Disgusted by Thoughts of Ex GF and her New Guy

[Crazyabouther]

Man... I can relate to what you're going through right now...

 

If you check out my thread you'll see what happened. It's very recent and very raw. Get this, she told me that she "truly" loves me, doesn't want me to understand why she is with someone else and I can tell you that the sleepless nights, vomitting and practically ever negative emotion and sadness has been running through my head and i have no answers. But I know this. The fact that our respective exes know how much what they're doing hurts us and they continue to do it, is sick. Contacting them is the equivalent to donating blood to Dracula. I was about to contact my ex last night and thanks to some really good advice I got from people on this site, I held back. And so should you. One day, they will wake up and realise what they've done. They may contact us, they may not. But they will know.

[bwhite00]

Hey bro, I'm completely with you, my ex girlfriend was my best friend and the most beautiful woman I have EVER met. I know what it's like to want someone back so badly every cell in your body aches for that person. But once trust, rapport, and faith is snapped... Pertaining to human nature, that has a tendency to repeat itself. For me, it's the second time she's done this. And I know there are extenuating circumstances in my case (long distance), but even so, once trust is snapped... *if* you do get back together, as soon as the relationship cools off (as they ALL do after time), and she gets distant... or spends time with guy friends or whatever... YOU WILL NOT TRUST HER. Then comes the manipulative, controlling, needy behavior. Screw that. Move on dude. I am... and I thought I was going to *DIE* from grief.

[bwhite00]

That is SPOT ON. They're emotional vampires. Do NOT GIVE THEM ANY POSITIVE ENERGY TO FEED OFF OF, they will SUCK IT OUT OF YOU and leave you completely F'ED!

 

I went on a platonic "date" type deal with my ex a month and a half after she broke my heart and she was with the guy who directly/indirectly perpetuated the split (EVIL comes full Circle, btw), and it was the BEST NIGHT I CAN RECALL. The next morning she texted me saying she'd love me forever. And you know what? We've talked approximately 0 times on the phone or text in the past MONTH. If you love someone, you don't push them to the abyss and wave good-bye. In fact quite the opposite, you HELP THEM WHEN THEY"RE DOWN, not kick them. It's sadistic. Don't give her the satisfaction of knowing the power she has over you and the ONLY way to do this, is to see other people, focus on yourself... and stop dwelling on the past. It's F'ing IMPOSSIBLE sometimes, I know, but YOU HAVE TO.

 

And finally, sooner or later, their power will diminish into nothing... and more often than not, their rebound will fail and they'll come back. It is what it is... but I think it's best to start something new with someone better. Even if that takes a year+ and requires a lot of loneliness in the meantime.

[acjigga]

Well said bwhite00. Going through the same thing now. The best thing to do is what everyone else is saying - cut off all contact and allow yourself to heal. My ex left me about 6 months ago and it still hurts like hell. She was in a relationship about a month after we broke up (and I'm SURE she was with this guy way before). But you have to allow your silence to speak for you. And don't go no contact to get her back - do it to heal.

[Boomshine]

She doesn't want you to understand because she doesn't fully understand herself. She's not doing it because she's rationalized it, she's doing it because she feels it. Look up the Grass is Greener Syndrome, and see if that gives you some of the answers. Fits my situation to a T, that's for sure. I haven't talked to her since the 13th, and have no intentions of ending that. She already knows that I want to be friends again, so there's nothing more I can do at this point. I've been telling myself this whole time that if I thought of anything else I'd have to say to her, I'd just write it down and save it for another day, but to be honest, I haven't even thought of anything. So I'm not concerned at all. Hell, the fact that she wants space just goes to show that she's still emotionally attached to me, even though she's seeing someone new, so she's gonna have to process this all at some point. And after she does, I'm willing to be everything I own she'll be back to talk to me.

