Complaining wife

[someguy69]

Just wanted to get a female point of view on this.

 

So after Easter dinner last night, while I was putting my daughter to bed, my mother was cleaning up in the kitchen and putting food away (I had already loaded the dishwasher).

 

My wife was sitting with her brother and friends on the couch, and actually snickering about why my mother was cleaning her kitchen.

 

So today, while I'm at work, I am getting *****y texts all day from my wife complaining about how my mother had mixed my wife's vegetarian food items into a dish of scalloped potatoes that had bacon in it, thereby ruining them for her (my wife is a vegetarian).

 

Literally about ten text messages about it over the course of the day.

 

From my point of view, my wife shouldn't have left my mother to clean-up/put away all the food by herself if she wanted to make sure it was done right. I would have made sure myself if I hadn't been busy getting my daughter ready for and into bed.

[agent1607307371]

If you want it done right, you have to do it yourself.

 

 

But your mum shouldn't have been cleaning your kitchen. She's a guest.

[pl3asehelp]

Sounds ungrateful, immature, and spiteful. I treat family like family and would've thankful for any help around the house they're willing to give.

[HeatherB]

She's your wife. She gets first dibs on your loyalty, not mom. A wise response would have been to empathize with her immediately. "I'm so sorry your food got ruined! That sucks! We can go grocery shopping again tonight to make sure you have everything you need. Are you hungry now?" See? No attacking your mom necessary to show loyalty to your wife. If you'd done this, you would not have gotten nine more texts on the subject.

[Capricorn3]

Sounds ungrateful, immature, and spiteful. I treat family like family and would've thankful for any help around the house they're willing to give.

I second this post. If your wife didn't want others "interfering" with her way of storing different foods, then she should have got up and helped clean her own kitchen (imo).

[journeynow]

Just wanted to get a female point of view on this.

 

I'm female, and also can't eat certain things, I think she's behaving very poorly. I agree with you, she could have lent a hand, and she should not be complaining to anyone. If she says anything more, I'd tell her you didn't do it, it's too bad she can't eat her leftovers, and it's time to change the subject. (And change the subject.)

[ayami]

Storm in a teacup. Just agree with her and move on.

[someguy69]

I didn't take sides. I did empathize with her, although perhaps not enough for her liking. She's still going on and on about it, and accusing my mother of doing it on purpose. Instead of lending a hand, she was poking fun of my mother with her brother.

[HeatherB]

I don't get why all this advice is telling him to act harsh and uncaring to his wife. How does that help them bond and have a strong marriage? Accidents happen all the time. Little things upset us. We're supposed to be there for each other, in thick and thin. He's supposed to abandon her emotionally over what seem to him to be pointless and overblown complaints? Holy cats, that happens all the time! Half the time I don't have the slightest clue why whatever my husband is grumbling about is important to him. I still decide to care.

 

I respect all the advice givers here, but on this one I can't relate to the advice at all. It seems punitive and pointless to me.

[wilyone 11]

Ugh, I feel bad for you. She should be grateful that your mom helped out at all. And to send 10 texts to you complaining about it is pretty horrific. Very disrespectful. I would take her to couples counseling to learn relationship skills....

[ayami]

I didn't take sides. I did empathize with her, although perhaps not enough for her liking. She's still going on and on about it, and accusing my mother of doing it on purpose. Instead of lending a hand, she was poking fun of my mother with her brother.

 

Then the joke was on her! Meal times must be hell with a veggie in the family. She sounds a spoilt madam. You need to talk to her about this and tell her she is in the wrong.

[camus154]

I don't get why all this advice is telling him to act harsh and uncaring to his wife. How does that help them bond and have a strong marriage? Accidents happen all the time. Little things upset us. We're supposed to be there for each other, in thick and thin. He's supposed to abandon her emotionally over what seem to him to be pointless and overblown complaints? Holy cats, that happens all the time! Half the time I don't have the slightest clue why whatever my husband is grumbling about is important to him. I still decide to care.

 

I understand your point about being supportive, but there's a difference between having your partner's back and catering to their overblown sense of entitlement, which is what I suspect is the case here. She's upset because her mother in law committed the atrocity of allowing her vegetarian food to contact bacon while she sat on her butt in the living room, watching her clean her own kitchen? And then she wants to blow up the OP's phone about it the next day? I think she needs an old fashioned reality check rather than support.

[HeatherB]

I understand your point about being supportive, but there's a difference between having your partner's back and catering to their overblown sense of entitlement, which is what I suspect is the case here. She's upset because her mother in law committed the atrocity of allowing her vegetarian food to contact bacon while she sat on her butt in the living room, watching her clean her own kitchen? And then she wants to blow up the OP's phone about it the next day? I think she needs an old fashioned reality check rather than support.

 

I think there was an underlying tension between the wife and the mother already. Of which the OP was aware. Separating oneself and making jokes don't happen out of nowhere. Unless you're a bad person with bad intent. I'm assuming the wife is lucid and not psychotic or fundamentally immoral or anti family, suddenly flying off the handle about the mom out of nowhere.

 

For someone to give a reality check, they better be darn certain their version of reality is the only correct one. Otherwise, it just comes accross as arguing.

 

I am not about to try to take on a whole bunch of people who disagree with me. Debating stresses me out and actually makes me sad. My dad used to try to debate me when I was as young as three. I couldn't cope then, and I've learned not to bother, especially online. I'm just lodging my opinion in the middle of everyone else's, and that will have to be enough.

[journeynow]

I don't get why all this advice is telling him to act harsh and uncaring to his wife. How does that help them bond and have a strong marriage? Accidents happen all the time. Little things upset us. We're supposed to be there for each other, in thick and thin. He's supposed to abandon her emotionally over what seem to him to be pointless and overblown complaints? Holy cats, that happens all the time! Half the time I don't have the slightest clue why whatever my husband is grumbling about is important to him. I still decide to care.

