Online Dating for the 2nd Time - A Journal

[NorthDallas40]

From yesterday:

 

- I sent out 4 new OKC messages, no replies yet.

 

- From the weekend's messages I got a somewhat promising response from ELAINE (37) so I replied today.

 

- I also got a rather silly message from ZOE (33), who I originally messaged in December(!). She answered some of my conversation questions... then said she was looking for work in finance and asked me if I had any job leads (!?).

 

- Had my 2nd meetup with KAY last night, movie then dinner. Fun but purely platonic from both sides.

 

- I texted MARGARET yesterday about meeting up when I get back from vacation next week, but no reply yet.

[quirky]

Where do you find the energy to send all these messages..? And how is it possible that you find so many women you like their profile enough to message them?

[Blue Spiral]

Where do you find the energy to send all these messages..? And how is it possible that you find so many women you like their profile enough to message them?

 

Just speaking for myself: I've never had a problem with either of those things. If anything, there are so many hot women out there that it's hard to pick and choose. I say to myself, "I'm just going to look, I'm not going to initiate anything", and then I see the pics and then I've sent a dozen messages...

[NorthDallas40]

Where do you find the energy to send all these messages..?

 

It does become a grind, but I typically set aside 2-4 hours on Sunday morning to send about 15-30 messages.

 

Also I've had a lot of downtime at work lately, so I've been able to contact many women while "on the clock." Luckily my job is 100% ok with personal internet use as long as work is done correctly & on time.

 

And how is it possible that you find so many women you like their profile enough to message them?

 

One reason and one reason only: I live in one of the biggest cities in the USA.

 

When I do a search - even using my fairly narrow parameters - I get DOZENS of decent prospects (and even more not-so-decent ones), and there's new users signing up every week. There's never a shortage.

 

By contrast, using those same search preferences in my old hometown (a midsized college city) just today, I got about 16 results total. And there were only 1 or 2 I would have bothered messaging.

 

Online dating is a lot like the old real estate adage: LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION.

[quirky]

Haha..fair enough.

 

I only say this because I guess I am quite romantic and idealistic and I would hope that the guy that would message me doesn't message another 20 women. But I guess you're killing my idealism here..lol

 

Do you put all this effort because you really want a relationship? I can hardly be bothered, though I only joined last night so not very serious about it yet.

[NorthDallas40]

I would hope that the guy that would message me doesn't message another 20 women.

 

Well here's some perspective.

 

Imagine there's a guy who is so taken with your profile that he messages ONLY you and no others.

 

You get his message, it's ok, but his profile is nothing impressive. So you delete his message and continue on to the other 5 messages you received that day, from men who are much better matches.

 

Meanwhile the guy who liked your profile is waiting in vain for days & weeks hoping for your response, while you forgot about him 5 seconds after visiting his profile.

 

Now you did nothing wrong, and neither did he.

 

But lemme tell ya, I don't wanna be that guy!

 

Do you put all this effort because you really want a relationship?

 

That's the ONLY reason I'm doing it.

 

Ironically, on my last go-around on OKC I messaged about 30 women, got one response, I was the only person she responded to, we went on a date, hit it off wonderfully, we closed our accounts 2 weeks later, and we were together for a blissful year.

 

That was my ex KATE, who I mentioned at the beginning of this thread.

 

Now 1.5 years later, I'm messaging literally hundreds of women, have gone on about a dozen dates, and so far none of them have even remotely compared to her.

 

Life sure is a rollercoaster.

[quirky]

But lemme tell ya, I don't wanna be that guy!

 

Funny

 

Gawd, I never guessed it was so difficult. I mean.. I probably should, I've been single for 18 months but largely by choice I think. I am looking for a very unique kind of guy. Can I ask you something? My instict is to reply to all guys that send a decent message but I worry I will appear as 'Replies often' and my male friend said he is more drawn to women that 'reply selectively' so I chose not to reply a lot. What is your take on this?

 

Also do you only message girls that are good matches?

