Couples really annoy me sometimes...

[Sirenia]

I don't mean all couples or couples in general but if you have a good friend and she has a longterm partner..

 

Maybe it only happens to girls, I don't know..

 

You have a good female friend and she'll want to hang out with you and do stuff with you and as soon as a boyfriend comes along she's always too busy for you.

 

There's something that couples do too that really sh|ts me. If I tell my friend something really personal, in confidence, she thinks she has the right to automatically blab about my secrets to her boyfriend or husband. Sometimes they tell me they've done this, sometimes they don't but even if they don't, I know that they did it.

 

And then they have this smugness about them like they are so much better than me because they have a boyfriend/husband and I don't.

 

I don't bother making or staying friends with girls who are in long term relationships, it just hurts me too much in the end.

 

Discuss.

[Fudgie]

I think that's pretty crappy of them to tell YOUR secrets to their boyfriend. I tell my boyfriend my secrets for the most part but that doesn't mean he gets to know my friends' too. Those aren't mine to yell.

 

No one is better than anyone else just for having a LTR that's ridiculous.

 

However I think it's normal and natural for a friend to have less time once they have a SO.

 

I'm sorry you feel this way. I'd be angry too!!

[Sirenia]

My sister does this too. I don't think they even realise they're doing it a lot of the time. It's just that they love talking so much and love talking to their partner about every single itty bitty thing of their lives that even MY stories somehow end up in all of that...

 

In any case I made a conscious decision to stop being or making friends with girls in relationships. It never really works out in the end. If I invite her to go out and do something she'll bring her boyf and I think what's the point? You freaking live with him, see him every night (probably day too if she does not work fulltime) and yet you see me what.. once a month or even less? and you STILL have to bring him? I don't want to be a nag so it's easier to just being friends with single girls (who are actually up for doing stuff instead of making me feel needy and sh|tty for asking all the time).

[Fudgie]

I think you should make a point to say "No boyfriends" for your outings. True friends will understand. I don't bring my boyfriend unless it's a party or he is friends with the person or he was specifically asked to come along. Many outings shouldn't include them. People need friend time.

 

The hard thing about only being friends with single girls is that u like religion or culture, it's a status that is often not static. Your single friends may go into relationships, just like those who you didn't want to be friends with may become single again. It ebbs and flows.

[greta96]

Agreed. I had that kind of best friend too, and every time she got into a relationship, she'd only call me when she wasn't with him, to talk about him and their problems. I'd spend hours on the phone with her listening, and as soon as she was able to spend time with him, I wouldn't hear from her at all.

Just like you, I got those smug looks from her (because she had a boyfriend and I didn't - although I'd told her many times that I was not over my ex therefore not interested in dating anyone), and when I tried to open her eyes (at her request) on what a jerk the guy was - the guy was a violent hooligan who'd beat her and break into people's houses and steal! - she accused me of being jealous of their relationship (yeah, right!) and that I wanted the guy for myself (LOL).

This "best friend" is history now.

 

It's hard to avoid making friends who are not single though... How can that work? Even if you meet a nice girl and she's single at the moment, she may meet a guy anytime, and then what are you gonna do? End the friendship? This way, you'll never have friends.

 

I guess it's part of how life works. Everybody who gets into a relationship will have less time for friends, that's normal. But there are people out there who are not too selfish and still make time for their friends, it's just a matter of luck to find them...

[Batya33]

Having been on both sides (and only on the marriage side for the last 4 years) I think I did an amount of projecting of the "smug married" thing. But you are right. It bothered me a lot. I hope I don't act like that and I have also noticed how much easier it is to be a married couple than single, even though I lived in a major city teeming with singles for all of my 20 plus years of dating. I do find it difficult to be a parent of a young child and who is not working outside the home because of similar misconceptions about who I am and what I do.

[hers]

I understand the annoyance behind it and it is pretty crappy. I've been fortunate to have the same friends since childhood, for the most part. I still see them every couple of weeks and we've all pretty much grown up with each other (well, since we were 14). I've had friends who ditch you when they get an SO but good friends don't allow it to happen often or they are open minded when you talk to them about it and make it a point to balance it out.

