When dating - 12 core values to live by...

[Deciduous]

Hi Guys,

 

Saw this article in baggagereclaim... 12 core boundaries that every woman, in fact, every person should live by. Now ain't that the truth!

 

 

1. Under no circumstances will I date someone who is married or has a partner.

 

This also rules out people who have just separated, have been long term separated with no actual divorce on the horizon, and who are not over their ex. You are not a buffer/emotional airbag. You’re not someone to pass time with while they figure out what they do and don’t want, and the moment that you involve yourself in any of the above situations, the person knows that they don’t really have to do anything. If they lie to you and let you think they’re single, abort mission.

 

I should also remind about ‘lender awareness’ – do not allow yourself to be in a situation where you are sharing your man, whether it’s because you turn a blind eye to his cheating, or you keep letting him break up with you and then take him back once he’s got her/them out of his skin…which brings me neatly to…

 

2. I will not spend my time waiting around, whether it’s for their calls, or for them to show up after they’ve disappeared, waiting for them to come back, waiting for them to turn into The Man I Think He Could/Should Be, or waiting for them to decide if they want to be with me – I’m not putting my life on hold for anyone.

 

When a man is interested, you are in no doubt about their interest and they don’t run the risk of losing you. You have to stop acting like every guy could be the one and like there’s a fire – there isn’t. You deserve better than someone’s half hearted interest and there is no excuse for any man keeping you waiting around. He snoozes, he loses. The sooner they experience this, the sooner they learn to treat the women they date with more respect.

 

This also means you will avoid being in barely there, ‘non-relationships’.

 

When someone’s interested in you and wants a relationship, you know you’re in that relationship and it’s not ambiguous or a secret.

 

And never, ever, ever, ever, ever, wait around for someone to decide whether they want a relationship with you. Don’t demean yourself!

 

3. I will not continue engaging in any relationship where either they or I don’t treat me with love, care, trust, and respect.

 

Start as you mean to go on. Even though love is not there from the outset, there is no excuse for someone not to treat you with care, trust, and respect. It’s called integrity and decency. By the same token, if loving them means you can’t love you, always choose you. Do not erode your self-esteem by disrespecting yourself in a relationship. If you don’t treat you decently, others won’t. This is a fundamental part of having boundaries. If you can’t date with self-esteem, don’t date until you can.

 

4. I will not continue dating someone who reveals themselves to be a Future Faker or a Future Avoider.

 

Whether they tell lies about the future to get what they want in the present or they just refuse to talk about the future, if you’re involved with Pinocchio or you’re with someone who can’t see their way to making plans with you, cut them off as soon as this becomes evident.

 

Some people just can’t help but talk themselves up a storm at the beginning. They believe their own hype and overestimate their interest and end up making promises they can’t and won’t deliver on. Watch how quickly their personality switches or they disappear when they’re expected to deliver. Don’t waste your life waiting for them to become the Person They Were In The Beginning.

 

If someone is reluctant to talk about the future, it’s because they don’t want to give you the impression that you’re in it or they don’t want to accidentally commit and give you the wrong idea.

 

5. I will not date someone who controls the relationship on their terms – I must be in mutually fulfilling, balanced, healthy relationships.

 

Plain and simple, if you are not on an equal footing in the relationship and one person is dictating the temperature and pace and deciding what does and doesn’t happen, you are in an unhealthy relationship. You’ll know it’s only their terms when you try to instigate your own or balance things out – they’ll shut down/disappear/get confrontational or pretend to agree and then revert back to doing their own thing.

6. I will not allow someone to use me for sex, devalue me sexually, or treat me in a less than manner.

 

It’s your prerogative to have casual sex but you should only be doing so if it’s what you actually want and are not building up feelings. You cannot work your way up from booty call to girlfriend. Likewise, if your relationship is all about the sex and you want more than this, opt out. Don’t let someone use you as a sexual plaything or degrade you – you must have limits.

 

7. I will drop guys who manage the bulk of the communication in our relationship by text, email, or instant messenger, like a hot potato.

 

There is no excuse for this lazy communication and it’s the hallmark of emotionally unavailable people who want to keep themselves distant. It’s not modern relationships and dating – it’s modern booty calls and half hearted interest. It says, I’m not interested enough to actually make a proper effort with you.

8. I will not allow lies to foster my interactions, whether it’s being in denial or listening to bull, being fed lies, or getting the truth distorted.

