Online Dating for the 2nd Time - A Journal

[quirky]

That was an interesting post, I appreciate the insight you've given us. I think the bit in bold is the key thing here.

[NorthDallas40]

Well I'm trying to salvage today's cancellation by WYNN:

 

- I asked KAY if she wanted to take Wynn's place for dinner & movie and she agreed, as well as offering to go to a play too. So she's coming over in awhile to eat, we'll go to the play, then go to the movie... then who knows.

 

- STEFANI messaged today and said Wednesday was good for her.

 

- I emailed KIM about her schedule for the week. If we don't end up with an outing planned in the next 7 days, I'm calling it a day with her.

 

- I messaged 3 new people on OKC and deleted a page's worth of "favorites" that didn't look so promising on closer inspection.

 

- On the bright side, I got a nice unsolicited OKC message from an attractive 38-yo:

 

"I don't know if we're a fit romantically, but I liked just about everything I read and can relate to the large majority of it. So, if nothing else, I figured I'd email a fellow vegan with a compliment. If my profile works for you in any way, I look forward to hearing from you. If not, I genuinely wish you luck in finding an awesome vegan goddess! "

 

Of course she's not my type at all, but the occasional ego-boost is always welcome, as well as getting a validation on your profile writeup. At least now I know it appeals to someone!

[calichick007]

May I ask why you continue to pursue Kim so relentlessly?

[NorthDallas40]

Well I've kept my contact with Kim to about once a week while dating other women at the same time, so I wouldn't say I've exactly been relentless. Just consistent.

 

But to answer your question, it's because we have a lot in common in terms of music, style, activities, attitude about life, etc. We're from the same "tribe," so to speak, which hasn't really been the case with most women I've dated this time around, even if I've enjoyed their company. So it's nice to have those common bonds for a change.

 

And yes, I admit it... she's also a good kisser, has a great sense of style, and is really sexy too. Sue me!

 

As for tonight, KAY and I had a great (platonic) time. And as a bonus, as we left my apartment I passed by the downstairs neighbor's doorway as he was having a get-together. And who did I see inside but cute neighbor MICHELLE, smiling and waving enthusiastically to me as I passed by... with Kay! 8-)

 

And though I've received no replies from any of my other prospects / new contacts, STEFANI messaged back with a restaurant idea for Wednesday, so that's looking good.

[NorthDallas40]

Thought it might be interesting to look at some raw data from my OKC experience then and now:

 

2011

I contacted 24 women in 9 days, went on date with 1 of them (KATE), closed my profile after 2 weeks total, and we had a great 1-year relationship.

 

2012

I contacted 50 women in 40 days, went on dates with 5 of them, dated WYNN for 5 weeks until I called it off.

 

2013

Contacted 300+ women in 5 months and counting, went on dates with 12 of them (including WYNN again) and have 1 more date planned, but have no realistic longterm prospects yet.

 

The phrase "diminishing returns" comes to mind!!

[TheD87]

I am rather inexperienced online dating. I met my last girlfriend within days of opening my profile for the first time and she messaged me first.

 

I reopened my profile today and have been exchanging messages with a girl. She is giving detailed responses to all my questions, but she is not asking me any questions at all, just answering mine. In your opinion is she just being nice and answering my questions or is she really interested? I thought most women ignore messages from guys they don't have an interest in, but I find it odd she has answered all 5 of messages with detailed responses, and responds each time pretty quickly, but she has not asked me one question.

[NorthDallas40]

There's no way to know for sure. After 5 messages though, I would have asked her to meet up or at least talk on the phone. That's the test that will let you know if they're at least somewhat interested.

[NorthDallas40]

So the OKC well is running dry for the moment. :sad:

 

KIM hasn't responded to my email from 2 days ago. I left DAISY a voicemail last night but haven't heard back. And none of the 5 new people I messaged over the weekend have responded. I'm thinking about reactivating my Match and/or POF accounts if nothing pans out soon!

 

Luckily I have one prospect left.

 

STEFANI finally gave me her number and our dinner date is confirmed for tomorrow night. She picked a restaurant that's 5 minutes from her place and there's a romantic spot to go walking afterwards if things go well. She looks great in all of her pictures (full body shots included) and going by our OKC questionnaire answers we seem to be on the same page on a lot of points.

 

So I'm hoping for the best...

