Fighting with 2 friends

[Fudgie]

(SORRY, THIS IS VENT-ISH)

 

N (my boyfriend) and I hang out sometimes with "couple friends"..mutual friends of ours that are in a relationship, so we do things like go on double dates and stuff like that. We have a few couple friends but we are having issues with one.

 

This one couple is fun to hang out with but they require a lot of "effort" sometimes. Ever since N and I moved out into the city, they don't want to come and see us. We always used to hang at their place but now we don't want to because we have our own place and it's way better. They are angry that we don't want to go out to their place anymore. Why don't we?

 

-It's a 40 min drive

-It's in the middle of nowhere - NOTHING to do. No stores, no parks, nothing.

-nothing to do AT THEIR HOUSE. They have an xbox but don't let us play, don't really have us watch TV. It's mostly us watching them play xbox as we make bad conversation

-They aren't good at conversation, so that's out.

-They don't have any food in the house (again, bad money spending skills) and there are no restaurants so we always have to bring our own food.

-They usually pressure us to spend the night like we used to, sleeping on the floor. Uhm, no why would I do that when I have a nice apartment now?

-They pressure us to drink when we are over there and they drink like stupid 18 year olds...just drinking to get smashed. I'm so over that!

-Whenever we go there, it's usually not fun. It's always them whining, playing video games, and that's it. It's always on THEIR terms.

-IT'S NOT EVEN THEIR PLACE. They live there rent-free with her parent and just talk crap about him all the time.

 

Once in a while we actually GO OUT and have a great time with them...it's being at their place that I can't stand.

 

N and I are sick of going out there when we never actually get to do anything over there and it's just about hearing them complain. So we always invite them over here. The drive is the same but we have offered to give them gas money to come out here since we know money is "tight" for them because they suck with their finances so much. My boyfriend and I make more money than them but we have more expenses because we are actually independent. We pay our rent, our bills, our groceries...etc. Yet they always insist that we waste OUR gas money to go out to their place so we can sit on our bums and listen to them complain. They NEVER have any money because it all gets spent on stupid things. N and I can never figure out where their money goes because they don't actually pay any bills or rent or anything.

 

Last night, I was off from work so we invited them over. N had me call the guy on his phone (the girl does not have a phone) and he wouldn't pick up and he would only text...and things got heated quickly when he said "no" to coming to the city and I said "no" to going to their area.

 

We have good times when we actually get to GO OUT with them and do things, or have them come here. But recently, they got really angry at us for not coming over to see them. We haven't seen them in a couple weeks because N and I don't want to drive out that way because of the reasons I've mentioned. We have offered to give them gas money but they refuse to come and see us outside of the few times that we have actually come because "the city is dangerous" and "there are crack addicts everywhere". We live in a nice part of the city, in a house that was converted to apartments...we don't have crime on my street and I resent what they said because we DEFINITELY aren't in the ghetto. I drive through the ghetto to get to work...I KNOW what the ghetto is...really, it was just insulting. Their area is bad, honestly. Their neighbors scream and yell a lot (mine don't...) and a month ago, there was a guy running around with a gun shooting at things in their area. I don't have to deal with that here!

 

I live in a great city with festivals, stores, restaurants/bars, and you know...THINGS TO DO. I don't want to sit in their crappy place anymore and just put up with it. N and I have a better life now. They are just angry that we don't want to come over much anymore. Hey, I'm not paying $22/day for my apartment so I can go and sleep on your nasty floor. I have offered to let them sleep here, in our comfortable recliners but they refuse because "our car may get broken into". What?

 

I'm angry because I feel like 95% of what we do with them has to be on THEIR terms, on THEIR time, where THEY want to go, what THEY want to do...I woke up to an angry text message (why don't people just call?) from the guy basically yelling at us and saying that we "don't pay him enough gas money" for them to drive out here and blaming us for this whole situation...yes, that's right, blaming us when we are the ones giving him gas money. They have stood us up a few times in the past or made BS excuses for not coming. But then again, they are always contacting us wanting to hang out. It's really a selfish friendship on their part.

