My Boyfriend Secretly Married Someone While Dating Me

[GEM0420]

Thank you for the article. I just don't understand why he did this to me. He said I was the one more than once, he said we would grow old together and if I ever died before him he would go live with the monks and make wine. Yeah!! I'm so upset this hurts so bad. I can't eat or sleep.

[GEM0420]

Thank you for the article. I just don't understand why he did this to me. He said I was the one more than once, he said we would grow old together and if I ever died before him he would go live with the monks and make wine. Yeah!! I'm so upset this hurts so bad. I can't eat or sleep.

[LEEsEx]

Dear BrnEyedGirl,

 

I don't know if you're still a member and I really hope you get this. The same thing happened to me and your story was almost IDENTICAL to mine. I was in a LDR with a man who is in a medical field and he introduced me to his entire family right away--except for his kids who I met months later. He insisted on meeting my entire family and knowing all of my friends, especially anyone else I knew in Houston. He and I were together almost 2 years commuting almost every week. I found out only after I relocated to Houston and on my first day at a new job that he'd secretly married someone else who is also in the medical profession just like in your story. Our stories are way too similar and I wonder if it could be a strange coincidence or something that needs more looking into. Please contact me here if you can--if you get this. You really are not alone. Blessings to you. I hope you are doing better by now. I definitely understand the struggle.

 

 

QUOTE=BrnEyedGirl;5766908]Hi everyone,

 

I'm sorry in advance if this turns out to be a long post or if it sounds overly emotional/confusing. I am in desperate need of advice and have no one to turn to. Right now, my mind is a mess..I am shocked, sad, and drowning in my own tears

 

My story:

 

I'm in a committed LDR for the past 4 years with my boyfriend. He lives in Texas and I'm in Canada. We have made frequent trips during that time as well as spoke on the phone (and internet) every day, multiple times a day for hours. He has already met my family and I flew to another country to meet his father. Since the beginning we have always talked about marriage, kids and spending our lives together. He was supposed to be "the one" for me.

 

Yesterday I randomly ended up looking him up on a search engine. I had done this once when we were first dating, but it was more curiosity at that time. Last night it was for a silly reason of hearing on the news about identity theft and they recommended you should look up loved ones on a search engine to make sure no one has been using their info. And so that's what I did. I searched his email and came accross his FB profile. He had FB when we first were dating but said he rarely used it and I guess he made it difficult to search (wasn't able to find it the first time I looked).. And I'm not on FB so I wouldnt really be able to check otherwise. Anyway, there was his profile with one pic that I could see. I read the comment that someone left and it said " Nice pic! Congrats on the wedding to ****. Hope we can all go on a trip one day".....My mouth hit the floor. It hasn't left.

 

I ended up staying up all night and found out through further googling and clicking on FB that his brother in law had posted pictures. And then I saw them.. There were 4 pictures of my boyfriend of 4 years with some other woman.. MARRIAGE PICTURES!! The date was Nov 23, 2012. I remember around that time he said he had to help his Dad with some business and also see his sister and brother in law (they all live in anther country. I haven't met his sister or brother in law btw as they live so far, but have spoken to them) and he said he was going to his cousin's wedding and he needed to go as he missed so many family weddings growing up. I stupidly believed him. I checked my old texts and he had written before he left, "I love you so much. I'll miss you and would much rather be coming to see you". He kept in touch through texts and we spoke a few times, but he said he had issues connecting his phone. Truthfully I don't even know where he got married or if he ever left, as the pics say Houston. And if he did get married how/why was he txting and calling me like nothing happened, telling me that he went to some relatives house and that he was helping with the cousins wedding etc??...I just can't understand any of this.

 

The worst part of last night was seeing this other woman (this pretty doctor) and when I clicked on her profile she had a wedding picture of my bf, his father and her as her cover. I was able to click on the only 4 pictures I could see (because of privacy settings!) and they were all of the wedding. One was a picture of both of them at a club hugging. It was dated a few months ago, a couple weeks after my birthday.