 

...while fully preparing for her to flake at the last minute, be crazy, b*tchy, boring, and/or have a physique that proves that her photos are over 10 years old. :splat:

[NorthDallas40]

Ok, one more bright spot. DAISY texted me back today, I asked her to dinner & a comedy club for tonight, and she accepted. Today's mission accomplished.

[Galaxo]

There's no way to know for sure. After 5 messages though, I would have asked her to meet up or at least talk on the phone. That's the test that will let you know if they're at least somewhat interested.

 

 

I assume you ask about meeting up within the first one or two messages? Or do you only ask about a phone number at times? Did you meet any quality women on POF? I seemed to only find crazy ladies and hookups several years ago on that site so wonder if I got the wrong impression of the site. Moco is the only site I think is "worse" or "wilder" than POF that I have come accross so far imo.

 

I usually make some sort of offer in the first message, leaving date/time to be determined if I get a positive response back. I am going to go with or without her, so the only question for me is whether to consider her schedule as to when I go. I rarely ask for her number and wait for her offer it to me instead.

[NorthDallas40]

Galaxo - Yes, I bring up meeting or chatting on the phone usually on the 2nd message. I'm not looking for penpals, after all. And like you, I also got a sleazy/depressing "hookup" vibe from POF so I never contacted anyone on it.

 

As for my date tonight, DAISY was a really sweet person but for someone that was 7 years younger than me, she was even less hip than my 82-year-old mother. Really clueless about the most obvious pop culture references. Plus she was 20 minutes late and it's clear that her 1 profile photo was at least 5 years old. At least our meal was good, the comedy show was hilarious, and Daisy was pleasant to be around for a couple of hours. I think she had a good time, so I did my part to help a newly separated mother get back into the dating game, but she wasn't my type AT ALL.

 

So STEFANI: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE BE A GOOD DATE TOMORROW NIGHT!!! [-o

[NorthDallas40]

Well my prayers were answered. I had a textbook Good Date courtesy of STEFANI last night.

 

I traveled about an hour to her town which wasn't a bad drive, especially since she lives in a much nicer area than mine! She was on time and looked just like her photos: attractive, well-dressed and in great shape. She seemed a bit reticent at first, but after a few minutes we had great conversation & laughs over drinks while waiting for our table, and during our 2-hour dinner.

 

When we were done, I asked if she wanted to stroll around, and she suggested playing pool. I needed a parking pass, so we drove to her place (which she admitted was a bit of a mess, and it was - so she obviously wasn't planning on a visitor, which I mentally noted), then we had a lot of fun playing pool around the corner from hers for about 1.5 hours.

 

Since I had a longish drive ahead of me, we wrapped up around 11:30pm. But before I got in my car, she seemed open for a kiss so I gave her 4 (!) on the lips, though nothing too passionate. She seemed to enjoy it, so it was good end to a fun date.

 

So on the plus side, we got along great, she seems 100% sane & normal, good sense of humor, she's got a great job and is about to buy a house. Basically, I didn't see any red flags. Whew!

 

However, I'm not sure if we have enough in common to sustain a relationship, or even a 2nd date. I'm a total music & movie nerd but she's more about her job, traveling, and volleyball. Plus she's not exactly my type physically - more athletic than slim. And I can totally see her thinking thinking that she's out of my league, but I'm not to going to let that rattle me. I'm going to ask her out again... but not be too disappointed if she declines.

 

------

 

Luckily, ROSE (but let's call her NATALIE from here on out) who sent me an unsolicited message 2 weeks ago finally sent me a text this morning responding to my brunch invitation from last week! She said she had been out of town for 10 days but just got back and would love to go to brunch. Like Stefanie, she's more athletic than slim. But she's 34, vegetarian, musician, training to be a yoga instructor, into a lot of the same things I like, and judging by her pics, very cute and stylish. I'm going to call her tonight.

[NorthDallas40]

A few updates...

 

- Since I really hate how women like KIM & REY have just left me hanging when they've lost interest, I emailed DAISY this polite rejection message yesterday:

 

"Hey Daisy I had a lot of fun meeting you the other night and I hope you did too! However, I don't feel that we're really a "match," so I just wanted to let you know where I stood so you weren't left hanging. You seem like a great person though, so good luck in your search!"

 

And this morning she sent a very nice reply:

 

" .. it was fun and thank u . you're such a gentleman . likewise and good luck to u too"

 

It was actually nice to be called a "gentleman," especially in this context. Karma points earned! If only all "rejectees" were this gracious, right?