 

Today I had 54 visitors and 4 messages, I will probably reply to none.

[quirky]

Just speaking for myself: I've never had a problem with either of those things. If anything, there are so many hot women out there that it's hard to pick and choose. I say to myself, "I'm just going to look, I'm not going to initiate anything", and then I see the pics and then I've sent a dozen messages...

 

I guess for you it's different because you're looking for hook ups not relationships so you go strictly by looks.

[Blue Spiral]

I guess for you it's different because you're looking for hook ups not relationships so you go strictly by looks.

 

It is. Being evil is easy and time-saving. All this planning and coordination that ND40 does...good lord, I'm too lazy for that. (I used to be the hypothetical guy he described, the one who messaged one girl and waited and waited and got ignored, but...!)

[NorthDallas40]

My instict is to reply to all guys that send a decent message but I worry I will appear as 'Replies often' and my male friend said he is more drawn to women that 'reply selectively' so I chose not to reply a lot. What is your take on this?

 

I addressed those points earlier in the thread somewhere. But everyone has different opinions on what "replies often/selectively/frequently" means, so I wouldn't worry about it.

 

My advice is to reply ONLY to guys you actually might be interested in meeting IRL, and don't respond to any others.

 

This approach makes sure you're not wasting your time or anybody else's.

 

Also do you only message girls that are good matches

 

Nope, I also message girls who are simply attractive to me... as long as they seem somewhat sane and share my general views on life. You never know!

[quirky]

My advice is to reply ONLY to guys you actually might be interested in meeting IRL, and don't respond to any others.

 

How about if they've been nice and genuine in their message but I am not particularly attracted to their picture?

 

If I see guys that 'reply selectively' I am most likely not going to contact them because I am afraid of the rejection. But my male friend says he likes that because it means she's special. Funny how that works.

[NorthDallas40]

That's up to you.

 

Could you look past his bad looks and have sex with him if he was a great guy?

 

Or if you couldn't, is it worth your time chatting endlessly with him on email but never wanting to meet up?

[quirky]

I don't know really. Maybe his personality would combat the initial looks thing. And then yes, I could have sex with him. Provided the attraction was there. I think it's different for guys.

[NorthDallas40]

I was out of town for the past week, so my OKC & dating activities were put on hold. But here's a recap of what (little) went on:

 

MARGOT - I sent her a text on the 15th asking for a 2nd date when I got back into town on the 24th. She didn't answer, so on the 19th I left her a voicemail saying the same thing. That must have done the trick, as that night she texted "Hope you're having fun. Talk when you get back... safe travels!" I guess some women do prefer a call to a text.

 

KAY - She went out of town on the 22nd while I was still on vacation, so I texted her to have a safe trip. We had a short text exchange, and interestingly she said, "You were in my dream last night. You were really nice to me in the dream." Not sure if that means anything, or if I even care if it does!

 

KIM - On the 14th she had messaged me that she was going to be out of town for a week but still wanted to meet up. So last night I responded, "I'm back. Are you? Text me and I'll give you a call." She hasn't read the email yet, but from her online photo activity elsewhere I could see she's out of town *again*, so not much to do there. It's frustrating because she seems the best prospect so far, but she's always out of town and I still don't have her number.

 

CELINE - Hers was a new response from the 18th, and though it seemed noncommital, she did ask me a question about myself. So I replied that I was out of town and that I'd get back in touch with her tonight. I don't think we have much in common though.

 

ELAINE - On the 18th she said she was interested in meeting, so the next day I told her the same thing I told Celine. But like Celine, I don't think we have much in common.

 

LULA - We had a tentative (and ostensibly platonic) movie date set for this coming Monday, but she deleted her account today. Since I don't have her number, I'm considering her out of the picture.

 

And as I usually do while on OKC, I checked WYNN's page. Interestingly, she changed her "you should message me if" section to describe almost everything we did when we were dating in January, most of which were my ideas! I feel bittersweet about that. But I'm taking it as a good sign that she'd probably be receptive if I called her again.

