maths Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 I've been in a serious relationship with my gf for about 9 months now and she's always upset that I don't call her. I'm up at 5:30am for work and usually get home around 3:30 or 4:00. She works until 5:00 and has a teenager at home. We spend the weekends together as long as I'm not working afternoon shift on Friday or dayshift on Saturday. We live only 5 minutes away from each other, but I just don't call her or drop by her place during the week. I usually call Thursday to make plans for the weekend but she's getting upset with me and says that I don't care enough to call or come over during the week. She can come by my place if she wants to but sometimes I don't hear the phone or don't answer and if she doesn't leave a message, how do I know she wants to come over? She says it's more like "friends with benefits" or a "weekend girlfriend" than a committed relationship. She's feeling rejected but I like my space and being at home and don't like to go out much unless it's to my karate class Tues and Thurs. Do you think I'm acting like I'm not in a committed relationship. Link to comment
HealingHandsWarmHeart Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 i dont think that's it that you don't call her enough..i think its the fact that you don't feel like you want to talk/see her during the week. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 I think she wants you as more of a part of each others day to day lives. And you want to basically only have her during "girlfriend time". Neither one is wrong or right. Actually I relate more to you than to her. But at 9 months, it's really understandable why she'd want what she is asking for. She likes you....wants to share more with you! You can always retreat to the cave whenever you like. But let her in a little. Link to comment
Heather Dawn Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 She says it's more like "friends with benefits" or a "weekend girlfriend" than a committed relationship. Do you think I'm acting like I'm not in a committed relationship. She's right. IMO, it sounds very casual and more like a FWB situation, and not at all like you're in a committed relationship with someone you love. Link to comment
RedDress Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 I just read your previous thread and it really sounds like you are "emotionally unavailable". You didn't want her to meet your family. You didn't want her at thanksgiving. You didn't want to go on vacation with her. Now you don't want to see her more than on the occasional weekend (it's not every weekend if it's "when I'm not working"). You don't want to talk during the week. So... like... do you want a relationship at all? I agree with her. It kind of sounds like you don't. I also agree that it's not about a phone call. She sounds frustrated at your lack of enthusiasm, your lack of desire to integrate her into your life and the lack of progress in 9 months. If you keep pushing her away, you are going to push her right out of your life. What are you afraid of? Is it the marriage thing? Just tell her that any marriage talk is freaking you out and that you'd like to take that right off the table for the next 5 years. But then let her into your life! Are you just a creature of habit? Well - you may need to shake up your habits to include her a little more. She is asking to be included in your life. You are acting like a single person. She wants a relationship (which doesn't necessarily mean marriage). Link to comment
Kaytie Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 I, too, was wondering what you are afraid of. I wondered if it's marriage itself or the fact that she has a child, or something else.... Link to comment
PetiteGirl Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 Wow, haha it's like your girlfriend and I are in the same kind of relationship. I've used the term "weekend girlfriend" and feeling like "friends with benefits" too. We both work full time and my boyfriend also likes his space. I've been trying to tell my boyfriend how I feel, but he can't seem to get it and meet me half-way. I don't think he's doing it on purpose because he can't seem to understand the problem. So I'm curious how can a partner communicate with someone, like you, about wanting to have more connections (through talking and spending time together) during the weekdays...Other than that he's very committed (started planning for my birthday which is a month away, planning our vacation with his family that is 6 months away, etc), just not so much on connecting during weekdays. Link to comment
EssexMan Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 Do you think I'm acting like I'm not in a committed relationship. A little bit, since she's expressed that she wants more. If you only live a few minutes from each other, it should be really easy for you to get together more often...it doesn't have to be for long periods...for example, she could come round to yours for coffee on her way home from work. Wanting your own space and time is one thing and is fine (I'm the same), but it would be so easy for you to be together a bit more that it's understandable this feels like something of a snub to her. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 I can understand taking it slow and not being involved with teenagers, but they are old enough to stay home alone for you to go out to an early dinner with your girlfriend. A date! It doesn't have to be late if you have to get up early - but sitting down face to face and talking or even just meeting for something quick like a stroll by the ice show, to window shop in town, to just go grab dessert. She can come by my place if she wants to but sometimes I don't hear the phone or don't answer and if she doesn't leave a message, how do I know she wants to come over? It is rude just to "come over" to someone's house unannounced. And you know she wants to see you because she has TOLD you. Since she told you she wants more communication, why not invite her over? Not just decide she needs to use more telepathy if she wants to stop by. Or what about, like I said, if she gets off of work at 5, get an errand done and meet her after work sometime. I think you just don't want to learn new tricks. I bet if you saw her two nights or afternoons a week during the week this would make a world of difference even if it was just a short time Link to comment