 

- I called NATALIE after work yesterday and like I figured, she was a bit flighty & overtalkative, plus she lives about 45 minutes away which I didn't realize. But she seemed fun, so we made tentative plans for brunch tomorrow. However, she sent me a link on her YouTube page, and then I realized she was much more overweight than her six photos (some full-body!) on OKC indicated. Though I hate to be shallow, I knew there's no way I would be attracted. So I sent this message to her today:

 

"Thanks for the video - looks like you had fun! I saw your other videos and hey that's cool you're an actress; I had no idea! Unfortunately, I don't date actresses. Nothing personal. It's just that though I get along great with performers as friends, relationships are another story. Between scheduling & personality conflicts, It's like oil & water and just has never worked out for me. Also the distance is a bit of a concern as well; for some reason I thought you lived closer. So I'm going to pass on brunch tomorrow and I hope you can accept my apologies. But I wish you the best in your search!"

 

Though I exaggerated the "I don't date actresses" bit, I felt it was a more tactful approach than telling the truth. Hopefully she won't take offense.

 

- Fortunately last night I got a message I was *really* hoping for.

 

I had messaged a girl MISSY several months ago who looked quite a bit like my ex KATE but didn't have a full writeup yet. She read the message, and visited my profile several times that week, but she never replied. And when she later filled out her profile, she seemed like a genuine, down-to-earth person with some similar interests to mine! I was really bummed she never replied.

 

Anyway I looked at her profile last week and noted that she works for a nonprofit to prevent child abuse. Since I was now a Big Brother mentor, I figured that could be a good "in" for a conversation, so I sent a message 4 days ago. I had nothing to lose, right?

 

Well, she read the message immediately... but TOOK HER PROFILE DOWN the next day! I figured that was that... even when she put it back up yesterday.

 

So imagine my surprise when I got a reply last night while at a movie with my friend IRINA:

 

"Hi ND40. I'm glad you took the step to be a big brother. There is a good amount of boys that could use a positive role model. Of course assuming that you are. I believe you had to have gone through some sort of screening so you must be sane. - Missy"

 

Obviously that message wasn't exactly brimming with enthusiasm, but I at least got her attention! So I messaged her back today and am really crossing my fingers. [-o

 

In the meantime, I'm going to give STEFANI a call today about a 2nd date.

[NorthDallas40]

Well at lunch I left STEFANI a VM about that 2nd date, and 45 mins. later she texted back that she had a nice time too... so meeting next week sounded good to her.

[Throwaway999]

2013

Contacted 300+ women in 5 months and counting, went on dates with 12 of them (including WYNN again) and have 1 more date planned, but have no realistic longterm prospects yet.

 

The phrase "diminishing returns" comes to mind!!

 

Good lord. I messed around on OKC a little bit months ago, then gave up, and I just returned recently and created a profile again. I don't know why I bothered. I can't even find a dozen women on there that look interesting enough for me to want to message them, much less hundreds. If anything, reading women's online dating profiles makes me not want to date any of them. Frankly, it kind of turns me off from women in general.

 

Any time I start to feel lonely, I just read some OKC profiles and suddenly I'm heaving a huge sigh of relief that I'm not in a relationship.

[NorthDallas40]

I can't even find a dozen women on there that look interesting enough for me to want to message them, much less hundreds.

 

I can sympathize; that was my exact situation living in my smaller hometown before I moved to my current bigger city. I was on link removed for about 2 weeks, became thoroughly depressed at the lack of women - ANY women - on the site and closed my account.

 

Now, however, there are dozens beautiful and/or interesting (unfortunately they don't always go together) women signing up to the site every week where I currently live. But of course, the same is likely true for the guys; competition is fierce.

 

So though I'm putting forth a lot of effort without much apparent result, so-so dates with 16 different women *here* sure beats zero dates where I used to live!

[NorthDallas40]

There were two promising developments tonight so I'm trying to not get my hopes up.

 

Overall it was a good day; I caught up with a friend & his wife (and his kids!) this afternoon, then rehearsed with a band in the evening.

 

I also had a DJ gig after rehearsal, and passed my neighbor MICHELLE hanging out with the downstairs neighbor again. As I walked to the gig, I kicked myself for not saying hello and mentioning it to them.

