pandorasbox1 Posted August 25, 2013 Share Posted August 25, 2013 My ex and I broke up 5 months ago. It was sorta amicable though I think he wanted it more than I did. After 3 months of back and forth, we decided to try reconcile which happened over the last 2 month's. The beginning was great but I ended up more miserable than ever. I decided that we werent right for eachother and that I should end it when I felt the time was right. He ended up beating me to the punch again... I dont feel he was serious about reconciling and it came accross in his actions. I wanted a commitment which he wouldn't give. Anyway. The whole breakup talk went well and it was quite respectful and supportive. He knew there was no going back again because I told him if he walks away its over forever. We decided that we would like to keep our friendship. He suggested 2 month's nc first and I was fine with that. He broke nc 3 days later to check up on me... but his motives are questionable. I think he was feeling guilty and used me to make himself feel better. he had been in regular contact via email or google+ every 5 to 7 days. He mainly just says that he hopes I am doing well and gives me links to music... because im the only person in his life who shares music taste. He doesnt seem to be having a hard time with anything other than not speaking to me too much. I dont miss our relationship. .. but I still value our friendship a lot. I do not want him back but I obviously still love him. It's been 2 weeks now since we split and I've been having serious doubts about whether we can be friends. I've been having a rough time lately dealing with all this and ive been feeling quite sad and depressed. I dont really have friends and my family is being a bit unsupportive because they objected the reconciling in the first place. I find myself getting angry and even resenting him at times for what he has put me through. Im seeing all the red flags I chose to ignore... and I know now he was never prepared to commit to me the way I was committed to him. He saw no future for us. Recently I found out something that makes me feel really betrayed and disrespected. I spoke to him about it and he had made no effort to correct it... even though I basically changed everything about my life for him... to make him happy. my problem is though, that when we speak... all those feelings of anger go out the window and I become nostalgic and find myself clinging to our friendship like a life boat. I feel that being angry is helping me but then how will I be able to be friends with someone I hate? I need advice I know that I should probably tell him to not contact me in a good long while but like I said... I really dont have much support getting through this aside from him. And im not sure that I would even pursue the friendship after some time has passed. please help. What are your thoughts, ideas and opinions? Link to comment
charity Posted August 25, 2013 Share Posted August 25, 2013 i'm sorry but realistically you cannot be friends. its not genuine friendship you see. you say he 'used' you to make himself feel better. but you are doing the same 'i don't have much support to get through this apart from him'. so you are boy using each other to ease the acceptance of the break up. it doesn't help. it will prolong the agony of breaking up. i AM friends with my ex but it came YEARS after the break up and happened naturally not forced. Link to comment
aseeker Posted August 25, 2013 Share Posted August 25, 2013 First, your ex should not be your support system. He's not impartial and will, therefore, not be a suitable person to deal with your issues. Especially because those issues are about him. Of course he will do what is in his best interest and not yours, even if he cares about you. If you want to be friends with him, take a time out. You cannot be friends right now. You should not even contact one another. Go NC and be strong. It will hurt a lot and you will be miserable for a bit, but in time it will past. Whilst if you keep this up, you will hurt more and for a longer period of time. Talk to your family about this if you can. Make them understand that you do not want your ex back (even if you do) and are just really fragile right now, needing support. They will help you if they know this is not about getting your ex back and hurting yourself. And really, it's not. You need to heal properly. Best of luck! Link to comment
sharky988 Posted August 25, 2013 Share Posted August 25, 2013 Non-commiters hate to let go. Poor baby. He only wants to be "friends" for now to help himself transition to being single. Once he meets someone else, the contact will stop on his end and you'll see how much your special "frienship" really means to him. Forget holding his hand through the breakup -- is it helping YOU to get over him and move on? Nope. Go NC so you can start to heal from this breakup -- and he can see what life is like without having you there on the back burner. Link to comment