 

 

 

I'm moving on, but I'm still open to a chance in the future. I say in the future because she has changes she needs to make before that could even happen. I don't desire her for who she is, but for who she once was, and can potentially become again. Depression is a , and it's what caused her to cheat. It's the reason why she was seeing other guys while we were together over these last 7 months. It's why she has GIGS. So if she comes back, and says that she's started to find some internal happiness in her life, that's one step closer towards a potential new relationship with us. If you go through this thread (I think on Page 2), you'll find a list of 5 stipulations I have that have to all pass in order for me to even consider another chance with her in my mind. To even THINK about it as a possibility.

 

 

 

Actually, I disagree. I think this time apart in NC is going to do something really good for the both of us. I NEED to lose the emotional attachment to her (as does she for me). If we're to have any sort of friendship or relationship in the future, we need to no longer be emotionally attached so that we can start completely fresh and new. So the past can be the past and nothing more. So spending time together isn't a constant reminder of the years we spent living together while we were both deep in our depressions.

 

I made a metaphor the other day to help explain this. "Imagine your old relationship was a house. But the house was faulty, so it had to be torn down. When you build a new house in its place, you want it all to be completely new. Fresh. From the ground up. If you build a NEW house on the OLD foundation (still having the attachment), you set things up to be faulty once again."

 

I've started doing hypnosis to help quell my anxiety and I have a therapy appointment in about 2 weeks. And I have a very good feeling that once my anxiety is gone, I'll no longer care about situations that are uncertain and left for the future to reveal. And I'm already starting to feel myself detach from her. I'm finding myself caring less. I still care, obviously, but not at the same level I have in the past two weeks since we broke up.

 

 

 

All of the replies I've made in this post before this cover everything you just said.

[justletgo07]

I could be wrong, and please forgive me if I am, but the stipulations you keep referencing strike me more as an effort on your part to feel in control of the situation, and less as a serious set of requirements for her. The reason I say this is that you're talking about them as if her coming back in or seeking your friendship in some serious way is actually happening or definitely will happen, when in reality its unnecessarily preemptive. Why spend so much time thinking about what you'll say or do or want when she comes back when, at the moment, there is no indication that she even will.

 

In my opinion, you want her to have GIGS. You want her depression to be the reason that she made the decisions she did and hurt you in the way that she did. It makes it sound like "she didn't/doesn't know what she was doing" and doesn't make her accountable for any of her actions. You say you're moving on, and I want very much to believe you, but these rationales you are constructing are just bolstering your hope that things will somehow reverse from what they currently are, or that once she's no longer depressed she will see the error of her ways and come back to you.

 

My advice would be to focus on what you know to be true, and don't spend time trying to psychoanalyze her. She cheated on you and broke up with you. Those actions send one very clear and unmistakable message, and I don't think you're doing yourself any favors or respecting yourself or your feelings by writing them off as a symptom of her depression or chalking them up to some version of GIGS where she'll reach a point where she'll look back with regret and realize she had a good thing. Unless there is something else going on there that we don't know about, there is no doubt that she knew and knows that her actions could and likely would ruin any future chance with you. Her actions suggest that your relationship, unfortunately, wasn't worth fighting for or exercising self control for. People make mistakes and make choices that hurt others, and it doesn't make them bad people. However, just because they are sorry or feel bad or wish they hadn't doesn't remove their responsibility for their actions or the consequences those actions bring about. You can't assume that just because she eventually becomes that person you originally fell in love with (if she does) that she will have any interest in being in a relationship with you. I know it sucks, but you just have to let that go.

 

 

 

Again, I would do everything in your power to avoid making assumptions about whatever effect your NC is having on her. The fact is you don't know, and it doesn't matter, because at the end of the day the reality of the situation is still the same. My ex and I have been in NC for almost 7 months now, since the day we broke up, and I can tell you that NC doesn't do a lick of good for you if you're concerning yourself with what it is doing for/to them. It took me a long time to understand this, but NC is for you and its only purpose is to allow you to move on. It doesn't erase the past or remove hurt feelings, it doesn't create a clean slate, and I would say that it probably doesn't create all that favorable environment for getting back together. In fact, as far as your relationship with your ex goes, it actually leaves everything in what was probably one of your lowest and most unhappy moments, and I just don't think that often leads to something you want to head back to.

