vertigoxo Posted June 2, 2013 Share Posted June 2, 2013 Nervous. I kinda hope he responds to the message, but I'm also scared beyond reason that he will at the same time... Link to comment
RougeQueen Posted June 2, 2013 Author Share Posted June 2, 2013 I feel...empty. It's not a bad feeling. It feels like all the emotion has been drained out of me and I'm just sitting in the dark with absolutely no emotional input whatsoever. I wish I could describe it better than that. I feel very present, if that makes any sense. It's such a relief to not feel angry. Ever since the ex started making noise about getting back together I feel like I've been in a constant state of righteous fury. I don't know why. I've lashed out at him so many times and I hate to say it, but sometimes it felt good. I know that some of the things I've said have hurt him. I didn't care. That streak of cruelty scares me and disgusts me. I didn't know I was capable of it. The anger scares me too. It used to take a heck of a lot to get me ticked off but now it takes just one wrong word from the ex and I Hulk right out. That's why this emptiness is such a relief. Instead of feeling like my insides are burning up I feel cool and at peace. Please universe, let it last! I'm hoping through meditation and hard exercise I can release some of this anger and get it under control so I'll stop scaring children and old people with the scowl that's been almost permanently glued to my face for the last 2-3 days. I'm going to stick with NC for now like my life depends on it. Or at least my ex's does lol. Once I can think about him and not flatten a city block with just the power of my wrath I'll consider reopening communication. Till then, I can't worry about him or how he feels. I have to worry about me now. I'm still healing. Link to comment
vertigoxo Posted June 3, 2013 Share Posted June 3, 2013 I find that the more I try to distract myself, like going outside with friends and family, the better I feel. It's the best medicine for pain, I find. You gotta distract yourself. Link to comment
hopelessincan Posted June 3, 2013 Share Posted June 3, 2013 numb, drained, given up, exhausted. Thank you for starting this thread. Saddened reading everyone else's posts. Replaying the last three years in my head. Forcing him to tell me what I already knew was coming. Angry with him telling me how he tried, how hard he tried. But knowing that he didn't try how I needed him to, and knowing that I didn't do what he wanted either. So disappointed with how perfect we were for each other, yet letting one thing get in our way, and him not trusting that we would get past it. Proud of myself for not calling him for 6 days, but mad that he hasn't either. But I know he needs time. Embarrassed for asking him to give us a real fighting chance, and hearing him agree that we were supposed to make it and be together forever. Confused that he spent the night with me, and had a hard time leaving in the morning. Knowing I will hear from him again and afraid that I will have no backbone. Just numb. Link to comment
Ne Moe Posted June 3, 2013 Share Posted June 3, 2013 Today I am confused. I went out last night, full of hope of moving on. Went to a friends house and it was all couples bar me. I felt so lonely. They were all lovely and inclusive but I was a bit of a spare part. Then we were meant to go out to the local bar but the couples all decided to stay put as they were happy out in the house. I walked home and had to walk through town. I didn't see my ex but he saw me. He sent a text asking if I was ok. I said I was but if he was worried about me walking home alone, he could always walk me home. He declined. I got mad, ranted a bit back at him that he should leave me alone and that he was using me for company and ego boosts. I was a bit mean. He didn't answer. This morning I apologised for being horrible when he was just trying to be nice. I told him I was going to leave him alone because I didn't want it to get to a point where we hated each other, he has been nothing but kind to me, even though he ended the relationship, and me being horrible was uncalled for. He replied saying it was ok, he understands and he'll call in during the week.................... Totally confuuuuuuused....... Link to comment
Tanzi Posted June 3, 2013 Share Posted June 3, 2013 Aaaw Ne Moe, I'm sorry your evening didn't turn out the way you hoped. Life has a horrible habit of catching us out like that and what a shame your ex had to see you too. I remember going out with a friend and her bf when I had recently broken up with someone ..... we were meeting up with some other of her friends apparently. However, they were all couples. They were all so happy and loved up and there I was trying my hardest not to cry. My friend's bf kept looking at me and making faces as if to say "come on smile". I WAS trying but it was so damn hard. He kept saying it and by the end of the night I just wanted to clout him one! I went home so much more depressed than I went out vowing never to go out again. ' I did, of course, and it wasn't always like that night. In fact a few weeks later when we all went out again (just the ladies this time), one particularly girl who had been out the week before and was seemingly all "loved