 

I am ready to 100% be done with these people and just block their calls/texts and act like they don't exist, but N is closer with the guy and wants to work things out. I am not so keen on doing that and it's taking a lot out of me to not send a scathing text of how I feel about them, and block them.

 

Sorry if this is ventish but this is really chaffing me.

[camus154]

Ugh. Sounds like you and your boyfriend have grown up whereas your friends have not.

 

Friendships come and go, sad as that may be. In your case, I don't think you need to explicitly end the friendship with them, but I would stick to your guns and only go out with them when you'll actually be going out. Enforce your own boundaries and the rest will naturally fall into place.

[CeeLambrini]

Your friends sound so lazy and whingey I wouldn't want to be around them either. A few of my "friends" have gotten into relationships where they just don't seem to want to leave the house. Love video games and ordering in takeaway. They don't seem to leave their bedroom, let alone their house! It really annoys me because then I get the whole "but why haven't we hung out for ages??" - when really all it would be is me going to visit them whilst they talk about what exciting thing their cat did this morning etc.

I kind of just avoid them now, if they asked me up front why I honestly didn't hang around with them anymore I'd be fine telling them the truth!

 

Wow - nearly got into a rant there myself haha...maybe your boyfriend and his friend should remain mates, but I think your couple friendship has run it's course, they're obviously all about the "take take take". Flipping heck, it's a wonder they know you guys are even still alive what with all the dangers of the city to spook them away!

[MasterPo]

Good vent. Bet they are good at sucking up. There is no reason to go where you aren't comfortable, I think you should send your BF if he misses them and stay home. Probably end that real fast once he misses you. I hate to think what would happen if you had kids and they started bullying their way into their lives. It happens.

 

Thanks for sharing. Hope you got it all out. Mad luck with all of it.

[buddha55]

they probably dont want to go to YOUR place because its a 40 min drive for them too AND they are used to you coming over. There has to be parks or restaurants somewhere between point A and B? (if the relationship is even worth it)

[buddha55]

but also, if you truly enjoyed their company so much... it wouldnt matter where you hung out. maybe cut the cord?

[Fudgie]

Thanks guys. Yeah I'm content to just leave it as it is and not really talk to them but my boyfriend wants to call the guy and get this ironed out. Ugh.

 

For every 10x we've gone up there, they've come here once. They never came to our places when N and I lived at home, for obvious reasons. They don't seem to have an issue with the 40 min drive itself...it's the gas money. That's what I don't get...We are GIVING THEM GAS MONEY to come here. They never even offered us gas money or anything. We have offered to buy them food too, at times, when they were out of money and hungry. But they never have been generous to us as we have. As you said "TAKE TAKE TAKE", that's all they do.

 

I just hate hanging out with them at their place. It's so f'in boring. I hate it when they are both free the next day so they are like "HEY WE SHOULD DRINK". N doesn't want to, I don't want to...and then they guilt trip us! Last time they were there, they told us that "if we weren't going to drink and spend the night, we may as well not come." We showed up anyway, THEY MADE US WATCH THEM PLAY MINECRAFT FOR AN HOUR, and we didn't drink and left before 11pm and they were SO UPSET. Like, legitimately. They were actually angry at us. Excuse me, are you upset that I DIDN'T consume your alcohol and pass out on your floor? I'm so confused. It's just so unhealthy and peer-pressure-y.

 

Oh, want to hear something else ridiculous? My boyfriend hung out with the guy and was telling him about our new place, how we get to have sex everyday...and the guy was like "I better make sure my girlfriend doesn't know how great it is for your guys or else it will make her depressed and she will not be motivated to try and make her life better. What?

 

I just wish we could all go out to a bar, drink responsibly, go to a festival or event or a music show (all within walking distance of our place), etc. That is fun to me. I honestly don't give that much of a crap about them because I'm willing to write them off over this nonsense if it means I don't have to drive out to witness their boring bedroom. My boyfriend doesn't feel that way and wants to give it one last go but he's sort of trying to convince me to try "one last time" because it's pretty obvious that he doesn't want to hang out with them unless I'M there too.

