I need someone to knock some sense into me

[onelittleladybug]

@lostnscared We have to just agree to disagree. To me its out of the question to even consider committing to someone before finding out about physical compatibility. I know too well how painful it is to be committed to someone who is not compatible with you in this sense, feeling rejected and so many more issues that come from it. But as I have repeatedly said everyone has to go by what they feel comfortable with.

 

However this was a side point, not my main focus and I would like to get off this topic actually. I am more interested in trying to help the OP figuring out what happens to her relationships. She has said there is a pattern, and to me that should be focused on much more because you just cant know why this one guy changed his mind.

[Batya33]

I was always able to tell if we had chemistry and compatibility by being around the person and feeling the desire to kiss him (and kissing was important too). I would have never committed to someone who insisted we had to have intercourse before he'd agree to commit. I can understand why someone with a particular sexual requirement or fetish would want to know beforehand.

[onelittleladybug]

I was always able to tell if we had chemistry and compatibility by being around the person and feeling the desire to kiss him (and kissing was important too). I would have never committed to someone who insisted we had to have intercourse before he'd agree to commit. I can understand why someone with a particular sexual requirement or fetish would want to know beforehand.

 

Well then we shouldnt date each other And good for you, you obviously have figured out something that I havent. I wish I could tell if they are going to want more sex than I can handle, or less, or if they have performance issues or if they are kinkier than I can handle or if they can only last for a minute or if they have shame issues or if they have a bedside potty mouth or if they are simply boring... From a kiss. But in my 25 years of being sexually active I have not figured out how to get all this info from kissing. So I check early, and yet I have managed to have fulfilling relationships with absolutely wonderful men who I never doubted for a second were very much available to me and clearly wanted to pursue a relationship with me and were also perfect gentlemen about sex.

[lostnscared]

That's good then. I know that there are definitely a good portion of men that will lose respect for women who have sex early or easily, and that in general it can really "ruin" the possibility of a relationship. However even when that it isn't the case, is the complications and problems of having sex, bonding early, and then overlooking redflags or incompatibility because you had good sex in the honeymoon phase or in the phase where you didn't really know each other. I think for each (waiting until you are committed in a relationship versus having sex early on) there are pro's and con's and I guess it's up to what is more important to a person, as well as how easy it is for them to decipher whether or not having sex early or later can ruin the relationship or cause them to overlook some things that indicate they are not compatible in other ways beyond sex.

 

That being said, I do know of some women that had sex early(on first date) and still had long term relationships. In those cases, I think the man had already decided(early in the date) that he saw potential, liked her, and it felt right so he went with it. And I know for men, it's not necessarily when you have sex that matters(though it does matter to some extent--if you have it too early it can certainly make a man think you are too easy and would do it with any guy as quickly) but it matters how emotionally invested he is or can see himself getting in you. So in some cases if he already likes you, whether you have sex on the first or second, or even 10th date he'll still want to be in a relationship with you because he already liked you and saw potential BEFORE he had sex. However that's rare, and for young men(not sure what the OP's age is) it's far more likely that having fast sex can result in a "burn" for the woman, unless the guy already has been crushing on her for a while prior to the date or the sex.

[Cherry009]

This is a really good point. But if i think long and hard my honest answer is that i am available emotionally. I have never had a meaningful long term relationship, it is something i have wanted for a long time, if someone amazing came along there is no way i would not be available to them emotionally. Yes i am scared of getting hurt but i never show this to the guys i date. Don't get me wrong...just because i would really like a relationship it doesnt mean that i NEED one, i am not the type to just go for anyone just becasue i want a relationship, i have had offers in the past from guys that i have felt no spark with and have turned them down. Never have i been the type to just settle with anyone.

[onelittleladybug]

That's good then. I know that there are definitely a good portion of men that will lose respect for women who have sex early or easily, and that in general it can really "ruin" the possibility of a relationship.

