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Online Dating for the 2nd Time - A Journal


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Interested in your views on the different sites, particularly what you said about POF & Match.


I've tried Match, Match Affinity, POF and eHarmony. I've had I think one or two dates from POF, usually complete washouts. Match has yielded the most dates over the years. Match Affinity and eHarmony have lead to no meetings at all. I've signed up to OKCupid in the past but never actually given it much time.


How often are you sending out? I think perhaps I'm too conservative in attempting contact, perhaps 2-3 mails a week (and obviously with the success rate for most mail users, have very little return). I've pushed the boat out (for me at least) and sent no less than 8 mails this morning, see how that goes. At 32 I'm not quite into the more successful male quota you are, still on the wrong side of the fence down here.

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How often are you sending out? I think perhaps I'm too conservative in attempting contact, perhaps 2-3 mails a week (and obviously with the success rate for most mail users, have very little return).


I've tried to keep track of my messaging throughout this thread but I don't have an exact count. But I've been sending out bursts of 10-20 messages a few times a week, so I'm sure my total since December is close to 200 messages to new people.


Out of that, I've gone on dates with about 9 women, with 1 more this Sunday. So with an in-person meetup rate of only 5%, it really is all about messaging a huge number of people and hoping for the best.


However, it's important to note that I live in one of the biggest cities in the USA, which has done wonders for ANY success I've had.


When I tried online dating in the tri-city area of my mid-sized hometown, the search results were so small and dismal that I never even bothered contacting anyone, and cancelled my account after about 2 weeks.

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Surprisingly, though I didn't respond to JEANETTE's email from yesterday, I got another message from her this morning, firming up our plans for Saturday night. Good sign.


Since she's usually pretty lax in replying to my messages (1-2 days), I'm taking this as a lesson that sometimes it's a good idea to a) not always reply immediately and b) try to mirror your date's communication patterns. You may get better results if you don't seem so eager.


Note: though she wants to see the movie around 5pm and have dinner afterwards, I'm usually a dinner at 7pm, movie at 9pm guy. Any of ya'll have a preference?


As for CARMEN, I showed some of my coworkers some of her singing/hosting videos and described my interactions with her as I've outlined on this thread.


They all agreed that a) she's hot and b) she's crazy.



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I replied to JEANETTE to finalize plans for tomorrow, saying that if she was sick she should tell in the morning and we could postpone for another time. Again, surprisingly, she emailed back within 10 minutes and said our plan was good, she did indeed have a sore throat, but was going to sleep late tomorrow so she could get better. True, she may be trying to leave things open to flake out on me, but it truly sounds like she does have a cold and wants to go out if she's up for it.


I messaged CARMEN back with some plans for Sunday earlier this afternoon, but she has yet to read it.


Last night I also got a nice message back from KAY, who I saw as more of an activity partner rather than a romantic prospect (she's bi, is out of town a lot, doesn't want kids, etc.). She replied back as a friend, but indicated that she might be changing her opinion about having kids, which I say on my profile I want. I don't want to read anything into that, so I just sent a humorous reply about meeting up sometime if she's up for it.


Then right as I was leaving work I got a message from MARGOT (43), inviting me to a concert tonight. I had messaged her 3 days ago with no response, so this was a bit sudden but a nice surprise. I messaged her back quickly, saying I had plans but that I'd be in touch.

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I am guessing you live in either NYC or Boston.. no need to tell me if I'm right I live in the suburbs and I think if you're really going to get something from online dating, you need to live in a very populated city. I'm glad it's working for you, good job! I remember reading the original dating journal the first time around.

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Last night I received an OKC response from EVE (37), who was totally my type physically but didn't waste time in brushing me off: "Thanks for messaging me. Unfortunately I'm not a liberal. Have a great weekend!"


And JEANETTE cancelled today at 1pm, texting that her medicine had knocked her out, she'd just woken up, and she wasn't feeling normal. Fair enough. I texted her that I'd still like to take her out sometime soon and to let me know when she was better. I won't contact her further unless she initiates. FWIW, she hasn't logged onto OKC for 3 days.


