Disgusted by Thoughts of Ex GF and her New Guy

[Boomshine]

Okay, I'm going to try to keep this as short as possible and give the barebones of the story. I'll give more info as needed if questions are asked, but I'm going to keep it to what I think is relevant here.

 

My girlfriend broke up with me almost 2 weeks ago and IMMEDIATELY started seeing a new guy. They're not bf/gf, but seeing each other at least. They're "really trying to make this work, and don't want to rush into anything." She and I are NC. She asked for space, and she's more than got it. I couldn't see myself being her friend right now anyway. I have stipulations that would have to be met in order for us to be friends (yes, I'm one of those people who TRULY can be friends with their exes), and with the current circumstances, she doesn't meet those.

 

I'm over the breakup. I have my closure (she's going through GIGS since we were together for 5 years and she's in a depression). I understand exactly why she's doing this, and letting her go off and do her thing. Maybe it'll be a mistake, maybe it'll be great for her. I dunno. Regardless, we can't be friends right now.

 

But my issue now is that I sometimes catch myself thinking about her and him being together. Being intimate in some manner. And obviously, it disgusts me. I still have desire for her, I won't deny. I know how I feel about her. But at this point, it's like being on a diet. I WANT ice cream, but I will NOT have ice cream. I'm not even tempting myself with ice cream. It's not even in my vicinity.

 

But she's still in my thoughts. And then the thoughts inevitably transition to where she is now. Now that she's with him. And I don't want in any way to think about it. I'm just wondering, is this something that will pass with time, or is this some sort of frame of mind that I need to analyze and reframe? That's what I did with her rejecting my offer to be friends currently. At first, I was incredibly hurt by the idea that my best friend was rejecting an offer to still be friends. But then today when I woke up, I realized "It doesn't matter if she's rejecting me, because even if she weren't, I COULDN'T be friends with her right now anyway." I reframed the rejection onto her, and now I feel immensely better about it.

 

So what do I do about these thoughts? I try and keep myself as busy as I possibly can, and to distract myself in the most fun and interesting ways possible, but it still doesn't stop it. She essentially broke up with me to be with him, and there was absolutely NO downtime between the two relationships, which I think is a big factor as to why these thoughts come into my mind. But it's not that I think he's better than me at all. I know their relationship is going to fizzle and fall apart eventually. The honeymoon phase just needs to end and the lust has to dissipate.

 

So how do I tackle these thoughts?

[Mesemene]

And obviously, it disgusts me. I still have desire for her, I won't deny. I know how I feel about her. But at this point, it's like being on a diet. I WANT ice cream, but I will NOT have ice cream. I'm not even tempting myself with ice cream. It's not even in my vicinity.

 

She and I are NC. She asked for space, and she's more than got it. I couldn't see myself being her friend right now anyway.

 

You have it there. While the logical part of you may "understand" and "have closure" the emotional part isn't going to be done nipping at your heels so fast. After a breakup - it's a common thing that your emotional self usually pushes you to do the very worst things possible.

 

And there's no easy solution. The only thing that seems to help a bit is to immediately make yourself do something that requires physical effort and focus - like (for example) "every time I think of her and HIM I will do 10 one handed pushups on EACH SIDE." And stick to it.

 

Your body isn't stupid. Stick with it and the thoughts eventually taper off, because your other self, when your mind thinks that way, will be immediately reacting "oh no, no, oh HELLS no."

[Boomshine]

Oh, also, I should say that this is the first time that I've ever been left by someone who I've cared about immensely where they IMMEDIATELY got into a new "relationship." So maybe it's just that I've never had to deal with rolling with these particular punches before?

[dereitis]

Had your exact scenario. 5 years, she had an immediate rebound, really bad thoughts of her and her new man being physical. They went away when I finally got physical with someone else and a couple months of no contact. I thought in was going to rot into the ground and now I really don't care at all about it. It happens, just keep up with NC, try not to see her in person, let a few months pass by and get to know some new women.

[Boomshine]

You have it there. While the logical part of you may "understand" and "have closure" the emotional part isn't going to be done nipping at your heels so fast. After a breakup - it's a common thing that your emotional self usually pushes you to do the very worst things possible.

 

And there's no easy solution. The only thing that seems to help a bit is to immediately make yourself do something that requires physical effort and focus - like (for example) "every time I think of her and HIM I will do 10 one handed pushups on EACH SIDE." And stick to it.

 

Your body isn't stupid. Stick with it and the thoughts eventually taper off, because your other self, when your mind thinks that way, will be immediately reacting "oh no, no, oh HELLS no."

