Natasha24 Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 I've been with my boyfriend for about 7 months, we get along great. Lately he's been hanging out with a girl from work, who has admitted that she likes him. I told him I don't mind if he hangs out with women, as long as its not too "date like", he agreed. Tonight, he went to her house to watch a movie and have dinner with her parents. I'm trying not to be overly jealous, but I find that inappropriate. All my friends say to dump him, but that's a little extreme. We have already talked about this, he knows it makes me uncomfortable. What else can I do? Link to comment
shellyf62 Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 If they were long term friends, know each other for years, grew up together, best friends etc then yes....but absolutely not someone he just met. She is planning on pushing you out of the way, just be ready for it Link to comment
RedDress Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 I agree that's completely inappropriate. If she has admitted she has feelings, she is not a friend, she is a "friend". Someone who is posing as a friend but really wants to get into his pants (both men and women do this). It's ok to hang out with colleagues (although not usually at their house alone - that's kinda comfy). It's ok to hang out with the opposite sex, IMO, if you have a legitimate basis for friendship (they are on the same softball team, have been for years and are having a drink after the game with others invited whether they come or not, for example). But it's weird to hang out with someone who admittedly wants to get into your pants. At minimum, it's sending mixed signals. I'd throw up a boundary for sure. If he's reasonable, he will understand why that makes you uncomfortable. If he's not reasonable about it, maybe there's more there than he would like to admit... especially if he's willing to lose you over it. Link to comment
periwinkle00 Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 I'm gonna have to agree with reddress. It's just weird. Were her parents there during the movie? Why would he meet her parents, unless they're on equal ground, like peers (you know how some parents are more like friends than parents). Still..why her house? I don't get it..and yet, he's being honest with you, like he has nothing to hide. Link to comment
MapleCanuck Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 It's not friends if one wants the other. It's teasing on his part or even worse, hidden interest. I would break up with someone who doesn't show respect for boundaries or your feelings. He should be hanging with your parents, not hers. Link to comment
Fudgie Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 That's very inappropriate and I wouldn't be happy. She said that she likes him. He shouldn't be friends with her then. When you talk to him about this, what does he say? Link to comment
capilot Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 Tonight, he went to her house to watch a movie and have dinner with her parents. Why weren't you invited? How do you know her parents were actually there? He'd better have very satisfactory answers to those two questions. It's not appropriate for him to be alone with her. It's not appropriate to go to her house to watch movies. It's not appropriate for him to socialize with her in any way without inviting you. I used to be relaxed about this stuff, but now I've been cheated on and have a much better idea of what boundaries should exist. ETA: I agree with all the other comments as well. Link to comment
Natasha24 Posted March 22, 2013 Author Share Posted March 22, 2013 He kind of shrugs it off whenever I try to talk about it. This is literally how the conversation went last night: Me: it makes me uncomfortable that you go to her house alone Him: (rolls eyes) Okay.. A few minutes pass, neither of us say anything Me: so are you going to stop going to her house? Him: I don't know. I'm not going to stop hanging out with my friends Me: I don't want you to stop hanging out with your friends, but she likes you and you're sending her messages by going to her house like that Him: no I'm not Me: come on, you would be upset if I took a guy home to have dinner with my parents Him: I wouldn't care End of discussion There's really not much else I can do. He knows it bothers me but he thinks I'm being stupid. I'm at a loss for what to do. He got all worked up because I added a male friend on FB ( met him through mutual friends), but he thinks going to her house is okay. I don't get it. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 I am very lenient and liberal about opposite sex friendships but what he is doing is inappropriate. Tell him it's not ok with you and there need to be some boundaries with opposite sex friends especially if the opposite sex friend is attracted (to be completely lenient, I'd say that's ok as long as he has extra boundaries so as not to lead her on -meaning, you have to be at least invited to come to any activities and if you can't make it, that's ok but then going to her house or she going to his is inappropriate). My impression -he's flattered by the attention he gets from her and he's suggested or implied that if things don't work out between you two she's next in line. Link to comment
Huntress0527 Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 Completely inappropriate. This girl is trying to be his girlfriend. He discounts your feelings about the supposed friendship as well which says to me he has feelings for her as well or he's enjoying the ego boost of being with someone who he knows likes him in a romantic way which is wrong. Dump him. Link to comment
Edmund Exley Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 That sounds like a date to me Link to comment
RedDress Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 He knows it bothers me but he thinks I'm being stupid. There are a few things that bother me about the conversation that you wrote about. When people care about you, they would also care that you are uncomfortable. Usually, (when it's innocent), people will try to understand why you are uncomfortable and give you reasons why they don't think you should feel uncomfortable. It's a discussion. Also, if you accuse them of sending mixed messages, they don't just say "no I'm not". They defend themselves. They explain why it's not mixed messages. He's not even humoring your feelings. Here's the translated conversation: Me: it makes me uncomfortable that you go to her house alone Him: (rolls eyes) Okay.. Translation: Uh huh A few minutes pass, neither of us say anything Me: so are you going to stop going to her house? Him: I don't know. I'm not going to stop hanging out with my friends Translation: I don't care that you are uncomfortable and I'm not going to stop. Suck it up. Me: I don't want you to stop hanging out with your friends, but she likes you and you're sending her messages by going to her house like that Him: no I'm not Translation: I have nothing to say to this, so I will resort to school yard tactics of "did not", "did too" Me: come on, you would be upset if I took a guy home to have dinner with my parents Him: I wouldn't care Translation: It's a trap! Deny, deny, deny I don't think he thinks you are being stupid (or he would try to argue why he thinks you are being stupid). I think he just doesn't care. Not even enough to bother engaging you in the conversation - because he's going to do what he's going to do anyways. I'd give him one more chance at the argument.... and yeah... if it keeps going this way, break up. A partner is supposed to care about each other's feelings. While it's normal to disagree, he's not even trying to make you feel better about it. That should be the bare minimum. Link to comment
