vesper Posted March 20, 2013 Share Posted March 20, 2013 I feel like a fool. I asked him to be my boyfriend, he said that it's too early that he is still getting to know me . We've been out 4 times and had sex. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 20, 2013 Share Posted March 20, 2013 Don't feel like a fool -4 dates often is not enough and it's irrelevant that you had sex with him as far as being ready. I would continue dating him for another month or two and see if he brings it up. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted March 20, 2013 Share Posted March 20, 2013 Nothing to feel foolish about. Plenty of people have decided to be in an official relationship after 4 dates so there was nothing wrong with asking him since you felt you were ready for that step. Everyone has their own pace on these things. Having sex with him is irrelevant since typically when people have sex soon after starting to date it is usually about the entertainment value of sex rather than about any kind of serious intention and connection. Plenty of people who date and have sex with each other never progress to the relationship stage...or they eventually do but their goal was sex immediately and then they take their time deciding if they want a relationship with the person. Link to comment
catcountry Posted March 20, 2013 Share Posted March 20, 2013 My opinion differs from Batya's. While I can agree that 4 dates isn't enough to decide whether you want to be exclusive with someone.....WHY? ....is it enough to have sex with that someone? It's like giving the cow away for free......Why would he buy it, if he get's it for free? Link to comment
catcountry Posted March 20, 2013 Share Posted March 20, 2013 Nothing to feel foolish about. Plenty of people have decided to be in an official relationship after 4 dates so there was nothing wrong with asking him since you felt you were ready for that step. Everyone has their own pace on these things. Having sex with him is irrelevant since typically when people have sex soon after starting to date it is usually about the entertainment value of sex rather than about any kind of serious intention and connection. Plenty of people who date and have sex with each other never progress to the relationship stage...or they eventually do but their goal was sex immediately and then they take their time deciding if they want a relationship with the person. Hmmmmm...guess I'm a bit different. I wouldn't have sex with someone unless there was a commitment. Maybe I'm a bit old fashioned in that way. Link to comment
quirky Posted March 20, 2013 Share Posted March 20, 2013 How come did you ask him? What are you thinking of doing now? If you continue to hang out with him you need to chill and not be attached already. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted March 20, 2013 Share Posted March 20, 2013 Kay, well that was fast. I think it was a bit too fast, but not the end of the world. He wants to get to know you...sounds good. Why the rush? Link to comment
calichick007 Posted March 20, 2013 Share Posted March 20, 2013 My opinion differs from Batya's. While I can agree that 4 dates isn't enough to decide whether you want to be exclusive with someone.....WHY? ....is it enough to have sex with that someone? It's like giving the cow away for free......Why would he buy it, if he get's it for free? I tend to agree. This is not to say it can't work out, but I am a fan of sex coming after the relationship has been defined. Especially for someone like sielo who has big time attachment issues. Link to comment
LoveSoDeep Posted March 20, 2013 Share Posted March 20, 2013 I think the fact that he agreed to see you again after you had sex with him and then proceeded to revealed every aspect of your personal and medical history to him....if he's not freaked out that you asked so early just forget about it for a few months and try to enjoy getting to know him....if you can. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 20, 2013 Share Posted March 20, 2013 My opinion differs from Batya's. While I can agree that 4 dates isn't enough to decide whether you want to be exclusive with someone.....WHY? ....is it enough to have sex with that someone? It's like giving the cow away for free......Why would he buy it, if he get's it for free? I was focusing on the 4 dates and suggesting that she not assume that sex makes the commitment time move faster. I never took the approach the OP did because I knew I would get too emotionally attached through sex and expect more of a commitment. I know of several happily married couples who had sex very early on and in one case, the first night they met. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted March 20, 2013 Share Posted March 20, 2013 Hmmmmm...guess I'm a bit different. I wouldn't have sex with someone unless there was a commitment. Maybe I'm a bit old fashioned in that way. I wouldn't either..but it seems the majority of people rush into sex soon after meeting, before they even know if a relationship is in the cards...sometimes a relationship comes out of it, sometimes not. My point was that sex that early on is usually about lust and entertainment, nothing deeper. Link to comment
rocko123 Posted March 20, 2013 Share Posted March 20, 2013 Is this the guy who you said was perfect and that God had brought to you after 2 dates? I think you have the tendency to move a little fast, clearly faster than him. Sex, of course, is outside of that for him because most guys will go for the opportunity to sleep with a woman they find attractive. But don't feel foolish. Romance and all of its accompanying feelings make fools of us all at some point or another. Just try to learn from it. Learn to take things a little bit more slowly and get to know someone before you jump in all gung ho. Link to comment