 

So go for something not only mentally distracting, but physically distracting as well? Alright, I'm down to give it a shot. Do you have any other good ideas aside from the pushup example? I do workout, and during those times, my mind is focused on that and that alone, and I always feel better afterwards, but the feelings don't hold through 24/7, so I'm definitely down the the pushup idea as well!

[Mesemene]

It can be pretty much anything that has a "good" result, but is WORK and at least somewhat punishing.

 

I did yard work and cleaned during my divorce. My furniture was moved around constantly (which, if your ex was over a lot, is a good idea anyway since new layout can prevent constant visual triggers). and my garage was even clean enough to eat in. I trimmed bushes. I polished. I swept. I redecorated and reorganized. Any task that I had procrastinated on got done. I completely planted and landscaped my dad's overgrown backyard.

 

I was exhausted, lost 30 pounds, but by golly, the house was the cleanest and shiniest on the block.

[Boomshine]

Had your exact scenario. 5 years, she had an immediate rebound, really bad thoughts of her and her new man being physical. They went away when I finally got physical with someone else and a couple months of no contact. I thought in was going to rot into the ground and now I really don't care at all about it. It happens, just keep up with NC, try not to see her in person, let a few months pass by and get to know some new women.

 

NC, meet new potential interests, and maybe even a rebound? Done and done. Well, maybe on the rebound thing, gonna depend on the woman, but as far as NC and meeting others go, I'm already on that track. I don't foresee my ex meeting my criteria to be friends for QUITE some time (most likely months at the VERY least), and I'm making plans to have drinks with a woman I met about a month ago on Saturday night.

[Boomshine]

It can be pretty much anything that has a "good" result, but is WORK and at least somewhat punishing.

 

I did yard work and cleaned during my divorce. My furniture was moved around constantly (which, if your ex was over a lot, is a good idea anyway since new layout can prevent constant visual triggers). and my garage was even clean enough to eat in. I trimmed bushes. I polished. I swept. I redecorated and reorganized. Any task that I had procrastinated on got done. I completely planted and landscaped my dad's overgrown backyard.

 

I was exhausted, lost 30 pounds, but by golly, the house was the cleanest and shiniest on the block.

 

So any form of physical labor. Something that taxes you. Got it. I'm on it like Blue Bonnet! Thank you!

[Iamstruggling]

I can feel your pain I went through the same pain around 11 months back and it is still clawing at my insides when I think how little I meant to my ex that she would jump into another relationship in a little over a week after our breakup rather than talk and work on 'us'. Exercise and the gym did help for a few months but it was more of a short fix pushing the thoughts to the side instead of fixing the crap in my head.

 

Friends help a lot and also rearranging your life to manage your priorities now she is no longer in it, also helps. Can't say I'm 100% even after all this time but better than 11 months ago. 3 days til my ex's birthday which is going to be a awful day but no worse than Valentine's day which was horrific (cos I looked at her facebook). Killing off social media helps 100% been off facebook 4 months, should have done it sooner.

 

I feel your pain but if they cared they wouldn't have screwed us over, so they aren't worth our time or our thoughts.

[kz91]

Exact same thing happened to me, she finished me and got into a relationship with someone else. She was this dude when she was with me!

 

Did the no contact thing and she messaged me saying she needs me because she loves me. So I gave it ago, but being friends was virtually impossible for me, it hurt me too much. You can't be friends with someone you're in love with, the only reason they want to be friends is to ease the guilt on their place.

 

The thoughts of her with him was something I couldn't handle, it felt like getting punched in the stomach everytime I thought about it. But it gradually gets less, day by day. To a point where you aren't bothered, like me. You just hope they're happy.

[Ann]

Exact same thing happened to me, she finished me and got into a relationship with someone else. She was this dude when she was with me!

 

Did the no contact thing and she messaged me saying she needs me because she loves me. So I gave it ago, but being friends was virtually impossible for me, it hurt me too much. You can't be friends with someone you're in love with, the only reason they want to be friends is to ease the guilt on their place.

 

The thoughts of her with him was something I couldn't handle, it felt like getting punched in the stomach everytime I thought about it. But it gradually gets less, day by day. To a point where you aren't bothered, like me. You just hope they're happy.

 

It really does feel like you are being punched in the stomach. I know that it will ease, day by day, but you just find yourself wishing that time would hurry up!

[NoIdea2013]

I'm going throgh this a lot just now, in my case it was 3 weeks, and she went back to the ex who pestered her throughout the relationship. (sending her flowers on Valentines day, always looking to "catch up" etc etc)

 

Exercise doesn't help me forget, it just tires me out enough so I can sleep, it's constantly in my head, just bubbling away subconciously, everpresent.