 

buddha5,

 

There isn't really anything between point A and B. See, where I am (and I'll see if I can try to explain it), there is a highway and you just use that to get to different towns/cities. It's a straight shot down to their place along that highway, so nothing is on that. There is more of a "halfway point" in this one town that you can get off into from the highway...but THEY don't want to go there. My boyfriend and I actually go there sometimes to eat cause of the restaurants and things to do, but they don't want to go there with us. They want to stay in THEIR place. And their town is dead...literally nothing there, not even chain stores.

 

Their company is great at our place or when they go out (ie, things to do). Their company isn't worth crap when we have to sit and are forced to watch them play xbox Minecraft at home. I mean, who makes their friends come over and make them watch that?

 

Honestly, I'm surprised too that they think I am still alive...my car hasn't been broken into, my apartment hasn't been burglarized (we live in the ATTIC! Good luck to burglars trying to get up to the 3rd floor, heh!). So what, I've had a beggar or too come up and ask for money..just say no and move on. I'm very aware of my surroundings and stay safe. They think the city is just full of "degenerates" (their words, not mine) and are just full of murderous people. I consider myself to be more of a paranoid person when it comes to safety and even I don't think that! I remember the first time they came over, my boyfriend and I were making us all dinner (because we are awesome like this) and needed to walk a block to a gas station a street away to get a few things. They came with us. There was some schizo/coke addict sitting outside near the street murmuring to himself and drinking a soda. I barely noticed the guy, as did N...because were like 100 feet away from him. These 2 pansies FREAK OUT and grab each other and they are like "WE ARE IN DANGER. WE MUST LEAVE NOW." and actually started causing a scene that drew attention to us. It was BS. N grabbed them both and whispered to them to "shut the f up and stop causing a scene" and we left quickly because we felt they were going to do something dumb.

[Fudgie]

Sorry this is just really chaffing me, haha. I really don't get mad about friendship issues (I don't really have friendship issues!) but when things like this arise, it just bugs me.

[Batya33]

I would stick to your guns as far as reciprocity (and is there a place mid-way to meet?). Or, is it out of the question to drive out there, pick them up and take them back to your place and drive them home the next day? I know, not a great solution but.... figured I'd throw it in. I can relate to how annoying/frustrating this is -sorry!

[Fudgie]

I think I may be willing to do that Batya...I would like a little gas money from them ($5-$10?) but I feel that it's way too much to ask from them. But yeah, even without the money, I could swing it, absolutely.

 

However, they aren't even willing to meet up at the "halfway town" that we used to go to, they just want to stay at home. I don't know how cool they would be with me doing this. I think they just want to sit on their butts at home.

 

I would be less angry if they could just be honest and not BS us.

[Batya33]

How about putting it this way "N and I are going to try that restaurant (halfway to them) on __ night. Would you like to join us? Now, I get it -it will seem strange that you're going there randomly but simply respond "well we figured we should get to know that area anyway since then it's an alternative place for us to meet. And I would be direct with them "we love to see you guys but we're uncomfortable hanging out at your place especially since it seems like you'd rather focus on your xbox rather than us."

 

The other alternative is to start having sex in the middle of the living room while they're playing xbox I suppose.

[CeeLambrini]

 

The other alternative is to start having sex in the middle of the living room while they're playing xbox I suppose.

 

HAHAHA! Like they'd notice! When you're boyfriend is "ironing" this out, please tell him to let them know that an evening where it's BYOF (Bring your own food), the entertainment is minecraft, the company is always in need of money for something, and the accommodation is a basic floor - you're most likely going to pass on coming over. Batya has a good idea though - invite them to places you're going to go anyway. Keep doing that, and if they keep declining for whatever reason, they have no leg to stand on when they whinge about you never going to see them

[Fudgie]

That's a good idea. I am too razzled with this right now (N isn't) so I think I'll have him speak to the guy and say just that. He wants to talk to them and be like "Look, we like hanging out but..."

