How to cope with clingy and jealous boyfriend?

[PrettyGood]

My previous boyfriends were very independent, had no time for me and always called me clingy. Then I met a guy (living in a nearby city) whose past relations were just like mine and we started dating. First 3 months looked like a fairytale: he spend all of his time with me, made me the most tasty and romantic dinners, I was unemployed student, so he bought me everything I wanted, he didn't let me pay a dime, he was a perfect kisser and lover.

 

Now it's the 4th month when I opened my eyes and saw what's missing: when I am at his home for weekends, he never brings his single friends to visit us. He goes to have a short talk with them outside. He stopped taking me out to dine in the city and when we walk around in the park where there are a lot of people, he is constantly asking when do I want to end this public walking. Sometimes we watch film together and I say "Wow, that cute actor was my dream man when I was a teenager" and he freaks out because he believes that I can really meet him in my future and break up. Now I have a week of holidays to prepare for exams. He asked to come to do it at his place and I did. But when I type my thesis, he is sitting next to me with a depressed mood and complains that I don't have time to embrace him, to watch tv or to make love with him. And when I finish writing, he starts silent-treatment. I have nothing to hide, so I always gave him my smart phone to play games and once he checked my photo gallery. He found a lot of photos of my male friends (only platonic friends!) and me together and asked to delete them all by causing jealousy scene that I was dating them all. Another time he checked my FB email and started jealousy scene about my childhood male friend (also platonic!) and when I resisted to delete him from my contacts I had to listen his silent treatment for hours again. So that time I started locking my computer and now he's causing jealousy scenes about it too (I don't want him to ask to delete all my computer photo gallery). He doesn't have his own interests or hobbies. Sometimes he plays basketball with friends and I could watch how he is playing, but then he always rejects them. I have a pet and he hates when I start talking to him in a lovely manner. When I am driving, he's leaning over and clutching to my arm. When we are in public place (public library, university) where some adult people may know me very well, he suddenly feels the need to start kissing in public and when I push him away, asking to stop, he gets irritated that I avoid to show that we are together. 2 months after we met he started asking if we could get marry and have children. I have told him that I am gonna work as a professional translator and I am gonna travel around the world sometimes, then he got upset saying "I know you would took me together, but couldn't you just work from my house, not going to any translation agencies and not travelling anywhere?"

 

When I am at home, I go to meet my friends and he gets upset if I can't say the exact time when I'm gonna be at home. Then he says "Ok, then I'm meeting my friends for a drink" but even being with them he keeps calling and texting me with questions "What are you doing?"

 

How to cope with this clinginess? I want to have a week off without being next to him, but then he says "If you go home for such a long time, you may not return here ever." It really drives me crazy?

[pinkelephant]

he is crrrrraaazzy. Get out while you still can. You might need a restraining order. Oh my.

[hodgeheg]

This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship at all.

 

Have you tried talking to him about wanting time for yourself? By the sounds of it he'd probably just get angry if you did.

 

I think you should leave him, his behaviour is only going to get worse and it is already unacceptable.

[leegmoser]

A clingy boyfriend can create unnecessary problems in a relationship. Clingy guys call constantly, become jealous easily and try to prevent you from spending time with your friends. As a result you can feel extremely frustrated, and often a clingy boyfriend's behaviour will cause you to push him away further. However, there are ways to address the problem without abandoning your relationship altogether.

[nutbrownhare]

After you've been in a few relationships where you were working very hard to keep things together while the other person didn't seem to care, it's very easy to get sucked in to this kind of thing. To begin with, it's like a breath of fresh air, not having to second guess the other person's feelings for you, and all that.

 

However, the behaviours your fella is exhibiting are nothing to do with love - they are about control. Love involves trust and caring - not insisting that friends are eradicated from your computer, and then sulking when they aren't. In the early days you were dependent on him, and that would have been heady stuff for this kind of guy.

 

You need to get away from him, and fast. Abusers start by being very attentive, pushing for commitment very early - too early - in a relationship. Then they isolate you from friends and family, and any other source of emotional support; once they are secure in your attachment, the abuse really starts. The only sign of this so far has been the emotionally manipulative silent treatment, but this is not likely to get better.

 

His statement "If you go home for such a long time, you may not return here ever" is manipulative in that it will (a) 'justify' his clinging on to you and (b) is designed to engender guilt within you for a perfectly reasonable request.

 

Frankly, I wouldn't worry too much about proving him correct. This type of relationship will steal your soul if you let it!

 

Good luck!

[agent1607307371]

This doesn't sound healthy. Policing you when you are with your friends, silent treatment, being jealous of a pet... Not healthy at all. nutbrownhare's post is very good.

 

What does he say when you tell him he is too full on?

[PrettyGood]

Have you tried talking to him about wanting time for yourself?

 

Yes, I had several times, saying "Maybe you don't need so much time for yourself as I do, but I really need MY TIME." He got offended, saying that it's the same as saying "I don't care about you and I don't need you sometimes," because he has enough HIS TIME when he is at work or with his friends and the rest of the time he wants to spend with me only.