[SooSad33]

You are going through 'stages' of loss. Losing someone & relationship is a TRUE loss- like death.

You are trying to 'accept' & deal with it all now.

It will take some time.. basically a few months. At least one month per year you were together, do you work on this and take this NEEDED time now to deal with yourself and your pains. ( Unlike she's doing). Yes, her new relations is like a 'rebound'.

 

It'll hurt.. you'll feel anxious, denial, heartbroken, confused, anger...for a while now, over the loss. And it'll come in 'waves'. One day will be half tolerable and then you'll have a few really 'low days' etc.

It'll take some time and won't be easy... but we, here understand your pain. We've been there and this is why you're here and that's good... you're not alone.

 

Now, best thing to do is leave them alone. Don't bother her. Keep low key now and worry about YOU. This is YOUR time to deal with it.. and work on you. Get your rest, get out- exercise, do sports. walk w/e. Eat well... Because you will be dealing with a lot of emotions the next few weeks/mos.

 

Remain NC or LC. In time, you'll see what happens with them. Usually things start going down from 6 mos on.. if not sooner for many in rebound relationships, because they did NOT deal with the break up, therefore they are emotionally unavailable etc. ( You can search rebounds).

Good luck.. take care.. and stick around while you deal with this.. tc

[SooSad33]

Also.. re; being 'friends' with an Ex?

You can't, really.. UNTIL those 'feelings' are gone that you feel for her.

Try for friendship in a year or so.. when they're gone and NOTHING will bother you.

[Dcgent]

I'm over the breakup. I have my closure

 

You are obviously not over the break-up so don't fool yourself. If you broke up with her, then you need to let her do her thing and not worry so much about it. You didn't want to be with her, so why worry about her personal life at this point. I know you probably want well for her, but you need to get over her being with others. She has every right to. Focus on yourself. You wanted to be by yourself, so enjoy the time of focusing on yourself. You parted ways, so stop looking back or trying to figure out what way she is going.

 

Good Luck

[mbee]

This is a part of healing. I had these EXACT same feelings after 3 months post-BU (the point where I knew I didn't want to be my ex anymore). I dealt with that agony for probably 1-2 months after that realization. There was even a point where I wished he'd stay with that woman, since the next one would probably be a better candidate at being his girlfriend. This is a part of healing. You know logically why she's not good for you, but your feelings still need to catch up. Stay NC for as long as possible and those feelings should go away.

 

Please don't rebound if you can help it. It can hurt someone, if that particular person is someone who does care about you. For instance, I'm now seeing someone and that has helped push me over the hump of my ex quite a bit, but I'm not ready to commit to him, and it sounds like he's freaking out about just being a rebound to me (which he's not). Doing physical activities like exercise should help. You could also start casually dating just to try something new.

[dereitis]

NC, meet new potential interests, and maybe even a rebound? Done and done. Well, maybe on the rebound thing, gonna depend on the woman, but as far as NC and meeting others go, I'm already on that track. I don't foresee my ex meeting my criteria to be friends for QUITE some time (most likely months at the VERY least), and I'm making plans to have drinks with a woman I met about a month ago on Saturday night.

 

It took a girl just being interested in me at the slightest to get my mind off of it. After some physicality you don't think about your ex in bed with another man, you think about you in bed with your new "interest" per say. Be cautious with a rebound relationship.. but finding just a woman you can have fun with a couple times or date is great. I wouldn't ever be friends with an ex but that's just me. Maybe if you only dated for a few weeks or months but not 5 years. That's too much intimacy to be acquaintances for me.

[kz91]

It really does feel like you are being punched in the stomach. I know that it will ease, day by day, but you just find yourself wishing that time would hurry up!

 

It takes time sadly, but you'll get there. Never give up.

[Boomshine]

Also.. re; being 'friends' with an Ex?

You can't, really.. UNTIL those 'feelings' are gone that you feel for her.

Try for friendship in a year or so.. when they're gone and NOTHING will bother you.

 

I don't know that those feelings will fade though. It's not how I felt about her over the last 7 months, but from before when we were actually in love. We were together for 4.5 years, and we fell madly in love with each other during that time. Then we both fell into a depression during the course of the relationship, as we both has lost our individuality and what made us tick as human beings, and only focused on each other for our source of happiness. She fell out of love (loss of attraction because of my behavior - again, I was depressed and didn't even know it yet), and eventually she broke up with me Dec 2012. We didn't talk for a month, started hanging out as friends again, and we both decided to give things another shot 6 weeks after first contact, but on a different level. She wanted it to be more of a casual thing because she couldn't commit to a relationship with where she was. She KNEW she was in a depression, but didn't realize it so much consciously. Just felt it in her bones.

