should i dump my girfiend on new years eve?

[kaitracid2010]

hello guys, urgently need advice

 

 

been seeing a girl for about 6 months now, we got back together after a previous break up & both of us decided to give it our best go, this time around.

 

the reason why we broke up the last time was because, she was heavily into clubbing & drinking, and she also worked in a club, and i am the total opposite of that... i don't do clubs & its very rare for me to drink or go to bars.

 

anyhow this time around, she wanted to get back with me, and promised me, that she would leave the clubs & drinking alone & only wants to settle down with me.

 

i am 36 years old & she is 45.... we have talked about living together & getting married, and even a baby

 

since we got back together, i have really opened myself upto her... i tell her all the time, that i love her, i cuddle her, hold hands when we go out for walks etc etc

 

but since i have opened up to her, i have noticed she is starting to walk all over me... if we ever have a fallout, she never admits wrong doing & i am the one texting or ringing her, trying to make up... if i don't make the first move to text or ring her... she just does not bother with me & makes no effort at all.

 

i feel like it is a control thing for her!!!

 

she totaly ignores me & makes no effort to make up, unless i make the first move... this has left me feeling very insecure around her!

 

then on top of that, her best mate is always going out drinking & having parties & getting drunk & does not behave in a respectable manner... they are best friends & my girlfriend is with her pretty much every single day... this also makes me feel insecure, but my girlfriend assures me, that her freinds behaviour does not mean, she would also behave like that...

 

i have moments of insecurity when they are both together, but i have been doing my best to trust her!

 

to add to this, her ex boyfriend who has a 12 year old daughter with her, still has feelings for her, and is not overly happy about her seeing me... so when they meet up, i tend to feel abit insecure about it.

 

a few weeks ago, we had a little argument, about her best friend & my girlfriend sent me a text saying

 

"THAT SHE LOVES ME, BUT SHE LOVES HER FAMILY & FREINDS MORE THAN ME"

 

i can understand her loving her family more than me... but to be told her freinds are loved more than i am, is leaving me feeling insecure once again!

 

 

the problem is, she is telling me that she wants to settle down with me, but her entire life seems to rotate around her friends... pretty much every single day... when we are together, she is on her phone for 2 or 3 hours at a time sometimes, texting her mates, whilst i just sit there.

 

i don;t feel like this is someone who is ready to settle down... she is 45 years olf, yet most of her freinds are younger than her & single.

 

 

on boxing day, we had an argument about her friend... she told me, she is sick of telling me, i dont need to worry about her freinds & that i should just trust her.... so i promised her that i would not mention it again & would fully trust her.... but she told me to leave her house for the night. so i left.

 

i think this woman is playing me... since the argument on boxing day, she has hardly spoke to me. i am the only one texting her, she is not texting me at all. whenever i text her, she replies back after about an hour or two, which makes me feel like, she is doing it on purpose, to make me panick or get a reaction out of me.

 

when she does text me, it's always a direct answer to my question, but she does not make any conversation.

 

she is not bieng loving, or showing any humour.... her excuse is this... she had a small operation last week & she ended up getting a unrinary tract infection, which is making her feel a little ill, so she is taking pain killers & anti biotics.

 

everytime i text her, she claims to be sleeping.... or too tired to talk. i have asked her twice if she wants to be with me or end it & she has said yes she wants to be with me.... but her actions are the opposite... she seems so distant..

 

i was supposed to be merting her at the weekend, but she cancled... but i don't understand why i cannot just go over to see her at her house? if she is ill, then why can't i go see her, and look after her? she is supposed to be my girlfriend and future wife.... but she is not inviting me!!!

 

keeps telling me, she needs to get better, but i don't think she is actually that ill. i get the feeling she is pushing me away... if i was ill, i would want my girlfriend, the person i love to come see me, and be with me.

 

 

now to make things worse, she has made some excuse not to see me on new years eve? she said she is not well & is in no mood to celebrate...

 

i told her her, new year is not all about celebrating, but also about bieng with the person you love. but she kept telling me, she does not feel well & just wants to stay in bed etc etc

 

my gut tells me, these are excuses not to see me... what harm would it do, for me to just spend an hour or two with her on new years eve, just to cuddle her, or look after her...