But CARMEN confirmed for our dinner date tomorrow, and I'll let her email speak for itself as to why I think she's a little "off." Note: she is 42, not 22.


"Sounds awesome!! Sunday! (restaurant name)!? I love there margaritas! Lol!

You're so cool!!! Love it!!! I'll text u my addy!

Thxx so much ND40! I really like you're planning! I appreciate the effort.

Hey also (restaurant name) is accross the street they have yummy organic Margaritas. That might be yummy too.

I'm cool with what we got!"



Edited by NorthDallas40
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Hahahaha@ Carmen, she sounds like this girl I was friends with.

She would send me such off the wall texts just to tell me she was always running late.

I first liked her cause I felt she was very confident, but later on I realized she is a woman who acts like a diva cause she has self confidence issues.

One time we were meeting up with a group of friends and she came like 45 mins late.

That was the end of our friendship.

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Mirroring MARGOT's last-minute concert invite from Friday, on Saturday night I invited her to a movie starting only a few hours from when I messaged. She couldn't make it, but she did send a promising reply, so I'll probably contact her about a proper date later. Though to be honest, she's not really one of my top choices so my hopes aren't really that high on her.




Then yesterday morning I sent sent out 16 new OKC messages, 8 of which remain unopened. But I got 4 responses, none really worthwhile.


The most promising, CAL (43), immediately sent a couple of relatively lengthy replies that were interesting, then disappeared.


BELLA (40) and YOLANDA ( 38 ) sent perfunctory notes that didn't really leave openings for further conversation. Still, I messaged both anyway. YOLANDA politely made it clear she's not interested, and I just replied to BELLA now, who responded fully but not in a way that invited further conversation. To be honest, I'd prefer no response at all than these kind of polite but ambiguous messages.


Finally, SALLY (31) sent a polite rejection form letter, whose directness I did appreciate - it's nice to get a definite response even if it's not positive. But to be fair, I'm about 2 years out of her age range, and I only messaged her because she had been visiting my profile fairly frequently last week.




I've also been conversing with KAY about meeting on a platonic level because she seems really smart, funny & cool, plus we have several friends in common. Until we have time to meet one-on-one, she invited me to her one-woman show this week, so I'm bringing one of our mutual friends IRENE (who I also met on OKC) too. Should be fun.




No word from JEANETTE since her cancellation on Saturday, but not really expecting one until Wednesday, if at all.




And now for what you've all been waiting for - the date with CARMEN.


Well to be honest, it went really well! She was how I expected her: attractive, great body, stylish, ditzy, friendly, gregarious, positive, scatterbrained, non-drug user, and a bit kooky. We had dinner and drinks ($76 tip included, mostly because of the drinks), the date lasted for about 5 hours and we had a really great time talking & flirting. It was fun.


But right off the bat I knew she simply wasn't my type. Too silly, too extroverted, not as smart & composed as I prefer my partner to be, a little rough around the edges, really unfocused "career" choices, at 42 her longest relationship was 3 years, and she *claims* to wait 3 months before having sex with a new person, which just seems excessive to me.


And though she looked great, her hair smelled unwashed, which was a total turnoff. As was the frequent cellphone use, which I playfully scolded her about a few times until she got the message.


Attractive as she was, I simply couldn't see being in a relationship with her, let alone getting excited for a 2nd date.


So even though it was clear she was attracted to me (multiple compliments, touching, taking our picture together, sending a FB friend request, etc.) and expecting a kiss, I dropped her off at her place and didn't go in for one. An hour later she sent me a very enthusiastic text about getting together again.


But this morning I sent her a message saying she was fun & very attractive but I'd prefer just to be friends, and she sent a nice reply saying she understood and that worked for her.


Sorry it wasn't more dramatic, everyone

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Yesterday I got replies from new contacts SC (36) and SB (37), neither of whom gave their real names. Nevertheless I messaged both of them plus MARGOT & BELLA, inviting all four to chat on the phone or meet for dinner. No responses yet.


However, I've had some good frequent contact with KAY this week. Despite the platonic nature of my initial message, I get the feeling she might be leaving the door open for something more, but I may be reading too much into her enthusiasm for meeting up, so I'll reserve judgment for now.


