Cherry009 Posted March 9, 2013 Author Share Posted March 9, 2013 Cherry, I haven't had this happen to me but I am also fairly detached early in getting to know a person. I think you are taking it way personally. Just remember: this is a person who you didn't really know from a hole in the ground. Three dates is absolutely nothing. Not even enough to find out how many siblings a person actually has. So it's not like he was into you, then he turned around and he wasn't. He didn't even have time for that! Yeah i didn't really know him well at all, i don't even know why i care, rejection is always a bummer, especially when there is no explanation, think thats is what gets to me, fair enough if he didnt like me or changed his mind but why not have the decency to say?! Ah well, i definitely dodged a bullet Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted March 9, 2013 Share Posted March 9, 2013 Yeah i didn't really know him well at all, i don't even know why i care, rejection is always a bummer, especially when there is no explanation, think thats is what gets to me, fair enough if he didnt like me or changed his mind but why not have the decency to say?! Ah well, i definitely dodged a bullet Actually I was trying to explain to you there was no time for rejection. Call me delusional, but this mindset has served me well. He didn't know you, really, so how could he reject you?! Link to comment
Cherry009 Posted March 9, 2013 Author Share Posted March 9, 2013 Actually I was trying to explain to you there was no time for rejection. Call me delusional, but this mindset has served me well. He didn't know you, really, so how could he reject you?! He did reject me in a way.... he got to know a tiny bit of me (3 dates worth) and could have had the chance to get to know me mich better, but chose not to. Chose to turn away and move on. There is a rejection there. Link to comment
Cherry009 Posted March 9, 2013 Author Share Posted March 9, 2013 When i feel i want to bother with dating again in the future i will try to do this, i agree it is good to keep your options open. I don't know if i will ever be able to face online dating again, my luck with that has been a string of guys who have an issue in some way or another. Its far too flakey for my liking, people too easily go from one to the other as they have too much choice and get greedy Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted March 9, 2013 Share Posted March 9, 2013 He did reject me in a way.... he got to know a tiny bit of me (3 dates worth) and could have had the chance to get to know me mich better, but chose not to. Chose to turn away and move on. There is a rejection there. Well it's up to you to interpret it how you like. I was simply offering an alternative way of perceiving it. And personally, I think it is closer to reality than interpreting it as a rejection of you as a person. Rejection, to me, is someone really knowing you and not wanting that. But that's just me. Link to comment
Cherry009 Posted March 10, 2013 Author Share Posted March 10, 2013 Well it's up to you to interpret it how you like. I was simply offering an alternative way of perceiving it. And personally, I think it is closer to reality than interpreting it as a rejection of you as a person. Rejection, to me, is someone really knowing you and not wanting that. But that's just me. Thank you I see what you are saying and it is a better way to look at it. But it is hard for me to think of it as any thing other than rejection....Not to sound bitter and over dramatic but the large majority of guys who have got to know me have rejected me so no difference in this one really, all means the same thing. Link to comment
EssexMan Posted March 10, 2013 Share Posted March 10, 2013 the large majority of guys who have got to know me have rejected me Rejected you as in not had a fourth date, or taken things to a further level and then rejected you? Either way...do you have any idea why? Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 10, 2013 Share Posted March 10, 2013 Agree with lostnscared -I don't think he needs to call you to tell you he's not going to ask you on a 4th date but if he's also going to delete you off of facebook and not respond to your texts that's not appropriate. Link to comment
EssexMan Posted March 10, 2013 Share Posted March 10, 2013 I don't think he needs to call you to tell you he's not going to ask you on a 4th date but if he's also going to delete you off of facebook and not respond to your texts that's not appropriate. It's not very civilised, for sure. Link to comment
