Is Marrying the Rebound a "Get out of pain free" card?

[piratehound]

My ex recently married the guy she dated directly after me, and it got me thinking.

 

After she broke it off with me (we had dated 5 years, were looking at rings..) she met this guy a month later and started dating him immediatley - and two years later they're married.

 

Meanwhile, I went through intense pain at first because I didn't want or need a rebound, and went through the grieving process. By now, I still have some pain, but it's subtle and I've essentially moved past it.

 

Whereas she has maybe only 2 weeks of pain. Started dating this rebound immediately to take her mind off me, and since they married she never had to process anything, never had to deal with the pain.

 

Doesn't seem fair.

 

The crude question is: "what's the downside for her?"

[markie6]

You're taking for granted that her rebound was grabbed to mask the pain. It's often the case that they have processed a lot of the pain and emotions before they pull the trigger. Added to this... the thinking that it's a rebound and is doomed to fail.. is pure wishful thinking on behalf of the dumpee. Not all rebounds ( as dumpees love to call them ) fail , mine is still happily married with a family, nearly 20 years after we split.

 

Some people seem to take the breakups less hard than others , it can be they weren't as emotionally invested as we hoped they were. These are often the things we puzzle out after the breakup. Some get hit with the emotions years later ... but we are not all built the same way.

[lalalollipops]

^ But it's five years and they were looking at rings. She would have to be a robot not to feel sad. I reckon she jumped to the next guy way too soon (this is coming from sb that has always been the dumper btw). To be shopping for rings suggests they weren't having big problems for ages, they were doing well enough. I can't fathom getting into another relationship a month after breaking up with sb I've dated for years. I feel bad for the OP. Must be a big slap in the face.

[markie6]

No how we react could be totaly different, but not everybody is the same. When confronted with being with this person for life... sometimes people run...

 

I feel for the op too , anybody who gets jetisoned after a LTR gets how it's painful. Seeing them move on and marry is something loads of us have had to deal with. Expecting everybody to act a certain way after a breakup isn't going to help him move on himself. I struggled to even look at another woman when my engagement went kapput .. took me 2 years ( during which she married her next partner) to recover enough to even date.

^ But it's five years and they were looking at rings. She would have to be a robot not to feel sad. I reckon she jumped to the next guy way too soon (this is coming from sb that has always been the dumper btw). To be shopping for rings suggests they weren't having big problems for ages, they were doing well enough. I can't fathom getting into another relationship a month after breaking up with sb I've dated for years. I feel bad for the OP. Must be a big slap in the face.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

You don't really know what goes on in someone else's relationship. You don't know if she is happy or unhappy. I have read plenty of stories here on ENA in which someone in a new relationship (even married) is still emotionally tied to their ex...in other words their current partner has them in body but not in spirit.

[Hoagy]

Can I ask how old she is? It may be that she got so close to being married that she felt that it was her priority to achieve that state as soon as possible rather than go back to stage one. This is perhaps more likely if the years are running out.

[becomingkate]

I was with my daughter's dad (John) for almost five years before breaking up with him, and I had tried to make it work for the last two years to no avail. We'd been talking marriage as well, but the longer I stayed, the worse it became.

 

I met Dale a month later and married him a few years after that, but I don't consider him a rebound relationship - I think he and I were meant to be together, just as John and I were meant to be together, so that we could have our daughter.

 

Unfortunately, John was never able to get over it; I think he mistreated our daughter because she looks so much like me, more so as she got older.

 

The crude question is: "what's the downside for her?"

 

I'm not sure if there is one. I think that the best thing is to move on and meet someone nice. Take what you can learn from this experience and make it count with your next GF. Good luck!

[lavenderdove]

the concept of 'rebound' is not a truism... by that i mean, the idea that the next person someone dates after a breakup is by default a 'rebound' that won't work. That just isn't true.

 

A more likely case of what a 'true' rebound is if someone is dumped, and the person who is dumped immediately starts dating another person because they don't want to be alone or want someone to distract and comfort them. Then when they heal, they realize they grabbed the first person available and that person isn't really right for them.

 

But if the person is the dumper, then it really isn't a rebound. Research has shown that people who initiate the breakups (the dumpers) are actually mentally checking out of the relationship a long time before they actually leave, anywhere from months to years before they leave. They start to get discontented, and rather than working it out, they start thinking about how life would be IF they left, they start making new friends outside the relationship, doing new things, in essence trying of for size how life will be IF they leave. Then once they have a new life apart from the partner set up (either by experimenting in their head or actually forming new bonds outside the relationship), they complete the transition and leave. But they go WAY underground and don't clue their partner in to the fact they are thinking or leaving and sometimes even to the fact that they are unhappy. They go thru the motions with the partner, while making their own internal/secret plans to break free.

