I'm the other man

[siegfri333]

Good evening,

 

I met a married woman.

 

We started friendly at our social activity (dancing) and we have been sharing extremely deep and emotional moments wherever we could for the past 3 weeks.

Her husband has guessed that she's having an affair (but she hasn't admitted it); she has a little daughter of 5 years; she is seriously considering a divorce.

 

You would think i broke a marriage, but i just triggered a long overdue separation between two people who only share their daughter in common.

 

Even tho at the moment we are madly in love with each other and have little doubts that we found the one we wanted at this time of our respective lives, my christian upbringing and the general pessimistic tone of this forum on infidelity, makes me believe that :

1) we are emotionally lost and legally at fault;

2) i'm just an escape route for this woman;

3) she will dump me a few months down the line;

4) we are going to completely destroy the christmas, new year eve, and dreamworld of a beautiful 5 years old girl (and we talked about it)

 

 

I know i will be told here that we are both desilusionnal sinners, and i don't expect any sympathy nor understanding.

I just wanted to say that when you're blinded by love, even tho you are still able to think about the consequences of your action, you cannot just turn your feelings off like a switch...

[camus154]

I just wanted to say that when you're blinded by love, even tho you are still able to think about the consequences of your action, you cannot just turn your feelings off like a switch...

 

That's the lovely part of being human--even when you're blinded by your emotions, you can still make decisions despite them. What you're saying is, I can't turn my feelings off, so I just have to act accordingly. That's not a very rational (nor Christian) mindset to have.

[becomingkate]

We started friendly at our social activity (dancing) and we have been sharing extremely deep and emotional moments wherever we could for the past 3 weeks.

 

What you say is true for many people, but it's hard not to feel sorry for her husband and child.

[Rexcat84]

you're delusional if you think you're being blinded by love. In reality over the past three weeks you've both been blinded by lust. You're going to ruin much more than the holidays for her daughter.

[truman2017]

in my experience nothinggood will come out of this---leave her be

[pl3asehelp]

I think you are being short sighted. You're going to ruin a lot more than a superficial couple of holidays for the kid - you're going to destroy her idea of what a family is and other effects that will last a lifetime for her. Do some research on 'impact of infidelity on children' and see all the books and articles out there. I agree with you you can't just turn feelings off, but you can certainly control your actions and choices. It's called self-discipline and it's required to get through life. Sometimes you have to sacrifice your own wants and desires when those would cause injury to someone innocent. I also think you are delusional if you think you understand the issues between the husband and wife you're coming between - you got one side of the story and it was obviously a self-serving version she gave you. I agee with your numbered points though - this will end badly for you and you're going to permanently screw up a kid if you don't stop now.

[Centi]

She is a married woman. I don't care how unhappy she is in her marriage. Until such time as she separates and moves on with her life, she is unavailable and completely off limits. You only know her side of the story, which shade absolutely everything in her favor.

 

If you are as Christian as you say you are, how can you possibly be party to destroying the sanctity of marriage? Even if you weren't religious, where are your morals? How would you feel being the husband to this woman?

 

You are blinded by lust, not love. You and only you are responsible for your actions. You may hurt walking away, but it is your CHOICE to do so, and you should.

 

Regardless, you are engaged in a situation that will only end up in hurting you. Be a man, walk away, find someone who is available. You are obviously having serious issues with this situation, otherwise you would not be here. You already know what you have to do, so do it, and be done with it.

 

I'm sorry that I am being so aggressive, but I am the husband dealing with this exact situation.

[segor]

It's a very distinct feeling when you fall in love. You can't fake it. You can't ignore it. You can't stop thinking about it. It's called falling for a reason I suppose. What is real, what is not. Feeling loved is. But, sometimes that intensity breads toxicity. I'm sure of that. And, circumstances matter. Sometimes ending before beginning another is not only responsible, it's less cruel. I've recently lived this as the OW. In the end you can only control your actions in regard to the fallout of that family. I wish that I had better advice. My situation ended hurting every one. I'm clearing my head far from the mess. They are in therapy and I am picking up the pieces to a broken and shameful heart. I'll move on but, realize that moving on will mean no contact. At all.