 

What does he say when you tell him he is too full on?

 

He says that he will never change about it and it made me feel guilty because he said "In the beginning I saw you as a person who needs the same amount of attention and you had the same sex drive level, but now it seems we are very different." He never says what he wants to do about it, but makes the question vice versus "What do you want to do about that? Don't give me questions when I asked you first."

 

However, there are ways to address the problem without abandoning your relationship altogether.

 

Like what? Can you please give me some examples? I'm gonna return home this weekend and "pretend" very busy for the next 1-2 weeks because my exams are coming and also I want to spend time with my family, friends and have a rest from him, but I don't think that he will not make a big deal out of it when he finds out that I'm not coming as usual every weekend to visit him.

[agent1607307371]

Honestly, I would break up with him. For the sake of your school work. The most important thing to look at here is when you've talked to him about it, he's dismissed your concerns and made you feel bad for having them.

 

 

I'm gonna return home this weekend and "pretend" very busy for the next 1-2 weeks because my exams are coming and also I want to spend time with my family, friends and have a rest from him

You shouldn't have to hide from your boyfriend to have a life.

[lavenderdove]

>>He doesn't have his own interests or hobbies.

 

That is a lot of your problem. He has a giant black hole of need inside him that he is expecting you to fill. It is really great to be loved and to have someone pay attention to you, but truly upsetting and scary when someone gets obsessed with you and tries to control your every move and thought and guards you like you're his own personal private possession.

 

If you're an educated and independent woman who wants to travel the world as a translator, this guy is NOT for you. He might be OK wiht a more quiet and docile woman who wanted to be a stay at home homemaker and didn't care to be really independent, but that's not you. I'd let him go and find a guy who is more similar to you in terms of his indepedence level.

[Ms Darcy]

I think when you are clingy yourself you can risk dating someone just as clingy or clingier.

[LonelyGirl10]

After you've been in a few relationships where you were working very hard to keep things together while the other person didn't seem to care, it's very easy to get sucked in to this kind of thing. To begin with, it's like a breath of fresh air, not having to second guess the other person's feelings for you, and all that.

 

Yup, completely agree with this. In previous relationships, I was always the jealous one and clingy and insecure. Then I met a guy who was just like me, and it was so awesome. I loved that he was more jealous than me. Loved it. For about 6 months. Then he started asking me to take down pictures of me in bars with female friends, and any picture of me with a guy (even if the guy was married!). Then he went through my email. I was constantly reassuring him. It quickly became annoying.

 

My advice is to try to talk to him about how you're feeling. Create a safe zone, and talk without arguing. Give it a fair chance. If he doesn't change, then leave. It will probably only get worse.

[Batya33]

It sounds like you are confusing his attention for caring about you and loving you. This is about him and his self-absorption and his neediness. Until you can understand -deep inside- that his sort of attention is not healthy attention you'll stay. Part of you likes how "protective" he is and part of you likes that you can tell yourself and others "oh he doesn't let me_____" -it gives you an excuse not to make your own decisions. I have a friend in a new marriage -she is almost 50 - who tells me she can't travel an hour to the city she is from to see her friends because her husband doesn't like to drive in that city and he doesn't want to spend the $ for bus fare. She complains a bit about losing touch with her friends but I can also tell that part of her finds it masculine that he lays down the law. You have to find a balance and you have to be honest with yourself about what benefits or pleasure you get out of his way of controlling you.

 

I'm married and we don't check each other's email or phone or facebook -I don't know his passwords, he doesn't know mine -because I don't think we've ever asked for them. I would in an emergency or offer mine if I needed him to check my email but I have no idea why being in a relationship means sharing every part of your personal/private life.

[PrettyGood]

He is at work now and for approximately half of the day I haven't been contacting him, just enjoying my time at his house. So now he called me and asked why I haven't contacted him lately, if I haven't missed him since he left to work. I just couldn't bear it any longer and poured him my heart and thoughts on the phone - basically told him everything I've been thinking and that I don't have time to miss him, because I don't have my time. Also I told him that it should be vice versus - he goes to work and I miss him, but now the situation is different - he goes to work and I think "Omg, how good is it that I'm finally alone." I also told him I want to spend my next week with my family and friends without coming to visit him because I don't know what is to feel lonely or miss one each other when he's always contacting me or being next to me every second. He just asked, for how long do I need this personal time without him and how often will it happen? I think he doesn't understand that all people need their personal time from time to time. Maybe he keeps thinking that it's my psychological issue and that it should end someday soon.

 

There was a long silence gap after all I said. He said he will talk to me tomorrow after thinking of all I've said and he will let me to be with my family and friends next week, but it it lasts longer than 2 weeks like that, then he's done. 30 minutes later I've got an sms message from him:

 

"Your words just torn me apart. I felt so rejected and irrelevant that I don't have words to describe it. After all I've heard I felt so empty inside, yet on the contrary than you - I WANT TO RETURN and cuddle with you."

