I need someone to knock some sense into me

[Cherry009]

I started a thread before about a guy i had been on 3 dates with and i wasnt sure if he was playing hard to get or losing interest. Well he lost interest! Our 3 dates were great, we had lots in common, he talked about feeling a connection with me, we seemed to be looking for the same thing. We were both attracted to each other and he said a few times that he thought this could be the start of something. He gave me plenty of compliments and even hinted a few times that i was out of his league. 4 days after our 3rd date he just disappeared off the face of the earth, completely cut me off, deleted me from facebook and just totally ignored me.

 

I know this kind of situation happens all the time but i just can't get my head around how someone can be soooooo into you one day and then literally 4 days later they cut you out their life for good. I feel like he was laughing at me the whole time he was saying all those nice things to me, i feel like a fool for believing it. I just need someone to talk some sense into me, i know guys do this and i know you should take notice of actions and not words, but before he disappeared his actions made me think he liked me as well. I am annoyed with myself for caring about this, it was only 3 dates for goodness sake. It is messing with my head the way he can say so much stuff to me about liking me and then disappear, why do people do this?! was it all just BS? well it must have been! i just cant get my head around it, he seemed like such a nice/decent guy.

[lor90236]

I know it sucks, but at least he cut it off now and not down the road where more feelings could have grown. I know its hard but try to just make this a learning situation and don't beat yourself up about it. Also, don't think about him laughing at you...if anything you are the bigger person in this situation, so just wish him well and move on. Every day will get easier!

[Justme3]

It takes times to get over such blatant disrespect. It says a lot about the person.

[Cheetarah]

It was only a few dates - I know. Someone could have the decency, etc etc to just say "I'm not feeling this." Had you felt wishy washy about the entire thing, this would not even bother you for more than a day. You would have chalked it up to part of the dating game. People do this. Many. It doesn't necessarily mean they're ogres, but evidently they're not for you!

 

You are investing even more of yourself into this now by wondering if it was some crazy head game, if he was having fun at the expense of your emotions, so on and so forth.

 

There's no one straight answer why people do that. There's tons of reasons. More than likely, he probably was dating others at the same time and decided to pursue something further.

 

Are you fresh back into the dating pool recently after a bad break-up or extended hiatus?

[zep]

When this happens to me I just think of all the reasons the guy was messed up. I mean, surely this guy wasn't absolutely perfect Price Charming. Of course with a bit of time you'll be able to see it realistically for what it was- not everyone is a match and for whatever reason he saw that you two weren't a match before you did.

 

But until you stop taking it personally just turn your internal dialogue against him and how you dodged a bullet because he sucked.

[amipushy]

If he did that its about him, not you. What he did just shows that he has an inability to face up to stuff, to be honest in his intentions, too weak to deal with it in a mature fashion. Instead he choose to run away....You dodged a bullet.

 

If I was you, I would give it some time then post some things on FB showing him that what he did has not affected you in the slightest and you are out having a blast! But thats me.

[Trinity11]

I have the same issue with guys...I dont know what it is..you don't need to pretend. Its infuriating and frustrating to be left wondering what the??

And it does take a little time to get over it because there is no reason, and you thought they had potential!

[Cherry009]

Yeah i know i should just not give a damn but it just makes me wonder what had changed in 4 days. He told me that he hadn't been back on the site and that he was going to go off it, what a load of BS! yeah maybe he was talking to others.

 

A part of me wonders if he just wanted sex, 3rd date i went over to his, we kissed but he kept trying to go further, but still denying he was after actual full sex, yet he went beyond what i was expecting.(i had to battle to keep my top on once or twice) I let him know that nothing was going to go on that day. He also wanted me to stay over but i said no. Looking back he probably did just want sex, although he went along with me when i was saying that sex was off the menu, he would agree and say that he wasnt expecting that, but was still getting frisky with me.