 

Feet in reality, shed the fur coat of denial and keep yourself on a Bullsh*t Diet. Don’t let anybody dripfeed you the truth, twist it around, or repeatedly lie to you and get caught out. If you accept it, they’ll think they have license to keep lying to you. People who have integrity and respect you don’t lie to you.

9. I will not pursue someone who has either directly or passively rejected me.

 

Trust me, you know when someone is not interested or is half hearted and using you for what they can get, or has outright turned you down. If they were interested, you wouldn’t still be chasing them!

 

This means no pursuing them after they have turned you down, been half hearted in their interest, shagged around on you, not bothered to call you, pit you against other women and certainly no chasing someone to convince them that they should be interested in you. You have more self respect than this and you don’t need to be the equivalent of a used car salesman forcing yourself on someone.

10. I will not play Florence Nightingale because it is not my job to fix/heal/help the Walking Wounded, which means no partners with substance dependency/abuse and no partners that have issues that prevent them from healthily engaging in a relationship.

 

Everyone has issues but there’s baggage and there’s baggage. Let them sort out their own problems and don’t hide behind theirs. Always acknowledge the red flag that is a dependency on something or emotional/behavioural issues that prevent a healthy relationship. If you ignore, you’ll make the ill advised assumption that your feelings cancel out your concerns – they don’t.

11. I will not date an assclown – someone who is unkind/cruel, lacking in empathy, and at best takes advantage and at worst, abuses me.

 

When someone treats you poorly, it’s not going to get better because you claim to love them but it will get worse if you stick around. Check out my post on red flags as well.

12. I will not make up excuses for other people’s behaviour or make exceptions to my boundaries. My boundaries are non-negotiable!

 

Do not treat your partners like children even if they act like it. Don’t make it up as you go along either and come up with your own reasons for why you think they behave as they do. That’s projection. Respect your own boundaries, so that either others do, or you recognise when they don’t. But do not make exceptions because you will keep lengthening your yardstick. This guideline also applies to when they ask you to make an exception to your normal rule of behaviour – someone who genuinely has your best interests at heart will not expect or demand that you do something outside of your normal behaviour.

 

Your thoughts?

[NIN2000]

Good post.

 

Very interesting and useful tips.

 

In summary; honesty and respect take you farther in life.

[sara-pezzini]

i don't agree with #2, there CAN be very valid reasons for a man or woman to keep someone waiting and those don't have to be excuses, happened with me and my BF, he was very scared becaue of a lot of abuse in his life, always been treated like crap and never knowing love, he was scared of it, same goes for me, i was terrified because i was a virgin and never had any interactions really with men, so we both needed a lot of time, but are very committed now and are talking marriage, so it doesn't always have to be an excuse.

 

i also don't agree with #7, i am guilty of that one and it is no laziness at all, it is just easier for me to write a mail than to talk about what is bothering me, due to my past.

 

you cannot generalize everyone and everything, there are always exceptions to every rule...

[zentoCC]

Interesting post, definitely something to remember when I start dating again.

[Cherry009]

No. 1 is hard to control. I have been a rebound many times, but you dont know this until they have ended it, they seem all keen and into you but before you know it you get the 'im still not over my ex' line. While you were with them though they make out they are over them or lie and say they have been single for a lot longer than they actually have.

[Deciduous]

No. 1 is hard to control. I have been a rebound many times, but you dont know this until they have ended it, they seem all keen and into you but before you know it you get the 'im still not over my ex' line. While you were with them though they make out they are over them or lie and say they have been single for a lot longer than they actually have.

 

But don't you find the Ex's name often comes up in these scenarios. Even if it's negative stuff, clearly the Ex is still on their mind. Their past relationship is discussed in a little tooo much detail.

 

I do think that these are red flags. If you are on a date with some-one who is really into you and emotionally available - the last thing they'd chat about is how "Mindy is a no good two-timing monster and never let you eat food with garlic.

 

 

As a rule of thumb, the number of times the Ex's name comes up, is inverse to the length of time your relationship will last with the rebounder.

 

I swear it's true.

 

Deci

[Deciduous]

I'm sure there are exceptions to every rule in life.

 

But would you geniuely suggest, some-one sit at home eagerly awaiting the calls of some-one who rarely contacts them, or only as a last thought. I'm not suggesting that is what happened to you but, I think your post proves the point. There were some geniue and serious emotional issues why your relationship went the particular route that it did. I hope you don't mind me saying.