HeatherB Posted March 20, 2013 Share Posted March 20, 2013 What's all the rush? Are you on a relationship deadline or something? Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted March 20, 2013 Share Posted March 20, 2013 I'll never understand why in the majority of relationships, it's too early for this, too early for that, yet it's never too early for sex. When the goods are given for free, it's too late to set the price. Link to comment
calichick007 Posted March 20, 2013 Share Posted March 20, 2013 I'll never understand why in the majority of relationships, it's too early for this, too early for that, yet it's never too early for sex. I cannot rep you enough for this!! Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted March 20, 2013 Share Posted March 20, 2013 I'll never understand why in the majority of relationships, it's too early for this, too early for that, yet it's never too early for sex. When the goods are given for free, it's too late to set the price. I second this post. Link to comment
Blue Spiral Posted March 20, 2013 Share Posted March 20, 2013 I'll never understand why in the majority of relationships, it's too early for this, too early for that, yet it's never too early for sex. When the goods are given for free, it's too late to set the price. I thought that was illegal, and I also thought that objectifying women was bad. Are we admitting that women use sex (or the withholding of it) to get what they want? Because, frankly, things would be a lot easier for all of us if someone would just admit that. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted March 20, 2013 Share Posted March 20, 2013 I thought that was illegal, and I also thought that objectifying women was bad. Are we admitting that women use sex (or the withholding of it) to get what they want? Because, frankly, things would be a lot easier for all of us if someone would just admit that. I was not referring to any particular gender, I was simply stating my opinion. Link to comment
Blue Spiral Posted March 21, 2013 Share Posted March 21, 2013 I was not referring to any particular gender, I was simply stating my opinion. My bad. In that case, I'd love to know what "goods" men are giving and what the "price" is. Link to comment
savignon Posted March 21, 2013 Share Posted March 21, 2013 My bad. In that case, I'd love to know what "goods" men are giving and what the "price" is. She's saying that it's not for sale in that you can't assume that if you sleep with someone that means you've bought yourself a relationship. She's making a metaphor ...not speaking literally. Link to comment
vesper Posted March 22, 2013 Author Share Posted March 22, 2013 I just keep waiting for him to call me or text me and he has not. Is there any way of salvation from this? Should I hang back and just let him take the initiative to contact me? Is it too late that now that I have had sex with him he will never contact me again? I really want to contact him but my mom said not to contact him, is that playing games? how should go about contacting him in this stage of the relationship that we had sex and thats it Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 Honestly sielo, I would leave it up to him. And I don't think the reason he isn't contacting you is because you had sex with him - it's because you had sex with him and then dumped waaaay to much emotional/personal information on him. If you hadn't slept with him, do you think you would have told him what you did? Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 I wouldn't contact him - my sense is he's uncomfortable that you two are at different stages as far as you wanting a commitment and he is not ready so he's stepping back to think about what to do next. Link to comment
rocko123 Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 I just keep waiting for him to call me or text me and he has not. Is there any way of salvation from this? Should I hang back and just let him take the initiative to contact me? Is it too late that now that I have had sex with him he will never contact me again? I really want to contact him but my mom said not to contact him, is that playing games? how should go about contacting him in this stage of the relationship that we had sex and thats it Just out of curiosity, have you had any time recently (within the past few years) where you were single and not looking for a relationship? Are you comfortable being alone? I'm also a divorcee and have had my ups and downs with emotional issues since my divorce. I know how hard it can be to feel like you're alone but I'm learning to embrace it. Speaking from recent personal experience, it sounds to me like you've got some work to do on you. I don't think you're going to find what you're looking for in someone else right now. Check out Rebuilding by Bruce Fisher. It really helped me. Link to comment
vesper Posted March 22, 2013 Author Share Posted March 22, 2013 I have been alone a very long time since my divorce I have dated maybe 3 times just sperratically. I dont want this to turn into another sperratic thing, but it seems to have. I really like him and I want him to contact me, but friends all seem to say that he just has used me for sex. That isnt true is it? We went out on dates . Link to comment
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