 

It is not always even conscious (i.e., they don't even necessarily know their own motivation or intention to leave), but are discontented internally and making mental moves to move on. So they've actually done most of their processing of the breakup before they even leave, and many time have an enormous sense of freedom/happiness/relief when they finally do leave. So they do their grieving for the loss of the relationhips INSIDE the relationship, not afterwards, and are not the least bit conflicted once they leave so are open to new people and relationships immediately.

 

So i know that is hard to take, but she probably was discontented for a long time and just never clued you into it. So that wouldn't make this guy a rebound if she'd already decided it was better to leave than to stay. She wasn't forced to leave, she chose to leave, and that makes all the difference. You don't see it as 'fair' because you still wanted the relationship and didn't want out, but the reality is she grieved the loss BEFORE she left and made her decision, while you were forced to accept it.

 

If you were together for 5 years, i'm sure it was not easy at all for her to make the decision to leave... she may have been very conflicted for a long time and gone alone with the 'plan' as if everything were OK

[lavenderdove]

btw, if you are still obsessing about an ex who has been gone over 2 years and married someone else, perhaps it is time to consider some counseling to help you let go? Counseling is great if you are 'stuck' and still upset/bitter/hampered by a breakup that happened a long time ago.

[Deejmonster]

Some people can get over the pain of a break up fairly quickly and they can meet the right person after the break up with you. My ex broke up with me (we dated for 2.5 years) only 2 months after our break up did she meet her current boyfriend. They have been together I think over 3 years now and have a child together and most likely will get married too. Not everyone who quickly jumps into a relationship after a break up is a rebound. Even if he was to her... things can change. It doesn't mean that she hasn't healed and moved on. Everyone works differently.

[deepsea]

I wouldn't essentially believe that people rebound and get married as an 'easy way out'. Rebounding would be more common amongst dumpees, as they attempt to come to terms with being left behind, and regain their confidence and self-esteem.

 

Dumpers, on the other hand, are likely to be more emotionally fit to move on, and establish and settle in a new relationship; they wouldn't be carrying as much emotional baggage. Often, dumpers have become emotionally detached for some time, before reaching a rational decision to end the relationship.

 

I ended a 6.5 year relationship. Literally less than a week later, I met my (now) husband, and we've been together for 7 years. I did not even dwell on the ex, at all.

[markie6]

As with all breakups , circumstances of the split will dictate a lot of what happens right after... perfectly possible for the dumper to feel and act like the dumpee , and ofc vice versa

I wouldn't essentially believe that people rebound and get married as an 'easy way out'. Rebounding would be more common amongst dumpees, as they attempt to come to terms with being left behind, and regain their confidence and self-esteem.

 

Dumpers, on the other hand, are likely to be more emotionally fit to move on, and establish and settle in a new relationship; they wouldn't be carrying as much emotional baggage. Often, dumpers have become emotionally detached for some time, before reaching a rational decision to end the relationship.

 

I ended a 6.5 year relationship. Literally less than a week later, I met my (now) husband, and we've been together for 7 years. I did not even dwell on the ex, at all.

[deepsea]

I agree. But, in many cases, as we have read so much about on here, the dumpers are generally sure about their decision, which makes it a little easier for them to move on.

 

As with all breakups , circumstances of the split will dictate a lot of what happens right after... perfectly possible for the dumper to feel and act like the dumpee , and ofc vice versa

[luminousone]

[quote=

 

Research has shown that people who initiate the breakups (the dumpers) are actually mentally checking out of the relationship a long time before they actually leave, anywhere from months to years before they leave. They start to get discontented, and rather than working it out, they start thinking about how life would be IF they left, they start making new friends outside the relationship, doing new things, in essence trying of for size how life will be IF they leave. Then once they have a new life apart from the partner set up (either by experimenting in their head or actually forming new bonds outside the relationship), they complete the transition and leave. But they go WAY underground and don't clue their partner in to the fact they are thinking or leaving and sometimes even to the fact that they are unhappy. They go thru the motions with the partner, while making their own internal/secret plans to break free.

 

It is not always even conscious (i.e., they don't even necessarily know their own motivation or intention to leave), but are discontented internally and making mental moves to move on. So they've actually done most of their processing of the breakup before they even leave, and many time have an enormous sense of freedom/happiness/relief when they finally do leave. So they do their grieving for the loss of the relationhips INSIDE the relationship, not afterwards, and are not the least bit conflicted once they leave so are open to new people and relationships immediately.

 

So i know that is hard to take, but she probably was discontented for a long time and just never clued you into it. So that wouldn't make this guy a rebound if she'd already decided it was better to leave than to stay. She wasn't forced to leave, she chose to leave, and that makes all the difference. You don't see it as 'fair' because you still wanted the relationship and didn't want out, but the reality is she grieved the loss BEFORE she left and made her decision, while you were forced to accept it.

 

If you were together for 5 years, i'm sure it was not easy at all for her to make the decision to leave... she may have been very conflicted for a long time and gone alone with the 'plan' as if everything were OK

 

You WILL be fine, but you need to accept that people do make their own choices, and for whatever reason her choice was that your relationship wasn't right. You want someone who wants you 100%, so you just need to get out there and keep looking until you meet that person.