 

I know its still fresh, and everything you're doing and saying is completely normal and natural, and I admire the passion and thought and care you are putting into your posts about this. However, I would caution you against over-complicating your situation. People can and do say a lot of things during breakups, but the reality is a lot of them are lies to avoid looking like the bad guy or hurting someone you still care about. Fact is, though, people stay in flawed relationships all the time, and go back to people who repeatedly hurt or disrespect them, etc. Your ex didn't walk away because you were flawed or she was flawed or some combination of those things. She walked away because she wanted something different with someone who was not you. I apologize sincerely for the harshness of that statement, but I truly believe that until you accept that truth you will be stuck in a spot where you can and will rationalize and twist everything into signs to maintain your hope, when hope is the thing you should work hard to let go of.

[Boomshine]

I could be wrong, and please forgive me if I am, but the stipulations you keep referencing strike me more as an effort on your part to feel in control of the situation, and less as a serious set of requirements for her. The reason I say this is that you're talking about them as if her coming back in or seeking your friendship in some serious way is actually happening or definitely will happen, when in reality its unnecessarily preemptive. Why spend so much time thinking about what you'll say or do or want when she comes back when, at the moment, there is no indication that she even will.

 

There is indication, I just haven't mentioned it here. But there is. She WILL come back to be friends again (if not more) at some point.

 

The stipulations ARE an effort to control the situation. I don't want to get into another relationship with someone and go through the same reason for breaking up twice. I'm not going to TELL her of these things. I'll assess them on my own, and if they all ever happen to come true and I recognize it, then I would consider it. I'm not going to sit her down and tell her these things though.

 

Is all the time spent thinking about this unnecessarily preemptive? Definitely. I'm anxious as hell. Hence why I'm going to see a therapist in a few weeks. I'm tired of not being able to have uncertain outcomes for particular events in the future, and I want to change that. In the meantime however, all I can do to assuage my anxiety (which was obviously near-crippling in the past couple weeks) was to rationalize it away.

 

I've already openly admitted that I can't be absolutely 100% certain that she'll come back. But I've heard enough from her myself, from friends, and knowing who she is, both at her fullest AND in her depression, that she'll be back. I'd be willing to bet any and all of my possessions on that. I used to say I was so confident that I'd bet my life on it, but then some people misinterpreted that as me saying I'd kill myself if she never comes back as opposed to a simple representation of my confidence on this manner. But I'd bet anything she'll be back in one form or another.

 

In my opinion, you want her to have GIGS. You want her depression to be the reason that she made the decisions she did and hurt you in the way that she did. It makes it sound like "she didn't/doesn't know what she was doing" and doesn't make her accountable for any of her actions. You say you're moving on, and I want very much to believe you, but these rationales you are constructing are just bolstering your hope that things will somehow reverse from what they currently are, or that once she's no longer depressed she will see the error of her ways and come back to you.

 

The GIGS is true. It lines up perfectly, and I have evidential proof of it from the last 11 months. She told me that she felt she needed to go out and explore new and different relationships, and was dumping me at that moment for a guy who was NOWHERE near her type or compatible with her at all. In fact, he made her feel like in some ways that they stopped talking very SHORTLY after that, and she and I continued being together. I do say she doesn't know what she's doing, other than what feels right in the moment, which is NOT continuing a 5+ year relationship while only 22 years old, and pursuing someone else because the feelings are "stronger." Lust is a , but she'll learn when the honeymoon phase is over, and her depression starts kicking in at full steam once again.

 

She IS accountable for her actions though. Again, hence the stipulations. It doesn't matter if she was depressed or not, no mistake can be repeated twice, or I'm out. You can't fault me for identifying WHY the mistakes happened, and therefore preventing myself from getting into those similar circumstances where mistakes could be repeated.