 

i know she is pushing me away, but at the same time she is giving me hope, that we are still together & she loves me....

 

it feels like, she does not wantme there on new years eve, because she has got other plans... so she is picking and choosing to see me, when it suites her, because she knows i love her & she has that power and control over me!!!

 

so this new year, i am spending it all on my own, in my aprtment, even tho i have a girlfriend.

 

 

every part of my body is telling me, she is pushing me away, and chooosing to see me when it suites her... other wise why not just dump me!!!!

 

 

she has been treatingme like this since boxing day & it is tearing me up inside... my friend is telling me, that i should dump her, as she is just taking me for a ride!!!!

 

 

what shall i do?

[annie24]

Time to break it off. The sooner the better.

[blueidealist24]

I think you should dump her, but leave it to a more normal day instead of New Year's Eve. I never understood why females OR males timed a breakup with a holiday, it seems too harsh when the breakup could just as easily take place a couple of days later.

[kaitracid2010]

Time to break it off. The sooner the better.

 

i have been hurting so much through out the holidays, now i am depressed about spending NYE on my own, yet my girlfriend in only 30mins drive away from me... yet she does not want me there.

 

she is saying she is unwell, but why does that mean i cant see her for just an hour or two, or to just look after her... nye is about bieng with ur loved ones.

 

yet she is not dumping me? i think she feels she has that power and control over me, because when she has treated me bad in the past, i have chased her, so maybe she feels she can pick me up & choose when and when not to see me

[Seraphim]

She's acting like an 18-year-old instead of 45 years old. I feel sorry for her daughter. No child should be the child of a party mama. I would just break up for good. She most likely won't settle down and she certainly won't be having another baby at 45. And if she had a baby while clubbing and drinking most likely would end up with severe fetal alcohol syndrome. At 45 though I think it's highly unlikely she's going to have another baby. If she can even get pregnant at 45 some people do yes, but at 45 the miscarriage rate is 50%.

[kaitracid2010]

She's acting like an 18-year-old instead of 45 years old. I feel sorry for her daughter. No child should be the child of a party mama. I would just break up for good. She most likely won't settle down and she certainly won't be having another baby at 45. And if she had a baby while clubbing and drinking most likely would end up with severe fetal alcohol syndrome. At 45 though I think it's highly unlikely she's going to have another baby. If she can even get pregnant at 45 some people do yes, but at 45 the miscarriage rate is 50%.

 

 

she does not party anymore, she has promised me that she just wants to settle down.... but her best friends do party! and she is with these friends pretty much every single day

 

it does make me feel insecure, but i promised her, that i would trust her... she does not seem to understand why it would make me feel insecure...

 

but it's killing me, the way she is treating me now... especialy not even seeing me on NYE

[Seraphim]

You both just sound so seriously mismatched. Find woman who suits you. Don't waste time on one who doesn't.

[Ms Darcy]

Have you laid out your concerns to her? If I were you, I would call her and tell her the problems you are having with the relationship.

[kaitracid2010]

Have you laid out your concerns to her? If I were you, I would call her and tell her the problems you are having with the relationship.

 

 

she does not even want to talk to me on the phone... she has texted me once, in that last 3 days!

 

every text has been sent by me, she is not bothering to communicate with me hardly at all

[kaitracid2010]

we have talked about marriage, moving in together, yet she wont even invite me over for new years eve? is that normal

[kaitracid2010]

my gut tells me, she has other plans for new years eve, and wants me out of the way... or she is pushing me away, and wants to end the relationship!

 

or she feels she has that much control over me, that she can push me away for NYE confident in the fact, that i will still be here in the new year

[Ms Darcy]

Then call her. Don't act as if she owns you.

[kaitracid2010]

Then call her. Don't act as if she owns you.

 

 

she has already made it clear to me, she will not be spending the new year with me... what is the point in calling her.

 

the more i chase her, the more i do the calling and texting, the more i look weak & desperate & the more she seems to think she can mis treat me.

 

why is she not calling me? or texting me? or making an effrort to fix things between us... if she loves me, then why has she not bothered with me in 3 days straight, why is he not even spending nerw years eve with me?