 

Wise words from Lavender dove

 

Now is the time to work on changing your focus on a new life and new relationships

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I agree. But, in many cases, as we have read so much about on here, the dumpers are generally sure about their decision, which makes it a little easier for them to move on.

 

 

Yes, but often they stay in the relationship because they don't want to be alone..so they stick it out even though the love died long ago...not because they want to make it work, but because they don't want to be alone...so when they finally have had enough and decide to get out..they immediately find someone else as a replacement because again, they don't want to be alone. It is the issue of being afraid to be alone which keeps them in the old relationship..and then which prompts them to jump straight into another one the minute they finally do end the last one.

[PJK]

Yes, but often they stay in the relationship because they don't want to be alone..so they stick it out even though the love died long ago...not because they want to make it work, but because they don't want to be alone...so when they finally have had enough and decide to get out..they immediately find someone else as a replacement because again, they don't want to be alone. It is the issue of being afraid to be alone which keeps them in the old relationship..and then which prompts them to jump straight into another one the minute they finally do end the last one.

 

It may not necessarily be fear of being alone...it could be fear of hurting someone they love.

 

Out of my 2 previous longer relationships I've been the dumper in one of them. I it was really hard eventhough I wasn't in love with her. I still cared for her and it hurt to see her in tears...it took a few weeks of psyching myself up to do it.

[PJK]

Oh, in response to the OP...

 

Some people, like myself, can get over these things relatively quickly...when my ex broke up with me after 4 years I was sad like anyone else for a while but soon after I relaized there was nothing else to do but move on. I was 100% over it maybe 3 months later.

 

She could be one of those people who, once it's over, doesn't look back at all.

[Ms Darcy]

I agree that some people can get over things more quickly; it's also possible she had checked out long ago. The question is why do you care? Do you still feel hung up on her two years later?

[donewithpain]

I was reading this thread and was wondering about my situation?

 

I ended a relationship with my girlfriend earlier this year. There was nobody else involved and to this day I regret it and still love her wholeheartedly.

I ended it because I was not in a good place - I was depressed from the death of a parent and I got physically ill and my gut reaction was that she could do better than me.

She met someone very quickly within a few weeks (I think she did inernet dating)

 

She has been with a new guy for four months - But had NC with me.

I have been told from a friend that she is not 'in love' with him as she was with me, but she believes that she her feelings will grow for him.

 

She was told recently (a week ago) that I still love her and want her back, I should have told her before but I beleived that NC would heal us both, but she wont speak to me as she says she is scared to see me again.

 

I don't expect to ever get her back and I know that nobody knows how she is feeling, but I was wondering if this would be a classic case of someone that moves to the next relationship to escape the pain and if it will ever catch up with her?

 

I also wonder if she is thinking about me now she knows that I still have feelings for her?

[piratehound]

Yes, but often they stay in the relationship because they don't want to be alone..so they stick it out even though the love died long ago...not because they want to make it work, but because they don't want to be alone...so when they finally have had enough and decide to get out..they immediately find someone else as a replacement because again, they don't want to be alone. It is the issue of being afraid to be alone which keeps them in the old relationship..and then which prompts them to jump straight into another one the minute they finally do end the last one.

 

 

And I suppose in a roundabout way this is what I was initially asking... where's the downside to living like this - never able to be alone? I had excruciating pain because I was suddenly alone. But I knew I wasn't ready to date - and couldn't use a person as a bandaid. Some here say that the dumper has already "grieved" while in the relationship like both sides of the equation are equal. But they aren't. In a sense, the current relationship acts as a "rebound" because they're coping with grief by being with someone just for the purpose of avoiding pain. And indeed - it's actually more perverse than using a new "rebound" you're rebounding with someone you purportedly loved and cared for. When is the piper paid for people like this, if ever?

[Ms Darcy]

And I suppose in a roundabout way this is what I was initially asking... where's the downside to living like this - never able to be alone? I had excruciating pain because I was suddenly alone. But I knew I wasn't ready to date - and couldn't use a person as a bandaid. Some here say that the dumper has already "grieved" while in the relationship like both sides of the equation are equal. But they aren't. In a sense, the current relationship acts as a "rebound" because they're coping with grief by being with someone just for the purpose of avoiding pain. And indeed - it's actually more perverse than using a new "rebound" you're rebounding with someone you purportedly loved and cared for. When is the piper paid for people like this, if ever?

 

When is the piper paid?

 

Here is a thought. You know you are not yet healed or you know you are cynical when you wish some sort of cosmic vengence against your ex.

 

Ideally, you get to the point where you respect their search for happiness and you wish them luck. Some exes can find love sooner than others. It is not your place to ascribe some cynical assumption that they are staying in a relationship because they do not want to be alone. You can't and shouldn't really know that - first of all - and second of all if you care that much you are not growing as a person and moving on.

 

Everyone is on their own journey. Stop focusing on hers and start focusing on your own.