 

I literally collapsed on the floor after seeing all of this...shaking, crying, stunned. I pulled up old pictures of us together just to make sure this was him. I felt like I was going crazy and kept telling myself, that maybe this was some other guy who just really looked like him. But it wasn't. I feel like I'm living in a nightmare

 

This past year has been hell on me since I have had some ongoing health issues, and I even briefly considered not being with him a few months ago as I didn't want to make his life harder because I was so sick. I stupidly have always thought of him. I have been 100% faithful to his man. I just can't understand how anyone can do this to someone. I couldn't even imagine doing this to my worst enemy. It's not like he had some arranged marriage, because he looks happy and he has always told me that he is an independent man. He had a past marriage that failed and during the first part of our relationship we spoke at length about what he went through and how she took him for a ride. (Who knows if that's true or not) I always was on his side about his role in his marriage and helped him through whatever traumas he had dealt with in his childhood (his mom and brother passed away when he was young).

 

Our relationship has had some ups and downs like every relationship, but we were happy I thought. If there were ever times when we did fight, he always pushed for us to stay together. Ive even heard him cry on the phone about us always staying together..Were those even real tears or maybe just crocodile tears?

 

Our last call yesterday he was telling me how excited he was to have children with me one day and he started asking me about how we should plan our future..where we wanted to live, etc. Im confused as to how can he be married to someone else and have a full relationship with me. Making me believe that we have this amazing future together when really I have nothing. Telling me each and every day that he's in love with me. Words which I really believed. I don't know if I became the other woman or was she dating him before me, and I'm the other woman. Whichever way it is, its absolutely horrible. I feel like the floor has fallen from under me.

 

I have thought about flying to Houston so that I can find this other woman and tell her the truth about her supposed perfect husband. I know you may think it's wrong to do so, but my life has been destroyed by this so why should he be able to just continue with his with no repercussions. It's not something that I ever would like to do, as I'm sure she thinks the world of him too, but why should he just escape blame free??? Plus he's ruining her life too, by having this relationship with me. I have also thought of just showing up unannounced and seeing how he reacts and confronting him them. A part of me wants him to see the pain he has caused face to face because right now I feel disposable and like I'm toy that he's playing with and will one day just throw away.

 

I love this man with all my heart..more than any one else I have ever loved. But this is the worst thing that someone you love can do to you. Sadly, I have been cheated on before, but never like this. And my boyfriend knew that I was cheated on previously and he always said he would take care of me so I never get hurt. All lies I guess

 

I really don't know how I can move on from this.I feel like I can't believe in anyone anymore. I am imagining just closing myself from perpetual hurt and just living alone forever. I feel like its one bad relationship after the next. I don't even know if any of this relationship was real..was every moment we shared a lie???

 

I don't know why he has decided to continue to make me feel like he's my boyfriend and we have this perfect life together..I would have more respect for him if he has just broke it off with me before he decided to marry this girl. Actually I don't think I'll ever have respect for him.

 

What should I do? Do I just confront him on the phone or should I travel there? Should I contact her?

 

Please help!!!

[IAmFCA]

I've decided people who say this stuff mean it, on a weird way that has nothing to do with reality. It's as if they need and want the emotional connection so badly that the lies feel like truth because they represent something they feel, even if they could never live up to the promises. The fact that they are completely unreliable and spinning a world based in fantasy doesn't matter to them. Its isn't normal and you would never be able to suspect it runs as deep as it does. It is shocking how many of us have had similar experiences.

 

There will never be a satisfying answer why. Some connections remain despite our intentions and intelligence. Keep a physical distance. It will help you.

[Hazyillusions]

Oh my God

 

My heart goes out to you. This must be so damn hard right now to decide on what to do.

 

For me personally, I would cut him out of my life. Block him on everything. Change my number and never speak to him again. If you travel down to see him, there's a high chance the wife won't believe you, and seeing how this guy could lead such a double life, spinning a story and manipulating everything will be his forte. It's toxic and you don't deserve to be part of this mess anymore.

 

Be strong, block him, delete and change numbers Get therapy, remember it's his character...You did nothing wrong.

[June0411]

I've been "crushed" with a similar type of situation just yesterday and to keep myself from going crazy i've stumbled upon this forum and this topic in particular. First of all, i just wanna say thank you to all who have been sharing their stories with all of us, you have no idea how this helps a lonely, broken and lost person wandering around trying to find at least some kind of answers... Here is my story..