 

For a couple that has been together for 4 years, they are VERY, VERY squeamish about sex. We have not had sex in the middle of their xbox sessions but I remember a couple times we felt ignored so we began to kiss and hug each other as we sat on the couch, completely silent, just doing that. I mean, we were being ignored, so why not?

 

Mixed results. The girl (who has major intimacy issues, probably related to an emotional affair she had in the past) didn't seem to care. The guy goes "Aww...!!", then goes silent, gets sad, and starts trying to kiss HIS girlfriend. She doesn't really kiss him anymore and she refuses. He starts getting upset and says "SEE SEE SEE FUDGIE KISSES N...WHY CAN'T YOU KISS ME." Oh lord that was awkward.

 

CeeLambrini, I think that's a good idea. I really don't want to do that anymore. I would love to go out with them...just don't want to get roped into going over there.

 

Ugh, and I hate Minecraft. HATE IT.

[Seraphim]

You know. Sometimes we just "outgrow" some friends. You do not have to be friends because N wants to be. My husband has a whole truck load of friends from work I do not even know their names or who they are even. He actually does not even know my friends. We have a few couples that we are friends together with. The people are at the same stage in life we are and we get along.

 

I don't feel you HAVE to be friends with whoever your SO other is friends with.

[Fudgie]

Yeah I think I do feel some pressure because N doesn't want to hang out with them alone. He wants me to be there, but doesn't want to stop being friends with them right now...but yet also doesn't want to go over to their place at all.

 

If they were willing to go out with us and stop drinking with prepubescents, I would not have an issue.

[Fudgie]

My boyfriend has tried to call them a couple times (them being the guy. Again, the girl has no cell phone. She has 7 tattoos and gets more but NO cell phone. Priorities, right?) but they keep ignoring us. The last time they did, I think it was Saturday night. My boyfriend and I got back from something and were free for the rest of the night. His calls got ignored BUT he was texted and they told us that they were at this local gay club about 5 min from us! So apparently they DO drive up into the city, but never to see us, that's too "sketchy".

 

I refuse to go to nightclubs and esp not this one. My boyfriend and I were driving past it one time and it looks horrifically sketchy. There was a neighbouring street and had police tape over it! This nightclub caters to gay guys and transsexuals and puts on these huge drag shows every week with the transsexuals and you can dance/grind with them too. It's just a sleazy, gross place. I can't underscore how much this isn't my thing and my boyfriend won't even entertain the idea of stepping a foot in. They know this and were like "OH THIS IS SO MUCH FUN YOU GUYS SHOULD COME DOWN" and then got a little offended and wondered why when we said "No."

 

So apparently, we aren't good enough to come see in a NICE part of the city, with gas money, with restaurants and festivals and bars...but they'll gladly drive for a sleazy dance/strip club with watered-down drinks and a big cover charge?

 

I'm pretty content to just stop talking to them and say "no" to everything they ask in the future.

[penelope13]

You probably really outgrew them. It sounds as if your's and N's life has improved significantly and you moved 'up' in life, while they are stuck where they have been for a long time. Not wanting to face the reality of that your friends are either trying to get you to interact with them in the same old ways, or by talking down to what your life has become.

 

I would distance myself from them for the time being. If N wants to remain friends with the guy, so be it. But it doesn't have to be always a double date.

[Fudgie]

Yeah, I feel like my quality of life has really increased. I'm making money (not a lot) but I can live a good quality of life and do fun things, and also go to school part-time. N's quality of life has gone up 10-fold. He no longer has this weird anxiety anymore. He used to be sooo insecure and "up my bum" about things and worrying, worrying, worrying. Now I go out without him and he doesn't worry about ridiculous things anymore.

 

I'm definitely not going to hang with them. The girl is 5 kinds of annoying all wrapped in one. N doesn't really want to be friends with her but he does like the guy. But he doesn't want hang with him if the girl is there (which she always is) because they are kinda clingy. Well, he can deal with that then. I'm just not going to acknowledge them anymore.