up" with her boyfriend was in floods of tears. She then disappeared to the toilets and I never saw her again all evening. When I asked my friend what had happened she told me that her boyfriend had just ended things with her. Only a couple of weeks before they were all loved up and watching them had been like a knife slicing through my heart, two weeks later she was in the same position as me. She had been so happy only a few weeks before .... and it made me realise ..... nothing is as it seems. Now when I see couples all loved up and happy it really doesn't affect me. Anyway, try to put the events of last night behind you, it wont always be like that .... don't be too hard on yourself as regards your ex either. He caught you off-guard at a vulnerable time. They have a habit of doing that. At least you have learnt a valuable lesson there. Link to comment
surfjon Posted June 3, 2013 Share Posted June 3, 2013 I just hate Mondays..... Worst day of the week for me. I have to drive by her house every damn time I go to the marina to run the boat, I try not to look and most times I don't, but did this past weekend and it didn't bother me this time, maybe thats a good sign! Often lately, I don't realize it until after I've passed, and sometimes I don't notice at all..... Hoping for when I don't even think about it anymore...... Link to comment
mbee Posted June 3, 2013 Share Posted June 3, 2013 We have been broken up for 3 months and you're right, there have been constant disappointments over those 3 months. I only have myself to blame though because I too know we can't be together - no matter how we feel about each other - but when I hear him say certain things, I allow myself to hope otherwise. It's my own fault! I know exactly what you mean. I'm so sorry and it is our faults but it's an easy trap to fall into. We love that person. As you know my ex and I broke up for very different reasons than you, but yesterday he started sending me messages about wanting to change. Honestly, I feel like sometimes posting in this thread was like a wish fountain. The first time I said I wish he would just come by, and he technically did at my job. And yesterday, I so badly wished to hear from him and hear that he wants to change and to cut things off with this woman even though I know that love and life don't work so quickly. Well he did send me that message yesterday. They needed time and space apart, he was more vividly aware of how much he's hurt me and put me through agony, how he lost his best friend, etc. At first it made me happy. I knew it wasn't totally sincere and too soon but it was nice hearing those words. Then last night I felt anxious. He didn't call me or send me a followup message. He just left me with something that says this..."I've been thinking about your question tonight. I want to write you tomorrow and tell you more. It is a priority. I lost my best friend, my closest person in the world over the last two years. I miss having you in my life. I have to get up early, but I'll write more tomorrow. You can count on it." The question I had asked him is what are his true intentions with talking to me. I can't be friends, we can't get back together, so what is it you know? I made it clear we can never be friends cause I'm in love with him, it will take time and space. I made it clear we can't be in a relationship again, that will take years. I made it clear that talking to him will only help him with his guilt but will only hurt me further. I made it clear that as long as the other woman is in his life, we can never be anything. It was so hard this morning. He had to leave to drive back to his hometown which is 12 hours away. He's a professor and likes to spend the summer with his family and old friends. If we were together he would have been here for most of the summer. I know the message wasn't about sex since he didn't try to see me or even suggest it, and the next time he'll be back is August. I didn't wake up crying this morning but I woke up feeling so anxious and nervous. He never messaged me back. I did try to call him once and I know he hung up on me. He never usually does it but he had to get up at 6am, I called around midnight and I think he didn't want to deal with that conversation. It doesn't make it right, but reminded me of how things still haven't changed... I'm going back to not contacting him again. It was hard cause I wanted to hear him out. But it sounds like he's not ready and it's too soon, he doesn't even know what he wants or if he even wants me. It's something that is so hard for me to understand. Not knowing what you want. Not understanding how a connection with another woman could make him so doubtful and cause him to act so crazy and reckless. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted June 3, 2013 Share Posted June 3, 2013 They needed time and space apart, he was more vividly aware of how much he's hurt me and put me through agony, how he lost his best friend, etc. At first it made me happy. I knew it wasn't totally sincere and too soon but it was nice hearing those words. Then last night I felt anxious. Wow, that's a turnaround but his behaviour is very "hot and cold". I would step right back from him because the last thing you want is this confused man sucking you in. I can relate to the anxious feeling, that was how I felt yesterday ... like I was waiting for something to happen ... it was an agonising wait. Link to comment