 

Anyway, at first I was having fun at the party - it's always fun to DJ to this crowd. But then I started wishing (as I usually do) that I had enough confidence to cold approach some cute girls there. So I started getting bummed out.

 

But then I checked my phone and lo and behold I had received a message from MISSY:

 

"ND40, I'm taking a break from okc but would love to continue our conversation. Feel free to email me at _____."

 

Wow. Naturally I was in a good mood the rest of the night.

 

And it got even better when I passed by a cute girl, made eye contact, she stopped and stared too, then said "ND40?" smiling.

 

It was my neighbor MICHELLE! We chatted very briefly and I said some really stupid stuff. She went to meet her friends and I figured that would be it. But I was glad just to have seen her and let her know that I do something fun and kinda cool on Saturday nights.

 

Suprisingly at closing time, I noticed she was still at the club... and she even came over to say hello and talk as we were packing out! All I remember is that she kept amazing eye contact, smiled, seemed a bit nervous, suggested at least 3 times that I should "hang out" with her and her friends, and asked for my number. Luckily I had a card handy, she told me her last name in return, then left.

 

When I got home I easily found her online and discovered that the guy I saw was her roomie, not bf (whew!), but that she's a very new agey EDM type which is almost my polar opposite... but who cares!

 

Finally contact has been made... and WITHOUT OKC!

[NorthDallas40]

So after my 2nd Big Brother outing today (during the 7 hours of which I found that my 12-yo Little is an INCREDIBLE drummer!!!), I did some OKC followup tonight:

 

- While I was on our outing, MISSY sent me an email answering a few questions I asked... and, most importantly, gave me her phone number! So tonight I left her a VM saying hello and for her to call me when she gets a chance.

 

- I called STEFANI, she picked up, and we discussed date options for this week. I offered her Mon or Wed and she said both were free for her, but she took Mon... which is tomorrow! I'm taking it as a good sign that she wants to meet sooner than later.

 

- I haven't heard from MICHELLE but I found her email address online so I'll send her a message tomorrow.

 

In other trivia, the road from my work to STEFANI's place goes right by the school WYNN teaches at... so I'll be reminded of Wynn every time I see Stefani. Awesome!

 

And the other night I had another dream about KATE. I don't remember much other than we were having sex and then she started acting cold & mean & distant... just like real life! (Note to brain: stop creating depressing dreams about Kate thx) =;

[Nightdriver]

I found that my 12-yo Little is an INCREDIBLE drummer!!!

 

Be sure to hook him up with some RUSH tabs. He'll never forget you.

[zentoCC]

Just curious, if MICHELLE is your neighbour why not knock on her door instead of emailing her?

[calichick007]

Just curious, if MICHELLE is your neighbour why not knock on her door instead of emailing her?

 

This. Especially since you just found the address, versus her giving it to you... I would find that completely creepy. It sounds like you guys have at least a friendly rapport so far - I wouldn't risk weirding her out.

[NorthDallas40]

This. Especially since you just found the address, versus her giving it to you... I would find that completely creepy. It sounds like you guys have at least a friendly rapport so far - I wouldn't risk weirding her out.

 

The main reason I was favoring an email is that we never seem to be home at the same time; she's usually with her friend downstairs when I see her at all. So her male roommate is more likely to be home than her. Plus if she *is* home, I'm not sure if I'd want to invite myself in - or invite her over - on the spot.

 

But points taken - I don't wanna seem creepy! I'm home this Wednesday night so I'll just put myself in college dorm mode, knock on the door and treat things casually like that.

 

And if I get her roommate instead, that might not be so bad; at that point I can send her a followup email mentioning that I came over and missed her. Or would that seem creepy too?

 

But just FYI - I'm not taking her interest as anything serious; just that she's young, enthusiastic and friendly. Not really counting on anything here.

[calichick007]

I would not send her an email at all, unless she gave you her email address herself.

[NorthDallas40]

I would not send her an email at all, unless she gave you her email address herself.

 

I think she was *about* to give me her contact info the other night when we talked, but once I gave her my business card first and asked for her last name (which she gave me with a smile), she stopped fishing in her purse for whatever she was getting out and we left it at that.

 

But her email (and number) were easy to find; I googled "her name + our city + yoga" and there they both were in the very first link.

 

But again, point taken - better safe than sorry. Or "better nice than creepy," as the case may be!

[calichick007]

Haha, yes! Unless you plan on moving sometime soon, you have plenty of time.