top bloke Posted August 25, 2013 Share Posted August 25, 2013 A break up is called break up for a reason. My prescription for your sanity is no contact period. No messages no replies just dont do it. Let it become something in the past you dont want to be with him this friends stuff is just rubbish sorry. Link to comment
Elowise Posted August 25, 2013 Share Posted August 25, 2013 Contact is emotional suicide. Trust me. Link to comment
Kendahke Posted August 25, 2013 Share Posted August 25, 2013 I think that you need to really stand sentry to your boundaries and not allow him to disrespect them just because he's feeling lonely. He's basically getting the relationship he wants on his terms--with no obligations to your feelings or the relationship itself. He's being rather selfish if he can't stick to 2 months nc. You have to put him on block in order to protect your feelings til you get past being so easily lured back into the familiar with him. That means block him on your cell phone, on your email. on all of your social media. And you have every right to take what measures you see fit in order to look after yourself. Link to comment
pandorasbox1 Posted August 25, 2013 Author Share Posted August 25, 2013 Thank you all. And sharky, thats something we spoke about and he basically even admitted to me that if he has a new gf and she has a problem with us being in contact then he would cease all contact. I've also been doing some thinking and research and turns out I was righy about him... he's a narcissist. He manipulates and orchestrates many things so that he always comes out looking like the hero. This guy has damaged my self esteem and confidence beyond repair... I know this friends thing wont end well... its just hard to let go. I really feel like I've been played a fool Link to comment
top bloke Posted August 25, 2013 Share Posted August 25, 2013 Letting go is always hard but it is part of the road to healing putting it behind you and building a new life. Link to comment
aseeker Posted August 25, 2013 Share Posted August 25, 2013 Your ex and mine look similar. They want to do everything they want and expect us to go along with it. Don't make the same mistakes I did. He will end up not respecting you anymore and then the friends thing will DEFINITELY be out of the picture permanently. Not that you should care, he's no friend so good riddance! If anger helps you move on, so be it. Anger is better than sadness because it pulls us forward. Sadness will either pull you back or keep you right where you are, no progress at all. At least, for longer than anger would allow. Sadness is good in small amounts, bad in great proportions. Being miserable does make you learn, though. Link to comment
sharky988 Posted August 25, 2013 Share Posted August 25, 2013 Thank you all. And sharky, thats something we spoke about and he basically even admitted to me that if he has a new gf and she has a problem with us being in contact then he would cease all contact. I've also been doing some thinking and research and turns out I was righy about him... he's a narcissist. He manipulates and orchestrates many things so that he always comes out looking like the hero. This guy has damaged my self esteem and confidence beyond repair... I know this friends thing wont end well... its just hard to let go. I really feel like I've been played a fool You're NOT a fool for wanting to stay in contact with someone you care about! You're just human. Many dumpers make it easy by cutting off contact themselves, but some dumpers are so selfish they don't want to let go (until they've got someone else lined up.) It's in your best interest to let him know "just friends" doesn't work for you. Tell him it's time to cut contact, wish him the best and thank him for understanding -- and then BLOCK HIM. On your phone, your email, Facebook and all social media. Just do it. IF he ever changes his mind about committing to you, he'll find a way to let you know. Otherwise, you need to protect yourself with a cocoon of No Contact so you can recover -- and get yourself back! Have you read FlyingPiggy's guide? If not, check it out! Link to comment
pandorasbox1 Posted August 25, 2013 Author Share Posted August 25, 2013 But thats the thing... I dont want him back ever... unless by some miracle he becomes a man that wants marriage and children with me... I somehow doubt he will change in that way... I value our friendship because we seem to be in a place where friendship works. We dont want to be with eachother romantically. I do think he was selfish in that he wouldn't give me some time. .. ugh... I dunno what to do. Im so confused. Im thinking of telling him to just give me time... but I know myself... I know that after some time I will want nothing to do with him anyway. And if by some miracle we do end up having a friendship. .. I dont want him to ditch me the second he has someone new in his life... especially if our friendship is purely platonic. Im scared to let go of this friendship. It petrifies me... I think its because its the best one ive ever had and I dont really have other friends with whom I can really connect. .. im scared of losing the frienship Link to comment
