Married But In Love With Old Friend

[ggg]

I have a great wife that I love We've been married 3 years. About 1 year ago, a woman that I was "light" friends with came back into my life via work. I admit, it was I who instigated our reconnecting by hiring her for a short term project as we had worked together for a short time in the past.

 

This woman inspired my life very much when we first met, although our friendship never evolved due to her becoming pregnant with an ex that she still had feelings for. We did go on two "dates" but again, it did not evolve and the dates could have been interpreted as just friends hanging out. We lost touch due to her pregnancy and then she moved out of state when her and the father of her child decided to not stay together. Soon after, I met the woman who I would marry.

 

Now that we've reconnected, we've found that our friendship is deeper than before. I've been open with her about the feelings I "once" had for her. We also were together out of town for work for about a month. We saw each other each day, but never "crossed the line" physically. She would come by my hotel room and vice versa and we'd talk, etc. I would do favors for her like get her tea in the morning and probably compliment her more than I should have with words and texts. We shared our deeper thoughts with each other and spent a good amount of time alone together. She admitted to wanting to be keep a "deep friendship" with me for years to come. It was nearly impossible to not reach over and kiss her, but I remained true to my wife. I'm not entirely sure how this friend would have reacted to a kiss.

 

I just can't help being overwhelmed with emotion and feelings of love when I think of her. Now that our work is finished, we no longer see each other as often. She is out of state and her text messages have slowed down. We both hope to work together again as soon as an opportunity comes up.

 

I feel that I love my wife and this other woman. It seems impossible to be with both -- and I don't even know if this friend would want to pursue a relationship if I left my wife. They do know each other, but are only aquaintences. So they both know that nothing "strange" is going on. My wife trusts me.

 

I'd enjoy hearing what you all think about this. Any advice on what to do? Does this other woman feel the same for me? Is there a way to keep both women in my life? Are we just friends or is our friendship a form of mental cheating? I may be just imagining that this other woman has the same feelings for me. This is all very confusing and frustrating.......

 

thank you

[Stay_home]

If she's gone let her go. It isn't meant to be, that's why she keeps leaving. So don't keep trying to bring her back. If you've got a good situation at home, it isn't worth throwing it into the fire. Don't do it.

[annie24]

I think that this other woman is a fantasy - it's easy to get caught up in all these romantic feelings when the love is forbidden (you are married). Stop inviting her to your hotel room. Start focusing on your relationship with your wife. You both have your own separate lives, now don't go mess things up by doing something stupid.

[lavenderdove]

>>I remained true to my wife.

 

Actually you didn't if you are hanging out in hotel rooms with another woman talking about your feelings for her and swooning over her and wanting to kiss her. That is emotional infidelity which can be just as destructive as physical infidelity (as you have discovered).

 

What you need to do if you want to stay married is to stop playing with fire. You don't put yourself in 'compromising positions' with other women that can lead to the development of feelings and attractions and encourage them.

 

You're not 'in love' with this other woman, you just really excited at your little flirtation and the break from the familiarity of a marriage. It sure spiced up your life, didn't it?

 

but the aftereffects of this are never worth it. You could leave your wife, and this women say, 'we're really good friends but i'm not interested in a relationship with you.' Or she could turn out to be a big cheater, or a liar or any other number of things. You've really only had two dates and some hotel chats with her. So this is a woman who is a big fantasy for you, but not a reality. She doesn't even live where you live.

 

You don't hope to 'work together soon' you hope to go back to the excitement of playing with fire and having a flirtation your wife is totally unaware of. You're going underground and living a secret fantasy with another woman. Sorry, that is cheating.

 

Her text messages are slowing down because she realizes you are a married man living out a fantasy. There's not much in it for her and she's probably already met someone and is dating him.

 

You need to decide whether you want your marriage to work or not. If you want it to work, no more of this kind of fantasy relationship with other women. Stop texting and living this 'other life' with other women. dedicate yourself to your wife and pour the energy you spend fantasizing about someone else into your wife. Go new places with her, spice up your life.

 

Otherwise your wife WILL eventually catch on and get your phone records and see you intimate little texts with your fantasy woman and that will just lead to a nasty divorce where she'll blacken your name with everyone you know telling them what an awful and deceitful cheater you are. You don't want to go there, so make up your mind to commit to your marriage and drop this other woman entirely and cut contact, or make the decision your marriage is unhappy and get a counselor, or so unhappy that you should leave.

[ThatwasThen]

It was nearly impossible to not reach over and kiss her, but I remained true to my wife.

The minute you crossed some very fundamental relationship boundaries you opened yourself up to becoming emotionally connected to this woman and thus betraying the emotional bond that you were meant to share with your wife and only your wife. So as Lavendove has already pointed out... you did NOT remain true at all.

 

Don't be keeping yourself embroiled in your inappropriate crush by continuing to chat online (or elsewhere) with this woman. Do not go out of your way to secure any further employment where you work either. You are being disrespectful to yourself and your wife with whom you promised to 'forsake all others' for when you married her. Everytime your thoughts turn to this other woman, you are cheating your wife out of the new relationship energy that should be reserved for you and your wife and no one else.

 

Put those thoughts and that energy into renewing the emotional and sexual tension into your marital union and your significant other. Anything else is you cheating yourself and more importantly the wife the loves you and deserves to reap what you bestow upon a schoolboy crush. Pfffft.

[ggg]

Thanks so much for the words of advice. I've gotten myself into a difficult emotional situation - even to the point of sometimes selfishly wishing I could have two wives. That's absurd lol. If I do communicate at all with the other woman I need to just think of her as a regular friend and be careful to not treat her any different.