Regardless, I'm going to see her performance tonight with our mutual friend, then we're meeting for dinner and a gallery walk tomorrow night. I have a feeling she's might not be my type physically, but based on her messages and her online videos, she's sharp, smart, grounded and HILARIOUS, so it should be a fun evening no matter what.

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Just got a text from MARGOT saying she's free for Sunday, so looks like my weekend is shaping up.


I also got a PM from an ex (MARGARITA) living overseas who's planning on visiting my city soon, saying she'd like to hang out. We only went out for 1.5 months a couple of years ago, and I did the dumping, but we remained on good terms so it would be cool to see her.

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My insight is that spending 6 hours with you on only the second time she's seen you she was tired and ready to have some alone time. By saying you look tired, she was saying she was tired.


If romance is that important to you, then have shorter dates.

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If romance is that important to you, then have shorter dates.


We'll have to agree to disagree on that point. As mentioned previously, JEANETTE is the one who extended the date by an extra hour to get tea. Besides, I've had several long first/second dates that resulted in LTR's.


Since she hasn't contacted me since last Saturday, I'm just assuming she wasn't interested enough to go for a 3rd date no matter what I did.


But onwards and upwards...


- KAY's show was hilarious last night, but we only had a brief hug & hello since she was dealing with lots of fans after the show. Luckily we had some nice back & forth online today and finalized plans for tonight.


- MARGOT agreed to a date this Sunday night so I sent her dinner/activity options this morning.


- SB replied that she'd like to meet sometime next week because work is hectic. But I'm going out of town next week, so I suggested that we shoot for late the following week instead.


- Finally, new - and VERY attractive - contact YUKI (37) replied after not having read my message for 9 days:


"I haven't logged on for a long time and just saw your message... Let me know if you wanna meet up and chat sometime."


I suggested this Saturday because I'm on vacation next week, and apologized for the short notice.


She replied "Sat early evening might work. I'll call or text you then. Maybe we can go grab some wasabi "


Her response seems promising on its face, especially since she gave her first name and was replying quickly. Our conversation happened over the course of an hour, not days, as is typically the case. Good sign.


BUT it totally leaves her with all the cards since she's being somewhat non-committal AND I still don't have her number.


So since I'm not one to force the issue if a pretty girl seems wishy-washy, I left the ball squarely in her court, with the subtle implication that there's a time limit to my offer:


"Works for me. If I haven't made plans by the time I hear from you, then we can see about getting some sushi to go with that wasabi you mention. "


As usual when left at an impasse, I won't contact her further unless she initiates.


And why should I? I've got two dates this weekend, and possibly another one when I get back from vacation.



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I got such a joy reading this thread. I admire all the work you put into setting these dates up and your confidence in each one. I wish more threads were like this. Keep us posted! I'm sure with all this hard work you'll find someone great

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The date with KAY last night went well. We had dinner and went on a local gallery walk which was really fun. We even ran into an acquaintance of hers who was showing at a gallery, so the owner invited us to hang out after closing. We had wine & snacks while hobnobbing with artists after hours - this is what dates are all about!


The date lasted 4.5 hours and I only spent $13 total for BOTH our dinners and bus fare for me. Bargain!


Nothing romantic happened, especially since my first message expressed just wanting to be platonic. And being an entertainer/comic, she naturally had no problem talking a lot about herself while asking very little about me. But she's smart, nice, funny and has an interesting life so I didn't mind being entertained for free!


But now I know not to date a comedian. I really like to use humor on dates, but it's hard competing with a pro! Luckily I did get a few genuine laughs out of her, so I knew they were well-earned.


On a side note, I mentioned a book reading tonight and she said she was going too - but then clammed up. So I assumed she already had a date for it, and I decided to skip it myself for that reason.


But this morning she texted to ask if I was going.


I figured it couldn't hurt to have someone to go with, so I suggested we meet for dinner beforehand.


Well, as it turned out, she *did* have a date to the reading, and she *was* just making sure I wasn't going too! Touché!