 

I am hopeful for the future, sure, but at the same time, I realize it could take years before she and I are relationship ready for each other again. Or never, even. She could stay in a depression for the rest of her life (I hope that's not the case, also, but only she can tell that story). So I'm not banking on it by any means. Us being friends though, that's a bet you can take to the bank.

 

My advice would be to focus on what you know to be true, and don't spend time trying to psychoanalyze her. She cheated on you and broke up with you. Those actions send one very clear and unmistakable message, and I don't think you're doing yourself any favors or respecting yourself or your feelings by writing them off as a symptom of her depression or chalking them up to some version of GIGS where she'll reach a point where she'll look back with regret and realize she had a good thing. Unless there is something else going on there that we don't know about, there is no doubt that she knew and knows that her actions could and likely would ruin any future chance with you. Her actions suggest that your relationship, unfortunately, wasn't worth fighting for or exercising self control for. People make mistakes and make choices that hurt others, and it doesn't make them bad people. However, just because they are sorry or feel bad or wish they hadn't doesn't remove their responsibility for their actions or the consequences those actions bring about. You can't assume that just because she eventually becomes that person you originally fell in love with (if she does) that she will have any interest in being in a relationship with you. I know it sucks, but you just have to let that go.

 

Why can't I assume that? I know how to be an attractive male, even in a friend position, and she could very well find herself developing lust for me during the course of our friendship just like she did with the guy that she's seeing now. I've realized the mistakes I made to not allow that lust to develop this second time around, and it's helped me to learn how to be even more attractive to women.

 

I was playing a good game, but it wasn't a great game. I was too present. I was initiating conversation too often. I wasn't letting her come to me at her pace, and instead getting in her face more often than she would have preferred. Suffocating her with too many text messages, and hanging out just because we were bored instead of having something quality to do together. Living our relationship too much over the phone instead of in person, and not allowing her any time or space to wonder and fantasize about me. Talking too often that conversation would sometimes get stale. I was too easy and available, and posed no challenge to her at all. She never had to chase me. And I was giving more than she was, which created a weird imbalance and friction in the relationship. I'll be able to prove I have a better grasp on this once she comes back around and wants to be friends again. Especially with the practice I'll get while going out with other women (and potentially even finding a new girlfriend or even a new #1 desire in my heart in the process).

 

This all can be turned around very easily. The spark is still there. I just have to get her fire roaring a little more than I did this time around, and no longer being emotionally attached to each other will definitely help with that. When I'm no longer attached to the results/outcome of any particular event, things will become MUCH easier. So now I'm just trying to take this free time that I have to work on my anxiety, see a therapist, and drop my emotional attachment. Whether I want to win her back as a girlfriend, a friend, or not even have her back at all, all three of these things STILL need to happen.

 

 

 

Again, I would do everything in your power to avoid making assumptions about whatever effect your NC is having on her. The fact is you don't know, and it doesn't matter, because at the end of the day the reality of the situation is still the same. My ex and I have been in NC for almost 7 months now, since the day we broke up, and I can tell you that NC doesn't do a lick of good for you if you're concerning yourself with what it is doing for/to them. It took me a long time to understand this, but NC is for you and its only purpose is to allow you to move on. It doesn't erase the past or remove hurt feelings, it doesn't create a clean slate, and I would say that it probably doesn't create all that favorable environment for getting back together. In fact, as far as your relationship with your ex goes, it actually leaves everything in what was probably one of your lowest and most unhappy moments, and I just don't think that often leads to something you want to head back to.

 

The past isn't meant to be erased. But NC DOES allow time to stop feeling as strongly about particular situations than trying to fix it in the heat of the moment. NC doesn't DIRECTLY create a clean slate - Losing emotional attachment does. And losing emotional attachment can only be done through time, as everyone's been saying. NC > Time apart > Loss of emotional attachment > Clean slate.