mbee Posted June 3, 2013 Share Posted June 3, 2013 Wow, that's a turnaround but his behaviour is very "hot and cold". I would step right back from him because the last thing you want is this confused man sucking you in. I can relate to the anxious feeling, that was how I felt yesterday ... like I was waiting for something to happen ... it was an agonising wait. Egh that agonizing feeling is the worst. I hope you are feeling better today and less anxious. No worries I'm not letting him suck me in. Later today I leave for a road trip and am meeting a friend in a couple of days. Being in the wilderness and around friends will let me step away from this situation for a few days and avoid talking to him for awhile. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted June 3, 2013 Share Posted June 3, 2013 Egh that agonizing feeling is the worst. I hope you are feeling better today and less anxious. No worries I'm not letting him suck me in. Later today I leave for a road trip and am meeting a friend in a couple of days. Being in the wilderness and around friends will let me step away from this situation for a few days and avoid talking to him for awhile. I'm feeling a tad better today but I have definitely taken a few steps backwards ... I'm more frustrated now than anything. I just feel so helpless. It's like you have no control over your own happiness or wellbeing and I'm just so tired of it all. I'm glad you that you're staying grounded as regards your ex. It seems you are facing this with the right attitude ... and getting away with friends will definitely be good for you. Link to comment
Looking up Posted June 3, 2013 Share Posted June 3, 2013 Today was good for me because I was really busy at work. It kept my mind of the ex. I think I went a few hrs at a time not thinking of her. But as soon as work was done. She popped right back in my head The drive home was complete mess. Cried all the way home. I made up for the usual crying I do through out the day all at once It really sucks that I let someone I'm not even with have so much control of my emotions Link to comment
surfjon Posted June 3, 2013 Share Posted June 3, 2013 A little.... You have all the control. Nobody else but you babe! Trick is how you regain it. Only by accepting she's gone and that I have a future and will love again and have myriad adventures that will unfold in time was I able to regain control she stole ....No! Wrong! Control I relinquished....gave her freely (wrongly). Life lessons learned big time! I will always have my hands..and my hands only, on the wheel! Link to comment
Tanzi Posted June 3, 2013 Share Posted June 3, 2013 A little.... You have all the control. Nobody else but you babe! Trick is how you regain it. Only by accepting she's gone and that I have a future and will love again and have myriad adventures that will unfold in time was I able to regain control she stole ....No! Wrong! Control I relinquished....gave her freely (wrongly). Life lessons learned big time! I will always have my hands..and my hands only, on the wheel! I totally get that... for the most part I have been in control. I've been focused on a future without him, making lots of plans, even made some new friends .... but, all it took was a few little words from him and I lost that control ... or that is what it felt like. Mostly I'm back on track now but I lost my focus for a while there. My hands are firmly back on the wheel! Link to comment
lorelaijones Posted June 3, 2013 Share Posted June 3, 2013 anxious... thinking about sending him something but after thinking a little, realizing i should not... Link to comment
doingitmyway Posted June 4, 2013 Share Posted June 4, 2013 I feel alright. Getting sick of her making sex jokes at me. Yesterday she started nibbling on me, but took the huff if I make an innuendo retaliation to one of her comments. I've decided this ends this weekend. I go back to the flat we live at for uni Friday, and it'll be just us there. She can either **** me or stop ****ing with my head. I know how I feel about her now. She has no respect for me, and I'd never take her back (doesn't mean I'm against some casual fun, being nothing short of a shameful opportunist these days). If she gets mad at me for asking, I'll point out she did the same thing to me when I tried saving a previous relationship a few months before we even dated. Girl's mental yo. Link to comment
Heartbreakcity Posted June 4, 2013 Share Posted June 4, 2013 After about 5 days of what seemed like hell, I am finally starting to feel good again!! Link to comment
Looking up Posted June 4, 2013 Share Posted June 4, 2013 Waves of sadness and crying off and on this morning. Can't seem to get over how much I miss them. The hope is still there. I don't like this feeling of being apart. It seems so wrong to me. Link to comment