[segor]

Don't listen to those criticizing you for being less Christian, either. He without sin, cast the first stone.

[DN]

I just wanted to say that when you're blinded by love, even tho you are still able to think about the consequences of your action, you cannot just turn your feelings off like a switch...

Not convinced. You can still make the right decisions and choices.

Y ou would think i broke a marriage, but i just triggered a long overdue separation between two people who only share their daughter in common.

Also not convinced - convenient for you but you cannot know that for sure.

[LoveSoDeep]

Maybe you can't turn off emotions like a switch but you always had a choice weather to act on them or not.

 

Apprently at first you did just that you were friendly. The problem is at some point you both gave in and acted on these feelings before the responsible thingw as done....IF as you say the marraige was over and there was no question of that then the responsible thing to do would be to have waited until that was relsoved before moving forward with anything more than freindfhip. You know that or you wouldn't be posting what you posted. You always had a choice and now you feel guilty b/c you think maybe you didn't make the right choice. I feel sorry for you only in that I'm sorry you didn't realize this sooner and save yourself and everyone else involved the pain that infedelity causes.

[El0t]

Agree with the above posts.

Even IF things between the two of you did work out, realize that her daughter will never accept you and that you will never be able to trust her and put faith in your relationship knowing how the two of you came together.

Do the right thing for you, her, and her family and leave them alone.

[MasterPo]

Wow. First off, I don't condone your actions but its human nature those things happen. Awful brave or absurd to throw yourself under the ENA bus, believe me some are gonna shift gears over your carcass.

 

It happened. It's impact on you is still painful. Better to learn from it and become a better person and strive for the best.

[jaciej]

Personally three weeks is not a very long time, and I think you are blinded by lust. There are two sides to every story and if she was that unhappy then looking outside her marriage is the wrong way to go. People who have affairs are looking for attention...thats all. If she was that unhappy she would have left before getting involved with a new man.

 

Its like hoping off one bus and jumping another without thinking which direction it is going but trying to escape from her "mundane life" and dragging her five year old along for the ride. I don't want to under-estimate your feelings but you are looking through rose-tinted goggles...dancing and drinking with an attractive man/woman (who is attentive) would certainly turn ones head when they are bored or craving attention. Relationships flourish on a good, strong and healthy foundation. This is certainly not it. Think very carefully before committing to such a disastrous situation.

 

How long do you think the honeymoon will last..."if she can do with you, she can do it to you".

[Clio]

My take on such a situation is this:

There is no such thing as blinded by love. You yourself, said that you started out friendly. This means that there was a window for decision making involved i.e. it was within your power to nip it in the bud had you been more vigilant and I believe that this is the case almost always even if it is just a split second window of opportunity. Somewhere down the line you CHOSE to enter in this situation. I respect that you have reasons for this, which even you may not even fully realise (could have been loneliness, need for drama, need to compete for her love due to issues from your upbringing, whatever).

 

As for her, I think that you probably ARE her escape route. This is a very nasty way to trigger a long overdue separation and you do ran the risk to be left at the end so as not to be a reminder to her of such an ugly period in her life.

[buddha55]

I agree with your "number 2"

 

and

 

"You would think i broke a marriage, but i just triggered a long overdue separation between two people who only share their daughter in common."

 

they could have been well on their way to separation.... but the affair could have just been a dealbreaker entirely.

[kitkat620]

Wow, you posted that you expected no sympathy or understanding from your responses and by reading some of the posts, you were right.

 

I do agree with some of the posters in the fact that you have only been involved for 3 weeks, which would definitely make it possible that what you are feeling is lust not love. But I also believe that you can develop strong feelings for someone during an initial meeting. I do believe that there are people that just 'click' and from that point on, IF you decide to continue with a relationship the feelings will grow even stronger over time.

 

It won't do any good to say what you should've done before things got out of control. It is too late for that. But it is never too late to end something that you are not comfortable with. If being with this woman is causing you more stress than happiness, the best thing to do would be, of course to end the affair.