 

We are all about 30 now and we have husbands and my friends have kids. We still make time for each other without our spouses and it's good that way. Sometimes you need your alone time with them. What gets me more now is the kids come along even when the husbands don't but I'm weird about kids anyway.

 

I'm gonna say it changes with age and life experiences and in my experience, it happens that way when it's a younger group of people.

[Heather Dawn]

Hmm. I do tell my boyfriend everything - including stuff about my friends. But only because he's the person closest to me in the world, and he's a safe place. So sometimes when friends are going through something, and have come to me, I, in turn, need a place to bounce it off. That's all.

[Sirenia]

Well I'm in my mid 30s and those friends that I've had for a long time (15 years or more).. most of them are married with kids now. I live in another continent so the only way we keep in touch is via email or Facebook or something and when I've 'talked' to them I realise I have nothing to say or ask them other than talk about their kids.. (as it seems like that's all they talk about anyway) and since I can't relate.. and since they can't relate to me (haven't dated in 10-15 years) well... they can be the nicest person in the world but we have zero in common anymore.

 

I often think that part of the reason we find a partner is to find an 'activity partner'. Whenever people do 'stuff', travel, go to a restaurant or to see a film, they always go with their partner the majority of the time whereas us singles struggle to find someone to go with. It was much easier for me back in my home city but because I moved so far from home and have only been here just over a year it's super super hard. As soon as I get close to someone they move away or get coupled up and then... it's back to square one. It's part of the reason I would love to have a partner and I feel no shame in admitting it. I'm just so TIRED of having to find people to do stuff with all the time and end up going to events alone.. sure I meet people there, but still.. it would be nice to have a steady regular 'activity' partner. Most people will say they will come and then ditch you as soon as a better offer comes along. People are so flaky these days too...

[Batya33]

That's interesting -I was single for over 20 years and my experiences were basically the opposite extreme - I had and have close friends who were married and single, I never wanted an activity partner and my friends didn't seem to either and I avoid talking about my child to friends who either don't have children or wouldn't be interested even if they do -in fact I limit most of my talk about my child to my sibling, parents, in laws and friends who have genuine interest. When I was single I found that certain people could be flaky so i avoided trying to make plans with them - I am reliable to a fault, always have been, and have found many other people who are as well.

I do have a few friends who disappeared once I married and had a child - perhaps a peremptory strike. Oh well.

[truman2017]

i refuse to attend events where my friends/co workers bring their spouses....i am not interested in their families at all

[itsallgrand]

Oh yea to me that is just bad manners! To act like that, whether in a relationship or not! Those people don't end up in my close circle usually.

 

And to me, what is said in confidence, is meant to stay in confidence. It's true - those people who feel the need to tell their partners everything about everyone in their circles business are not the people who are going to have friends telling them a lot of intimate stuff for long. It's really possible to strike a balance. And single people too can be bad for that.

 

Nah, married and coupled up friends can be good. I like having a mix. It's about the particular people - don't really care if they are single, in a couple, with no kids or with a few. So yea I'm in my thirities too and though some of my friends are married with kidlettes, not all of them are, and not all of them followed the linear path either of single-relationship-marriage. I have a friend who is a widower already. Wow- way different place that I am, but awesome person. I have friends of different ages and different status'. It really comes down to the person - my good buds have all stood the test of time and ups and downs.

 

I really don't think it's about them being coupled up - more the personalities! lol. Seriously.

[loveology]

It really depends on the friend. Some of my friends are great at striking a balance and some aren't. It's pretty common for me to almost completely lose contact with somebody for a few months/years only to hear from them again when their relationship ends. I guess it should bother me more than it does, but I've been on the other side and I know how it is.

 

I also know what you mean about the "smug" attitude that comes with somebody in a relationship. Most of my friends in relationships don't believe me when I tell them that I want to be single right now. It's pretty much incomprehensible to them that I might actually prefer spending my early 20s as a single woman instead of finding love or a relationship. One of my friends actually had the nerve to say to me, "I just want you to feel the happiness that I feel," which I'm sure he meant in the nicest way possible, but really irritated me. I mean how condescending can you be? He also seems to ignore the fact that I've been there and done that whole "madly in love" thing. Now I'm doing the "me" thing.

