently) not a minor issue.

 

As far as the how goes, she has that covered. You pick yourself up, dust yourself off and go out armed with the knowledge that you can pull tens. Have a little confidence (because that's what's going to get you more girls in future).

[RJB]

She really didn't. And she's right.

 

Unfortunately the two of you are fundamentally incompatible and that hurts a million times more because she's the most beautiful girl you've been with and you almost had her within your grasp. I understand. But it's not her fault any more than it is yours and the problem dividing you to is (very apparently) not a minor issue.

 

As far as the how goes, she has that covered. You pick yourself up, dust yourself off and go out armed with the knowledge that you can pull tens. Have a little confidence (because that's what's going to get you more girls in future).

 

I wish I could believe all this, I really do. But there are so many reasons why this can't happen. For starters, the bars and clubs over here in the UK are just full of people wanting a quick bit of fun that night. I'm 100% not that type of person! I want to meet girls, get to know them, have a laugh, see how we get on and see if we can build something special, I really can't see how I can form something like that with a girl I meet on a drunken night out! And also, when I do go out, honestly, they give me one look and walk off!! Another thing she told me last night is when we were out last week (me with my mates and her with her mates) she said she hated it when I was there as she felt she was being watched, so she couldn't be how she wanted to be, so as soon as I left she felt a lot better and acted how she wanted with the blokes. If she was grinding them, whispering into their ears etc when I was there, what on Earth was she doing when I left?! Why do I feel so heartbroken and upset at the loss of a girl who wasn't even that bothered about us it'd seem? This is ridiculous, but I can't shake it off!

[Dragunov-21]

I wish I could believe all this, I really do. But there are so many reasons why this can't happen. For starters, the bars and clubs over here in the UK are just full of people wanting a quick bit of fun that night. I'm 100% not that type of person! I want to meet girls, get to know them, have a laugh, see how we get on and see if we can build something special, I really can't see how I can form something like that with a girl I meet on a drunken night out!

 

You can't (in all probability) which means you need to start looking for dates somewhere else. Bookstores, cafes, online... hell, I'm no good at it myself but I know enough to say that the club scene is about drinking, dancing and screwing in roughly equal quantities so if that's not what you want then you're going to have to find other places to approach girls.

 

Another thing she told me last night is when we were out last week (me with my mates and her with her mates) she said she hated it when I was there as she felt she was being watched, so she couldn't be how she wanted to be, so as soon as I left she felt a lot better and acted how she wanted with the blokes. If she was grinding them, whispering into their ears etc when I was there, what on Earth was she doing when I left?! Why do I feel so heartbroken and upset at the loss of a girl who wasn't even that bothered about us it'd seem? This is ridiculous, but I can't shake it off!

 

You seem pretty hung up on it; honestly from what you say I think she probably did like you and care about you. But being with you was making you both feel bad so she had to end it. Sounds like she handled it more maturely than most 18yos would have and it doesn't point to her not liking you.