Early-stage dating: after someone has come on too strong

[potd2009]

I've been on a few dates lately with a guy. The first couple of dates went well, and we were both mutually excited. Over the following next couple of weeks and couple of dates, though, he started to come on too strong for my taste. When we weren't together, I'd get texts about how he was frustrated not to be kissing me right now, how he wished I was with him right now, etc. When we were together, he wanted to talk about how things would be if we were in a long-term relationship; kept pushing for more frequent dates and for extended dates (overnight trips, very long road daytrips, etc. - I didn't read this so much as sexually pressuring me so much as just wanting to spend A LOT of time together right away); kept asserting that we were having the "perfect day" and asking me to agree ("This is really just the perfect day...isn't it?"); gave lots of long, sappy, romantic gazes that made me feel awkward; and announced that he would rearrange his schedule and drive hours out of his way to meet me in a different city when I was out of town for work travel (this was something that I did not invite him to do and was not ready for.)

 

I started to feel really pressured and uncomfortable, particularly as a slow mover who needs time to let my feelings for a person grow gradually and without a lot of pressure to accelerate the relationship. I raised these things with him via email (we were both traveling and in different time zones, so an in-person conversation was not possible), and he agreed to take things more slowly. BUT, now that we're both back in town, I am dragging my feet about going out with him again. The excitement I felt early on has been replaced with the awkwardness/pressure I felt the last times I saw him - and the fear that things will be still more awkward after my having now told him (not in so many words) that he was coming on too strong. Given that I was initially excited, is it worth forcing myself to go on another date (even though at some level, I don't really want to) to see if I can get back to how I felt before? Or, does the way I feel now mean that I'm just not that into him - and if I was, would I have welcomed the way he was acting rather than perceiving it as too strong?

 

How do you guys handle it when the other person comes on too strong for your taste? And, once this has happened, do you find a way to continue on with dating, or just call it?

[The_Seeker]

For me,

 

I let my authentic self come out. I say what I have to say and mean what I mean.

 

I don't care what the person I'm dating thinks.

 

Why?

 

Because I represented myself and spoke the truth.

 

If he hates it, oh well. If he respects it, great.

[SooSad33]

I can understand where ur coming from.

It's NOT there? best to inform him now.. instead of later. Why let it go any further? not worth it, is it?

He seem's 'needy' & anxious. That's not too good- red flag.

You've caught on, good for you.

[Chris Knows]

Be honest.

 

Just say exactly what you said here. "You've came on pretty strongly and I want to take things slowly."

 

He will be probably upset and angry for a while. But if he likes you, it'll all work out.

[ParisPaulette]

This is only a few dates in and you're already feeling overwhelmed and pressured? Bad sign and what's it going to be like then a month or so down the road?

 

Personally, given my experiences with such people, I would be running for the hills right about now. I think you may be feeling uncomfortable, because the guy is just trying too hard to convince you everything is grand and you're the love of his life. He wants it so badly that it's either a) he is going to push and push to force those feelings until the day he wakes up and realizes this isn't working out and then turns nasty about it or b) he has some other hidden agenda and it's not a good one. I say that from my own experiences only, I could be wrong about this but it just sounds too much effort to try to get himself joined to you at the hip before you even know the guy. The problem is when that's a natural feeling that you both are experiencing it doesn't feel forced, you wouldn't even notice it. You'd just be thrilled to be together and instead your gut is telling you something is wrong here. So listen to your gut. You've told him you want to take it slow and now mean it and show it by cutting way back on the contact and see how he reacts. Don't return his phone calls or texts right away and just observe does he accept it and act normally or does he flip out or send 50 texts to you in an hour? Or you could just call it off and tell him you don't feel it's going to work out and wish him luck.

[HopsonMcGee]

He sounds crazy, and I don't care if you're a perfect 10. I'm a guy, so if a girl comes on too strong and I find her very attractive, that's a good thing. If she comes on too strong and I don't find her very attractive, then it's of no consequence because I wouldn't want to see her again regardless. But for women, it's different. They're the regulators of intimacy, so this guy is going way too far to early on. He should be able to tell that you're not crazy about the current trajectory.

[potd2009]

The problem is when that's a natural feeling that you both are experiencing it doesn't feel forced, you wouldn't even notice it. You'd just be thrilled to be together and instead your gut is telling you something is wrong here. So listen to your gut. You've told him you want to take it slow and now mean it and show it by cutting way back on the contact and see how he reacts. Don't return his phone calls or texts right away and just observe does he accept it and act normally or does he flip out or send 50 texts to you in an hour? Or you could just call it off and tell him you don't feel it's going to work out and wish him luck.

 

In theory, I agree with you about the "natural feeling," but I've never had one that has made me want to go really quickly. The one thing that I've seen in my experiences so far is that I tend to fall for people who are also slow movers and who give me the time and space while we are dating for me to work out that I am into them, rather than pushing me to get very involved very quickly. Then again, those relationships have not worked out -- and in fact, have been problematic because I work out that I'm into the other person, but they don't work out that they are as into me. So is it generally the case that people who are interested are going to act more like this guy, and I have to somehow work out how to be comfortable with someone wanting what feels like a lot for me very quickly - or else face dating guys who just aren't that into me (and thus don't pressure me for too much, too soon)?