surfjon Posted June 4, 2013 Share Posted June 4, 2013 After 4 weeks of nothing.....I had sent the last text, just saying that I understood when in January, when she "needed a break", that I had done all I could, and realized and accepted her decision, and I had killed all hope and would never contact her again.... And I stuck to that, but it felt "unfinished", so when she texted me yesterday with that final guilty dumper text "Hi, How are you doing? I really hope we can be friendly" Blah, Blah, Blah,........, Although I hated even seeing her name or her words, I felt a peaceful calm come over me, like she was now the one who would get no final response, the one who could now wonder about me and had I moved on and how...... I gotta admit, I still miss the girl she was in the beginning, but she had vanished 2 years ago, and I gotta now kill the memorys now that I've successfully killed any hope...... I had a funeral last nite, took pictures of her and us, clothes she'd given me, notes she wrote, mementos.... all outside to my fire pit...made a big strong drink and burned it all.......... Link to comment
Heartbreakcity Posted June 4, 2013 Share Posted June 4, 2013 I am so proud of you Surfjon, you have taken a massive step Link to comment
mbee Posted June 4, 2013 Share Posted June 4, 2013 I'm feeling angry at myself, anxious and a little pissed off at fate. Every day seems like some type of episode from a soap opera lol. I went over the details in another post but my car broke down entirely while driving and at the same moment my ex sent me a text that just threw me for a loop. His text was about him feeling very stressed about the pressure I'm putting on him and how he loves me but this is all so unfair. He's referring to me needing to move on and for him to address what he thinks he can do to fix this. He knows I have no reason to talk to him after this conversation and he is freaking out. I was very vulnerable and texted him about my car breaking down since this happened the moment he texted me. We have been on so many road trips together, he's driven my car 50000 miles, and we have never once had the car breakdown. The one road trip without him, it broke down. He talked me through it, helped me, assisted me, texted me all night. I was a few hours outside of my home and the tow truck was taking a couple of hours, it was late at night. So we talked, then when I got to a hotel, he called me and we talked for 40 minutes egh. I just felt vulnerable and my ex is someone I always talked to about this. It's hard to trust anything he says, but he said he didn't want to talk about the situation with me until today. I think now that the other woman left he's finally hurting. He kept saying how scared he is of the future, how his life is a mess, and he says my questions and the pressure I'm giving him is causing him to have an emotional breakdown. He knows I'm gone if he says or does the wrong thing so he's trying to delay the conversation. That's what he says at least. I asked him to let me go, give him space for a couple of months and he says he can't. He wouldn't go into details. He's supposed to call today to go over it. egh I don't know what I'm doing. Anyway, I'm feeling anxious, emotional and super stressed. I hope my car is a quick fix so I can get back to what was supposed to be my escape from the drama and I'm just tired of crying all the time and feeling like everyday is just one other thing to freak out about. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted June 4, 2013 Share Posted June 4, 2013 I'm feeling angry at myself, anxious and a little pissed off at fate. Every day seems like some type of episode from a soap opera lol. I went over the details in another post but my car broke down entirely while driving and at the same moment my ex sent me a text that just threw me for a loop. His text was about him feeling very stressed about the pressure I'm putting on him and how he loves me but this is all so unfair. He's referring to me needing to move on and for him to address what he thinks he can do to fix this. He knows I have no reason to talk to him after this conversation and he is freaking out. I was very vulnerable and texted him about my car breaking down Oh doesn't stuff like this just have to happen!! Don't be so hard on yourself. As I said in another post, our ex's have a habit of turning up when we are vulnerable! Do you know who called the situation off between him and the OW? I hope you can get your car back on the road soon so that you can carry on with the rest of your trip! Link to comment
Tanzi Posted June 4, 2013 Share Posted June 4, 2013 In denial. I'm not refocused at all. I have, in fact, missed my ex more in the last few days than at any other time during our BU. It's the sunny weather. I wish it would rain! Link to comment
mbee Posted June 4, 2013 Share Posted June 4, 2013 In denial. I'm not refocused at all. I have, in fact, missed my ex more in the last few days than at any other time during our BU. It's the sunny weather. I wish it would rain! I know what you mean. Stay strong a-little-blue! Emotional pain is the worse, the absolute worse feeling of all. I'm not sure who called the situation off. He says both of them did but honestly I don't know. He said the whole last week they were there near my home, he was like constantly sad since everything reminded him of our relationship and she saw that and realized they both need time to get over their exes. Again, I will never really know. Link to comment
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