 

These last 7 months that we were together, neither of us fell in love. She couldn't commit anything deeply, and so we were both heavily attracted to each other, me moreso because I knew what she COULD be, seeing her before she feel into a depression, and her because I'd changed the aspects I needed about myself to actually pull myself out of my depression and become an attractive man again.

 

But for me, it wasn't so much about who she was in these past recent months. It's more about me knowing who she TRULY can be, and my love for her wanting to see her become that person once again. There's a reason I fell for her as much as I did in the first couple months that we ever started dating, and even AFTER the lust had faded. She's an AMAZING match for me when she's at her fullest. And it can happen again. But that's entirely on her at this point, and when that will happen, only time can tell. I was only attempting to help her get back on her own two feet and give her the support and belief she needed to really move forward with it. That is the ONLY reason I was willing to give things a second chance. Because I know it's possible to find your internal happiness, regardless of your relationship status.

 

As far as trying for a friendship goes though, I'm done with that. She's going to have to come to me and meet my stipulations for friendship. I'm tired of her taking me, my feelings for her, and even her feelings for me for granted. But I DO know she cares about me. She does love me. Not IN LOVE, but she loves me. And I am truly one of her best friends. She'll be back. Without a doubt. It's all just a matter of when, and if she meets the criteria I've set for her to be friends with me when she does. And if she does, I can do it, feelings for her and all. The one way I see my feelings for her really fading away is by finding someone else who truly takes the #1 spot of desire on my list. She still holds that rank from years ago. And if she's no longer my #1, if I find a different type of woman who matches up much better with me than she and I did in the past, then I wouldn't want to be with my ex again because I'd be settling for less than what I truly want.

 

You are obviously not over the break-up so don't fool yourself. If you broke up with her, then you need to let her do her thing and not worry so much about it. You didn't want to be with her, so why worry about her personal life at this point. I know you probably want well for her, but you need to get over her being with others. She has every right to. Focus on yourself. You wanted to be by yourself, so enjoy the time of focusing on yourself. You parted ways, so stop looking back or trying to figure out what way she is going.

 

Good Luck

 

Nope, she broke up with me. And as much as she doesn't want to admit me, she broke up with me because her feelings of lust for her other guy are stronger than her feelings for me at current were. But it's not going to last. This guy is a mutual friend of ours, and her ex bf from before me. When they were together at 16, he cheated on her. It devastated her. And over the course of the last year, they'd hung out maybe 3 or 4 times total, and he'd tell me that she's showing signs of being interested in him.

 

I asked him how he felt about it, and he said he did have feelings for her still, and he still loves her as a person and friend as well, but he's found other types of women in his life who challenge him more as a man, that are better muses to him, and make him want to be a better person more than my ex ever did. Plus, if they ever did get together, he could only see it lasting like maybe 4-5 months through the honeymoon phase, and then the infatuation would fade, and he'd just break her heart again, maybe even in the same manner (cheating on her). He's spent the last 3 years of his life thinking instead of doing, and he feels that he's the kind of person who was made to do instead of think, so that's why he's apparently changed his mind on the subject, and he's just going for it because it feels right in the here and now.

 

I DID want to be with her, but I also wanted to see her continue to grow as her own individual person. And she felt that she couldn't do that unless she was truly single. But now she thinks the situation is different because she's feeling much stronger feelings for someone. And I can't wait to see where she winds up when the lust fades, and depression starts kicking in again. When she hits the exact same problems she hit with him that she hit with me. When the lust fades, and they start seeing each other for their true selves once again.

 

As far as my own individual feelings go, I was happy with what we had over the last 7 months, because I know what she's been going through with the depression, having been through it myself. I was more than accommodating for it. But I wouldn't want her to be with me if she doesn't view me as her #1 desire. I wouldn't want to try and keep her with me and have her always wondering "What if?" and fantasizing more about someone else than me because he's a fantasy figure that she RARELY ever talked to. So let them be together. Let the fantasy aspects fade away as they truly start to learn more about each other, and see how things really wind up. And if she's made no true progress toward her own individuality, it's not gonna be long for them. Plus, what he told me about how things would go down when his infatuation ends as well. He knows there's better matches for him, and he's said he's settling for less by being with her.

