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Online Dating for the 2nd Time - A Journal


NorthDallas40

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I must be A LOT uglier than I think/have been told, then. That's pretty depressing. I've gone so far, just to see, as trying to engage with women well below my socioeconomic status, level of education, fitness & style, etc. and still been ignored utterly. I'd take one reply in 30. That'd be acceptable. Not everyone's gonna be into you. I get that... but literally no one's into me apparently... even the morbidly obese. I think I need a therapist after this revelation.

 

Classically handsome guys on dating sites are like catnip (just like attractive women).

 

Also, race, height, and body type impact the number of messages you will get.

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Two minor victories in the two hours since I last posted:

 

- ELAINE messaged back, committing to dinner on Thursday. Nice.

 

- And KIM responded too. Place your bets folks:

 

"Sorry... I know my time commitment issues are quite off-putting. I hear it from my friends all the time. I am pretty confident that I can make brunch work.... especially since I will be at the office late tonight. Let's meet up at _____ at 11:30am? My number is __________."

 

=D>

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Good day so far:

 

- CELINE messaged back, saying that yes she would be interested in meeting next week

 

and

 

- I just got back from a 2.5 hour brunch w/ KIM... and it went quite well! She looked great, conversation was really fun & easy from both sides, she kept wonderful eye contact and played with her hair throughout lunch (look it up if you don't know what that means).

 

And even though she was running late for a work appointment, she went to feed her parking meter TWICE instead of bailing. At the end of the date I walked her to her car and since she asked about getting together again when she's back in town next week, I kissed her... twice.

 

Glad you didn't put money on your prediction, HWayStr!

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Ha! Yet a further example that I know squat about the opposite sex.

 

Glad it worked out for you.

 

Don't worry, I was also thinking that she was going to bail.

 

@NorthDallas, Just out of curiosity, what do you normally say to a girl that you're messaging for the first time?

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Classically handsome guys on dating sites are like catnip (just like attractive women).

 

Also, race, height, and body type impact the number of messages you will get.

 

Well, I must be classically ugly, like Bach after getting caught up in a house fire, casing them cats away with the vacuum cleaner... LOL!

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@NorthDallas, Just out of curiosity, what do you normally say to a girl that you're messaging for the first time?

 

As an example, here's the note I sent to KIM. Obviously some of the references won't make sense, but you get the idea of how to use something from a person's profile to spark a conversation:

 

How's it going KIM -

 

Old music, wine, art, traveling, dancing and a 91% match... totally works for me. Have you heard the Chris Bell (Big Star) solo album? I might like it even more than Big Star's regular discography.

 

And I think that's a really great f*cking outfit in your picture btw - is it vintage or new? I'm a total sucker for bell sleeves.

 

It would be really nice to hear from you. Even if you haven't thought about your favorite movie in awhile.

 

- ND40

 

And BTW - it turned out the dress was a vintage Oscar De La Renta, and she told me that the fact I commented on it was a big reason she responded to my message. So pay attention to details!

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you're like Obi-Wan Kenobi

 

if I ever get back on my feet and get a job (it wouldn't make sense to enter the online dating world until then), I'd like to be your protege, if you'll grace me with your knowledge. As princess leia once so eloquently stated, "Obi-Wan, you're my only hope."

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Ha if I'm Obi-Wan, I wouldn't last long enough to train a Luke Skywalker like you. The Evil Empire of Dating would have kicked my a** long ago in a singles bar far far away...

 

But onto today's recap:

 

- Several hours after our brunch yesterday, I texted KIM that I'd love to see her again, either before she leaves or after she gets back in town next week. No response yet. And unfortunately she did post a picture online of her eating dinner that night with her ex, labeled "BFF." That's a small red flag, but she'd already mentioned him at lunch and had previously posted a picture of them together at an event that happened after she joined OKC, so I'm trusting for now that they are indeed "just friends." I'm in no position to complain after one date, anyway.

 

- I sent responses to ELAINE & CELINE, firming up plans to meet with them later this week.

 

- I sent out 15 new messages on OKC, receiving responses from two. REY (37) simply said thanks and that she'd message me back later. But STEFANI (40) had a more engaging reply, so I responded and asked if she'd like to meet for dinner next weekend. She said she's out of town then, but the following week might work. I have a feeling this date *will* happen but we'll see.

 

- Still no response from MARGOT from my VM from 3 days ago. Our first date went well, so I'm a bit surprised that she hasn't responded, but you can never predict these things.

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To put it flatly, to me, that you makes you sound like an utter d***head.