 

And as for No.7 - Managing the relationship through email, texts, Skype and phone calls as opposed to actually meeting up with you,

 

Are there any great reasons for this at the beginning of a relationship? Unless of course he has an "understandable" excuse such as,

 

a) He's in the State Penitentuary for 8-10

 

b) He fell into an inexplicable coma, the day after your first date.

 

c) He's been temporarily sectioned

 

d) He's suffering from retrograde amnesia or anterograde amnesia

 

e)You've agreed to enter into a Long Distance Relationship (This last one I understand. The others not so much)

 

Deci

[Cherry009]

But don't you find the Ex's name often comes up in these scenarios. Even if it's negative stuff, clearly the Ex is still on their mind. Their past relationship is discussed in a little tooo much detail.

 

I do think that these are red flags. If you are on a date with some-one who is really into you and emotionally available - the last thing they'd chat about is how "Mindy is a no good two-timing and never let you eat food with garlic.

 

 

As a rule of thumb, the number of times the Ex's name comes up, is inverse to the length of time your relationship will last with the rebounder.

 

I swear it's true.

 

Deci

 

This is true the more i think about it, The last guy who rebounded on me talked about his ex a fair bit, and the ex before her, i think he was messed up from a few of his past relationships, definitely something to look out for in future!! thanks

[sara-pezzini]

it was not a matter of "as a last thought"

all i'm saying is if he had not been this patient with me i would not be in a relationship right now with the man i love and the same goes the other way around, sometimes people over-generalize, "he is just not that into you" when there can be real, honest and valid issues in someone's life and all they need is someone to be a little more patient and see beyond the walls that have been put up, it might be worth it...but too many people want it, want it now or else move on to the next, when in fact this situation can be true and deep love, as it is with me and my BF.....but both of us had issues, most people would have given up on us, and we are extremely happy together, i have watched him change into a playful man again and i have changed a lot as well, all because of his love, but we both needed a chance, a break if you will....

[patterned]

Posting because I think it's important to link to the original link removed. link removed is a good resource for people of this forum.

[Deciduous]

Posting because I think it's important to link to the original link removed. link removed is a good resource for people of this forum.

 

Very good idea patterned. It's a great site for those getting back into the dating pool, or navigating relationship issues.

 

Deci

[annie24]

i agree with those, but i see the others' points that there can be exceptions to the rule.

 

in some of my bad dating relationships, i think several of those were true at the same time. so if you are dating someone and see that several of those rules are being violated, you might want to rethink the relationship.

[Ms Darcy]

I agree with this list.

 

For some reason, there are a lot a guys on this forum who end up with "wounded girls" and then feel upset when they are dumped. They did those guys a favor! Men need and deserve an equal partner and not a project. Same for women.

 

I also think it's nuts when so many people date people who are "separated." Separated is still married people.

[Deciduous]

i agree with those, but i see the others' points that there can be exceptions to the rule.

 

in some of my bad dating relationships, i think several of those were true at the same time. so if you are dating someone and see that several of those rules are being violated, you might want to rethink the relationship.

 

Ha-ha! How very true.

 

Once I dated a guy who was a "5 out of 12" on this list. This was about 10 years ago. I thought he needed love, empathy and patience. Sadly what the poor dear needed was "Therapy, medication and possible sectioning.

 

Ah, happy days.

 

Deci

[Blue Spiral]

When a man is interested, you are in no doubt about their interest and they don’t run the risk of losing you. You have to stop acting like every guy could be the one and like there’s a fire – there isn’t. You deserve better than someone’s half hearted interest and there is no excuse for any man keeping you waiting around. He snoozes, he loses. The sooner they experience this, the sooner they learn to treat the women they date with more respect.

 

I've been ditched by a decent amount of women, and I have to say, it never taught me to treat them with more respect, or to value them more or make more of the opportunity (the latter two being the implied message of that rule). The idea that it should do that sort of creeps me out. "We hurt you, so are you ready to act right, now?" It just soured me on the idea of romance, and made me take steps to protect myself emotionally. The idea that it'll "teach them a lesson" is certainly an empowering fantasy, but I think the real focus of that rule should be the self-protection one: if someone isn't appreciating you/giving you what you want, you need to get out. I follow that rule religiously...

 

Also, in regards to "he snoozes, he loses": I hate that sort of attitude. I understand that women are attracted to confidence, so it's natural to assume that men must be, too, but nothing repulses me more than a woman with an "I'm so awesome, you're gonna miss out unless you step up your game" attitude. I've walked away from extremely attractive women over that issue. That sort of high-maintenance princess mentality just turns me off. How would a guy deal with that, over the course of a relationship? If her image of herself is that inflated, and her expectations are that high, it'll never work.