sharky988 Posted August 25, 2013 Share Posted August 25, 2013 If you have no interest in him romantically, then go ahead and be his "friend'! (I only use the quotes because your friendship will be over when he gets his next girlfriend.) I question whether you're really being honest with yourself about what you want. Are you willing to settle for a platonic friendship -- in hopes that by staying in his life he'll someday realize how great you are and change his mind? Don't do that! The ONLY REASON he's not committing to you is: HE DOESN'T WANT TO. Guess what -- if he loved you enough, he'd commit to you. He doesn't see you as "forever material." Your friendship that means so much to him? That's called PLAN B. That's to keep you around in case he doesn't meet anyone better. Yep: better. Because he doesn't see you as a first choice. He sees you as a backup option. Is this really such a great love -- such a profound connection -- that you'd be willing to settle for a platonic friendship with someone who doesn't even love you enough to want to commit to you? You deserve MORE. Link to comment
pandorasbox1 Posted August 25, 2013 Author Share Posted August 25, 2013 You're right... maybe I need to examine my feelings and motives a little more. .. I feel like should move on but thats such a hard step for me to take... I feel like I should meet with him face to face. This stuff is weighing heavy on me... im so emotional. .. its hard not to cry even at the mention of his name. I feel so crappy... I just want to get this all out the way. Link to comment
sharky988 Posted August 25, 2013 Share Posted August 25, 2013 You're right... maybe I need to examine my feelings and motives a little more. .. I feel like should move on but thats such a hard step for me to take... I feel like I should meet with him face to face. This stuff is weighing heavy on me... im so emotional. .. its hard not to cry even at the mention of his name. I feel so crappy... I just want to get this all out the way. I feel for you -- I think we're all emotional when it comes to someone we love. And there's no one here who enjoys going No Contact, or losing a friendship that meant so much. The problem is, holding on to a relationship with someone you want to be with, who doesn't want you, is painful and keeps you in a cycle of pain. You're not healing, you're not getting over him. You have the rest of your life to reach out to him and be friends again. Five years from now, when you're already married to your new, way-more-awesome future boyfriend and blissfully awaiting the arrival of your first child, give this loser a call and meet with him face-to-face then. See how much that friendship means to you both then. But now? You don't need to see this guy in person. The only reason to meet him in person is to hope that seeing you will somehow change his mind..... and honestly, haven't you done enough hoping and begging and talking about what you want versus what he wants?? It's better when you've cut him off and blocked him -- believe me, I KNOW how hard it is. But the way you're doing it now is really much, much harder in the long run. Link to comment
pandorasbox1 Posted August 25, 2013 Author Share Posted August 25, 2013 Well... I decided to give him a call to ask him to skype with me so we could talk about things. He never answered and o felt a bit relieved. I started hoping he was pissed at me for something and that he would leave me alone for a while. I was fine with never hearing from him again... but I called like an idiot again after an hour or so... still no answer. I sent him a message asking if he wasnt taking my calls. He messaged me back an hour later saying he wasnt near his phone. Im livid. .. I ignored his message. .. he didnt even have the decency to call to check if I was okay. .. surely you assume something must have been important if a person calls you twice... he didnt call and im soooo pissed and hurt. I dont feel I should ever speak to him again but rather just disappear. I know its not the right thing to do...... but he isnt being much of a concerned friend. Im over this. I dont need this. Clearly his words mean little more than nothing. Link to comment
kz91 Posted August 25, 2013 Share Posted August 25, 2013 You don't have to be angry, it happens in it's own way and time. Link to comment
markie6 Posted August 26, 2013 Share Posted August 26, 2013 I think at some point in time a certain amount of anger will set in. Often due to the time wasted , behaviour or yourself or your ex , how things worked out. It might not last long but when you truly take them off the pedestal & see them for who they are you often get periods of anger that can be directed at yourself , to them or both. Now the anger can take a while to appear but if you saw the breakup coming and it didn't feel like a bolt from the blue, then perhaps you are less likely to get very angry. If you found out you were cheated on..then anger would probably occur etc... So in essence, a certain amount is, I believe normal and helpful to enable people to move on Link to comment