 

she knows i will be on my own.

 

i know she is felling unwell, but why does that meen i still cant be there for her?

[Ms Darcy]

All of this self-torture isn't really helping you. I would advise finding some way to end the relationship.

[kaitracid2010]

Then call her. Don't act as if she owns you.

 

 

what is the point in calling her? she has made it clear, she will not be spending new years eve with me!

 

the more i call her, the more i text her, and chase her.... the more weak and desperate i look!

 

why is she not ringing me? why is she not texting me.... why has hse totally not bothered with me in 3-4 days now!

 

why is she not spending new year eve with me? she knows i will be on my own on nye

 

why would she leave her boyfriend on his own nye? i know she is a bit unwell, but why does that mean, she cant be with me for even an hour, or for me to look after her

[Sportster2005]

Normally I would say no. After reading your post, dump her soonest with extreme prejudice.

[blueidealist24]

I think you should break up with her after New Year's.. leave her be for New Year's Eve and then do the breaking up a few days later. She obviously has "checked out" of the relationship. But you shouldn't make any contact with her at all on NYE - look busy and as if you're out with friends, even if you're not.

[kaitracid2010]

i think that is the only choice i have left.... she cancled meeting me at the weekend, now has cancled spending new year with me.... next she will be canceling the relationship!

[kaitracid2010]

and why would it be so wrong to end it on nye? she doesn't care one bit about, how i will be feeling on my own on nye

[annie24]

It sounds like the relationship is already over. When the actual breakup happens officially, well doesn't matter. Get to it.

[kaitracid2010]

i think i need to do it tomorrow... but all of a sudden today she is acting like we are still together? saying that she loves me, and even bought a gift for me... she has totally ignored me for past 3 days

 

 

feels like she is keeping me on a leash, till new year is out of the way

[annie24]

She told you she loved you but loved her friends and family more. I mean that's not a huge compliment.

[kaitracid2010]

i know, that has left me feeling very insecure about the relationship.... i already feel like i come second place to her friends!

 

 

and that text she sent me, kind of confirms that.... i have become a very insecure person, since i have got together with her

[catfeeder]

If people here advise you to break up, would that really matter to you?

 

Why not check out your suspicions on NYE. If she's not home as she claimed she would be, then maybe you'll feel strongly enough to break up with her next day.

 

You could skip fighting and just tell her you're breaking up because you've met someone fabulous when left on your own NYE.

 

Not exactly lying--you'll have met the part of your Self that's willing to hold your head up and walk ON.

[CeeLambrini]

Not to sound harsh but what did you expect?

You're trying to get her to cut off her friends - obviously they are very important to her. You've already got her to cut off her "hobby" of clubbing , and regardless of anyone's opinion on it - that's who she is and that is what she likes to do.

 

I'm guessing you don't have many friends considering you have nothing to do on New Year, so perhaps you don't understand why she loves them so much. But to certain people friendships are important - especially to those who have probably been through such things as breaking up with the father of their child, and having to become a single mother.

 

But my point really is this, that this is who she is. And it really sounds like she's just given up trying to make you happy in sacrifice of her own happiness. I wouldn't be surprised if she does go out tonight without telling you. You can't meet a person, fall for them - and then try to change everything about them. No matter how much she claims to want to settle down with you - the fact is she has changed for you and eventually a person will end up resenting both themselves, and you for it.

This relationship is obviously incompatible.

 

To answer your question, do it now. I take New Year really seriously - I like to start the year the way I would like it to continue throughout. I was devastated at the beginning of this year when my ex left me only 2 weeks after spending the New Year telling me he wants to start a clean slate with me, and that this year we would be stronger than ever.

 

I think if she is going to change her ways, she has to do it for herself. If you are honest with her she will understand that you are not happy, and neither is she. Perhaps she will realise that it is you she wants, and not this lifestyle - but she has to realise it on her own. And that means losing you right now. You never know what the New Year is going to bring. Perhaps she will find a party animal who loves the lifestyle as much as she does, and perhaps you will find someone willing to settle down and have children with. Right now neither of you are doing each other any favors.