We can still be friends

[Jeffbobo]

Uh no, especially after seeing the 2 new pair of silk dazy dook style panties I saw on the washing machine. I picked up a shirt that she had on top of the washer drying and they where under it. I set them on top of the dryer just to see what her reaction would be. When I went back into the house later on she had put them back under her shirt. Huh, kinda fishy to me. So when I went out in the backyard where she was I told her if you are going to be bying sexy underwear for your boyfriend, please have the decentcy to hide them a little better next time. She just laughed smiling and said I don't have a boyfriend those are for me. I am tired of having stragly underwear. This $ hit is killing me . She needs to roll out.

 

I continue to read this thread because there are so many parallels to my story. I'm 2 years out past final divorce.

 

My ex did all the same thing. Get in shape, new wardrobe, sexy cloths, basically all the things woman do when detaching from you and becoming available again. Woman don't need sex in the same way that men do to get gratification. The fact that they are wanted by multiple men is like sex for us. Ultimately, she *may* have someone else or she may not. She's making herself available and is feeling wanted by other men.

 

Three weeks... Thats all I could take of living under the same rough. During this time, she got her sexy on and rubbed it in my face. Would tell me about all the guys that were hitting on her and how she thought certain guys were cute. Really strange one was when she told me she had a dream that I started a family with this 23 year old girl that was a singer in a band I was in. I said, are you talking about? Just bizarre s**t. During that same time, she'd also take the opportunity to rip my nuts off, throw them on the floor and dance on them with how I neglected her, ignored her, comments made years past completely taken out of context, on and on. She'd go ballistic in front of the kids. Finally said, "you need to GTFO of this house." So, she found an apartment in the projects, I furnished it for her and she was out. Then she starts coming over to the house, when I'm at work, making dinner, doing her laundry and again, picking fights and continuing with bizarre comments. So told get she's not welcome at the house. She used the "Lets be friends cuz we've known each other since high school" line on me, then suggests we get together as a family once a month and do holidays. Could not do any of it. Could not be friends and there was no way in hell I was going to be her safety net while she was out potentially bang'n other guys and "figuring it out". To me, you're either all in and you get 110% or your not and we're done. No in between. Two years out and we're down to communicating via text. Haven't seen her in 8 months. I feel great. A lot of insanity in those 2 years though. Things she would say, fights she would attempt to pick on things we should have discussed long ago that now, didn't really matter.

 

Ultimately, the decision to live together or not is your choice. I'd recommend that you explore every option and scenario on how to make it work so you aren't living together. For me, I believe it helped me retain my dignity and helped me to move on more quickly.

[Lester]

You said, "This $ hit is killing me."

- Once you're pending divorce "gets legs" you're going to look back at your current thoughts of money and laugh. Mere pennies!

 

You said, "She needs to roll out."

- huh?

 

That said,

If you too are having pop culture fantasies about your new pending life and really could care less about being married to her; your road ahead will be a little easier.

 

If you are like most, (clueless), soon to be divorced husbands who are still in the denial stage and think she's going to come to her senses soon; you must begin preparing yourself for mental pain and anguish you never before experienced. Thoughts of suicide/worse will be common.

 

Do you want to be married to her? If so, everything you are doing is driving her into a hidden person's arms.

 

 

FYI, Playing the blame game as you run from your marriage, (immaturity), is the prerequisite needed for all future failed marriages/relationships.

 

 

PS, You say you love her... sorry, I don't think you know what the word means.

 

PS2, That underwear is not for you or her.

[T99]

Hi Lester - "If so, everything you are doing is driving her into a hidden person's arms"

 

please list such actions/mistakes to date to help us understand...

[waffle]

Hi Lester - "If so, everything you are doing is driving her into a hidden person's arms"

 

please list such actions/mistakes to date to help us understand...

 

 

 

***crickets***

[71Outdoorsman]

Crickets is what you get from people that have a lot so say, but have no idea as to what they are saying. I would like to see how a lonesome cricket defines love.

[Jeffbobo]

Perhaps what Lester is saying is that if you are coming from a position of insecurity, then that can push her further away. Just speculation.

 

Could she be involved with someone else? Maybe... Could she be getting what has been lacking from your marriage when you say she is on her laptop? Perhaps... That "phantom" guy that she *may* be involved with may be telling her exactly what she needs to hear. Connecting with her on an emotional level, genuinely listening, understanding what she is going through, not trying to fix her, supporting her, relating to her, giving her encouragement... Basically all the stuff that perhaps you did at one time and I'd guess you did while initially dating her before you were married. Again, this is speculation, who really knows. I think she has made up her mind that it's not you though and she will justify it in her head based on whatever has happened in the past, of which *we* have no real insite into.

 

If she wants to be done and has no desire to work through it and if you do honestly love her or ever have then let her go. But in doing this, you need to let go, give up hope and basically move on. Take time to honestly take a look at yourself and reflect back to what truly went wrong. Work on those things, change (if you necessary) and do these things for yourself, not with expectation of getting her back.