 

So no, I didn't want to be by myself. But I never wanted the situation that it wound up becoming either. I DID want things to work out between us, for her to pull out of her depression, and her to be able to fall in love with me again. But that's not what happened, and so I'm dealing with the cards I was given in the best way possible: Understanding what she's going through, and allowing her to go out and do it, to learn and make whatever potential mistakes she may make. When it's all said and done, I'm pretty damn confident that I'm gonna be back on top in her mind. But she HAS to love herself on top of many other criteria for me to even CONSIDER getting into a relationship with her again. And I would REALLY have to consider and analyze before I would even take the risk of making that first step into a relationship again.

 

I was only ever good to her. We never argued or fought. We could always talk things out, and I always made an effort to make sure I understood entirely where she was coming from. I listened to her emotions and empathized/sympathized with her 100%. I can read her like a book. And my love for her has always been unconditional. At some point, she's going to stop taking me for granted. She's going to stop worrying if there's greener grass to be had, and be in the right place to actually maintain the lawn she's on and be proud of it.

 

And when that happens (which won't until she loves herself and commit fully to a relationship without sacrificing herself), I may very well be the green grass that she wants to come to. And if we're both single and we both want it, it may happen. Or she may wind up loving herself and decide that he's the best grass to work on. Or maybe a different guy.

 

But as long as she loves herself and is truly happy, regardless of her relationship status, then I'll be happy for her and proudly be her friend. I just dread the day where these two break up, and she's right back in the dumps once again. Although that may be the wakeup call she needs to truly stay single and find and love herself. Again, only time will tell.

 

This is a part of healing. I had these EXACT same feelings after 3 months post-BU (the point where I knew I didn't want to be my ex anymore). I dealt with that agony for probably 1-2 months after that realization. There was even a point where I wished he'd stay with that woman, since the next one would probably be a better candidate at being his girlfriend. This is a part of healing. You know logically why she's not good for you, but your feelings still need to catch up. Stay NC for as long as possible and those feelings should go away.

 

Please don't rebound if you can help it. It can hurt someone, if that particular person is someone who does care about you. For instance, I'm now seeing someone and that has helped push me over the hump of my ex quite a bit, but I'm not ready to commit to him, and it sounds like he's freaking out about just being a rebound to me (which he's not). Doing physical activities like exercise should help. You could also start casually dating just to try something new.

 

Well, like I said, I don't want to be with her in her current form again. I already made and learned from that mistake. Trying again would be just as foolish. She needs to become a better version of the girl I fell in love with years ago. THAT'S who I want to be with. But she's not there right now, and I'm dealing with that. I don't have strong feelings for the woman I was just with, I have strong feelings for who she once was and who she can eventually (and hopefully will) become again.

 

I'm not looking for sex at this point. My libido is so low, it's almost like I'm a Ken doll down there. I have thought about sex SO little in the last 2 weeks since the breakup. Plus, I really have to get to know a person before I could have sex with them. It's not just about getting my "D" wet like so many other guys. Sex is an emotional outlet for me on top of how fun and exhilarating it can be. There has to be a bit of passion beyond just physical beauty, and so I'd really have to get to know someone. Casual dating and seeing people though, I'm completely on board for. Just waiting for those mystical magical women to appear.

 

PS. I'm not holding anyone to high standards either. I'm not turning people down for date opportunities or anything because they don't match up to my ex. My ex has all the high standards that I'm holding her to, so that mistakes are never repeated. For any new person though, I only have three criteria for a relationship/friendship/whatever: Fun, comfort, and honesty. If the both of us can have those three things, you're all good in my book, and I'm down to see how things play out!

 

 

 

It took a girl just being interested in me at the slightest to get my mind off of it. After some physicality you don't think about your ex in bed with another man, you think about you in bed with your new "interest" per say. Be cautious with a rebound relationship.. but finding just a woman you can have fun with a couple times or date is great. I wouldn't ever be friends with an ex but that's just me. Maybe if you only dated for a few weeks or months but not 5 years. That's too much intimacy to be acquaintances for me.

 

Yeah, I'm not looking for a new girlfriend or anything. But I'd love to get to know some new people.

 

The intimacy from the past doesn't frighten me. It created a deeper bond between us and is part to blame (but not entirely or even primarily) for why we have such a strong connection. I think the main reason why she's intimidated about being friends is because I told her on the night we broke up that I didn't think we could be friends, because I know what my feelings for her are, and trying to be just platonic when I DO have these feelings for her would just be lying to myself. Then, 5 days later after I'd reflected on my feelings much more, I realized, no, I love this woman, and the only way I'd really be lying to myself would be to cut her out completely forever when she's one of my best friends, and I can share my deepest darkest secrets and be my true self around her.