 

I haven't replied to this message since I got it. Should I? And what should I write? I don't feel guilty for telling him the truth and asking for personal space. It just makes me sad that he's so hurt and sad.

[Batya33]

"he will let me to be with my family and friends next week"

 

Huh? "Let you?" Is he your father? He sounds manipulative and unstable. I would not continue to date him but again it sounds like part of you likes the controlling part and the drama -do you find it keeps things interesting?

 

I would not write anything. When you see or speak to him again simply tell him that you two don't have compatible ways of relating to each other - or even more simply "we don't have enough in common because we don't want the same things out of a relationship"

[nutbrownhare]

Don't reply. What is there to say?

 

You'll likely get a lot of guilt tripping from him, but just let this float gently past on the breeze. Your decision to spend time with family and friends is a completely reasonable one and you should not have to ask his permission. Threatening to end the relationship is just manipulative and controlling - though if he does, let him.

[itsallgrand]

Like they say, it takes two to tango. Enjoying time at his house, and giving him all this to listen to and deal with while he is at work, was not the best way to do it, IMO. It only feeds exactly what this kind of guy is used to, you are playing right into the dynamic. High drama and lack of consideration for the other person as a separate entity.

 

Why not just go home, go about your day, and forget about it for now then? You've said what you wanted to say. You've told him you needed some time to yourself. So take it. And think about things.

 

Like why you would say things like "he will let me be with my friends and family". Huh? If you choose to isolate yourself and allow him to control you, that is your responsibility.

 

This is about you, not him. How he is treating you is either acceptable to you or not. There is no talking to someone's paranoid insecurities - especially when they say things like "it's never going to change".

[PrettyGood]

I replied asking if I should pack my stuff (there's a lot of heavy bags and my pet in a cage, I can't carry on my own) and ask my parents to drive me home or should I wait till he returns from work tomorrow and he will drive me home with his friend just like I came here. He replied:

 

"I don't want you to leave till the end of the weekend, because I ALREADY MISSED YOU since I went to work, but why am I writing it to you if you can't understand any of what I say? Don't leave till tomorrow. Tomorrow I will organize who can pick and drive you home."

 

Now he sounds hurt and angry. We've planned a party with his friends (who have significant others) on Friday. I even brought my beautiful dress for this occasion and it seemed that this party should make me feel better by being between more people. But now it seems that the party will be without me, he will talk to them what kind of B... I am and now it makes me feel guilty. Besides that he posted on FB a huge wallpaper who says "Maybe I am just too F. complicated for anyone to love me?" What the hell?

[Batya33]

Once again I think part of you is thriving on the drama. You're an adult -you figure out how to get your stuff and yourself home - suggesting to him that you'll wait till tomorrow is just inviting more drama. As far as the party - big deal -it's a party. You can wear the dress another time. If he is posting inappropriate messages on facebook then unfriend him. That's the simple part -the harder part is whether you're going to choose to see this relationship as so unhealthy that all that you posted are just minor inconveniences by comparison as opposed to excuses for you to dwell on the inconvenience rather than the reality of the unhealthy relationship. Your choice.

[nutbrownhare]

His friends will either have a handle on the way he is (which would likely scare off most people) and will just humour him, or they'll be all sympathetic - and they don't know you anyway.

 

Either way, who cares?

 

Nobody can MAKE you feel anything, and worrying about what he might say to people who aren't part of your social circle is no reason for continuing in a relationship which will ultimately smother you.

[lavenderdove]

>>Your words just torn me apart. I felt so rejected and irrelevant that I don't have words to describe it. After all I've heard I felt so empty inside, yet on the contrary than you - I WANT TO RETURN and cuddle with you."

 

Blecck.... you've got a giant man-baby on your hands there... any time someone talks about wanting to return and cuddle with you after you've had an adult talk where you discussed the need to do other things besides focus on him, you've got a guy who has abandonment and infantile issues where he's really looking for a Mommy more than a partner. He's got a lot of emptiness inside that he expects to fill via having 'Mommy' constantly available to him.

 

Anyone who can't even go a day at work without talking to a partner has issues. You're adults, and you have work and other responsibilities in life other than dancing attendance on him every minute. He really does need therapy, and to recognize that this kind of clinging just isn't normal and needs professional attention. But he won't do that, he'll just flip you in his head from being a 'good Mommy' who is ever present filling his hollow spaces to a 'bad Mommy' who is abandoning him and not taking care of him emotionally.

 

I suggest you get your own friends and family and pack up and move out. He's a man-baby, so he will be very dramatic and make that departure drama ridden if you let him.

 

btw, re: his FB post, he's not too 'complicated' to be loved, he's too immature and self-obsessed. He's obviously not getting that his behavior is abnormal for a grown man and instead is casting himself as a poor misunderstood genius!

 

If you want to help him, on your way out be sure to tell him that it is normal for people to go an entire day at work without smothering each other and people survived fine for eons before the invention of cell phones to allow constant texting and tracking of your whereabouts. And that you won't be put on a leash and if he expects that to be normal he needs to get therapy. He probably won't 'hear' it, but he truly is a man-baby and does need to get help.