 

In the meantime, tonight I'm hoping to arrange a 2nd date with MARGOT for this weekend and hopefully hear from KIM.

[Zuri]

My goodness. You are so outgoing! I've been reading from the beginning but I forgot: Why did you stop dating Wynn?

[Synerjist]

How are you getting so many dates with women online?! If I may sidetrack the thread a little. I've been doing this on-and-off for years and my messages never get replied to.

[NorthDallas40]

Shal - I was too close to my breakup with Kate to really give Wynn a fair chance. She was also quite short, which bothered me in a way I didn't expect, and she had some other traits that kept me from feeling 100% sure. But she's a great person and we're exceptionally compatible, so the potential is totally there. I just need to date other people right now to make sure there's not a better match, or else I'll always be feeling that I'm settling. And that wouldn't be fair to either of us.

 

Synerjist - You'd have to ask the women I've dated to get the answer to that question. I can only guess it's that I'm not ugly, I'm in shape, my profile is fairly well-written, and I write personalized 4-6 sentence introductory emails instead of stupid "Hey sexy" notes

 

I'd also like to point out that though I've probably messaged around 300 people in this go-around, I've only gone out with about 12 women... and only WYNN went past 2 dates.

 

-----------

 

Thankfully, KIM messaged me back just now and said she's back in town tomorrow (Thu) through Sunday. She suggested meeting on Fri or Sat, and I told her Friday works for me. I still don't have her number however, which keeps me from being able to take the lead, and leaves it wide open for her to flake. Still optimistic though.

[Synerjist]

Synerjist - You'd have to ask the women I've dated to get the answer to that question. I can only guess it's that I'm not ugly, I'm in shape, my profile is fairly well-written, and I write personalized 4-6 sentence introductory emails instead of stupid "Hey sexy" notes

 

Same here. I mean I'm probably no Johnny Depp (maybe a little... like 7.36% Johnny Depp... LOL!) but I'm batting .000 since I went single in early 2011. I've gone out with two women who messaged me first, but that's it.

 

Your ROI is pretty atrocious, still. The kind of time that has to go into that kinda return is stupid. I guess that's why I only browse and message occasionally anymore. At my work billing rate, I could add $1500 a month to my income writing unique, well-composed, six sentence letters to 300 people per. Dating sites need to seriously get their UX together. If that's the norm, it's a miserable excuse for a service.

[NorthDallas40]

Your ROI is pretty atrocious, still. Dating sites need to seriously get their UX together. If that's the norm, it's a miserable excuse for a service.

 

Haha! Well I wouldn't come to that conclusion. When I met my last ex Kate, I messaged a mere 30 girls, she was the only one I went out with, and we lasted a year. Not a bad ROI, IMO. Like dating IRL, it's all about timing in many instances.

 

And let's not ignore the fact that I'm 43 and - despite the amount of messaging - I'm fairly picky about how a girl looks. Those two factors alone are likely contributing to my lack of success vs. my amount of effort. If I was less discerning, I could easily take advantage of the several unsolicited messages per week I receive from women who seem perfectly fine, but just aren't my type.

[Synerjist]

Haha! Well I wouldn't come to that conclusion. When I met my last ex Kate, I messaged a mere 30 girls, she was the only one I went out with, and we lasted a year. Not a bad ROI, IMO. Like dating IRL, it's all about timing in many instances.

 

I must be A LOT uglier than I think/have been told, then. That's pretty depressing. I've gone so far, just to see, as trying to engage with women well below my socioeconomic status, level of education, fitness & style, etc. and still been ignored utterly. I'd take one reply in 30. That'd be acceptable. Not everyone's gonna be into you. I get that... but literally no one's into me apparently... even the morbidly obese. I think I need a therapist after this revelation.

[quirky]

Synerjist- have you had a female friend check your profile or the messages you send?