 

Well the loss of respect is mutual for me then because I cannot respect a person who puts all the responsibility on the shoulders of one person in the relationship. It takes two to have sex, and if the guy feels that the sex is being had too early and that he cannot continue with respect after the sex has been had then that says a lot about how that person is not able to maintain a healthy two way relationship. Yes what you described has happened to me but a very long time ago and since then I have been able to filter out those guys and find men who feel as strongly as I do that this is a mutual responsibility. Those men will say "I really like you, I feel we started too fast, I dont want to quit but I want to take it slower". Believe me, when you are dealing with a guy who has real character he will communicate this to you. I refuse to regard men as unable to control themselves, the men in my life are not like that. And that is because I spend my energy on not allowing that kind of behavior in my life, instead of guilt tripping over "putting out too early".

[EssexMan]

The real problem with having sex very early on IMO is that it then has no symbolic value - no "okay, we've decided we like each other well enough to have sex". Having said which, my current relationship is the first one ever where we've actually explicitly decided together to have sex, as in discussing it in advance.

 

The other, practical, problem is that the anticipation of sleeping together later in the evening comes to totally dominate dates where you should still be concentrating on getting to know each other.

 

That, plus the fact that the tentative slow advances into more and more intimacy over a few weeks are actually kind of fun in themselves, in a deliciously frustrating way.

[Cherry009]

i think i am a bit guilty of times in the past where i have maybe thought 'this doesnt feel right' but i carry on, i think that i have the fear of always wondering 'what if' . Basically what i mean is, if THEY end it i know i gave it my all and the reason it ended was because THEY did it and not me, i hate hate hate that feeling of 'what if' like what if it had worked out really well in the end and i walked away from that. Its a really stupid thing but i cant help it sometimes. i hope i am making sense?

[onelittleladybug]

The real problem with having sex very early on IMO is that it then has no symbolic value - no "okay, we've decided we like each other well enough to have sex". Having said which, my current relationship is the first one ever where we've actually explicitly decided together to have sex, as in discussing it in advance.

 

The other, practical, problem is that the anticipation of sleeping together later in the evening comes to totally dominate dates where you should still be concentrating on getting to know each other.

 

That, plus the fact that the tentative slow advances into more and more intimacy over a few weeks are actually kind of fun in themselves, in a deliciously frustrating way.

 

Makes perfect sense, I just keep trying to make the point that theres no one absolute answer for all and that everyone has to find what works best for them. When you are able to decide together rather than as individuals, thats a really good sign. Thats what its all about, and you have already achieved something that takes a lot of time with or without sex - a third unit "Us" is starting to emerge. Hopefully that part continues growing.

 

I do want to add that having sex is a part of getting to know each other, it is one of many ways. All of them are important.

 

I have experienced putting effort into a relationship that was doomed sexually, and I wouldnt want to risk being in that situation again because its really disappointing and painful to put so much effort and investment into something that can never be fully satisfying when everything else is almost perfect. But that doesnt mean I dont completely understand someone else wanting to go that way, it just means Im not up for going through that again.

[onelittleladybug]

i think i am a bit guilty of times in the past where i have maybe thought 'this doesnt feel right' but i carry on, i think that i have the fear of always wondering 'what if' . Basically what i mean is, if THEY end it i know i gave it my all and the reason it ended was because THEY did it and not me, i hate hate hate that feeling of 'what if' like what if it had worked out really well in the end and i walked away from that. Its a really stupid thing but i cant help it sometimes. i hope i am making sense?

 

Completely and totally making sense! In fact Im like that too, I think I often carry on relationships for too long and should have ended sooner. Its definitely something to think about and as it is my problem too, I dont have an answer I wish I did.

[Cherry009]

onelittleladybug- i guess you can have sex without being emotionally involved? I personally dont like having sex with guys unless i have an emotional connection which is why i like to wait. Sometimes i wish i could have sex without feelings becoming involved!

[EssexMan]

theres no one absolute answer for all and that everyone has to find what works best for them.

