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My girlfriend turns any disagreement into an attack on my personality


Johnno1234

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I have been with my girlfriend for 4 years now. We have lived together for the past 2 years. I am 30 and she is 26.

 

Whenever we argue, even about the smallest of things, she ends up opening the argument out into an all-encompassing analysis of all my faults as a human being, most of which will have little or nothing to do with the original disagreement. Has anyone else ever experienced this??

 

This is difficult to say as I have always considered myself a "strong" guy but it hurts me to have all my shortcomings thrown at me and my personality picked apart just because we've disagreed over something so trivial as what's for dinner or what to watch on TV.

 

The other problem is then that I can only bite my tongue for so long before I "bite" and end up escalating the argument further by trying to defend myself. It truly feels hopeless and unavoidable that this will be the outcome as soon as we even half-jokingly disagree about something.

 

I am absolutely NOT perfect and accept that I can be stubborn etc. but am I right to feel hurt and disrespected that when I say "no" or have a different opinion it can't be just accepted? I have said this to her and she immediately said I was looking for an excuse to break up with her, which couldn't be further from the truth.

 

I really do love her and want to make it work, but how can I stop the arguments from getting so out of hand every time?

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Mhowe is on the ball today (and every day, I'm sure). I feel like all my posts have been "I agree with mhowe". lol! But I do! I agree with mhowe!

 

You guys need to learn how to fight 'fair'. This is a skill. It doesn't come naturally to a lot of people - especially if they grew up with their parents fighting that way (watch - I bet her parents fight the same...).

 

This is one instance where even just a little bit of councilling will help. They have the tools and can teach you how to use them.

 

It would do your whole relationship a world of good.

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I wish I had a dollar for every "I agree with Mhowe". I could quit my day job!!

 

Mhowe is on the ball today (and every day, I'm sure). I feel like all my posts have been "I agree with mhowe". lol! But I do! I agree with mhowe!

 

You guys need to learn how to fight 'fair'. This is a skill. It doesn't come naturally to a lot of people - especially if they grew up with their parents fighting that way (watch - I bet her parents fight the same...).

 

This is one instance where even just a little bit of councilling will help. They have the tools and can teach you how to use them.

 

It would do your whole relationship a world of good.

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So, she is aware that her behavior would be a legitimate cause for you breaking up with her, but she' counting on you not breaking up with her and keeping this confusion and foolishness going on? Do you feel loved? Do you feel respected when you have to endure this? Because let me tell you, love is not like that. Being respected is not like that. Yes, people don't see eye to eye at certain times, but to begin shredding someone down for who/what they are is unacceptable.

 

Seriously---you need to take a huge step back from this and strongly encourage her to get some anger management therapy because not only will she do this to you, she will do this to everyone who disagrees with her---and one day, they may include your strong minded children. Anyone can say "I would never speak that way to my child", but in the heat of the moment when a child is trying you, as they all do, she is not going to be able to stop her habit of tongue lashing that child and she could do a whole lot of damage to a child with a budding sense of themselves. Look at what it's doing to you and you're a grown man.

 

The next time it happens, shut your mouth, get your belongings and leave. Block your phone to her or just put her ringtone on silent so you do not hear it ring. Do not tell her where you are going and make sure you have enough of your stuff that you can stay away from a few days. Let her sit and wonder about it. It will be tempting to try to reconnect with her within the day, but I say keep silent for 3 -5 days. By then, her ego will have already run its course about "how dare he...", and she will be at the point where the thought of life without you will be climbing up the side of her head.

 

This is when you tell her "I am really serious about these personal attacks you level at me. I am really serious that the next time it happens, I am done with you. I have asked you to not do that and yet you kept on doing it. I"m not going to allow myself to be subjected to that level of abuse. Find someone professional to help you work out how to vanquish that--I am not that person to do that for you, but it needs addressing. Until a consistent move has been made in that direction by you, I prefer that we not be together in a relationship. We can scale back our interactions to that on the level of friends."

 

That's what I suggest to you.

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You know, hard as it is to admit, I was once very much like your girlfriend. My then boyfriend will have to scream at me and give me an all killing dagger look before I realize that there is no point in escalating the issue by reliving past mistakes and arguments in order to settle a current one.

 

Well, I have lost that then boyfriend because I was stubborn and didn't know the pain I was causing. He never spoke to me about this badness in me that nobody ever pointed out to me. I just realized it long after he left.

 

I would suggest you open up to her on one of her better days and truly be honest about the impact of her behavior. Most of the time, women are willing to change, for peace sake. There is always hope. Give it a shot and hopefully all turns well.

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Sounds like a stifling relationship... Why put up with that? She doesn't respect you and you letting her attack your personality/character/integrity is not respecting yourself either.

 

Sounds like you need to run and run fast! Or you can go through counseling for months on end...the risk there...she doesn't change and you break up and you are x years older...missing out on meeting a better woman. Or you see a some improvement, but old habits die hard and it sounds like this a pretty deep issue of hers.

 

Good Luck.

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I'm actually surprised this time people are saying councilling etc. Because that kind of thing runs deep and is, though the word gets thrown around a lot, abusive. It is.

Attacking a person and the security of the relationship at every little bump is toxic as all get out. And I bet you have more than a few battle scars from years of it.

 

I think it is her issue, and it's not something that will get 'fixed' easily. These types of things tend to run deep. Like a deep well of insecurity within someone , that drives them to this type of behavior and continually wanting intimacy and pushing it away.

 

Yeah..I know someone who has done it. Myself.

 

It's not a relationship problem. It is a personal problem. Of hers. And all you can do with that is lay on the line.

 

But of course, what you will hear is "you just want to leave me and have wanted to for a long time".

 

Exactly why this isn't something you can fix nor work on with her. SHe needs to see it is a problem first. And that it isn't ok. All these years; you have let her think it is ok. HOw?! By sticking with her through it and enabling it.

 

Maybe not a popular viewpoint, but it's mine.

 

The point isn't whether you care about her or not, want to break up with her or not....when you look at it with objective eyes, is she someone who is capable at this point in time of a healthy relationship?? If she really isn't; that is what the reality is. And trying to 'fix' her so she can is like basically...trying to change someone in order t obe in a relationship with them. Never works.

 

So I don't agree with relationship councilling. I think it's all on her. And until she gets that, it'll be a variation of the same story over and over again.

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I agree with this - maybe it's just past the point of 'fixable.' i've dealt with issues like this from my mom, who picks and picks and picks at everything i do wrong. and honestly, even if i fixed those things, she would find something else to pick at. i just can't take it anymore.

 

you must be exhausted! if you want to try counseling and so does she, great. if you decide to throw in the towel, i don't blame you.

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