 

 

Originally from USA, we met online in 2007 while i was studying in Italy, i was 20, he was 22.. He is Turkish so at that time he was studying and living in Turkey. After 9 months of every day "getting to know each other" routine we finally decided to meet in person, he came over to Italy and we spent a beautiful summer together traveling Europe, falling in love with each other even more! Right off the bat i must say that my parents weren't so pleased with my choice, he came from a different culture, religion and was not only my first serious relationship, he was my "first" too. Long story short, after long 3 years of ITALY-USA-TURKEY LDR and convincing my family that he is THE ONE, my father has finally agreed to meet him. He went through all the troubles of getting American visa just so he could come for a few days, meet my family and ask my hand from my father. After his successful trip we started thinking of moving in together, it was only a matter of deciding WHERE and HOW. I had just graduated and started a nice job in New York, he has been going through the same. So we finally agreed on a country tucked somewhere in between Turkey and Armenia called Azerbaijan. He went there first, trying to find us an apartment, trying to find a job there for himself as well. After about a month i arrived there straight from the airport into a beautiful apartment in the center of the city, completely furnished, internet, cable - all set you name it! I do have to mention one thing though, as i am not a native born American, at that time both me and my parents were living in States with a green card. For those of you who may not know, living in USA with a green card gives you total freedom to do anything, work,live (except voting) HOWEVER, there was one rule that the government stated clearly. "If you live in US with a green card and plan on becoming a citizen anytime, you need to make sure NOT to leave the country too often and for too long, in other words, no more than 6 months" As you may understand - I had to make a decision: citizenship (which also means being close to my parents) or running away with the love of my life to an unknown country (and that probably means never being able to come back home or see my parents whenever i want) Blinded as i was in love, i decided to go with plan B and moved in together with him. He popped a diamond ring on me that same day I arrived, and we quickly rushed into making it official by announcing these news to our families. According to his Turkish culture and religion, he wanted us to get a religious blessing from their mullah (pope/rabi, etc.) Again, long story short, it was up until 3 months that i started feeling really homesick and REALLY, DEEPLY realizing what i signed up for. Don't get me wrong, the relationship was great, we were in love, we had money and had fun, BUT we were lacking misunderstanding. I was trying to explain to him how important this citizenship is to me - he was trying to convince me that it's just a piece of paper, a passport, oh and by the way, TICKET TO MY HOME. We started fighting and before we knew if, i have made a decision to go back home and take care of the things that really mattered to me (aside from love) Our goodbyes were emotional, as i was basically leaving him there all alone, in that apartment that he found and decorated himself. But i had no choice, i was hoping he would understand my situation and begged him to move in with me to USA. In my mind, we would live, work and love there, at least until my paperwork would finish so i can feel safe being with him anywhere in the world for the rest of our lives. That day in 2012, we said goodbye to each other at the airport, he promised to come there as soon as he could and that was that. The minute i got on that plane he poured texts of love into me and how he could not live without me...

As i arrived home, 1 week passed without a word (he didn't ask if i arrived safely, nothing.) In 2 weeks i received a very angry e-mail from him saying how selfish i was and what damage i've done to him. That he never wants to see me again and that we are completely done. I cried my eyes out because just a week ago he was almost packing his bags to fly after me. So I pulled myself together, told myself "then it wasn't meant to be" got a job and hardly, but kept on going (as i applied for US citizenship which had to take 2 years to complete) I kept telling myself that "OK, this love has been through soo much in soo many years that 2 more years is not gonna hurt. He's going to get over it and we will be back together before we know it! And trust me, i wasn't crazy just thinking that on my own. In the next 3 years (2012-2014) this guy has been writing, calling (with a months of MIA's in-between, that is) sending gifts, money AND OF COURSE asking for "something small" in return: my loyalty, all my free time and frequent sexts (photos, videos and all that LDR fun stuff) Silly little me has been a good girl for 2 years straight (that said, i never questioned why hasn't he made the effort to come see me NOT ONCE or why is he always calling from UNKNOWN caller ID's) Being in love and blindly finding excuses for him, i convinced myself and everyone around me that "he's in love, he's just lonely, sad, etc." It didn't even surprise me that after 2 years finally receiving my American citizenship and happily announcing it to him he wasn't in a rush "to meet" at all. He said he had family problems, problems at work, but "oh, by the way, send me that new picture of you in lingerie, i promise we'll see each other soon baby!" Only thing i did, is that i decided to surprise him and fly over to Turkey. Sadly when i arrived to his city, he said that he's out of the country for work and won't be back for a month...i turned around and left back home. You would think that would be a red flag? Just wait. Finally, this Spring i received a call from him one afternoon "Baby, i miss you so much, i wanna get married, ENOUGH, quit your job, pack your bags, I'm waiting here for you with all the preparations and oh, just so you know, I think I'm ready to be a father, lets have kids!" So what do i do? With a huge smile on my face I tell my boss that I quit my job and give him a two weeks notice..this just happened last week. And finally, yesterday, a random friend of his texted me on Facebook, "how's everything, how's life? do you still keep in touch with him?" and i said "yea, in fact I'm going there in a few weeks!" and then he says "but wait, you know he's married already, right?" That sentence was the end of me. I played it cool because in the back of my mind i had all these crazy thoughts that someone is doing this to us on purpose. So then i decided to reach out to his cousin (with whom we were friends on Facebook but never really stayed in touch) You can probably guess what I was going to ask her. She answered right away and confirmed that the guys has been married for almost 2 years now, moreover, his wife is just a few months pregnant.......