Tinkie9901 Posted August 26, 2013 Share Posted August 26, 2013 Sharky is right... it is that much harder if you keep them in your life during this process. I've been through it both ways... total NC with my ex husband and having work contact with my current ex. It was definitely a lot easier to heal and move forward when I did it the NC way. Unfortunately this time around I have to spend a day a week working closely with my ex and I can say without a doubt I would have healed 100% by now if I was able to have NC. You also need to remember that there is a difference between not wanting a relationship with someone, and not having feelings for someone. You might not want to date this guy again, but that doesn't mean you don't still have unresolved feelings for him, and seeing him will drag them back up to the surface every time. I don't want to be with my ex again, but I still miss the relationship occasionally, and seeing him at work still triggers intense memories. And you don't HAVE to be angry to heal, but you do need to distance yourself enough to get true perspective, and that is harder when they are still around. Link to comment
sharky988 Posted August 26, 2013 Share Posted August 26, 2013 Im livid. .. I ignored his message. .. he didnt even have the decency to call to check if I was okay. .. surely you assume something must have been important if a person calls you twice... he didnt call and im soooo pissed and hurt. I dont feel I should ever speak to him again but rather just disappear. I know its not the right thing to do...... but he isnt being much of a concerned friend. Im over this. I dont need this. Clearly his words mean little more than nothing. You're not his girlfriend anymore. You're just a friend now. He's not obligated to take your calls or return your calls right away. If a friend took a day or two to get back to you, would you be soooooo pissed and hurt? Nope. If a friend left a message, would you "ignore" it? You are acting like you're still his girlfriend and in a relationship with him, but you're not. You no longer get special treatment -- which is just another reason why it's such a huge mistake to stay in contact with an ex after a breakup. Link to comment
surfjon Posted August 26, 2013 Share Posted August 26, 2013 Raine..... I did use my anger at how I was treated for all those months, I used it as a strong motivator that I had been thru enough and wanted out....I let it be a positive influence....not anger at her, but anger with myself for allowing it to happen.... Yes, anger was one of my "tools" to get over her and remove the rose-colored glasses and smash the pedastal..... She did eventually ask for another chance, but our reconciliation has been very unsatisfying and I have begun to distance myself..... This time it's me fading away, I'm just not happy......just really weary of it all...... Link to comment
Live-N-Learn Posted August 26, 2013 Share Posted August 26, 2013 I have no desire to be friends with my ex. I will always be triggered by her and want to jump her bones even if I don't like her that much as a person anymore. Its a weird dynamic that I may never fully understand and don't need to. I just know being in contact with her is not beneficial to me and my emotional health. Cut her off in Dec 2011 and have not reach out to her since. Life is much better even though I still think about her from time to time. Link to comment
pandorasbox1 Posted August 26, 2013 Author Share Posted August 26, 2013 Thank you all for taking the time. Surfjon... I really hope you do whats right for you. There is no point in sticking around in something that makes you unhappy. I feel a lot better now we are not together. Link to comment
surfjon Posted August 27, 2013 Share Posted August 27, 2013 Raine, It's become an odd dynamic, I had started enjoying my life without her, then gave her a chance but it can never be the same.... Now I hardly even ask her to do anything and when we do it seems really forced, like I can't be myself anymore around her, and the time with her isn't really even enjoyable..... Plus, we never do the things that I really liked about being in a relationship for... Chatting about the small points of the day, just hearing that persons voice... Random sweet texts during the day.... Just sitting and reading with someone close... Watching a stupid movie together.... Just taking walks and talking.... When two people no longer can enjoy the day-to-day simplicities, it's over in my opinion..... I now see this is not what I want in a relationship....4 months ago all I wanted is her back... Now all I want is ME back...... Link to comment
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