 

Why? She changed plans twice and responded fairly slowly to my messages; all signs of a potential flake who was just jerking me around. When I sense that, it's time to be more firm or cut my losses if that approach doesn't work.

 

I simply I let her know how her lackadaisical treatment felt, gave her an easy out to cancel if she wanted to, told her I understood if she actually was busy, tried to regain some control of the situation by giving her a deadline and asking for her number a THIRD time, and added some teasing humor to keep it light.

 

Or was I supposed to wait until Saturday morning for her to *maybe* confirm for Saturday afternoon when I had no way to contact her except for OKC messaging? No thanks!

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Well, I think it's very hard to manage a message that is semi-scolding with humor and tact without seeming bitter and disbelieving. I think if you want to communicate to someone in the future about the same issue, it might not hurt to be a bit more succinct and direct like:

 

"I understand if your job is keeping you from the date. In my past experience, when a woman changes plans twice and responds slowly to messages, it means she is not interested. So if you are indeed interested, I will leave it to you to set up and plan a meetup. If I do hear from you, I will be wonderfully delighted and look forward to our date. If I don't hear from you, I wish you the best on your dating adventures."

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Nyxy & Ms Darcy - I didn't think my reply came accross as douchey or bitter (though I *was* disbelieving!), but that's why it's good to get a female viewpoint. I'll keep your input in mind for the future.

 

But to use Darcy's example, given a choice between a formal, nonthreatening but ultimately bland and toothless response to a potential flaker, I'd rather roll the dice with my message's firmness and lightly scolding sarcasm to display a bit of personality and backbone.

 

Because if a girl's gonna flake, she's gonna flake. It doesn't really matter what a guy says.

 

But if she's on the fence or just needs to be reminded that she's not being considerate of a man's efforts to spend time with HER, then a more "take-action" response is the way to go IMO. It shows that you're not a pushover or doormat, and displays the kind of unapologetic confidence that many women will ultimately be attracted to... despite the advice to the contrary that they might give on this thread!

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Getting back to the updating from yesterday, the best call I got was from my Big Brother rep who said I was APPROVED as a mentor! I should be paired with a "Little" soon - very excited!

 

As for the dating...

 

- LULA and I had a ostensibly platonic movie date for last night but she was logged off OKC for over a week (she has my number, I don't have hers) so I assumed she bailed. She finally got in touch yesterday morning saying she thought it was tonight (gee thanks), but I told her I had already made other plans. 43-yo's really should have better etiquette, but I've found that flakes come in all ages.

 

- I sent ELAINE plans for Thursday. She read but hasn't replied.

 

- CELINE suggested meeting to hike on Saturday and I replied positively.

 

- STEFANI agreed about meeting next week and said she'd be in touch to plan later. I'm going to message her in about 5 days to keep in the loop.

 

- KAY posted a photo on FB from her travels and tagged me since the pic was an in-joke between us. We're technically "just friends" but I have this feeling it might go somewhere further... or not.

 

- No reply from MARGOT regarding my VM from 5 days ago, but I'm going to call one last time tonight. No more contact if she doesn't answer or reply.

 

- No reply from KIM regarding my post-date text 3 days ago, but I know she was busy all weekend and traveled to the other coast yesterday. Since I don't know when she's getting back into town, I'll call her tonight.

 

And two nights ago I just found out about an event happening next week that WYNN would love to attend (her favorite movie with the director in person!). I'm soooooo tempted to invite her since I have tickets... but am holding off since I have so many unresolved dating prospects still up in the air. Ugh.

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That is interesting to read. Those ladies must be busy, I hardly take longer than a day to reply if I like what the guy writes. Interesting to see also how much more lenient guys are, in the case of Kim if it was a guy I would have dismissed him ages ago.

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That is interesting to read. Those ladies must be busy, I hardly take longer than a day to reply if I like what the guy writes. Interesting to see also how much more lenient guys are, in the case of Kim if it was a guy I would have dismissed him ages ago.

 

In MARGOT's case, I think she just lost interest or found a better match. My phone call tonight will just be a last-ditch effort.

 

As for KIM, typically I would have stopped bothering too. But not only do I find her very attractive, but we hit it off well and have a lot in common, so I'm reluctant to give up too easily. She's the only other girl I've dated since WYNN where I can definitely see some realistic longterm potential, at least based on one date.

 

Plus she is truly very busy for work, having traveled to at least six different cities around the world in the past 2 months, with very little time at home. Interestingly, she didn't brag about any of the specifics; it's easily determined by her online photosharing postings.

 

Now obviously it doesn't bode well for a relationship if she's rarely in town, but she did acknowledge that difficulty and said she's supposed to get an assistant soon which should help.