[NorthDallas40]

No big deal, but KATE IM'd me today about her reference for my Big Brother application. I felt a minor setback for about 30 minutes after not hearing from her since last month, but I actually became a little irritated at how she was handling it (not worth going into), so I didn't fall into any kind of "pining for my ex" whirlpool of despair afterwards. Time really does help.

 

Anyway, I caught up on the OKC prospects tonight:

 

MARGOT - Left her a voicemail about meeting up this weekend.

KAY - Texted her today to see how her work is doing out of town.

KIM - She messaged me this evening that Saturday would be better than Friday and I responded that she could call me tonight to discuss. She read the message but hasn't responded, and I STILL DON'T HAVE HER NUMBER!

CELINE - I sent a brief reply and suggested meeting up or chatting on the phone.

ELAINE - Ditto.

 

I also uploaded new photos & answered some questions on OKC last night & today, and it really upped the amount of people visiting my profile (a few of them actually attractive!). It also yielded 1 message to meet and 1 "rated you highly," neither of whom I'm interested in pursuing.

[Synerjist]

Synerjist- have you had a female friend check your profile or the messages you send?

 

Yeah, a couple of times. Got a pretty clear thumbs up both times. One said mine was "So much better written than soooooo many guys' profiles.". Also, she said she didn't know why I was getting tumbleweeds at all either, as I was one of the best looking guys she knew (I REALLY doubt that). I'm a pretty decent writer and an educated and articulate person overall.

 

My messages, too: I keep sensibly mature, a reasonable (but not overbearing) length, try to connect on something in common, be positive, and ask a question or two to create a genuine exchange. I've fielded this in the past with forums as well, gotten some good feedback... but for the most part, I don't think I've been too off the mark in the past. I've tried a number of angles as well, and even copied a few profiles that guys "swore" were gold... not anything that didn't match my persona, or was an outright lie... just the feel & framework. Switched out hobbies, work, and whatnot. The result: Nada. I'd love to see NorthDallas40's.

 

I'd like to think that I've got a lot going for for myself. I take care of myself, have dynamic interests, and am happy and accomplished in general... but apparently, that's not good enough even scraping at the bottom of the barrel. The ladies, all of them, want somethin' I ain't got.

[MyNinja]

Kim is not giving off a great first impression IMO. It seems she wants to have control. I think she will flake as soon as something doesn't seem right with her.

[NorthDallas40]

KIM sent me this predictable message today in response to meeting for dinner tomorrow:

 

"i am realizing that i may have prematurely joined okc.... i should have waited til work slowed down a bit, so that it was actually easier to meet someone in person. sorry about being so non-committal about my schedule.

 

do you think we could do something more mellow like coffee or ice cream midday. i actually have something at 6:30, and i am not sure how long it is going to last. "

 

Now before I hit "delete" and threw my phone out the window, I weighed the situation:

 

THE GOOD: I know for a fact that she has very busy travel schedule for work; the evidence is on her recent Instagram posts. She just got back in town Wed night and nixed Friday night because she needed to work late to prep for leaving again on Monday. So there's a decent chance she's actually telling the truth. And to her credit, she hasn't broken any dates yet, has kept to her word about scheduling, has always proposed back-up times when she's had to change this meetup, and has been appropriately apologetic when she did.

 

THE BAD: She could still just be a flake.

 

So considering both sides equally, I sent this response:

 

"Hm... a guy could feel he's getting the brush-off here! If that's the case, no worries - just let me know.

 

But if you truly *are* a victim of your job schedule... then apology accepted and I really do appreciate your efforts to make it work. It would be lovely to meet you at midday tomorrow.

 

Now I don't drink coffee or eat ice cream, so I'd typically suggest brunch at at ____, ____, or ____. But I'll leave it up to you.

 

Just send me a plan - or a polite rejection! - by 9pm tonight and we'll take it from there. And if it's the former, please include your phone number. I'm a sucker for etiquette and I want to be able to text you in case I decide to flake. "

 

I'll leave it to ENA to decide if I handled this with tact, dignity, humor, and aplomb. I'd like to think I did.