ChellyV Posted January 24, 2013 Share Posted January 24, 2013 my current bf is like you, just worse. i am at the end of my rope and prepared to walk away. this relationship isn't meeting my needs therefore i just need to do what i have to. are you prepared to lose her like that? if not, then get your act together and be a man who loves his woman. if not, then let her go...so you can enjoy your time guilt free. don't keep someone in your life because of convenience. it is painful and unfair. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted January 24, 2013 Share Posted January 24, 2013 I agree with your gf. You also don't sound particularly enthusiastic about her or interested in communicating with her. It sounds more like a fwb situation and I can understand her frustration. Link to comment
maths Posted January 27, 2013 Author Share Posted January 27, 2013 So she called me Friday and asked if I'd like her to cook me dinner which was awesome. We had a great night and she never brought up anything about friends with benefits or weekend girlfriend. She did her thing Saturday morning and we met up at my place in the afternoon and she offered to take me to the movies, her treat, but I wasn't interested in anything that was playing. She wanted to go out for dinner but I was tapped so she offered to make dinner again at my place and we ended up watching a movie on tv and went to bed early. I wasn't in the mood for sex and just wanted to cuddle and she started to tell me what she wanted me to do to her, very gentle slow kind of stuff. So I told her again I just wanted to cuddle and she asked me if I thought what she wanted was too boring and then "it happened". I said "NO (my ex's name) it's not that." She was floored and pulled away, and I immediately said "sorry it was a mistake , a slip of the tongue", but it was too late. She turned her back to me and cried and I didn't know what to say or do and felt really bad but we both fell asleep. It happened a couple to times before and even my sister did it at a family dinner by mistake because their names both start with the same letter and sound very close. It was over with my ex 10 years ago and we lived together for almost 4 years, but I don't know why I keep slipping. The next morning, she looked really sad and I asked her to tell me what was wrong and she didn't want to talk about it. I offered to cook her breakfast and approached her again. She said why do you keep calling me (my ex's name)? I laughed nervously and said "it's just a slip of the tongue, really". She said "please don't ever do it again." I told her I loved her and we had sex later that morning but it wasn't the kind of stuff she wanted like all gentle and lovey dovey and I think she was kind of disapointed. She was kind of quiet and she left early and now I'm really not sure how things are between us? Link to comment
EssexMan Posted January 28, 2013 Share Posted January 28, 2013 She's upset because of you using the ex's name, understandably. Is she worried that you might still be into the ex? Link to comment
maths Posted January 28, 2013 Author Share Posted January 28, 2013 No, she's not worried about my ex at all, that was 10yrs ago and she lives in another city. She just thinks I don't care because A: I don't spend enough time with her and B: I don't call or drop in enough and C: during A&B issues, I've called her (my ex's name) again, 3 times in the last 9 months and D: she wants soft, easy, lovey dovey sex with lots of gentle foreplay, whispers, kisses and caresses (which is ok but it doesn't really crank me up) and I want spanking, fingers, hair pulling, dirty talk (which she likes too but not all the time). It's really hard and I need to fix this because I really want to be with her. Link to comment
EssexMan Posted January 28, 2013 Share Posted January 28, 2013 I've called her (my ex's name) again, 3 times in the last 9 months That does seem a lot. Are the names really really similar? Does she remind you of the ex? D: she wants soft, easy, lovey dovey sex with lots of gentle foreplay, whispers, kisses and caresses (which is ok but it doesn't really crank me up) and I want spanking, fingers, hair pulling, dirty talk (which she likes too but not all the time). So you do it gentle some of the time, and rough some of the time...is that so bad? Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted January 28, 2013 Share Posted January 28, 2013 Strangely, you are not responding to any of the posts on the first page of this thread. Link to comment
maths Posted January 28, 2013 Author Share Posted January 28, 2013 I have ready what everyone is saying and everyone is right. I'm pushing her away, because that's what I always do when someone gets close. I know what she wants, but I just have a hard time giving of myself. I know I have issues with commitment/giving of myself etc. due to other aspects in my life, but I do love her and I'm trying to give her what she wants, but I just can't seem to give enough or maybe I'm selfish and not trying hard enougth. I don't trust many people, but I do trust her. I don't have many friends but I do want to be with her. I know if I don't stop pushing her away I'll lose her and I need to manage my time better, but I'm having a really hard time with this. She's ready to jump in full tilt with both feet and has been since the beginning and I feel like I'm still catching up. Link to comment
PetiteGirl Posted January 28, 2013 Share Posted January 28, 2013 So she called you on Friday and cooked you dinner. The next day she went to your place, wanted to take you out to movies, stayed in with you because you're not interested in what's playing currently, cooked you dinner, and had sex your way. I'm wondering what have you done for her? It just sounded like she's doing most of the work and catering to you, but what about her? To me it doesn't sound like you're really invested in this relationship. It just seems like you don't really think about what you can do for her or meeting her needs (i.e. gentle sex). If you know what's going to cause the relationship to fall apart and still do nothing about it, I don't think you should be in a relationship in the first place. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted January 29, 2013 Share Posted January 29, 2013 Meet in the middle?! But you have got to give her something. Something more, you gotta reach. I empathize with you. Yet I cringed reading your post about the other night. She was crying with her back turned to you ....you guys just went to sleep?! There was an opportunity. You hurt her, you could have reached out at least to reassure her. I understand BUT ....you gotta buck up and open up ....or else you will lose her. You are losing her already. There is only so much a person will take ...then one day...she'll just give up. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted January 29, 2013 Share Posted January 29, 2013 My gut tells me that to a certain extent you do not feel empathy for her pain. I also suspect that either you feel powerful in knowing you are distant and/or you fear being vulnerable just as she has been for you. If you do not make a move, she'll end it with you forever. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted January 29, 2013 Share Posted January 29, 2013 That is really sad that you don't see her really during the week, she is very sweet and loving to you and you are "too tired" for sex at a critical moment. If everything was fine, it would be no big deal if you were not in the mood. Well, it wouldn't have hurt after all of this to at least kiss her a little and see where it went and see if you did get in the mood.I am tired too but sometimes after a little kissing, I get in the mood instead of falling asleep. I think she really felt a lot rejected. I think you should talk to her. Invite her out to dinner DURING THE WEEK. and talk to her about how when people get close to you, sometimes you push them away because you are scared and you want to work through this with her. But if you don't...well you don't. This woman is doing what she can to accommodate you and you have to decide that if she is worth fighting for - showing just a little tiny bit of interest in her will go along way. But if you don't want her - then don't. If you don't love her and just want to be left alone, and you are happy with that - be honest about that too. Have you ever tried counseling? Link to comment
maths Posted January 30, 2013 Author Share Posted January 30, 2013 She called me tonight and tried to tell me she wants me to reassure her that I care, and that I love her and to tell her. I told her, I cuddle and kiss and hug her and that should reassure her, but she said it doesn't. She brought up me not wanting to go out Sat to them movies on her treat, and not wanting to make love to her and then calling her (my ex's name). She said she cried herself to sleep and I didn't even care, I just fell asleep. She said I should have reassured her I loved her and said I was sorry and tried to hold her. She says she needs more reassurance and is constantly struggling to get my love and to try to show me she loves me and tries to do things for me to make me happy. She asked me if I ever got up in the morning and thought about what I could do to make her happy that day. I said "No, not really". I told her I wouldn't ask her to go to a car show because she wouldn't like it and it would be no fun for her. She said she would love to go to a car show with me because it would make me happy and I'd be in my glory. She said she loves me and would do anything to me happy. I told her that it's not healthy to think like that and she needs her own life. I told her I've heard it all before from other girlfriends, that they'd do anything for me and it didn't work out. She was pissed and said "EXCUSE ME", it's not healthy to love you and do anything for you. I'm trying to open up here and you're telling me you've heard it all before." I told her the conversation was going badly and I had to leave for class and she said "Well then go to your effin class then" and I hung up. I don't think I can make her happy and she wants me to verbally reassure her. What is wrong with me? Link to comment
abitbroken Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 If all your other girlfriends had the same issue = don't you think the common denominator is YOU??? Its not like just one girlfirend found that problem with the relationship. Your GF is probably upset because you have had the same issues with every girlfriend and have done nothing to change and have learned not a thing. Would it absolutely kill you to hold your girlfriend and reassure her you love her, or to invite her to a car show and let her decide for herself if she likes it or not instead of passing the judgement before she even goes?? I told her that it's not healthy to think like that and she needs her own life. No, in a relationship you are never going to have identical interests. But your interest is in your loved one. If you know the other person's favorite thing is banana cream pies and you don't like them, you would make one for their birthday because that is what they like regardless if you like it or not. If your loved one is in a bowling match and will be state champ if they win that one, and you don't like bowling, you go to cheer them on because you are proud of them. I don't like some interests my boyfriend has, but i go because I know he loves them = and you know what, it makes me happy that he is happy and I actually got to like some of his interests that I wasn't into when I gave them a chance. That is what loving couples do and how they share their lives! I told her that it's not healthy to think like that and she needs her own life. SHE HAS A LIFE. She has teenagers. She hardly ever sees you during the week at all because you don't want a relationship like that. She wants a life with you, also, and you are stopping her all the time from having one. You don't see her during the week and she can barely get you to do anything on the weekends. give her a break. Also, maybe you guys communicate differently and you are not as verbal, but you CAN verbally reassure her if you know that is helpful to her. It is really a small thing to do. This woman loves you, she has accommodated you. Broke? Fine, she'll pay. Don't want to go out. Fine, she'll cook. I sure would feel pretty cold if my boyfriend rejected my advances for sex after that and then called me by his ex's name in of itself. I mean, it seemed like things were going in a good direction, but you couldn't go with the flow and let them. You have to decide...do you love this woman and want to be with this woman? Do you want to break your pattern of pushing people away and hoping to find another woman who won't want to be close to you? Or do you want to let her go and wonder why every girlfriend has had the same issues that you contribute to? I don't think she is going to fight much longer for you, so you have to make a decision. Link to comment
Amandacast57 Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 It would probably be a deal breaker if my boyfriend, who claims he loves me, was able to go to sleep knowing I was hurt and crying. Link to comment
EssexMan Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 She said she would love to go to a car show with me because it would make me happy and I'd be in my glory. She said she loves me and would do anything to me happy. I told her that it's not healthy to think like that and she needs her own life. These things aren't mutually exclusive. She can do stuff with you for your sake, or for the sake of being with you, and have her own life. Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.