 

Sometimes I wonder if some of my friends in relationships are just jealous of the way I own my singledom, making them defensive and therefore making them appear smug. Probably just wishful thinking, but it still makes me feel a bit better. Haha.

[JA0371]

I have a brother who forgets other things and people in his life when he's involved. It IS annoying but it's his life. I know eventually it will burn out at some point, so I just keep my distance. I think the best friends are probably like minded ones, so it makes sense to want to hang out with other single people. If you're single and your friend is married or has a live in, likely that's going to be the sole topic of their life. Gets old fast. Or they use you as their relationship therapist when things are crappy....eeeew.

 

I say ditch the crappy friends...and hang out with the real ones

[Batya33]

I have a brother who forgets other things and people in his life when he's involved. It IS annoying but it's his life. I know eventually it will burn out at some point, so I just keep my distance. I think the best friends are probably like minded ones, so it makes sense to want to hang out with other single people. If you're single and your friend is married or has a live in, likely that's going to be the sole topic of their life. Gets old fast. Or they use you as their relationship therapist when things are crappy....eeeew.

 

I say ditch the crappy friends...and hang out with the real ones

 

I think it's crucial to hang out with and befriend people with at least some variety of lifestyles especially if you're single and want to be married someday. The different perspectives I got from single and married people (both men and women) was part of the reason I was able to find a good match for me and keep it going. I don't think likemindedness requires the same marital status especially since that status can change over time and it would be a shame to end a long term friendship just based on "we're not both married/single anymore".

[Sirenia]

It's not so much I avoid hanging out with couples, it's just that when I do I inevitably feel hurt when it's hurt another evening or weekend and they can't hang out with me.. not to mention people move away so often here it's hard to make any friends at all so it's not like I'm super fussy. I mean it's relatively easy to make friends but keeping them is so much harder.

[roundeyes]

I am really careful not to do this. I make time for my close friends, and time for my boyfriend. It's very tempting to spend all of my time with him, but that would not be healthy for either of us. I need girl time, he needs guy time. It helps us refresh and we end up being a better couple because of it.

I do not tell my boyfriend secrets, or sensitive information about my friends, or the other way around.

If I moan about my boyfriend to my friends they will probably also be mad at him, and I don't want that. I want my friends and my partner to have a good relationship so that when we are all together, we all get along.

I also do not think that I'm better than a single person. Sometimes I envy the freedom that they have. They only have their own feelings to look after and don't have to consider another party when making decisions. Not that I would trade my companionship for freedom, because I love being in a relationship, but there are two sides to every coin.

[quirky]

Fortunately most of my friends are single and/or messed up so I don't feel so alone..lol

 

It's true though..when someone is in a relationship they don't have the time they did. I totally understand what you said about an activity partner, I miss that too. What I do, is come up with things to entertain myself like make a dance routine to a tv show I watch frequently. I find it helps. But like you, where I live people move often and I can't bond as I'd like.

 

Noone can be exactly as we'd like them to be. But I think with good friends, the connection still stays there if you work on it. You can be honest and tell them what you'd like to talk about in a kind way.

 

Do you go to meetup at all?

[Batya33]

"I also do not think that I'm better than a single person. Sometimes I envy the freedom that they have. They only have their own feelings to look after and don't have to consider another party when making decisions."

 

I don't know any single people who only have their own feelings to look after. Whether they have parents, children, close friends, etc most often they have responsibilities beyond themselves. I didn't like that kind of assumption when I was single because I don't think it's true.

[hers]

Yea I don't think that's fair either. When I was single, I had my dog, a business with many clients, an apartment, a 12-step program involving service, friends I cared greatly for...the only thing that's changed is I have a different job and I'm married...the rest has stayed the same. But when single I couldn't even take a weekend to myself or go somewhere without shirking some sort of responsibility.

 

I suppose that's the assumption people will make though. Unless you're doing doing doing for others, you're a selfish person.

[Heather Dawn]

Yeah, no. I certainly wasn't looking for an activities partner when I fell in love with my boyfriend. Well, maybe activity between the sheets... But friends are activity partners; SO's are so much more than that.