 

If that weren't the case, for a direct example, she wouldn't be feeling lust for him right now. He cheated on her. So they left in the lowest possible situation. And then over this last year, she started developing feelings again while they hung out as friends, even though their relationship had been left in the worst possible situation for her. One where she was COMPLETELY devastated. The past is for reference, not for residence. No one resides in it when they move on. The key is whether the former lovers learn from their mistakes, use them to make themselves better people, put their stubbornness aside, and admit their true feelings. I already am, whether it's for a potential future with her, a different woman who's already in my life, or a new woman entirely.

 

I know its still fresh, and everything you're doing and saying is completely normal and natural, and I admire the passion and thought and care you are putting into your posts about this. However, I would caution you against over-complicating your situation. People can and do say a lot of things during breakups, but the reality is a lot of them are lies to avoid looking like the bad guy or hurting someone you still care about. Fact is, though, people stay in flawed relationships all the time, and go back to people who repeatedly hurt or disrespect them, etc. Your ex didn't walk away because you were flawed or she was flawed or some combination of those things. She walked away because she wanted something different with someone who was not you. I apologize sincerely for the harshness of that statement, but I truly believe that until you accept that truth you will be stuck in a spot where you can and will rationalize and twist everything into signs to maintain your hope, when hope is the thing you should work hard to let go of.

 

If she weren't really wanting to be my friend, then she wouldn't have told her friends (who she didn't know would tell me) that she does foresee us being friends again after she's gotten the space and breathing room she needs. Your statement's not harsh, it's absolutely true. That's the definition of GIGS. He has aspects different than I do. But the flaws between the two of them are only going to start shining through once again.

 

You can't simply tell an anxious person to just not be anxious. Nor can you tell them stop trying to find ways to make the anxiety go away, and just live in your anxiety. It was never by choice that I had these thoughts. They all came from the subconscious. But I will only wind up being in a worse situation if I attempt to lie to myself and tell myself things that I know aren't true. If I try to tell myself we'll never be friends again, I will be lying to myself, and never be able to truly and fully accept it.

 

I'm having a battle of my confident, logical conscious mind and my anxious, irrational subconscious mind. And it's time I did a rework on the subconscious mind (again, via therapy) to put this mess to a rest once and for all.

 

Thank you for the kind words. You're not the first person to deliver a similar message to me. It's just not how I can operate though. I have a 99% chance of having her in my life as at least a friend once again, and you're telling me to bet on the 1%. And I just... can't.

[Boomshine]

Yup, my willingness to bet everything I own that she'd come back was spot on. Didn't even take three weeks. She called me Halloween morning because she was trying to get to class, but her car wouldn't start. Her roommate was at work, and her new guy doesn't know about cars. I helped guide her through things for about 5 minutes, no big deal, then got off the phone with her. Called her about an hour later to see if she'd got it started, she said no, and so I asked her if she had time to talk then.

 

We aired all our grievances out, and she wants to be friends again. She had some false perceptions of me, exactly as I'd mentioned earlier in this thread She thought I still had an overwhelming desire to be with her, and I basically told her, "I think you're beautiful, but you're not the woman I once loved." She understood completely. Conversation ended with her saying she loves me, and both of us feeling a lot better. The feelings of rejection are completely gone now, and I feel a lot more normal. I've got what I wanted: my friend back. Obviously, our friendship isn't going straight back to being best friends, and I don't know if we'll be best friends again to be honest. But we're starting to be friends again, and she expressed interest in watching The Walking Dead again, so when she approaches me more seriously about the subject, I'll set a date with her to do so.

 

We went to a mutual friend's birthday party at a bar last night, and things were about as normal as could be expected. We pretty much gave each other space, but when she was leaving to say goodbye, the birthday boy and I were playing darts, so she said goodbye to him, then gave me a massive hug. She's coming over in about 4 hours to give me back my apartment key since I'm moving in a month, and when she does, I'm going to say the one last thing I have to say to her since it needs to be done in person. And then I'm completely past everything, and I'm going ghost and letting her come to me at her own pace.