Natasha24 Posted March 22, 2013 Author Share Posted March 22, 2013 Well he just cancelled our plans for tonight, saying he "wants a night to himself". I can see where this is going.. I'll keep you guys updated. Link to comment
Huntress0527 Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 I wouldn't tolerate the behavior if I was you and just end it now. He's already pulling away and you're worth more than what you're getting. Link to comment
blueidealist24 Posted March 23, 2013 Share Posted March 23, 2013 Well he just cancelled our plans for tonight, saying he "wants a night to himself". I can see where this is going.. I'll keep you guys updated. Possibly going over to the other chick's place.. Link to comment
Fudgie Posted March 23, 2013 Share Posted March 23, 2013 If you do see him again, I wouldn't have sex with him unprotected. It's very possible that he's sticking it inside of her and you don't want to get whatever disease she may have. A lady who likes to take attached guys are probably not "clean" down there so watch out. Link to comment
blueidealist24 Posted March 23, 2013 Share Posted March 23, 2013 If you do see him again, I wouldn't have sex with him unprotected. It's very possible that he's sticking it inside of her and you don't want to get whatever disease she may have. A lady who likes to take attached guys are probably not "clean" down there so watch out. Yeah, that's true, ESPECIALLY if this is that same guy who wanted you to have sex without a condom.. which I believe it is since that was less than seven months ago, IIRC. Link to comment
Fudgie Posted March 23, 2013 Share Posted March 23, 2013 Yeah, that's true, ESPECIALLY if this is that same guy who wanted you to have sex without a condom.. which I believe it is since that was less than seven months ago, IIRC. Oh my God, I forgot all about that. You posted about that, right OP? I think that was you. Please be careful. Link to comment
periwinkle00 Posted March 23, 2013 Share Posted March 23, 2013 It could be that they're magnetized to one another, and you know, it's very possible that they just have a deep relationship (friendship). I tend to only make close friends with people who I'm attracted to, but it ends there, and the hangouts end up being pretty far apart in the end, in order to not lead the other person on. Link to comment
Natasha24 Posted March 23, 2013 Author Share Posted March 23, 2013 Thanks for the replies everyone. Yes, this is the same guy who wanted me to have sex without condoms (you guys have awesome memories!) We never did it without condoms, but he still bugs me about it. I was texting with him today, and he was saying a lot of vague things like "I have a lot on my mind", "I'm confused right now", "I'm not sure what's going on". I said this is a conversation we need to have in person since it sounds like he wants to break up. He says he doesn't want to break up, but he's making very little effort to come see me. He can't come tonight because he plans on having "a drink or two", so I suggested not drinking then, and he declined. I don't know. I'm done bending over backwards for this guy, I feel stupid. Ill just do my own thing and whenever he decides to come around to talk, we will. I'm too old for these games! Lol Link to comment
Doc Blaze Posted March 23, 2013 Share Posted March 23, 2013 no effort at all...i would end it with him Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 23, 2013 Share Posted March 23, 2013 He chose alcohol over you and after he knew how upset you were about his dinner the other night. No need to see him to break up. Just move on and let someone else see your awesomeness. What a jerk. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted March 23, 2013 Share Posted March 23, 2013 Well he just cancelled our plans for tonight, saying he "wants a night to himself". I can see where this is going.. I'll keep you guys updated. I would tell him he can now have every night to himself. What is there to talk about, since you already have all the information that you need? Link to comment
periwinkle00 Posted March 23, 2013 Share Posted March 23, 2013 "He says he doesn't want to break up, but he's making very little effort to come see me." Just went through this, myself. Link to comment
capilot Posted March 26, 2013 Share Posted March 26, 2013 Me: come on, you would be upset if I took a guy home to have dinner with my parents Him: I wouldn't care Oh dear. I have to admit I've been the guy in that exact conversation. I was friends with my ex (still am) and she used to come over once a week to work on a project with me. Drove my current girlfriend absolutely up a tree and we fought hard about it on a regular basis. Here's the thing: I think it's ok to be friends with your ex. In fact, I think it's admirable to be friends with your ex. We weren't sleeping together and we never would. We weren't hanging around the house watching movies together or doing other "date" things. We were in my garage working with power tools. Also, my girlfriend was absolutely invited to hang out with us. It was only her jealousy that kept her from doing so. I never cheated on my girlfriend or anything close. On many occasions my ex and her new husband invited my girlfriend and I over to socialize, but my girlfriend always resisted. I never did anything to earn her jealousy, but there it was. So my girlfriend said that because I was hanging out with my ex once a week, she was going to start having male friends over to her house that same night to start a garage band. To me, that was a perfectly reasonable thing to do and I totally didn't care. I even encouraged it. It never occurred to me that she would cheat on me or that I would cheat on her. The thing was, her ex husband had cheated on her. It made her paranoid and anxious. I totally didn't understand where she was coming from. Now that I've been cheated on myself, I get where she's coming from. Knowing what I know now, I would never allow a girlfriend to hang out with an ex one-on-one. Certainly not in a "dating" context as your boyfriend is doing. The next time I run into that girlfriend who was so jealous, I'm going to sit her down and apologize. I never cheated on her or gave her any reason to be jealous, but I was also totally oblivious to her feelings. Link to comment
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