 

But that's a longterm concern. Right now I just want to get a second date!

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LOL I wished I caught this post in the beginning. I would have say I might be a pro online dater. (maybe). I have been doing it close to 2 yrs. Not sure how you message 10 peeps a week on OKcupid You must be trying everyone. Then again maybe I am to picky which I think I am. Also not sure why NDallas40 had to get a GF since he is turning 43. Reading the dates he has had has been totally different from mine. Although I am on the shorter end of height at 5'6-5'7 with boots, I dont have any problems and have been told since my 20's I am Tim Mcgraw with more hair LOL.

 

Anyway,

 

Match - didnt like, fake users, no action

Singlesnet - Oh god dont waste your time

OKCupid - NOTHING, few hits here/there

POF - LOL will come back to this

Datehookup - IDK yet, tried it before and nothing, someone told me its the best , and got a boob shot last night

 

POF - I know I am male, males brag and all that but just about everything I have pulled off there = Sex. Out of maybe the 50 I went out except one that I liked held up for a while. If I say to myself I want to be laid this weekend I can do it off of POF with very little work.

 

To me online dating is nothing but sex. I wish I could bump into someone at the grocery store and get to know some one who is normal

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POF - I know I am male, males brag and all that but just about everything I have pulled off there = Sex. Out of maybe the 50 I went out except one that I liked held up for a while. If I say to myself I want to be laid this weekend I can do it off of POF with very little work.

 

To me online dating is nothing but sex. I wish I could bump into someone at the grocery store and get to know some one who is normal

 

Ewwww...... I've met two serious boyfriends from POF -- one from Match -- and one from OKCupid. I certainly never had any casual hookups from any of those sites -- although there are plenty of creeps hitting me up all the time!!!

 

OP, I'm really enjoying your posts. I've never had one of those "casual coffee meetup" kind of first dates -- usually, if I bother to meet someone in person for a date, we've had a lot of back-and-forth online and on the phone and there's considerable butterflies built up before the first date. So, the first date is usually pretty special. Usually we've already acknowledged that we're NOT dating anyone else while we check each other out.

 

Just saying -- in the past 10 years, this has worked for me and resulted in real relationships from people I've met online. If I sense a guy is juggling lots of women online, I just ignore him or drop him pretty quick. But then, I'm probably just extra choosey :sneakiness:

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I've never had one of those "casual coffee meetup" kind of first dates -- usually, if I bother to meet someone in person for a date, we've had a lot of back-and-forth online and on the phone and there's considerable butterflies built up before the first date.

 

I haven't gone the "let's meet for coffee" route either - at the very least my first dates have involved dinner or brunch, often with an activity afterwards.

 

But I'm not big on long online convos before meeting in person because face-to-face is going to be the real test.

 

Still, as you've indicated, if the other person agrees to a date and still engages in a comfortable amount of back-and-forth online before meeting, it usually means they have a fairly high interest level which is usually a good sign for a first date.

 

If I sense a guy is juggling lots of women online, I just ignore him or drop him pretty quick. But then, I'm probably just extra choosey

 

I always assume that a woman I meet on OKC is seeing other people, and I don't hold it against them if they are. I don't expect anyone to be exclusive before I've met them, or even after 2-4 dates. We're all on a dating site to meet people, after all!

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- Dinner date with ELAINE is confirmed for tomorrow night. I'm verrrrry skeptical about this one because rereading her profile we have very little in common, she only has one photo (head & shoulders) and she seems a bit introverted/quiet/unfriendly. I get the feeling this is just a "practice" date for her, but I picked a restaurant I really like that I haven't been to in awhile, so at least I'll be getting a great meal even if she's a dud!

 

- Lunch (and maybe hiking) date with CELINE is confirmed for Saturday. Again, I'm not convinced we have much in common and she only has one pic (luckily full body and she's quite cute) but she seems like a positive & nice person so I think it will go well.

 

- I sent STEFANI another "small talk" message yesterday in advance of us planning something next week, and she sent an equally fun reply. Once more, I don't think we've got much in common but at least she's keeping the conversation going, and she looks sexy in almost all of her 6 photos (portrait & full body, all seem recent). If we do end up meeting, I think we'll have a good time.

 

- I had gotten a nice but noncommittal response from new prospect MISSY (35) when I messaged her on Sunday, so I replied. No real hopes for her though; she lives about 25 miles away and just deleted her 1 (full body) photo from her profile so I expect she'll be off OKC soon anyway.

 

- I decided against calling MARGOT since I've already contacted her enough times already. Writing her off.