 

After this one last piece of the conversation (which couldn't be done over the phone on Halloween), I'll be nothing but a source of fun and playfulness. She'll know that every time we hang out isn't going to be about the breakup or her new guy, and instead just about her and I hanging out and having fun. So we'll see how this all progresses.

[Mangiafuoco]

And there's no easy solution. The only thing that seems to help a bit is to immediately make yourself do something that requires physical effort and focus - like (for example) "every time I think of her and HIM I will do 10 one handed pushups on EACH SIDE." And stick to it.

 

Your body isn't stupid. Stick with it and the thoughts eventually taper off, because your other self, when your mind thinks that way, will be immediately reacting "oh no, no, oh HELLS no."

 

Ahah nice thing to do, i will try it

[jonyyy]

OP updates on your situation?

[Boomshine]

OP updates on your situation?

 

Sure! So back when this was an issue for me, I managed to keep my mind off of things by actually finding someone who was a much better match for me in the moment. We saw each other for a short while, but things eventually got put on the backburner as she was going through a bit of a love crisis with one of our mutual friends (he just had a baby, and she felt like her last chance at being with this guy who'd been her best friend for 10 years was slipping through her fingers). She's starting to get better now, but until I'm able to get my license back in 2 weeks so I can make the drive out to see her, there's not going to be much advancement on that front.

 

As far as things with the ex-girlfriend go, it's gotten MUCH better. She and I are still very close friends. Not the best friends we once were, but that may come with time again. She still has some sort of barrier holding her from fully letting go of the past and just appreciating things in the present. I'm not entirely sure WHAT the barrier is, because since she had finals in college this week, she hasn't wanted to talk about it much, but I'm hoping some day she and I will be able to talk, and I can help her get over the past like I've done for myself.

 

Things with the other guy ended back at the end of January. It's been almost two months now, and AFAIK they haven't even spoken since then. I know absolutely NOTHING in regards to why they ended their FWB, but it's definitely done. Because she and I are sleeping together again as of Feb 13th. They were exclusive while they were together, and she wasn't going to cheat on him, so I know he's out of the picture now. Her attraction to me currently isn't as high as it was for him, but again, time will tell a different story.

 

I've learned a lot about how I was still behaving inappropriately last time we were together, and I've gone and fixed all the issues over the last 6 months. I even went to a therapist and have conquered my anxiety. That anxious voice still exists in my head on occasions, but it's gone from a loud, boisterous influential voice to a weak, pathetic whimpering one which is easily kicked back into the corner. With my anxiety gone, and there being no restrictions or expectations on what we have right now, I'm in a place (where I should have been all along) that I can't be hurt anymore. We're not exclusive, so I don't have to stop seeing anyone else who I'm seeing, and that allows me to keep myself busy and in an abundance mindset where I'm not worried about what she may potentially be doing with anyone.

 

I'm not worried about what we may become in the future or anything like that. I'm enjoying life for what it is in the moment. The only future I need to concern myself with is my own: My goals, my missions, my schooling, my career, etc. Where I go with a woman I want to be a pleasant surprise. And as women typically fall in love slower than men, I need to wait for her pace to catch up and be on that level anyhow. Over the last couple months, since she and I have been talking again after the breakup, and now FWB, her attraction to me has risen compared to what it was during the breakup. And as long as I continue to behave in the proper ways that I have been, I should continue to see that attraction rise and rise over time, even to a point where eventually she'll say she no longer wants me dating other women (which is to say she's basically asking for exclusivity) or more. That is if I don't get more serious with someone else before then. Who knows?

 

But again, my whole emphasis now is STRICTLY on having fun. No concerns about "what we are," "where we've been" or "where we're going." All I care about is having fun with my friend, making her laugh, and having her enjoy my company. As long as things continue to be fun with us, then I have no concern about a single thing at all.

[scuderia21]

OP updates on your situation?