[Cherry009]

I know deep down i dodged a bullet, he showed me his level of maturity when he just cut me off. Still annoys me how in the beginning he came accross as such a decent guy ( well not so much on the 3rd date)

[lostnscared]

I know deep down i dodged a bullet, he showed me his level of maturity when he just cut me off. Still annoys me how in the beginning he came accross as such a decent guy ( well not so much on the 3rd date)

 

Could be or could not be. The good thing about dating is that it helps you weed out the men who are genuinely interested and the men who are not. Actions speak louder than words. He might have been saying all the right things. hoping he could get you in bed and when he couldn't and realized you weren't easy he bailed. OR he could have been saying what he meant, but then something happened that turned him off(it could be something that isn't really your fault just a habit or behavior or something about you that he later on found didn't mesh with him) OR he could have realized he wasn't ready and just wanted to date around... And the list goes on. There are too many reasons to try to analyze it, that is why it's best to just use it as a lesson and move forward. In the future, one thing I'd advise is to never put your eggs in one basket until that person is exclusive with you(this means CONTINUE to date around until the right man makes a commitment to be your boyfriend). That way you aren't so emotionally invested.

[Cherry009]

You are right, it could have been anything and i will never know so there is no point in thinking or caring about it. I am really trying to let it go, its just had without any explanation at all.

 

I do have a habit of just chatting to one guy at a time when online dating, once it seems to go well with one i lose interest in talking to anyone else, i know i should though. Well now i am having a rest from dating, not because of this recent guy but because i generally feel burnt out from dating. I have had nothing but disasters and disappointment throughout my dating life, im tired of making all the effort and giving it my all to just be let down time and time again.

[Angel Irulan]

Did you sleep with him? Did he ask you to? It's something of a cultural phenomenon in the city I live in that when you don't sleep with a date by date four, you never get date five. Sooo many women, both younger and older have reported this! I wonder if it's a local social sexual phenomenon, by chance, that he dumped you? After all, he could have unknown to you been in it only for SEX?

Angel

[Sportster2005]

I

 

I know this kind of situation happens all the time but i just can't get my head around how someone can be soooooo into you one day and then literally 4 days later they cut you out their life for good.

 

Your reasoning may be faulty. You believed he was into you. That may not be, and probably isn't the truth. The fact he disappeared so easily lends itself to the conclusion he wasn't into you.

 

This might be a classic case of paying too much attention to what someone says, instead of observing his actions. His actions are speaking more clearly than what he told you. Sorry, I don't think he was into you at all. Why did he pretend? Manipulation, plain and simple.

[Cherry009]

. Sorry, I don't think he was into you at all. Why did he pretend? Manipulation, plain and simple.

 

Why would he want to manipulate me? what would be the point if he wasnt into me?

[lostnscared]

Why would he want to manipulate me? what would be the point if he wasnt into me?

 

To have sex with you. That is why it's way more beneficial in the beginning stages(for women) to watch a man's actions MORE so than his words. Men might say somethings to you to lure you in bed, such as "I've never met a girl as great as you", "I can see myself getting in a relationship with you" etc, etc. The reason why these types of words and phrases should be taken with a grain of salt, in the beginning(the first few dates) is because truthfully MEN and women are not alike(at least when it comes to how they process relationships)... It takes a while for a man to really be able to process his emotions and feelings and decide whether or not he can TRULY see himself dating a particular woman, so if he's saying those types of phrases very quickly and when you are first getting to know him, KNOW that more often than not he's saying those words because A)He's getting carried away by your looks and thinking with his peen B)He's thinking with his peen and is trying to lure you in bed. Based on what you said about him, he probably was trying to get in your pants and was saying what he thought you wanted to hear in order to make you feel more comfortable about it, which is why it was manipulative.

[EssexMan]

I do have a habit of just chatting to one guy at a time when online dating, once it seems to go well with one i lose interest in talking to anyone else

 

I agree it's a good idea to at least keep talking to others until the exclusive stage. You don't have to actually date them, but burning all your bridges will tend to reinforce in your mind that somebody is "the one" when it's too early for that.

[Cherry009]

Ah i see what you mean. That makes total sense. So glad i didnt have sex with him. i wouldnt do that on the 3rd date ever.

[Sportster2005]

Why would he want to manipulate me? what would be the point if he wasnt into me?