 

I respect all the advice givers here, but on this one I can't relate to the advice at all. It seems punitive and pointless to me.

 

I think his wife is over-the-top complaining, which seems a bit pointless in itself. It could be his mother heard his wife snickering about her cleaning up and knowingly mixed the leftovers out of spite, or maybe it was an innocent mistake. Either way, there's no point in complaining about it now and putting him in the middle. When it comes to in-laws, over looking minor incidents goes a long way in building better long-term relationships.

[DN]

Your wife sounds like a spoiled and ungrateful brat, and as such she doesn't deserve support simply because she is your wife. She should of got up off her duff and helped instead of making snide remarks and complaints. Suggesting your mother did it on purpose is childish.

[HeartGoesOn]

My wife was sitting with her brother and friends on the couch, and actually snickering about why my mother was cleaning her kitchen.

 

Your mother was being polite and acting like an adult, your wife was acting like a child. Shame on her for showing such little respect for your mother, who was only trying to be helpful.

[Ms Darcy]

I *can* be particular about the way I like my kitchen cleaned. So can my bf.

 

Out of respect for each other, we clean depending on whose home we are in. If we are not sure, we ask.

 

I think if I was your wife I would make it clear to your mom that while the gesture is appreciated, she does not need to clean. Maybe she (your wife) was tired after dinner. I need a few hours before I am ready to clean up after dinner.

 

In the future, this may just mean gently asking mom not to clean anymore.

[kitkat620]

Instead of snickering and making fun of your mother while she was cleaning up, she should have been a grateful host and gently told your mom not to worry about cleaning up that she would do it herself later on. Then she should have told your mother to sit down and poured her a cup of coffee or maybe a glass of wine.

She KNEW that there was vegan food put out with the regular meal and assuming your mom isn't vegan, how would she know what goes with what?!

[Moontiger]

Sounds ungrateful, immature, and spiteful. I treat family like family and would've thankful for any help around the house they're willing to give.

 

Ditto. To sit on her butt with friends and laugh about how her mother-in-law a guest in her home, is doing most of the cleaning for what sounds like a sizable meal and then complain in a nasty way about how one thing wasn't done right is just rude, classless, and immature.

 

I would tell your wife, "Well, I guess next time you should do the cleaning to make sure no mistakes are made. Or at least help out a bit."

[onelittleladybug]

I have the feeling there is a lot more to this story than told here, and I definitely think that this is one of those scenarios where you have to hear the other persons side (the wife's) to really know whats going on. It's always a lot easier to handle your own mom than someone else's, even when that someone else is your spouse.

[DN]

Moderator Note: on ENA, We can only ever give advice based on what members say, and it is better to be respectful and not imply that another member is being less than truthful.

[Mercurial Girl]

Maybe it was mom's way of flipping wifey the bird after overhearing her snickering over the fact that she's a super rude hostess!! Wouldn't blame her.

[onelittleladybug]

DN I was in no way implying that the OP was not being truthful. I just wanted to make the point that there are more than one side to every story. I meant no disrespect, I apologize if I in any way came accross that way. It was not my intention. But since you brought this up can you please explain something for me because this is a bit confusing for me to be honest: Here on ENA are we only supposed to be respectful to the other forum members, and not to third parties being discussed on an open forum and in public?

[superfan]

I have to agree with the others on here that have said the OP's wife has behaved very childishly and not to mention passive aggressively.

 

Heather B while I respect your opinion on this, I think it is important to look at the facts (as we know them) objectively.

 

After dinner, wife sat on the couch, making snide remarks about her mother in law while she cleaned up after a family meal. If she was so particular about how the food was stored, she COULD have done it herself - nay, she SHOULD have done it herself regardless of any particular food preferences because her mother in law is a GUEST. Allowing her to clean while you sit on your butt is poor guest etiquette. The OP did his part - loading the dishwasher and getting the kids to bed, so where is the wife's sense of responsibility or good hostess skills? Allowing someone else who doesn't live in the house to do the clean up is just plain RUDE no question about it.

 

Add to that the fact that she then proceeds to blow up the OP's phone the next day with complaints about the job HIS mother did in the kitchen is beyond spiteful not to mention passive aggressive, petty and immature. I have some special food needs as well, but if somebody else takes the time to help out and messes something up, while I might be a bit frustrated, I am certainly not going to complain about it. They were only trying to help.

 

It sounds like there are underlying resentment issues with the mother in law, not to mention communication problems.

 

The appropriate way to handle this would have been for the wife to call the mother in law and THANK her for helping out, and maybe casually point out that she is a vegetarian so she can't have her food stored in the same container. Of course, in my opinion that conversation should never have been necessary because the mother in law should never have been cleaning the kitchen to begin with.

 

OP, I would simply tell your wife that you are not the middle man. Either she needs to call your mother and express her opinion (if it bothers her so much) or shut up about it, as she cleaned the kitchen as a FAVOUR and her ingratitude is beyond unattractive.

[DN]

DN I was in no way implying that the OP was not being truthful. I just wanted to make the point that there are more than one side to every story. I meant no disrespect, I apologize if I in any way came accross that way. It was not my intention. But since you brought this up can you please explain something for me because this is a bit confusing for me to be honest: Here on ENA are we only supposed to be respectful to the other forum members, and not to third parties being discussed on an open forum and in public?

Because the 'third party' isn't reading it. Even then we do not allow disrespect to third parties based on race, gender, ethnicity etc, nor do we allow the use of unacceptable words.

 

Yes, it is possible that a third party would read what is written about them but we don't think it necessary to go that far, the chances are minor compared to the near certainty that disrespect to someone who has posted on a thread will be seen by them.