[lemondust]

As far as I can see....there is no confusion necessary. You are married to a woman you say you love......what's hard to work out beyond that?

 

How would you feel if your wife liked another man, and was wishing she could have two husbands? Would you want her to respect you and cut all ties with him....or would you be happy for her to pursue something more with him?

[astfar]

Hi Annie24

 

I think that this other woman is a fantasy - it's easy to get caught up in all these romantic feelings when the love is forbidden (you are married). Stop inviting her to your hotel room. Start focusing on your relationship with your wife. You both have your own separate lives, now don't go mess things up by doing something stupid.

 

You cannot imagine how you helped me. I joined this site today to get some advice on how to deal with my own predicament and your words are exactly what I need to hear to sort myself out. Brilliant. Thank you.

[astfar]

Thank you. I enjoyed Annie24's response and her "reality check" nailing the entire context as fantasy. You have added more details which really allow me to work further on this and sort myself out. You guys are so helpful. By the way: i was looking for insights in link removed, but your site is different. I enjoy your down to earth and practical solution oriented approach. I will keep exploring, Cheers

[Capricorn3]

I've gotten myself into a difficult emotional situation - even to the point of sometimes selfishly wishing I could have two wives. That's absurd lol. If I do communicate at all with the other woman I need to just think of her as a regular friend and be careful to not treat her any different.

I think you are delusional if you think you'll treat her as a "regular friend", when you have feelings for her. I agree with others - you are enjoying the ego boost and excitement this gave you and don't want to let it go. So yes, you are right, you are being selfish.

 

How would YOU like it if your wife was doing this behind YOUR back and claimed that she really loves you?

[ggg]

Ok, its almost a year later now from when I started this thread. I still have intense feelings of wanting to be with this friend of mine. We talk once a week on the phone about work and she is still out of state. Our interactions aren't flirtatious and she knows my wife but they aren't close friends. This friend of mine even visited the city I live in for a work event and stayed at my house one night (in separate room of course!) This friend MUST know that I have feelings for her, but she doesn't seem to be doing anything outside of normal friendly interaction. I still feel torn with things because I do care for my wife, but just can't stop thinking about how much I care for this friend. Its hard to say, but I am in love with her. I don't want to say this to her because it could potentially ruin our friendship, ruin my marriage, and create all sorts of problems. However, should I not be holding down my true desires? At least if I talk to this friend about my true feelings I could move on.

[mhowe]

If she has any moral fiber....you expressing your "true desires" will end the friendship.

You should seek counseling with your pastor and recommit to your marriage vows...."forsaking all other"....remember?

 

Part of being an adult is accepting that our desires/fantasy are not needed to be acted out.

[Capricorn3]

However, should I not be holding down my true desires? At least if I talk to this friend about my true feelings I could move on.

How about you talk to your WIFE about your true feelings you have for another woman? Your WIFE has more right to know about your feelings than the other woman. You claim to "love" your wife, but it certainly doesn't look that way.

 

It seems you want this other woman, but keep your marriage too. It doesn't work that way. You can't have your cake and eat it too. Make up your mind WHO you really want to be with and then stick to it. If you choose the other women, then tell your wife and get a divorce.

[HeartGoesOn]

However, should I not be holding down my true desires? At least if I talk to this friend about my true feelings I could move on.

 

Be careful what you wish for...

[Lorem Ipsum]

At least if I talk to this friend about my true feelings I could move on.

The person you should be talking about this is a therapist. Seriously, you "care" for your wife but you don't love her? You're consumed by thoughts of another woman, yet you won't leave your wife. You need to really talk this out with a neutral third party and get ahold of your emotions and motivations. Talking it over with the other woman isn't going to help. Talking about it to your wife, that's going to end your marriage. I get the feeling that if you knew for certain that your "friend" wanted you, you would be out of your marriage in a heartbeat. If that's the case, and I think that is what you need to get down to the bottom of in therapy, you owe it to your wife to leave her before you cross that line.

[abitbroken]

Please end the phone calls. You don't NEED to speak with her because you are no longer working on the same project. You have intense feelings because you want to have them. It is as simple as stopping. Telling her that you no longer think your calls are appropriate being that you are married and you valued the friendship and wish her the best but you now have to end this. Then block her number. You need to do this for your marriage. It doesn't matter if the other woman is not acting "flirty" - it is what it is doing to you inside. You are the one acting inappropriately. Quitting her is the first step. Maybe later you will explore through therapy what made you weak to this woman. But for now, first things first - like putting aside the bottle or the pipe.

[Lester]

So I can understand...

Your wife is not "close friends" with this woman but she stayed overnight at your house while you and your wife are in the next room?

[ggg]

Yes, they are not close friends but acquaintances. I was sure to ask my wife if it was ok when she was in town to stay a night to help offset hotel costs (She was here for a convention that we had to attend, but all hotel nights were not covered).

[Lester]

You started cheating last year and now for laughs and giggles have notched it up to the sick and scary.

You will lose your wife and be stuck with, (not for long... the thrill will quicky fade), the creepy office girl.

 

Your problem is not your wife, office whatever girl or others... it's you thinking you are different.

 

Stop kidding yourself, (yes only you), and post in infidelity.

[abitbroken]

Your wife thinks that she is just a casual friend - someone you used to work with and when she comes to town you might say hello or you may catch up once in a blue moon for networking purposes. Your wife has no idea of the intimacy of your friendship - or she may suspect something is amiss but doesn't know what (ie, your sex life is off or you stopped sharing intimate emotions with you). Please for your sake and your wife's cut off this EMOTIONAL AFFAIR