 

He may have had some interest, and wanted to keep you on the back burner until something better come along. Some people like the attention. Maybe he wanted sex. He may not have been overtly intentional. Consider he may have liked you, but was unsure. So he kept you around until he made up his mind. There are lots of reasons. The thing is he went from saying a lot of things to invisible. When people pull this kind of disappearing act it's better not to wonder and just accept and move on. Don't try to excuse it or rationalize it too much. When a stable man wants a woman there will be no disappearing act.

[Silverbirch]

Cherry, I don't know if this is going to make you feel any better, but it was a BIG reminder call for me about how careful we have to be and take our time into getting to know people who we get involved with.

 

There was an article in the newspaper here yesterday about the state's most wanted criminal. The police believe that he is living comfortably and happily in one of the regional centres, that nobody has worked out who he is. The police said that this man has the ability to easily engage with and befriend women, gaining their trust.

 

He is in his 50's now, and completed a prison sentence for murdering a teenage girl when he was in his early 20's. Apparently, he de-capitated her and chopped off all of her fingers. I don't know what other crimes he is wanted for, but he is. It showed a photo of him and he looked completely normal, nothing suspicious at all about him.

[EssexMan]

The police said that this man has the ability to easily engage with and befriend women, gaining their trust. It showed a photo of him and he looked completely normal, nothing suspicious at all about him.

 

I know what you're saying about exercising caution, but isn't there a point where even a woman has to play the probabilities and say that, okay, the guy who easily engages and befriends them and seems completely normal and unsuspicious is...in fact.. completely normal and unsuspicious?

 

Cases of this kind are extremely rare, after all, and to seriously entertain them as anything other than a hypothetical possibility in the case of people who otherwise raise no red flags is much more likely to be self-defeating than self-protective.

[Silverbirch]

Essesman, I would say that HE is an extreme case. However, I would say there are very frequent cases of people becoming involved with others and then further the track finding out that person is very different to how they appeared when you first met them.

[lostnscared]

He may have had some interest, and wanted to keep you on the back burner until something better come along. Some people like the attention. Maybe he wanted sex. He may not have been overtly intentional. Consider he may have liked you, but was unsure. So he kept you around until he made up his mind. There are lots of reasons. The thing is he went from saying a lot of things to invisible. When people pull this kind of disappearing act it's better not to wonder and just accept and move on. Don't try to excuse it or rationalize it too much. When a stable man wants a woman there will be no disappearing act.

 

This^^^. It's good advice, listen to it.

[lostnscared]

I agree it's a good idea to at least keep talking to others until the exclusive stage. You don't have to actually date them, but burning all your bridges will tend to reinforce in your mind that somebody is "the one" when it's too early for that.

 

Yep. I find that women are very emotional--when they are dating early on and are only dating ONE man it's easy for them to get all googly-eyed and focus on that one man, and invest far too much into him only to get let down when he just isn't that in to her. I'm not saying that men don't do this as well(because some do) but because women in general are emotional creatures, they tend to invest their emotions into someone they like, early on, a lot more than men do. I think at the least a woman should be dating TWO or more potential suitors around the same time, not only so that she does not put her eggs in one basket, but because she can make sure that she is giving herself many opportunities to find the right man--rather than wasting energy and time on one man that might be not the right one in the first place.

[itsallgrand]

Cherry, I haven't had this happen to me but I am also fairly detached early in getting to know a person. I think you are taking it way personally.

 

Just remember: this is a person who you didn't really know from a hole in the ground. Three dates is absolutely nothing. Not even enough to find out how many siblings a person actually has.

 

So it's not like he was into you, then he turned around and he wasn't. He didn't even have time for that!

[Cherry009]

He may have had some interest, and wanted to keep you on the back burner until something better come along. Some people like the attention. Maybe he wanted sex. He may not have been overtly intentional. Consider he may have liked you, but was unsure. So he kept you around until he made up his mind. There are lots of reasons. The thing is he went from saying a lot of things to invisible. When people pull this kind of disappearing act it's better not to wonder and just accept and move on. Don't try to excuse it or rationalize it too much. When a stable man wants a woman there will be no disappearing act.

 

I know, i feel annoyed with myself that i am even letting myself get worked up about it but i just keep going over in my head asking 'why' i think it is because a lot of guys i meet end up ending with me, usually after a few months, i want to break the pattern but cant, well i can now.....by giving up on dating for now.