 

But I love her too much to see her putting herself potentially into the same ol trap she fell into with me. And if I'm wrong, and things actually work out between the two of them, and she CAN love herself while being with him, and will continue to do so even if/when they eventually break up, then I'll eat my words and my hat, and be her friend. But that has to be proven first, because if I'm around, and she's just so madly in lust with him that she REALLY is deviating from finding her true self and passion in life because she's with him, I can't be around to witness all of that.

 

I'm not afraid to be her friend. Just under the right circumstances. If she loves herself, we're friends and all is gravy. If not, but she's being 100% platonic with everyone in her life so as to no longer distract herself from her mission of finding herself, we can be friends. But when she doesn't love herself, is essentially in another relationship, and is so blinded by lust, things just aren't going to go well between the two of us.

[Boomshine]

And just like that, the answer seemed clear! Okay, it was because I was listening to a video on my phone while I just took a shower. But I got the answer I needed. I'm still emotionally attached to her, obviously, as everyone has said in one way or another on this thread. But the key thing about this is, I'm not emotionally attached to who she IS, I'm emotionally attached to who she WAS, and to who she can hopefully one day become again. In essence, I'm not accepting reality for what it is, and I'm dwelling on the past too much. And us being together over the last 7 months most likely (if not definitely) has only been hindering my progress in losing my attachment to who she once was.

 

I basically just kept telling myself, "It's okay. She come back to the top of her game again someday, and when she does, everything will be good." But I shouldn't have tried. It hindered her progress on finding herself and TRULY becoming who she will become, it hindered my progress on dropping my emotional attachment, and being more okay with or without her in my life, and it may have even left her view of me in a worse light then before since now we've tried TWICE and failed. (I don't count this as a real try in my eyes though, seeing now what I do.)

 

I'm not just disgusted by the thoughts of them because of my feelings for her. I'm disgusted also because she's my friend and I feel like she's making the wrong choice for herself right now. And I'm disgusted because even if we're not currently active friends, I do still love her and want what's best for her.

 

But my feelings for her don't make me want to be with her as she stands right now.

And my friendship with her is "inactive," for lack of a better term.

And my love for her I only gained because of the strong, vibrant person she ONCE was, not who she is now.

 

I need to accept reality for what it is RIGHT NOW. And right now, she's not my lover, she's not my friend, and she only has my love because of years past, not who she is now. Who she is RIGHT NOW, I don't want her as a friend or a lover. And this love for her is certainly getting exhausting when I have absolutely NO control, say, or influence in what she does or how she betters herself. I could tell her a thousand different reasons why I think what she's doing right now is a bad choice, but in the end, she's still going to do what she's going to do. And she'll probably only take my advice as a jaded ex-lover as opposed to a friend anyhow.

 

So I just have to accept the here and now for what it really is. The future can bring changes, and if it does, then I'll have some pleasant surprises waiting for me down the road. But as far as RIGHT NOW goes, I just gotta accept the cards as they were dealt to me.

 

Thank you everyone, for all the help. There's nothing more cathartic than just getting your feelings OUT THERE and being able to process them openly instead of just internally. I appreciate everything, and if anyone still has more to say, I'll still be more than glad to hear/read it.

[FreeFallFeelin]

"I'm over the breakup. I have my closure"

 

You're obviously not over it, and in fact, you're probably going to feel even rougher once things settle in and you realize that it's over, probably for real this time. And "closure" means that you aren't trying to figure out the dynamics of what happened, who said what when and how, any longer. You clearly are NOT there my friend. It will take a lot of time. Don't be ashamed though. Losing someone is a big deal if you really love them.

 

You also have "stipulations" that she must meet before you allow her to be your friend. Trust me, she gives a damn about your stipulations. That's fine if you want to be friends with her (if that's even possible), but you placing demands on her will only cause her to distance herself from you forever. People almost always take the path of least resistance, and living up to your stipulations after the relationship has ended is putting demands on someone who has already decided that they can and will get along without you. If you are to be friends (or in any type of relationship) you must accept her as she is. Expect even less from someone who has tried to be in a relationship with you more than once, and had it fail every time (not saying it's your fault).

 

There is a quote I saw here on ENA a long time ago that sums up how hard you should try to force a relationship, and here it is:

"Relationships are like farts. If you have to push too hard, it's probably ."