benkuske Posted March 10, 2013 Share Posted March 10, 2013 watch the bachelor... he probably was seeing another (or multiple others). Honestly, it reveals his character. I know it SUCKS. But I can't imagine not having the balls to tell someone I'm sorry it's not gonna move forward you are amazing I meant everything I said but I'm in love with someone else. Or something. Someone who would do that would probably have other issues down the line, even though I have no doubt he is a decent person and you guys had good times. I'm sorry Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 10, 2013 Share Posted March 10, 2013 When I'd been on only a few dates with someone I preferred that he disappear -I disliked those self-serving phone calls or e-mails about "how amazing" I was but he didn't feel the connection or whatever. Link to comment
Cherry009 Posted March 10, 2013 Author Share Posted March 10, 2013 Rejected you as in not had a fourth date, or taken things to a further level and then rejected you? Either way...do you have any idea why? I mean i have dated guys for 3/4/5+ months and when it gets to the 'where is this going' stage they never see me as someone they want to carry on being with. I always get the 'you are great... BUT' line. They never tell me why. I always get told I am amazing and that i should never change etc Link to comment
Cherry009 Posted March 10, 2013 Author Share Posted March 10, 2013 When I'd been on only a few dates with someone I preferred that he disappear -I disliked those self-serving phone calls or e-mails about "how amazing" I was but he didn't feel the connection or whatever. WOW really?! we must be so different! Even if you really liked the dates you had with them? Do you not feel you deserve an explanation? Even a simple 'sorry i am not feeling this anymore' I think its so much better, u know where you stand immediately and are not waiting around of his text or call and you arent wondering whats going on. Link to comment
EssexMan Posted March 10, 2013 Share Posted March 10, 2013 I mean i have dated guys for 3/4/5+ months and when it gets to the 'where is this going' stage they never see me as someone they want to carry on being with. I always get the 'you are great... BUT' line. They never tell me why. I always get told I am amazing and that i should never change etc So are you dating the wrong guys, or doing something wrong with the right guys, do you think? Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 10, 2013 Share Posted March 10, 2013 WOW really?! we must be so different! Even if you really liked the dates you had with them? Do you not feel you deserve an explanation? Even a simple 'sorry i am not feeling this anymore' I think its so much better, u know where you stand immediately and are not waiting around of his text or call and you arent wondering whats going on. If there was silence after a date that was all the closure I needed- obviously silence means lack of interest in dating me and who cares why -could be a reason or no reason at all. If something bizarre happened on the date then maybe I would have wanted to clear things up but otherwise -nope. I didn't feel I deserved any explanation if we had only been out a few times especially since the typical explanation is not accurate. The last time I explained to someone after a second date that I wasn't feeling it he profusely thanked me for my honesty then proceeded to send me 5 harassing emails the next morning in the space of an hour. The 6th email apologized and said he wanted to be friends. Then my future husband called and said "hey I happen to be free for that dinner we were trying to plan - I know it's last minute but are you free?" I was so relieved to be going to dinner with an ex boyfriend who I had no romantic interest in and who wouldn't ask me about the crazy men I was dating that I said yes. And the rest is history. (I found in general that if I told men even in a buttered up way why I wasn't interested in a second or third date it never went well and was unproductive with one exception - one guy wrote to me a few months later and asked me to be very specific about what he had done wrong on the date - begged me -so I told him and he said that it really helped him improve his dating skills. Another guy who was mad at me for telling him that I found that he seemed to have a lot of negative energy on the date then wrote to me two months later to say he realized I'd been right and it motivated him to change jobs -so there can be some success stories). Hang in there- the dating world is tough -I was in it for over 20 years on and off when I wasn't in a serious relationship - oh the stories I could tell). Link to comment