 

My hands are trembling as i write this, can't eat, can't sleep, don't know what planet i'm on..

This is a person with whom WE PLANNED out our whole life together, with whom I've shared a pillow, a plate, with whom i've spent 7 long years, 3 of which was a complete lie...

 

I'm lost and I'm broken to pieces..tears rolling down my eyes as I write...

[Iggles]

^^

 

Holy crap!! This guy is such a dog!! It hurts now, but really you dodged a huge bullet. Thank gawd you didn't move over there, or worse get pregnant by this duplicitous cretin!

[June0411]

^^

 

Holy crap!! This guy is such a dog!! It hurts now, but really you dodged a huge bullet. Thank gawd you didn't move over there, or worse get pregnant by this duplicitous cretin!

 

That's what everyone keeps telling me...it hasn't settled in on me yet, but i keep telling myself that he would have pulled something like this on me sooner or later..only difference is our current status VS. actually being married, when you can't run nowhere cause your belly is up to you nose..

[Charlotte12]

I am so sorry this happened to you...my story is not close to yours...but I was left for someone else. And it hit me so suddenly that I may even get the feelings you may be feeling now. I have to agree with many of the people here saying "Thank god you didn't get married or pregnant" by this idiot. He is an . I may never get to understand why someone would do something like this to a person they say they "love". One thing is cheating once (even though you may or may not forgive it anyways) and one different thing is to keep your life going with a huge lie. Do they think they can get away with their wishes? Everything will explode on his face. I know for a fact that you always get what you deserve in life. It may not happen today, but one day this guy will get what he deserves, and you will get a happy life like you deserve!!!!!

I send you a lot of hugs and I am here if you need me!

[aiw06]

This happened to me recently. I have been seeing this guy 2 years, and recently saw a picture on facebook where it appeared he was getting married.I was shocked as were all of my friends who knew he was seeing me. We are both older, I am 61 and he is 59 so I am not usually such a bad judge of character. He would have never told me, just an accident I saw the post as he is rarely on facebook and i think the bride's family posted it. He texted me 2 weeks after the wedding wanting to get together not knowing that I knew he was married. He just joked about it when I asked him and I told him off. Now I am deciding on telling the wife, i of course know where he lives but not anything about her so i cant email or facebook her, would have to do it in person. Just the fact that he is treating this so lightly is why I think she needs to know exactly the kind of person she is married to. I would never have thought he would be like this, just shows how good sociopaths can be. I honestly think he is probably using her for monetary reasons of some kind and would hate to at least not tell her. I have the texts as proof but you never know how people will react. But i feel at least then she can make an informed decision

[chitown9]

This is an old thread.....chi

[Jennifer]

Hello Dear,

God bless you.

I have read all your emotions and I think that you have to try to forget this worst phase of your life. You must be lucky that you didn't got married to that person. If you were thinking to share it with his wife then I think what will happen? Maybe he is loyal to her or she will never believe or he will control her. So it's better to move on. God is with you so don't need to worry. God will make him realize what he did. Time will be medicine for your pain. Surely you will be happy again. Leave his life and think about your loved ones. You must know that God has better plans for you. God knows who is right and wrong for you. So smile and live a life more stronger.