 

I know firsthand how badly it hurts to have the person you love leave you and go directly to another (my ex within a few days ...cheating anyone?). There is insult added to injury. It is insanely painful. But this is also where you need to decide to keep your dignity and not be her door mat. Do not stick around to watch her play the field. It will drive you mad.

[Boomshine]

"I'm over the breakup. I have my closure"

 

You're obviously not over it, and in fact, you're probably going to feel even rougher once things settle in and you realize that it's over, probably for real this time. And "closure" means that you aren't trying to figure out the dynamics of what happened, who said what when and how, any longer. You clearly are NOT there my friend. It will take a lot of time. Don't be ashamed though. Losing someone is a big deal if you really love them.

 

You're right, I should have said, I have my closure and understanding that I need to begin the process of being over the breakup. What you're calling closure is what I call having fully moved on. Closure for me is understanding the breakup, why it happened, and what people are feeling. Knowing these things allows me to realize the mistakes that were made over the course of the relationship, whether my mistakes, hers, or even another influence. Questions have been asked, answers given where she was able to actually give them (she doesn't fully understand what's going on with herself yet), and supplemented through talks with friends, family, and even forum posts and articles online. I have my answers. Now it's just a matter of moving on from it all, which will happen a LOT faster now that I've had these two key mindset shifts in the last two days.

 

You also have "stipulations" that she must meet before you allow her to be your friend. Trust me, she gives a damn about your stipulations. That's fine if you want to be friends with her (if that's even possible), but you placing demands on her will only cause her to distance herself from you forever. People almost always take the path of least resistance, and living up to your stipulations after the relationship has ended is putting demands on someone who has already decided that they can and will get along without you. If you are to be friends (or in any type of relationship) you must accept her as she is. Expect even less from someone who has tried to be in a relationship with you more than once, and had it fail every time (not saying it's your fault).

 

I wouldn't call them demands. If she can't meet them, we can't be friends, sure. If she wants to take up the effort to meet the stipulations, that's entirely on her. I would never force her.

 

Having said that, I realized just a bit ago that the only reason I HAVE these stipulations is BECAUSE of my emotional attachment to her still. But when I can fully let go of the past, of who she ONCE was, and stop holding on to who she may eventually become again (a full and whole human being who loves herself), I may find myself to be able to be her friend, even if I think she's making a mistake. In other words, these stipulations may be damned entirely come some time when I'm no longer attached. I'm not attached to her for who is she RIGHT NOW, so I may be able to be a much more carefree and relaxed friend than I even thought possible. And like (I think) I said in my last post, it's only because of who she one was that I even fell in love with her and developed true love for her. If I only knew her over these last 7 months, I'd probably be able to just shrug my shoulders and walk away without a care.

 

So I may just be able to accept her as she is come the future, so long as I can rid myself of this emotional attachment. And I'm going to start the process of doing so by going out and meeting new people who will blow her out of the water compared to who she is at current. It'll be incredibly hard for me to hold such an emotional attachment to her when there will be other, more influential people in my life that she can't hold a candle to in her current state.

 

There is a quote I saw here on ENA a long time ago that sums up how hard you should try to force a relationship, and here it is:

"Relationships are like farts. If you have to push too hard, it's probably ."

 

I know firsthand how badly it hurts to have the person you love leave you and go directly to another (my ex within a few days ...cheating anyone?). There is insult added to injury. It is insanely painful. But this is also where you need to decide to keep your dignity and not be her door mat. Do not stick around to watch her play the field. It will drive you mad.

 

Oh I'm most definitely not. At the same time, I'm kinda laughing on the inside. He thinks he got such a sweet deal out of this, but if anything between them is going to last at all past the honeymoon phase, there's going to be at least 4 or 5 different checks that they'll have to pass, and I REALLY don't think that's going to happen, based off everything I've heard from the both of them over the last two years. (Did I mention dude was one of our mutual friends, and also one of my closest friends up until this incident?) Someone somewhere is going to slip up in some manner. One of them is going to fail a check, and this lust will die fast.

 

I DID mention she and I are NC, right? I'm not sitting around waiting for her to contact me. Based on the attachment and stipulations I still currently have, I couldn't be her friend even if she wanted to right now. So she doesn't get to just come back to me whenever. The attachment fades, case might be different. But it's going to be a MUCH different Boom that she'll be looking at at that point compared to the one she once knew. It's gonna be pretty damn her for her to use me as a doormat when I just don't give as much of a s**t and just don't care that much at all anymore.

 

"The opposite of love is not hate. It's indifference."