[annie24]

lol, but you don't even want a relationship!!!! if a woman is looking for a boyfriend, and she is following the 12 core values, and she weeds you out, isn't that better for her? you're not looking for a relationship.

[oglez1990]

No.7 is an interesting one. Whats wrong with those communication methods? Granted, a phone call is more personal but not always easy

[Blue Spiral]

lol, but you don't even want a relationship!!!! if a woman is looking for a boyfriend, and she is following the 12 core values, and she weeds you out, isn't that better for her? you're not looking for a relationship.

 

So, men that do want a relationship need to be taught that women can dispose of them at any time? (See: "The sooner they experience this, the sooner they learn to treat the women they date with more respect.") If I do the same thing to women, then what's the problem?

 

Also, my disliking that princess-y attitude has nothing to do with my views on relationships...unless you think that all monogamy-minded guys are slavering for an "I'm so awesome, hold on while I tweet about myself" girl?

[annie24]

So, men that do want a relationship need to be taught that women can dispose of them at any time? (See: "The sooner they experience this, the sooner they learn to treat the women they date with more respect.") If I do the same thing to women, then what's the problem?

 

what's your point? didn't you just tell a guy on another thread that if his date is not meeting his needs to move on?

 

"if someone isn't appreciating you/giving you what you want, you need to get out. I follow that rule religiously..."

ok - you said it here too.

 

besides - these 12 core values are for ALL people, not just women looking for a boyfriend.

[Deciduous]

No.7 is an interesting one. Whats wrong with those communication methods? Granted, a phone call is more personal but not always easy

 

It's when some-one conduct 90% of the relationship this way, that it becomes a problem. I mention this in Post #7

 

As in, "I can't be bothered to meet up with you from week to week so I just text, when you corner me.."

 

Also known as The Fade-Away:sneakiness:

 

 

 

Deci

[The_Seeker]

Thanks for posting this, Deciduous. I subbed it.

 

I agreed with these rules. It shows a lot character and integrity in the person with these values.

[Deciduous]

I've been ditched by a decent amount of women, and I have to say, it never taught me to treat them with more respect, or to value them more or make more of the opportunity (the latter two being the implied message of that rule). The idea that it should do that sort of creeps me out. "We hurt you, so are you ready to act right, now?" It just soured me on the idea of romance, and made me take steps to protect myself emotionally. The idea that it'll "teach them a lesson" is certainly an empowering fantasy, but I think the real focus of that rule should be the self-protection one: if someone isn't appreciating you/giving you what you want, you need to get out. I follow that rule religiously...

 

I actually think you have a fair point, in terms of the wording in this particular "core value."

 

The sooner they experience this, the sooner they learn to treat the women they date with more respect.

However, this is just one line in nine, on entry No.2. It's interesting how you have focused upon it, and see it as subliminal encouragement for women to abuse men.

 

Deci

[pl3asehelp]

It's sad someone had to write this down. If a person has any kind of self esteem at all, this is all just natural common sense.

[Deciduous]

It's sad someone had to write this down. If a person has any kind of self esteem at all, this is all just natural common sense.

 

Sweetie,

 

As delighted as I am to hear that you've experienced perfect relationships, with just the right blend of respect and joy on both sides, - since the age, oh, 17 - the rest of us are human, and sometimes we come a cropper. This is just a brief reminder of the lessons we have already learned along the way.

 

I do have a question though. Why are you here, on enotalone? These are exactly the type of issues that come up. If these self-esteem issues are completely alien to you - (and do I detect a note of contempt ) then how do you propose to help posters?

 

 

I'm curious. Enlighten me.

 

Deci

[pl3asehelp]

Sweetie,

 

As delighted as I am to hear that you've experienced perfect relationships, with just the right blend of respect and joy on both sides, - since the age, oh, 17 - the rest of us are human, and sometimes we come a cropper. This is just a brief reminder of the lessons we have already learned along the way.

 

I do have a question though. Why are you here, on enotalone? These are exactly the type of issues that come up. If these self-esteem issues are completely alien to you - (and do I detect a note of contempt ) then how do you propose to help posters?

 

 

I'm curious. Enlighten me.

 

Deci

 

I'm here particularly because this is so foreign to me. I came here for a very minor issue and was and still am stunned at the way people treat others and allow themselves to be treated. It was like learning I could talk to aliens. Helping these folks is like shooting fish in a barrell - it's almost always obvious common sense. I mean really, which of these rules did you not already know?