 

Absolutely, and I certainly don't think sex early on - even on the first date - dooms everything to certain failure, it just has drawbacks. As does leaving it too long, in some cases. It's all about the individuals and the dynamic between them.

 

When you are able to decide together rather than as individuals, thats a really good sign. Thats what its all about, and you have already achieved something that takes a lot of time with or without sex - a third unit "Us" is starting to emerge. Hopefully that part continues growing.

 

Indeed! Though to be honest we didn't sit down and discuss it in any deep and meaningful way. A situation arose where a certain date, I think it was about the eighth, would necessitate her sleeping over at my place. So rather than having some great question mark hanging between us, I said it could just be a sleepover if she wanted (and I meant that), to which she said she'd like it to be more than a sleepover.

[Cherry009]

Completely and totally making sense! In fact Im like that too, I think I often carry on relationships for too long and should have ended sooner. Its definitely something to think about and as it is my problem too, I dont have an answer I wish I did.

 

i really need to work on this!

[onelittleladybug]

onelittleladybug- i guess you can have sex without being emotionally involved? I personally dont like having sex with guys unless i have an emotional connection which is why i like to wait. Sometimes i wish i could have sex without feelings becoming involved!

 

When I was younger I had no problems with it. The emotional factor is very important to me now. I just know that you have to take your chances, if you are afraid to be hurt you can just as well stop trying. The men I have started a relationship with in the past years have been people that I connected deeply with and that was very clear from the beginning. There have been others around that didn't start off so fast, but they never really developed into a relationship and to for me it was because the connection was not as deep. I have also waited btw. I just never saw that much difference in results. You're either compatible or you're not and to me, if the guy has issues with going to fast it is his responsibility because ultimately I cannot decide for him how fast or slow to go. I don't want to carry all the responsibility. If the scenario would come up, I wouldn't give myself a hard time about it. It should be completely as sad to them if they became a faint memory, someone whose name I cant remember. And if anyone is getting the wrong idea about me from all this I can tell you in the past 9 years I have had 5 partners, 3 of them were serious long term relationships. So I guess that makes me a serial monogamist

 

Edited to add:

 

i really need to work on this!

 

Me too!

[Batya33]

Because I didn't need to know all that in advance. If he did have fetishes/was into kinky sex then almost always he told me about that early on because he didn't want to waste his time. I just needed to know that we had chemistry, passion and desire and I personally wanted to know that I felt that way when we kissed. The rest didn't matter much in the scheme of things -I knew we could work on it if we had what I mentioned. I also know, vicariously, that often there is awkwardness and incompatibility if you have sex early on without the emotional foundation to be able to communicate about it so it doesn't tell you all you need to know or give you an accurate perspective.

[zep]

When I'd been on only a few dates with someone I preferred that he disappear -I disliked those self-serving phone calls or e-mails about "how amazing" I was but he didn't feel the connection or whatever.

 

I agree with this, I much prefer the disappear! I wouldn't expect a conversation about it unless we had decided we were really together. 1) It would be super awkward, 2) I think it would be patronizing. Like he thinks I am sooo into him he needs to sit me down and break it to me. Ugh. Never mind if I am actually that into him, I would much rather save face by never receiving a call and never placing one.

[bebeblondie]

I agree with this, I much prefer the disappear! I wouldn't expect a conversation about it unless we had decided we were really together. 1) It would be super awkward, 2) I think it would be patronizing. Like he thinks I am sooo into him he needs to sit me down and break it to me. Ugh. Never mind if I am actually that into him, I would much rather save face by never receiving a call and never placing one.

 

Totally agree with this too. I think silence speaks volumes, and i don't need one of those texts or phone calls to let me know your not interested anymore (especially after two to three dates), it's just awkward and self serving. Like I said not hearing from the person says it all, I can take a hint lol.

[Cherry009]

I think it is just decent manners to text and say something, anything will do. It stops the other person from wondering what happened and waiting around to hear from them. I dont think there is anything awkward or patronizing about a quick 'i enjoyed our dates but i dont see it going anywhere' text.