 

- I left KIM a VM at around 9pm her time (she's out of town) last night, but have yet to get a response. I *really* want to see her again so I might call/text one more time in a few days if she doesn't reply. Perhaps Ms. Darcy's message would be a good one to send at that point.

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As I mentioned previously, I messaged a cute girl REY (37) three days ago. She had similar music & movie tastes to mine and profile was well-written, but she did come off a little egotistical and condescending. So I didn't really expect an answer, and her first reply later that day was discouraging.

 

But surprisingly she got back to me today, with promising results.

 

I want to share our entire exchange as a lesson for guys as to why it's a good idea to a) address the girl's interests (i.e.: READ HER PROFILE!) and b) let her set the pace of communication. Notice the date of the first 3 messages and how I did not even reply to her first note. Seeming too eager can be your downfall.

 

But by the same token, if you get a noncommittal/disinterested response, try your best to take charge and be firm, even humorously sarcastic. Because at that point, you really have nothing to lose... and showing that you have a pair just *might* be the tipping point for a girl agreeing to meet, even if you risk coming off a bit douchey. (Just don't actually BE a douche!)

 

Anyway, here's the exchange:

 

ND40 - Apr 28, 2013 – 11:19am

Hey REY - I really dig your movie taste; not a lot of people appreciate classics nowadays. Have you seen the Val Lewton psychological noir/horror film THE SEVENTH VICTIM? It has a shower scene that predates PSYCHO by about 20 years. I think you'd like it. And whoa - you don't see many _________ fans out there anymore. My band opened for them around 1990 in _________. Are you a fan of any of the bars singer _________ co-owns (_________, _________, etc.)? Anyway you seem like an intriguing person so it would be great to hear from you, - ND40

 

REY - Apr 28, 2013 – 3:21pm

Hi ND40, Thanks for your message. I'll write you later... - Rey

 

REY - May 1, 2013 – 1:27pm

Hi ND40, Thanks for writing. How was your weekend? How is okc working out for you? I used to live stumbling distance from the _________ for a few years. It's one of my favorite divy bars, but I haven't been in a while. I knew _________ owned that one but I didn't know he owned other ones as well. Not really sure what to write, really. I'm kinda "over" okc at the moment. It can be a huge timesuck.

 

ND40 - May 1, 2013 – 2:15pm

Thanks for getting back to me, Rey. And I'm loving the positive attitude! Ok. So you find OKC to be a waste of time, then I have no problem cutting to the chase. Would you like to meet this weekend for dinner or brunch? I think we have enough interests in common to sustain an enjoyable meal-length conversation, especially if you're as articulate as you claim. I guarantee no timesuck - you'll have fun.

 

REY - May 1, 2013 – 2:35pm

Sure, we can do that. I'm not big on sending messages back and forth. No where do I actually claim to be articulate, but I guess seeming so in my profile would make it so. Where do you live and what days are you available? I'm in _________ and I won't know my schedule for sure until tomorrow evening.

 

ND40 - May 1, 2013 – 3:09pm

Conveniently I'm in _________ and as of now I'm free Saturday night and Sunday day/evening. If it's easier to work out details over the phone, I'm at _________. I have plans tomorrow night, but I can call you afterwards if 11pm or midnight isn't too late for you. And yes, between "a lover of literature and languages, I appreciate the artistic, clever, and proper use of words and grammar" and "I don’t suffer fools gladly," I knew I could safely accuse you of being articulate even if you didn't claim it in so many words. That's a good thing, btw.

 

Where things go from here is now up to her.

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Why? She changed plans twice and responded fairly slowly to my messages; all signs of a potential flake who was just jerking me around. When I sense that, it's time to be more firm or cut my losses if that approach doesn't work.

 

I simply I let her know how her lackadaisical treatment felt, gave her an easy out to cancel if she wanted to, told her I understood if she actually was busy, tried to regain some control of the situation by giving her a deadline and asking for her number a THIRD time, and added some teasing humor to keep it light.

 

Or was I supposed to wait until Saturday morning for her to *maybe* confirm for Saturday afternoon when I had no way to contact her except for OKC messaging? No thanks!

 

Why? Let's see. You indirectly call her liar. You shoot down both ideas she brings up and give the impression they are below you, then tell her to pick anyway. You give her a deadline, and you make a snidey remark. Some people may call it "confidence", I call it arrogance.

 

Speaking as someone who regularly leaves the house at 6am to get home for 9pm, that message would really rub me up the wrong way. Having said that, I'm the sort of person who cuts contact as soon as someone slips up and says something I don't like - I'm picky.

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