 

Like I mentioned, if financially posible, do what it takes to be done by not living together. Financially, it may be hard as hell but I believe worth more than any dollar value.

[71Outdoorsman]

Jeffbobo you are correct in saying that she is looking for what is lacking in the marriage. I know for a fact emotional infidelity is nappening. I have read plenty on the warning signs of emotional infidelity and they all fit her to a t. I figured that one out last night with her cell phone buddy list.

[Jeffbobo]

Jeffbobo you are correct in saying that she is looking for what is lacking in the marriage. I know for a fact emotional infidelity is nappening. I have read plenty on the warning signs of emotional infidelity and they all fit her to a t. I figured that one out last night with her cell phone buddy list.

 

I'd recommend not investigating her any further. For me, the record of phone calls, late night and while I was at work and definitely the texts which I started reading and had to stop after a certain point where enough for me. Don't know for sure if it went physical, my gut says yes, but it really doesn't matter. Felt very betrayed... Never told her I saw her texts and I regret to have looked. I did not confront her initially with it. Remember her saying we just need some time apart. When I did confront her she turned it on me and accused me of having an affair. Remember her words of "Maybe not a physical but an emotional affair". Anyhow... I digress...

 

Point is, she has already made her choice. Don't give her time to figure it out. Either she commits to moving forward with you and you work on it (if you can deal with it) or you gear up, put yourself and your kids first and be done. No middle ground. Neither path is easy but either way, admit to mistakes you've made and work on them for nobody but yourself. The grieving process on your way to healing is long and healing comes from within you, not from anyone else.

[lostandhurt]

71

 

I have seen this far to many times unfortunately.

 

For the record Lester is optimistic that many marriages can be saved if the right course of action is taken.

 

From what I have read this is what is going on.

 

Your wife is going through a mid life crisis (what is her age btw) and may be going through some hormonal changes as well. No matter why she is still an adult that can make choices and she has chosen her path. I have studied this and more times than not it comes down to a spouse (husband or wife) that decides they are not happy. Almost everytime they have no idea why they are not happy, just that they don't like it. They start looking at their life and percieved missed opportunities for happiness and fun. They forget they wanted children and a house and all the other trappings and those things take time and monesy which means work and sacrafice.

 

They begin to re-write the history of the marriage and in this new history you have held them back, kept them from doing things and following their dreams. You also become controlling, abusive, lazy, non romantic, less attractive, not exciting, grumpy, short tempered and the list goes on and on.

 

Of course these things can all be untrue or exagerrated to fit their needs.

 

So they are unhappy and it can't be their fault and the children are innocent so that leaves you. You are the reason so the solution is to get rid of you. Many times they test the waters to see how it feels out there without you. Flirting, emotional cheating and physical cheating are all part of this test. The thing is it is all a fantasy and everything is exciting and new. The danger of getting caught makes them feel alive and as all this goes on you look less and less like someone they want to be with. The one thing you are that the new life isn't is safe. The house, the routine, the place to land if it all blows up on them is there while they venture off. Like a child learning to walk and how brave they are with you holding their hand or standing close by but if you let go or are to far away they become extra careful because you are not close enough to catch them if they fall.

 

Your wife has been on this path for some time in secret. She will not stop to rethink what she is doing unless something happens to get her to do that. This cannot be a direct assult. You need to basically start your new life as if she will not be in it. Do a 180 degree turn. Get back to the man she met all those years ago but do it for you not her. Get in shape, dress nice always, read some books that Lester has suggested to others, call up old friends that time stole from you, pick up old hobbies or start new ones, get more involved in your kids lives, reach out to people you care about and live your life. This my friend is attractive and is the way you should be living one way or another.

 

I am not saying give up on your marriage but you will not break through the wall she has built, she has to take it down slowly and see what she is throwing away for some thrills and trying to prop up her happiness.

 

Take the high road, don't be a jerk but start cutting her off from the old married life. She can't have it both ways and that is what she is getting right now so why change?

 

If you are done and do not want to work on repairing this let me know and I and others can help you with that. If you would like to try and repair this there are things you can do but there is no way of knowing if they will work but you can walk away with no regrets if you do try and fail.

 

Hang in there. I have been where you are and know how bad it hurts...

 

Lost

[waffle]

I call it Dating in Advance of Being Single.

 

I get the sense that men don't realize when a woman cheats, she is way past the stage of being unhappy. An unhappy woman does not cheat. An unhappy woman might nag, she might give you the silent treatment, she may get demanding, she may go out and spend money, she may throw tantrums now and then . . . but she doesn't cheat. A woman who cheats has already left the marriage. She will almost always stay in the marriage during this time (in the legal sense) and keep you as her back-up plan in case things don't look promising with her fling(s) or she's not convinced they're a trade-up from what she has with you. But once the word "divorce" has entered the conversation in conjunction with her cheating, men usually view this as a call to action when in reality it's too late and she is just informing you of the decision(s) she has already made.

[Live-N-Learn]

Read the book "uncoupling" you will have plenty of answers to how you and your wife got to this point. Best of luck LNL