 

Based on who she is now, I'm starting to become indifferent. I love who she WAS, and I may love who she BECOMES in the future. But right now, I feel a massive case of the cantgiveas**ts coming on...

[bwhite00]

You force yourself past them. Engross yourself in a book or other activity. My Ex told me 3 weeks post break-up that she was going to take things slow too, and within 2 weeks they were a committed couple. Break all ties. If you find yourself fantasizing about her, SWITCH IT OFF IMMEDIATELY; fantasize about someone else. It's a defense mechanism to make you feel better but if you actively partake in those thoughts, it'll make the process so much harder than it has to be, exactly why NC is so effective at moving on. You don't want to be with this person. I'm in the same boat. Even if she comes back like mine did, she'll do it again. This is my experience at least.

 

The rebound is nothing more than her weakness at being unable to handle the loss on her own. She's using someone to get over you. Eventually, she will miss you terribly. And probably come back if you a) concentrate on yourself b) don't contact her and c) date others... but do you really want her back>?

[Boomshine]

I just want to say, I agree with your post ENTIRELY, BW. There's only one thing I have to say that I don't think you're expecting.

 

but do you really want her back?

 

I do.

 

But not the version of her that's currently there. I want her at her fullest, like I knew her before. I want her where she's passionate about things. Has hobbies and activities that she TRULY loves as opposed to just whiling away time on NetFlix like she does now. Has a reason to wake up in the morning other than her obligations and external happiness.

 

But as I said before, I take pride in learning from my mistakes and never repeating them. So I have a set of checks in place that I will mentally run down before us getting back together will even be a real consideration in my mid.

[Boomshine]

Blah, my phone posted the post before I was finished with it, and it took me over half an hour to finish the edit, so I timed out, and it was all for naught... So here we go, take 2!

 

Those checks that I have set are as follows:

1. She has to unshakably love herself. I'm not saying she has to know entirely who she is or will be as a person, but she has to have a FEW things that she's passionate about at least.

2. I have to be her #1 desire again. And that could damn well happen again. I know she still finds me attractive, both physically and behaviorally, even today, and she still loves and cares about me. And me being an attractive friend at some point in her life could bring that spark to more of a fire in her heart once again. We may be friends, but I will never truly be in her Friend Zone / Platonic Zone. She just has to get past her GIGS and decide what she REALLY wants.

3. She going to have to be willing to actually publicly call herself my girlfriend this time. The last 7 months, she didn't, and this ties in to both the depression and the GIGS. She was basically trying to be one foot in, one foot out the whole time. I knew what was going on, and never pressured her about it. I wanted her to feel as comfortable as possible and to just find herself. But now I know that if one person is more committed that the other, it's just not gonna fly...

4. She has to be single and want it (me). I'm not going to let her jump ship from another guy to me. I have to know that this is something she wants and has prepared for, and isn't jumping ship because of GIGS still, lust, potentially using me as a rebound, or anything like that,

And 5. I have to be single and want it. I don't know where I'm going to be at that point in my life if this is something that she wants again. I could very well be married to a woman who's taken that #1 desire spot in my mind for all I know.

 

These 5 checks are going to prevent me from getting into a relationship with her and letting a mistake repeat itself. They prevent us from going through a breakup for one of the same reasons we've broken up these two times. If we break up again for the same reason a second time, I'm out and done completely. But if we breakup for some new reason that I couldn't foresee, then I only see that as a new learning experience and something to better myself from.

 

That all said, it's quite a lot of hoops to jump through, and a lot of circumstances that have to be just right. And who knows if it all can ever line up in this manner? Only time will tell. But I can tell you that if this should ever be the case, and those 5 checks all get a Pass, it would be pretty desirable in my mind, and I would at least consider it. (As far as I stand right now, anyhow.)

 

And until then, we are nothing but platonic. I won't even make out with her unless I'm ready to be in a relationship with her. I don't feel like playing with fire in this particular circumstance. I want it to be a damn sure thing. I don't want to develop any feelings for her if that's something I can't have for one reason or another. Whether I really want it but can't have it (based on circumstances, my restrictions, her restrictions, whatever reason it may be), or I even just truly don't want it, I'm not going to allow myself to get close to her again unless I KNOW it's a safe path to treat. Especially not when there's other women out there who are more available and who very easily could be more desirable than my ex is in her current state of depression and GIGS. Hell, maybe I'll even find a woman who's available and is more desirable than my ex was at the time I fell in love with her, knocking my ex out of my #1 desire spot for good!

 

Again, only time will tell. In the meantime, I'm just enjoying the here and now for what it truly is.