onelittleladybug Posted March 10, 2013 Share Posted March 10, 2013 Cherry009 I read your other thread and what I noticed was you said he had texted every couple hours in the beginning. In my experience when things start that intensely they most often burn out fast. I dont agree with whats been said here that the guy was only after sex and when he didnt get it he bailed, another side to that is sexual compatibility is hugely important in a relationship and some people like to find out early. Im one of those people, I know Im probably gonna get shot down for saying this but I think it should be as valid as anything else. That doesnt mean I sleep around at all, it means I have to be really feeling a connection for there to be a second and third date. Anyway thats a bit of side note. Im like Batya, I just figure if I dont hear back from the person then thats my answer and I dont need/like "youre great, but..." Everyone has to do it their way, you like explanations - he doesnt. Theres already one obvious incompatibility between you. Maybe he noticed more and you didnt. I noticed that you said something like they all leave after so many months. Why do they leave and not you? Is it possible that you want so badly to be in a relationship that you are trying to make things work that arent worth pursuing further? I would think about that. Then finally this: In my experience the best way to find an amazing relationship is to be thinking about anything else but that! Work on having a life that you are passionate about, whatever it is that makes you tick. Create an amazing life for yourself and be too busy to think about why a guy didnt call, and I mean really truly but not some weird "rules" way. You are more likely to attract a mate that really fits you when you are feeling good about yourself. Link to comment
Cherry009 Posted March 10, 2013 Author Share Posted March 10, 2013 I see what you are all saying in that he obviously noticed an incompatability. But even after we met up on the Sunday (the 3rd and last date) he text me after saying he had an 'awesome' time, we were texting normally until the Wed and then a little bit on Thur then NOTHING....pooooof gone! Why not just start ignoring me after Sunday? Why randomly wait until the Thursday? I dont know.....dont even know why i am still thinking about it! Also on that sunday he seemed really sad thay i had to go and said he really didnt want me to go. Link to comment
EssexMan Posted March 10, 2013 Share Posted March 10, 2013 we were texting normally until the Wed and then a little bit on Thur then NOTHING....pooooof gone! Why not just start ignoring me after Sunday? Why randomly wait until the Thursday? It wasn't random. There was a factor you're not aware of and will never know - possibly nothing to do with you at all. He has other things going on in his life that are not you (and I don't necessarily, or just, mean other women) and other thoughts and feelings going on inside him that are not about you. So many people with dating issues fall into this trap of assuming that nothing happens in their date's lives between dates, except thinking about them. But you know, maybe his dog died, or he decided to go into a monastery, or any one of million other things. Link to comment
lostnscared Posted March 10, 2013 Share Posted March 10, 2013 I agree with the bolded. Typically men who come on very strong in the beginning, have the tendency to pull the disappearing back once they realize they are in over their heads and can't live up to the promises they might have made(or things they may have said). However in terms of sex, I'm sorry but is it necessary to have sex on a third date to know if you are sexually compatible? There is a difference between having sex early in a relationship and having sex too quick, IMO it's up to the individual to decide this, but it's the difference between feeling comfortable and knowing that is right, and the feeling of just doing it and then later regretting it. For me 3 dates is not long enough for me to feel comfortable being intimate with a man. Sex is important to me as well, but so is being comfortable. I think women should treat their goodies like the sacred thing they are and be selective about who to give them to. I would not have sex without being in a relationship, nor would I have sex before I was comfortable. Three dates is not long enough IMO to NEED to decide whether or not one is sexually compatible, as far as I'm concerned the first 3-5 dates should be about getting to know each other. Some may disagree(and feel free to). That being said, I'm sure if this guy would have continued to date the OP and maybe even became her boyfriend, then she probably would have had sex--I don't think she was waiting for several months or for a year, I think she just wasn't comfortable with having sex on the third date. Being that he tried to, repeatedly and she refused, it is a VALID concern to wonder if her not wanting to go along with sex could have been a FACTOR(one of many) that led him to bail. Link to comment