So let that be a lesson: if you're "serial dating" - or even if you're not - there's a good chance your dates are doing the exact same thing.


Nevertheless, at her suggestion that we do something before I go out of town, on Monday night we're meeting for a movie screening and Q&A.




And though I haven't talked to MARGOT in person yet, last night she sent a very positive - and impressed - response to my dinner/activity options for Sunday and just texted today a couple of times confirming the place & time. So that's looking good.




As expected, however, JEANETTE hasn't contacted me about a 3rd date, KIM hasn't made her "when I'm back in town" phone call, and YUKI hasn't followed up on "maybe" going out tomorrow. Luckily I've got non-date-related plans for tonight & tomorrow so I'll be having fun regardless!

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Friday I went to a friend's club night, met my friend IRENE there, and we were both overwhelmed by the amount of gay & lesbian attendees to what was typically a more "straight" event. I have no problem with this, except my intention to meet a girl was stymied by the fact that a) most of the girls seemed lesbian and b) I felt much older than any of the girls I would have approached.


So I was a bit depressed about everything all day Saturday, and even saw on FB that KAY's date for Friday night also met her at the Saturday night event she had invited me to as well. Though to be honest, I'm not really worried one way or the other. I'm not really seeing her as a longterm prospect, and I have reason to believe she's probably less into him than me anyway. Guess I'll know more tomorrow at our movie meetup.




This morning (Sunday) I messaged 29 new people on OKC with the following results:


- 15 unread


- 1 response from LULA (44) who is bisexual and had 1 blurry picture, both of which I told her made me hesitant to message her at all. Despite this, she replied back several times and since we're both old movie fans we made a tentative - and I'm assuming platonic - date to see a silent movie double feature in a few weeks. Pretty sure it *will* happen, but pretty sure I will not be interested beyond friendship.


- 1 unsolicited message from M12 (34) that seemed spammy. I called "her" bluff to prove "she" wasn't a spambot, she replied asking how should she do this, and I told her to send me 4 thoughtful, solid sentences about any topic she pleased. Needless to say, the convo ended there.


- 1 reply from STEPHANIE (31) whom I messaged over a week ago, politely declining further contact: "hmm... i'm kind of a homebody. so it doesn't look like we're socially compatible. but just want to say i like your profile. best of luck."




I also messaged KIM, who had told me 13 days ago she would call after being out of town for 1.5 weeks, but never did. Her reply was a tentatively promising "I was back for 2-days but am gone again for another week. April just happens to be a crazy travel month for me. So sorry. Would still like to meet up. Can I call you when I get back? What is your #?"


So I gave her my number (again) and if I don't hear from her first, I'll call her in about 10 days when *I'm* back from vacation.




Finally, I just got back from a 2.75 hour dinner date with MARGOT ($45 total) and it probably went the best of any of my dates this month. She looked better than her photos (even though she's my age), seemed grounded / sane / intelligent, we had lots in common (music, views, same profession), she lives near me, conversation was great, and we kept amazing eye contact the entire night.


After dinner we gave each other a goodbye hug at her car, talked a bit more, and when she wished me a good vacation and suggested that we get together again, I gave her a short kiss on the mouth which she readily accepted.


So I'm 100% certain date #2 is mine for the asking. And though I don't know if she'll rival my ex KATE, or WYNN from January, I'd be very happy to see her a second time to find out if she overshadows either - or both - of them.



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As a humorous sidenote, MARGOT told a few brief online dating horror stories:


- Once she met a date at a dark concert, shook his hand, and it felt strange like he had a balled fist. The guy hid his hands in a pocket and under a jacket for most of the night, so it wasn't until later that she found why. He hadn't told her that both of his hands had been burned off in a horrible accident; he no longer had fingers, just nubs.


- Another date was handsome and nice, but he failed to reveal that he was completely paralyzed on one side until they met in person.


- One date made horrible "old man noises" (weird grunts) while kissing her, and that turned her off him for good.


- Lastly, she related a story of a gay friend who tripped over something on his bedroom floor the morning after, while his ONS lay sleeping. This is how he found out about his new lover's fake leg.



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