 

Maybe let her know that if she feels a divorce is inevitable, and that is what she is planning, that you would be willing to wait until a divorce is finalized but will not continue to see her until then. Sometimes time apart will make people think more rationally and clearly. As long as you continue to see each other, you won't be able to make rational decisions because of your feeling towards each other.

 

Falling in love with someone who is married is not usually something that is planned. I agree with the fact that you cannot deny feelings, but I also think it is very possible not to act on those feelings, especially when you know in your heart that that is the right thing to do.

 

In my opinion it is in your best interest to end things now before you are in even deeper. I really can't see any good coming from this affair. And the fact that you are questioning it, is proof enough that you don't think anything good can come from this either.

[SolFeather]

Remember that if she cheated *with* you...she will cheat *on* you.

[siegfri333]

I hear what you're all saying and i didn't expect anything else. It's part of the game on this forum is that the same subjects constantly repeated bring up the same rational, legal, moral answers.

The only thing that makes me uncomfortable is the fear that she can at any moment for the sake of her child decide that i was indeed just a passing fancy. But she might as well not. None of us will know until we see this to its end (or beginning?).

 

Best case scenario, instead of being oblivious to rationality, we have both been enlightened by our meeting and if even if it doesn't work out, at least we took both our lives on a fresh path, lightened by whatever burdened our lives in the past (lack of love in her marriage, my uncontrollable lust, whatever you say etc...), and enlightened by yet another life-changing experience.

 

Worst case scenario, in a few months (weeks? days?) i'll be back here to participate to the forum life and fuel the statistics of failed adultery and broken hearts.

[camus154]

Worst case scenario, in a few months (weeks? days?) i'll be back here to participate to the forum life and fuel the statistics of failed adultery and broken hearts.

 

We'll see you then.

[Rabican]

Im not going to go out of my way to say you are a bad guy, or that you triggered or are at fault for her cheating etc. Shes the one whos married, she took a vow when she got married... not you. So thats on her to deal with.

 

Ill just add one thing. Basic rule of thumb... if she will cheat with you, she will cheat on you. Imagine yourself 5 years down the road with this woman, and your work takes you away from her for a week long trip, or you have health issues, or life is stressful with work, career, kids etc. Is she going to remain faithful? I dunno. She didnt for her first husband. And once someone cheats they can never go back and say "well Ive never done that before" ever again. Keep that in mind.

[DN]

Im not going to go out of my way to say you are a bad guy, or that you triggered or are at fault for her cheating etc. Shes the one whos married, she took a vow when she got married... not you. So thats on her to deal with.

I see this reasoning quite a lot and profoundly disagree with it. To knowingly help someone break their word or do anything reprehensible is just as bad, IMO, as the person doing it. You can't avoid responsibility for wrong-doing by claiming "I didn't promise anything" because you still know it's wrong.

[SolFeather]

I would tend to agree. Helping someone break a vow is certainly not honourable in any way.

[LoveSoDeep]

The only way to avoid this is if someone says they are married.... WALK AWAY! I don't care how much you like them or what kind of connection you think you have...if it's that great a connection and the marraige fails on its own the person will come back to you. You keep saying the marraige was going to fail....but you don't know that you interfered and had you not maybe they would have gotten counseling or found a way to re-kindle....as it is you gave her an easy out. You can't know what will happen now....infedelity is so painful it causes people to snap.

 

Did you see th story about the football player who killed his SO last weekend? Turns out he was out till 7am the night before and cops stoped and asked him what he was doing b/c he was sleeping outside a building in his car at 3am....he told them he was waiting for his GF to let him in. At 7:50 he started fighting with his SO....before 8am she was dead. He killed himself later and now a 3 month old child is parentless. You can act like what you are doing is no big deal....go head live in denial.... what you are doing is very selfish...think of her husband think of her family (and not just her child her family) think of her child.....for your sake I really hope nothing this terrible happens.

[Clueless90]

I think its so easy for people to judge and sometimes it is like what you have said, it triggered a long overdue separation. I'm not saying the affair is right but also **** happens and in the long run the married guy should be with someone who truly loves him and the guy and the married woman be together and both parents try to be the best they can be for their daughter. Life is too short to spend in an unhappy marriage or with someone you don't love/want to be with.