Cherry009 Posted March 10, 2013 Author Share Posted March 10, 2013 Essexman- this is true, it could have been one of a million things, i guess it doesnt even matter now as he is out my life for good. Batya- To be honest it isn't JUST the fact that he disappeared without an explanation it is the fact that he gave me a load of BS about 'connections' and how he sees this as 'the start of something' etc. If all this kind of stuff hadn't been said i wouldnt be so shocked at how he just disappeared. I understand that some people after 3 dates decide that they arent into the person. (I know in future not to listen to this BS until their actions match their words- advice in this thread has helped me see this) Lostnscared- I agree, i like to give it much longer than 3 dates to become intimate, sex is still important but i don't think you need to work out the sexual compatability after 3 dates! When you are ready and comfortable. onelittleladybug- I don't kno why they leave. Like i said before they always tell me i am amazing and to never change but they just don't see a future or dont see it going anywhere. I think i am sometimes guilty of not seeing red flags, but they are usually amber flags and not something to completely end up finishing something over. I find it takes a while to get to know someone and they usually end up ending it before i feel it was time to end. Link to comment
Cherry009 Posted March 10, 2013 Author Share Posted March 10, 2013 I think i have had a pattern of seeing emotionally unavailable men, but they seem to be the only type that go for me so what can i do about that?? Link to comment
Cheetarah Posted March 10, 2013 Share Posted March 10, 2013 If you really feel like you have a long-term string of emotionally unavailable men in your life, then you need to consider a couple things - Are YOU emotionally available? A lot of times, we feel it's safe to go to those that aren't, because WE aren't. So it's "safe". Most people who are emotionally unavailable truly have NO CLUE that they are. They know they like the idea of availability, but have no idea how to actually put it in practice themselves - let alone recognize it in others. Is there any connection between the connections you seek now and something significant in the past? I, as an example, have continually found myself in relationships with VERY particular dynamics. On a certain level, I want to heal those old hurts by recreating the old relations - With the outcome I always wanted way back when. I say I want xyz, but I don't - At least, I don't when it's simply there and available to me, because I don't know what to do with it. I only know how to handle the possibility in a certain kind of dysfunctional situation. I've NEVER gotten to heal that old hurt in this fruitless way, so I have no idea what the heck what I want truly looks like - Mind screw! Link to comment
lostnscared Posted March 10, 2013 Share Posted March 10, 2013 This is good advice, listen to this OP. Link to comment
onelittleladybug Posted March 10, 2013 Share Posted March 10, 2013 @lostnscared Im saying neither should be judged, whether fast or slow. Everyone has to find their own way with this. Nothing wrong with you for waiting, thats perfectly understandable and honorable. But someone shouldnt be judged as "only after the sex" if what I described is the possible reason. @Cherry009 I dont think you got what I was saying, thats probably my fault, I was trying to keep things brief and to the point but might have lost some necessary detail. Before I get into that I want to say this - its been said before here that you need to grow thick skin for dating. You will drive yourself crazy by analyzing what he said vs what he did. Actions are hugely more important than words. In my experience, the stronger the words the more likely they are going to vanish. Ok now to clarify what I was trying to say before: If you feel that you are always the one who wants to continue or advance the relationship but the guy always leaves or backs off - this is a sign that you are not being picky enough yourself. Look back and ask yourself if there wasnt a time or two when it should have been you ending the relationship. What this possibly suggests is that you want a relationship more than specifically a relationship with that person. Thats not attractive to the other person and they can usually sense it. I have been through this myself, I have watched so many of my girlfriends, sisters etc. I think some people and maybe more so women but Im afraid to generalize, tend to try to prove to themselves that they "can get and keep" a boyfriend. Ironically when you are in that state of mind, it doesnt really work out. Link to comment
lostnscared Posted March 10, 2013 Share Posted March 10, 2013 No one said he was only after sex--but that it was a possibility... And no one was judging him "harshly" for it. I didn't see anything about him being a bad guy for wanting to have sex earlier then she was ready. All we said was that for whatever reason(and it could have been many, sex being only one of them) he bailed out. That being said a man that wanted to test out how compatible she was sexually after only 3 dates(especially if she was not comfortable with it) is obviously not interested in the same things she is(which is a bit more commitment and time before going there) so it's good in a way, if it was the reason you said, because clearly they did not want the same things or were going at the same pace. Link to comment
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